Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Are you a Man?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 8, 2009

1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent way too much of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and other equally suspicious ‘exercises’. And you’re probably on the Oprah diet, or whatever it’s called. Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog: “Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat: “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any other such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, cigarettes, pipes, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public toilet or a piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out ‘chartreuse’ or you know what a ‘fressier’ is, you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel and you aren’t actually in a race, forget it: you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you hesitate to tell everyone on your email list that MyLaowai.com is your preferred blog, because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

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13 Responses to “Are you a Man?”

  1. You’ve confirmed my fkn suspicions. For all my wife tries to tell me otherwise, I am in fact really a man after all. Thank you.

    You did miss out on one point about turd-burglar tendencies. Any man that can mix a perfect Martini prefers to have his fuck buddy’s olives banging of his ass cheeks. Isn’t that right ;-)

    Now, we can sit back and wait for Miss Andy to give you the, ‘he’s a damn racist AND a homophobe’ tirade.

    Well Andy, if you are reading this, let me tell you that I have a very, very feminine side to me. I love to watch lesbian porn and I love threesomes with lesbian lookalikes even more. I am in fact, a lesbian in a man’s body.

  2. C.A. Yeung said

    What is a “fressier”?

  3. MyLaowai said

    I honestly have not the faintest idea.

  4. s said

    Come on, there is not need to be so coy … do tell us …

    You don’t write about things that you don’t have the faintest idea ….or do you ?

  5. MyLaowai said

    Oh yes, all the time.

  6. s said

    hey, you reminded me of someone at work.

    He is pretty funny and a bit of a man of letters.

    He is funniest when bitching and raving and usually on things he don’t really understand.

    He also drinks martini and likes to call people poof

    He is in a long term relation with this Thai guy, he used to say once you try asian, you never go back. ( BTW, is this why you live in SH for all these years even when you hate the place so much ? )

    Mr Mylaowai , are you in fact, a knob jockey ?

  7. MyLaowai said

    I neither confirm nor deny this wild and rampant speculation, except to say that any hole is a goal, and every one you miss puts you one behind.

    Please don’t mention a word of this to Mrs MyLaowai.

  8. s said

    I like your attitude.

    As they say, what you do all day before will take you all day to do. Get in while you can.

    Find any hole and go for goal.

    P.S
    I have an inkling that Mrs Mylaowai already know what you have been upto when you disappear from home some nites and venture into the dark alleys in seedy SH. She definitely could have tasted it on ur knob when she is down on you.

    She may be in the process of collecting evidence and saving it up for a big lawsuit later for hurting her feelings.

    My Mylaowai …WATCH OUT !!!

  9. MyLaowai said

    Nah. Mrs MyLaowai is Chinese, and therefore has no feelings. Did you know that her blood is actually a black, viscous fluid, and that her heart is made of coal?

  10. s said

    Yeah … We do know now.

    Starting to feel a bit sorry for you, seems there is some truth in what they said about clowns: every smile wears a sad face.

    You have my full sympathies.

    And I can fully understand that she is the reason you have a crap-infested knob.

    Guess it is time to get rid of her, pack your bags and move to Bangcock.

  11. MyLaowai said

    Ah, you see that is where you are wrong, young grasshopper. Mrs MyLaowai and I are perfectly complimentary. My heart is big enough for both of us, as you must surely have noticed from my compassionate writings?

    Not only is Mrs MyLaowai a perfect partner, she is my finest critic too, and this blog couldn’t be written without her loving support.

    I think Mrs MyLaowai will be around for some considerable time to come.

  12. s said

    I see … from what you are saying, I guess the one who has the bigger heart is Mrs Mylaowai.

    I used to thought good looking young Chinese ladies who put up with fat old bastard laowais husbands with crap-infested knobs are just gold diggers and whores.

    How wrong am I !!! They are sacrificing themselves to enable the harmonious exchange of two great cultures.

    I salute you Mrs Mylaowai.

  13. Ned Kelly said

    Heaven forbid that anyone should call you a homophobe, or else you’ll incur the wrath of a million adorable couples like these boys: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=sS2ZfkyKT44

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