Are you Chinese? Just take this quick test to find out:

1. You look at a chicken, an animal that is 97.2% succulent meat, and all you can see are a few spine fragments and some claws. Mmmmm… Delicious!
+1 point

2. Read the following:
“I was a terrorist who helped overthrow the legally elected government of my country. I then murdered or exiled my closest comrades and those who had helped me get to the top. I hold the title of Greatest Butcher in Human History, having killed more than 120 million people, more people than Hitler and Stalin combined – most of them citizens of my own country. I ordered the invasion of many neighbouring countries, annexed three of them, and ordered their populations massacred. I declared war on the United Nations, and tried to get nuclear weapons from the Russians because I actually wanted a nuclear war with the West. Who am I?”
You have no idea who I am: +1 point
You know who I am, and think I’m great for kicking out the foreigners: +3 points
You can’t read: +1 point

3. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* Cold beer gives you stomach cancer.
* Four legs good, two legs b er, The East is Red!
* Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.
* China has always been a peaceful nation.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

4. You know that China invented the following:
* the compass
* gunpowder
* the wheelbarrow
* concrete
* the Olympic Games
* mountains
* oxygen
* grass
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

5. You can count to ten using the fingers of just one hand.
+1 point

6. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* “[my hometown] is very developing fast and beautiful”
* “Chinese food is best delicious food in world”
* “One world, one dream”
* “Western media is not honest”
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

7. Read the following passage:
Opium: an addictive drug grown by Chinese farmers, harvested and processed by Chinese workers, sold by Chinese Government officials to Chinese drug users, and exported by Chinese traders.
You read this, and immediately blame the British for the Opium Wars: +2 points

8. If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves.
+1 point

9. When asked to describe any animal or plant in the world, you start by saying how delicious it is. Then you run out of things to say.
+1 point

10. Geography Section. How many of the following are true?
* Africa is a country.
* Meiguo is the name of a country.
* China is the biggest country in the world.
* Himalaya is a biggest mountain in world.
* ‘Western’ is a country.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

How did you score?

0 points: Nope, you must be one of those no-good laowai we’ve been hearing about. HELLOOOO! Mind if I stare?

1-5 points: You’re not Chinese, but your mother and I are a little concerned. You could be a student.

6-10 point: No doubt you are a foreigner, but you probably think hutongs are cool places to live. Twat.

11-20 points: Borderline insanity at best, why not just shoot yourself now and send your family the bill for the bullet?

21+ You are Chinese. If you get to this part and you are still able to count higher without using your superfluous fingers and toes, congratulations. No doubt you will make a fine addition to the Fenqing Army. Why not go and eat a chicken claw and then beat your wife / husband to celebrate your cultural superiority?