10 Uses For Cardboard-Filled Baozi
Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Baozi (Chinese: 包子; Pinyin: bāozi), a type of steamed, filled bun.
It was recently reported that there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. Then another story that the first story was fake. Blah blah blah. What’s wrong with cardboard baozi, I ask you? There are many uses for them…
1. Tampon Substitute. The cardboard is highly absorbent, and a cardboard-filled baozi is far cheaper than the traditional bran-filled muffin.
2. Close Combat Weapon. As everyone knows, Dwarf-bread is often used as an emergency close combat weapon. Dwarven-bread buns can be cheaply replaced with baozi for non-lethal applications such as peacekeeping, and baozi also make for an inexpensive training round.
3. CCP Official Paperweight. Need something to stop your piles of hongbao blowing away? Use a baozi filled with high-density cardboard. For the man who has taken everything.
4. Sandbag Replacement. Perfect for makeshift dams and dykes, especially when the rivers flood. If only the Three Gorges Dam was so sturdy…
5. Novelty Dogpoo. It looks, smells and tastes just like the real thing!
6. Douchebag. Not an original idea, the Chinese invented the Doushabao 5,000 years ago, during the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng.
7. Campfire Fuel. Have you ever been camping and wanted to light a fire, only to discover that every stick of wood within 1,200Km was cut down decades ago to build a ladder from China to the Moon? Well campers, your troubles are over, thanks to the all new and improved cardboard-filled baozi. These little babies make great fuel for all your campfire needs. Don’t leave home without one!
8. Fashion Accessory. From earrings to handbags, there’s a baozi in your size. Simply open it up, remove the packaging, and voila!
9. Princess Leia Disguise. Any two matching cardboard baozi can be easily adapted into a wig for the balding female Star Wars fan (brasswork bikini sold seperately).
10. Food. If all else fails, you can always eat it. Not only does cardboard contain 317% more nutrition than any other known Chinese cuisine, the industrial chemicals kill 74% of E.coli and other bacteria, making the cardboard-filled baozi actually safer to eat than regular baozi.
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Meursault said
I see you are a Terry Pratchett fan. I used to enjoy his books as well, until he decided to stop making his Discworld stories funny any more.
I will be moving to Shanghai in September. Get the Martinis ready.
MyLaowai said
There isn’t a week goes by that I don’t read a Discworld book. Yeah, they have gone a bit downhill in terms of humour lately, but even the worst Discworld book ever written kicks the arse out of Harry Bloody Potter.
You mentioned in your blog that you now have an apartment in Changning? That isn’t so very far from me, then. Excellent lah. I hope you like your martini’s made properly, with plenty of Dry Vermouth.
A Proper Breakfast « Wo Shi Laowai - Wo Pa Shui said
[…] tasteless buns filled with rat innards or softened cardboard, no salted duck eggs with rotten pickles, and no watery reheated rice either, thank you Mr Wang. […]