Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

How Long is your Schlong?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 8, 2008

It was recently noted that the difference between being in a black Audi A6 driven by Hu Jintao, and putting your hand down the front of his trousers, was that you’d feel more of a dick being seen in the Audi.

Which is probably true.

Which brings us nicely to the all-important question that is on the lips of the nation: how big is his cocktail sausage? Well, fret ye not, citizens, for now Mr Hu need only take this short test, which isn’t very long, and he will know the answer…

1. A religious leader you have never met and about whom you know almost nothing, meets with the President of a country you have never been to and about which you know almost nothing. How do you feel?
+1″ Excellent news – sounds like an excuse for another Martini.
-1″ I’m offended on behalf of all [insert dickless nation]‘s People.
-2″ Boycott something!

2. Your ideal car is a… what?
+1″ Aston Martin V8 Vantage, DB7, DBS, or DB9.
-1″ Black VW Santana…
-2″ …with extra chrome bling.

3. A titless, hipless, malnourished skank is demanding yet another new mobile phone in exchange for sexual favours.
+1″ Kick the bitch into touch and disinfect your foot.
-1″ Isn’t that just a normal relationship with a normal skank beautiful traditional girl?
-2″ Wo ai ni xiaojie!

4. You wish to make a purchase, but there’s a queue. What do you do?
+1″ Join the queue. Like a civilised person who has nothing to prove.
-1″ Push in, get kicked out, shout and make a scene, storm off in a huff, come back and try again.
-2″ What means queue?

5. There’s rain / sun / snow [delete as appropriate]. What do you do?
+1″ A hat ought to cover all contingencies. I’m off to the pub.
-1″ Where’s my umbrella?
-2″ It’s too wet / hot / cold to go out [delete as appropriate].

6. It’s Friday night and time to relax. Where do you go?
+1″ The pub. Or a wine bar. A cocktail lounge would do. Or a club inna pinch.
-1″ I’m staying home to eat delicious food and sleep, which are my two favourite hobbies.
-2″ A stained settee in a small dark room, with a diseased skank who pours me small drinks, sound grand.

7. It’s 4:00 PM and you’ve several hours more work to do before you can finish for the day. Your thoughts?
+1″ Work is work, and a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. A job worth doing is worth doing well.
-1″ It’s only the work I didn’t finish yesterday. Who’ll notice?
-2″ What? 4:00 PM already and I haven’t embezzled my company today?! I’d better get busy!

8. Your writing is based on pictographs.
+1″ I’m an ancient Egyptian.
+1″ I’m an ancient Phoenician.
+1″ I’m an ancient Aztec.
+0″ I draw pictures when I want to write, but I’m just a baby.
-1″ I draw pictures when I want to write, but I’m none of the above.

So, how long is it?

0″ or less – Congrats, you’ve won the ‘”Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Wang, I expect you to cry“‘ Trophy

0-2″ – Why not just go home and beat your wife and kids to prove your Manliness? Again.

2-3″ – I bet you spend hours at the gym blow-drying your pubes, don’t you? I hate you. And so does your mistress.

3-4″ You’re the winner of the John Bobbit Award. Might I suggest you consider a career in the Adult Entertainment Industry, as a Thespian making dodgy films with dodgier skanks? Just try not to twitch when the Director calls “Cut!

4-5″ Fair enough, you’re still a boy. Keep at it, Sparky.

5-8″ A normal person. You might as well Vote MyLaowai while you’re here.

8+” Mr Holmes, you’re required on set.

Vote MyLaowai or the Panda gets it!

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22 Responses to “How Long is your Schlong?”

  1. Neddy said

    Good ,all of it, but it was the #1 that made me really laugh. I must be an evil man, who enjoys hurting the feelings of [insert a nation]’s people. Or, just maybe, with passing years I learn how to truly appreciate the life’s little pleasures. Take this headline on the Shanghaiist blog: “Sarkozy pisses off China…” Heartwarming, isn’t it? And on CDT: “French Minister Blasts China’s “Psychodrama” Over Dalai Lama Meeting”. Hell, those French can’t be ALL bad, can they? Even if there was nothing more to this than its entertainment value.

    P.S. No links for the above. Else this comment would be stuck in moderating queue forever.

    P.P.S. What’s this “8+” Mr Holmes, you’re required on set.” thing? Max possible yield here is 8″, unless they stick on an extention made of a wad of second-hand chewing gum.

    P.P.P.S. WTF is this “falling snow” craze about? You are not the only one who thinks it’s cute, you know!

  2. MyLaowai said

    1. It’s a surprise to me to be saying it, but Vive La France!

    2. Mr Holmes was born superfluous to requirements.

    3. It’s Christmas and, therefore, winter. Unless you are a no-good Australian.

  3. justrecently said

    J’ai toujours dit que la France n’est pas mal du tout. Please bear in mind that six years ago or so, the final choice was between Chirac and le Pen. OK, Chirac was bad, but…
    Your post is pretty scientific, Mylaowai. Maybe the great Chinese culture with all its inventions starts rubbing off on you?

  4. FOARP said

    Chairman Mao invented the questionnaire!

  5. Hunxuer said

    Ha ha ha ha LOL ha ha ha LOL LOL ha ha

    angry diatribe

    ha ha ha LOL LOL.

    Me Chinese nationalist “netizen”. Me cannot post anything unless me add many LOL LOL ha ha ha

  6. LaoLao said

    You see, at the end of the day, the French are as bad as the Chinese.

  7. MyLaowai said

    What did the French ever do for us, hmmm? Apart, that is from:
    Aqualung
    Barometer
    Dry cell battery
    Bicycle
    Braille
    Cassegrain Telescope
    Jacques Cousteau
    Gyroscope
    Guillotine
    Gyroscope
    Hot-Air Balloon
    Interchangeable Parts
    Leblanc Process
    Mayonnaise
    The Metric System
    Parachute
    Pasteurization
    Pencil
    Storage battery
    Sewing machine
    …to name but a few off the top of my head. Wikipedia names 256 philosophers, but they probably missed a few. And then there’s Napoleon who, for all his many faults (chief amongst which was being short), was indeed the man who gave us modern military organisation. And the cooking is bloody good, one has to say. The Eiffel Tower is impressive, too. And Art, of course, one can’t ignore the Art. They do make good aeroplanes and stylish cars and women who are quite attractive from upwind.

    But, apart from all that, what did the French ever do for us?

    Bloody Frogs. I hate them almost as much as I hate the Chinks.

  8. Neddy said

    You forgot one French invention: The French Army Knife!

  9. MyLaowai said

    Nice try, Neddy. But invented in China 5,000 years ago, I think you’ll find.

  10. justrecently said

    Did China invent the Noveau Roman too?

  11. Hunxuer said

    China invented hurt feelings…(see excellent Danwei post on hurt feelings)

  12. Neddy said

    I have a serious question concerning that Danwei post: What has the Oz done wrong? We are not on the list! As one commentator puts it:

    “C’mon, the Marshall islands have hurt their feelings and not Australia? The DL has been slumming round here quite often. What do we have to do?”

    Bloody uranium! Waaaaah…

  13. MyLaowai said

    Wow! Japan has Hurt The Feelings Of The Chinese People 47 times! That’s only two times more than the 45 apologies they have made to China for past misdemeanour’s. They also paid 1.3 trillion unadjusted yen in voluntary reparations, but let’s not let them off the hook. After all, wasn’t it Mao who told Prime Minister Tanaka how grateful the Communist Party was to the Japanese, without whose help the Communists would never have been able to seize power?

    And I see India has hurt their feelings a few times, too. Despite India having been the victim of wars of aggression by the Chinese on several occasions.

    The Nobel Committee has done it four times, I see, but they’re probably just Western Imperialists.

    I don’t see much mention of how many times the Chinese have hurt All My Feelings, however.

    Cunts.

  14. There’s some white shit dripping down my screen. Your screen actually. Or are these missile trajectories???

  15. MyLaowai said

    Just don’t eat it if it looks yellow. Lah.

  16. Neddy said

    “There’s some white shit dripping down…” And A Melly Christmas To You, Too!

    Here’s something to blow the snowdrift right off your screens: Allegedly the best TV commercial ever (h/t Hongkie Town blog); an ad for a Siemens washing machine, in case *snigger* you were too preoccupied to notice!

    http://www.techcrunch.com/2008/12/11/quite-simply-the-best-commercial-ever-made/

  17. justrecently said

    A titless, hipless, malnourished skank is demanding…
    You can’t expect real tits in China if they are under arrest most of the time, can you?

  18. justrecently said

    I DID include the link but here it is again, anyway…

    http://shanghaiist.com/2008/12/22/kappa_girl_detained_by_police.php

  19. Neddy said

    Or go and see ‘Got Rice?’ at http://blog.stonecamel.com/ ! Alright, some of those are Japanese, Korean, etc., but still…

  20. MyLaowai said

    “some of those are Japanese, Korean, etc., but still…”

    Yes, and therefore some of them are actually attractive. Dammit, time for a post on this Kappa Slut.

  21. MyLaowai said

    Heh heh I particularly like Got Rice’s Asian Girl #711 – the one that’s dead and washed up on the beach.

    She may be a corpse, but I’d still root it, though.

  22. justrecently said

    This isn’t what Chairman Mao has liberated women for. Blue Apple will chase you out of China.

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