Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

M.Y.O. Jamboy

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, February 12, 2009

Now that the weather is warming up, garbage is beginning to rot once more in alleyways and on footpaths all across the Land, and the streets are again becoming open latrines for the vast, sweating mass of the People. As a result of this, we are about to witness the annual return of one of God’s more abominable creations: the fly. I hate flies, really I do. And mosquitoes, I absolutely detest mosquitoes.

Which is why every year around this time I invest in a new Jamboy.

The Jam Boy was first introduced as early as the 1800s when the British Empire occupied India. When the British gentry went to play golf, they would have two men, the caddy and a Jam Boy.

The Jam Boys sole purpose was to keep the mosquitoes away from the golfer. To do this, the Jam Boy would cover himself in Jam to attract the mosquitoes away from the players. When the game was over the Jam Boy got to keep the jam he was wearing to take home to his family.

The Jamboy is a simple enough concept, and one which has proven to be both cost-effective and highly efficient. I honestly do appreciate my Jamboy more than words can ever express, and I heartily recommend you make yourself one, too.

First up, you will need to find yourself a suitable boy. Not just any boy will do – he needs to be small enough that he doesn’t block your view of the scenery when you are sitting down enjoying a gin and tonic, he needs to be just undernourished enough that he will stand still without fidgeting, and he needs to be able to keep silent so as not to disturb you, your family, or any guests you may be entertaining. One like this should do nicely:

And let us not forget the jam. The secret to a good jam is to find one that is both sticky and sweet. I prefer strawberry jam, which Mrs Laowai makes herself, because the basic ingredients are so easily obtained (remember to use plenty of pectin!):

The next step is to smear the jam over the boy. It is important to remember not to get any in his eyes, or near his mouth where he might be tempted to eat it. I find that the hair is the best place for it, and I always use a generous amount. We wouldn’t want any flies to escape, would we? Here’s the one I made last year:

Finally, please remember the we foreigners are guests in this country, and as such we should show generosity towards our hosts by allowing the Jamboy to keep any jam that is remaining on his head at the end of the day. It’s only fair.

I hope you enjoy a summer that is fly and mosquito free – I know I will.

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6 Responses to “M.Y.O. Jamboy”

  1. Eric D said

    Will have to try that on the neighbor’s kids. Mom’s kinda hot, so it’ll give her a reason to come visit sometime!

  2. Mate, that had me rolling over the floor. Note to self: need to make my own for the next barbie…

  3. serdolik said

    Yes, a theme very actual… Especially now, when at us winter in a heat… Mosquitoes while sleep on holes.. But here cockroaches – have simply become impudent… As though it too to think up what a dirty trick? I, as the former seaman – can offer the version… You Take glass to bank from under the same jam – top you cover with vegetable oil and cockroaches, getting in bank, back going cannot. When bank it is filled – it is possible to throw out it far away (we threw for a board), and it is possible to throw “favourite” to the neighbour…. I Thank…

  4. I can’t believe we never thought of this.

  5. […] there are solutions. But with inflation in China running at 15-20% pectin is becoming expensive – my Jamboy is […]

  6. Adam said

    Can’t believe you’re wasting good jam on fuckin boons

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