Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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How to place an order with a factory

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, November 26, 2009

Are YOU having delivery problems with YOUR Chinese supplier?

Deadlines missed? Delivery dates passing by with no sign of your goods?

Well then, listen up schmucks. This is how it is done…

1. Get yourself a piece of paper and a pen. After you’ve done this a few times you’ll be able to do it in your head, but for now let’s play it safe, ok?

2. Write down the date on which you absolutely must have the goods by. The latest possible date. We are going to count back from here.

3. Take off the number of days it will take for the freight people to transport the goods from the factory to your warehouse. For the sake of this exercise, we will assume four days, but it could be any number. Well, I say it could be any number, but in actual fact it could be any number except for the one you are expecting.

4. Take off two more days to allow for the fact that the freight people forgot to pick up the goods from the manufacturer as arranged.

5. Take off one day to allow for the fact that the freight people didn’t deliver the goods to you until after 8:00 P.M., when your warehouse is closed. You will need to have someone there all night, every night. This means you, because relatives of your local staff will simply use the opportunity to loot the place.

6. Take off two days to allow for the fact that the Chinese manufacturer has been repeatedly told it is of absolute urgency and that all future business rests on their shipping the goods on time.

7. Take off three days to allow for the fact that they had to produce some critical component. But not for you, unfortunately.

8. Take off the production days, however many that is. For the sake of argument, we will assume seven days.

9. Take off three days. Because this is China.

10. We now have twenty-two days lead time. This is how long it will take to actually receive the order which you can reasonably expect in eleven days. This is your secret, to be shared only with your client, but never with the factory. Place your order no later than this date.

11. When placing your order, specify in the first line what it is you want, together with the quantity and price. In the second line, state the last possible date of delivery to your warehouse to be eleven days. No one in China is capable of reading past the first line, so this detail will be lost, however they will acknowledge your order. When, in your correspondence, you repeatedly refer to the ‘delivery date’, they will have no idea to what you are referring, but they will happily agree regardless.

12. On the tenth day, call them up and enquire as to the shipping status of your order. You will be told it is “okay”. Ask detailed questions regarding the shipping documents and tracking numbers, then ask the same questions again. And again. And, possibly, again. Eventually, the person on the other end of the phone will be forced to answer your questions. They will answer with lies, of course, but now at least they have committed themselves.

13. Tell the manufacturer (who has, by now, started production and may actually have even completed it), you are cancelling the order because your clients cannot wait for even two more days. Point out that this was agreed to in all the correspondence. Tell the person you are talking to that this is coming out of their wages. Make the person you are dealing with cry – I mean it, really lay it on. Important point: don’t shout; remain calm and collected.

14. Keep this up until the person stops beginning every sentence with “Because…”. This is the moment when you have the knife to their throat, and they know it. Now allow them the briefest glimmer of hope: ask them when is the soonest date that the goods can be with you, and what are they prepared to do to compensate you and your client for your losses.

15. Remain silent yourself for four seconds (use a watch). Then crush their hopes and tell them that the date they have just specified is – and I quote – “completely unacceptable”. You get another day or so knocked off this way. Now you are down to the original twenty two days you calculated, perhaps even twenty one days if you are really sharp.

16 Compensation should be in the order of an additional twenty percent of the value of the order, free with your next order. You will in fact actually receive five percent of the value of the order free with your next order, but that’s better than a kick in the teeth. Plus then you can use the shortfall to demand further concessions in the future.

Congratulations. If you have followed these simple steps, you will receive your goods on time, or slightly before. Your client will receive a small incentive to give you further orders. And you, well you got to make some mutt cry.

Happy happy everyday. For any question pls contact me freely!!!

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49 Responses to “How to place an order with a factory”

  1. Meursault said

    This is your best ever post and should be printed out and pasted on every businessman’s wall.

  2. Tweets that mention How to place an order with a factory « Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui -- Topsy.com said

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by JacquelineReneeCohen, Jo Chan. Jo Chan said: 'How to place an order with a factory' from the hilarious if harsh Mylaowai blog http://tinyurl.com/yz77b2e (VPN req'd) [...]

  3. MyLaowai said

    Ah Meursault, but then the businessmen would know our dark secrets, and they wouldn’t need experts such as us any longer, would they?

    • H.JIN said

      I am new to this site. But are you one of those people who clam to be an expert on China?
      Do you make a living out of being an expert on China?

  4. Spot on, as usual.

  5. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Thank you so much for this bullshit-free post.

    I would like to add a couple more tips on doing business in China: 1. Understand that when you have signed the contract, with all provisions covered and set in stone, it is time for the serious negotiations to begin. Next day, they will tell you the factory “can’t make money” on the price they agreed to. 2. Understand that your ideas of “fair play” and “win-win” will be a source of amusement to the Chinese, whose business model is Genghis Khan. 3. Assume every Chinese you meet is a business spy who feels it is his “patriotic duty” to the Sacred Motherland to reveal any information he can worm out of you to the “relevant authorities”.

  6. Sojourner said

    MyLaowai, why are you in China? Really. If you hate China so much to the point that you are devoting this much time writing blogs insulting the country why don’t you just go home? Are you mad? Do you know that this will eventually cause cancer? You will die.

    Let me put what I have to say in “your language” so you can understand:

    Why don’t you go back to Topeka, Kansas and dwell among your fellow, petty, ignorant, feral, small village Americans? Y’all can join the elite “laid-off” club together. Tell the village folks there about all your “adventures” here in China. Tell them about all the tall buildings, the broad streets, how there are hundreds of shops on any given street. It would be “mind expanding” for them. They would love it! Cuz they haven’t heard any news other than school shootings, incest, racism, and generally other petty, feral, “villag-isms”. If you don’t believe me just go on to CNN, I bet you the headline village news must have one or two stories from the categories aforementioned.

    You will be an instant celebrity, and your tales would probably generate you far more money than in China. Hey, you might even get sponsorship and endorsements from big brands like the CIA!

    And if you have problems with Chinese suppliers, get your supplies from your fellow countrymen. Yeah, stop your bitching. Just get your supplies from Americans. Why don’t you BUY AMERICAN huh? “FUCK YEAH!”. And then you can see your earnings drop by more than half, land yourself in the toilet with labor relations, AND you can’t get your products in time from lack of productivity. Your “fellow, gloriously rotund, American” workers will be more inclined to hang out at Wallmart and Mikey-Ds than work. “Shit”, and there’s nuthin’ y’all can do about that.

    “Ya dig”, ma cheap, uncultured, village trader man? Go feral at home, not here in China.

    :)

    PEACE, “AITE”?

  7. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Dear Sojourner,

    Better take your own advice on getting mad.

  8. Sojourner said

    Dear RecoveredSinoholic,

    I am not mad, I was stating the truth, and I was simply trying to find a way to converse with a typical american; an uncultured, ill-mannered, petty, feral, ignorant, cheap, village trader. Can you suggest a better way for me to help him understand? I didn’t think he could handle subtlety. That was why I was direct.

    But I thought my words represented Americanism well? Isn’t this how they communicate in their villages?

    After all, the heart and soul of Americanism can be summed up in this way, a la Mark Twain,

    “Ah am uh Gawd damn hu-aht American farmer. Don’t got much edu’cation, but ah know ma rights. Ah can go on cussin’, hatin’, and disrespectin’ other peoples’ cultures and countries, an’ there’s nuthin’ y’all can do about it.”

    Don’t you agree? I didn’t think conversations with animals warranted civility.

  9. Heiney said

    Mylaowai is American?!?!?!

    I didn’t know Americans could write so well.

  10. Neddy said

    ‘lo there, Heiney! Long time no hear; I trust you are well, or at least “well, with Chinese characteristics”.

    In your comment, I take it you refer to a brain fart produced by our latest troll (he may be an old one with a new name; they all stink like unwashed socks). Well, he is just an idiot.

    Not that I discriminate against the likes of him; even idiots have their rights, don’t they? What I do object to is that he does not wipe the spittle off his chin before opening his trap in polite company. Let’s just hope he is more amusing than his predecessors. Though judging by his opening round, I would not hold my breath…

    Cheers and good luck!

  11. Sojourner said

    Heiney,

    Yes, I am quite certain he is American. I have dealt with many like him before in China as a businessman. He is a loser/sucker that got gypped by the Chinese market and is here sulking about it. Very amusing.

    But I have a question for you, assuming that you are German, do you know what the real meaning of Schmuck is in German? I am curious. I know what that means in English slang.

    Neddy,

    I hate to break your community of incompetent sour grapes, but realize that if you want to make money in China you got to be smarter. Most of you Europeans and Americans that come over here are either too incompetent, naive, or stupid, or all of the above. China is not Smallville, Kansas or Bavaria. The furthest outfielders I have seen are those political human rights activists (most of them irrational females) that are hell bent on subversion. All in all, you guys are just ridiculous.

    If you want to win, you got to be smarter, or if not, TRY HARDER.

    And Ned, if you are going to insult me and make an honest attempt at being sophisticated, with the “holier than thou” attitude, try more symbolisms and cultural analogies. Imageries by themselves just won’t hit the mark. But I commend you on being imaginative.

    Cheers and Good luck!

  12. RecoveredSinoholic said

    “if you want to make money in China you got to be smarter. Most of you Europeans and Americans that come over here are either too incompetent, naive, or stupid, or all of the above. China is not Smallville, Kansas or Bavaria.”

    Two points:

    1. Indeed, most foreigners in China are not crooked, corrupt, cynical or ruthless enough to achieve success there. Only prolonged exposure to the Chinese people and government can correct this deficiency.

    2. Depends on which part of China or America your are talking about. I agree, Wichita is not Shanghai. On the other hand Jiaozuo is not New York either.

    I look forward to seeing more posts from you. The FQs are always a reliable source of amusement.

  13. MyLaowai said

    Dear Sojourner,

    I see from your continually changing IP addresses that you are in China, and are using a proxy service to view my award-winning blog.

    This award-winning blog (voted Overall Best China Blog in 2008 and runner-up in 2007) is hosted outside of China, at a domain that I know is blocked in China, and is not legally accessible to people living in China. By reading this blog, you are therefore breaking the Law of the PRC (a nation that is, as we all know, ruled by Law in a harmonious and diligent manner. And a very fashion one, too). You should be ashamed of yourself.

    However, your question: “MyLaowai, why are you in China?” is a good one. There are two answers that seem appropriate. Choose whichever is the most likely to reinforce your nationalist, xenophobic, pre-formed opinions.

    1. I am in China because I am a good person. I know that poor China needs the help of other nations and that the poor Chinese People need the help of other peoples. I know that without our help, China would still be a collection of mud huts by the banks of various rivers, and that the Chinese people would not have televisions and shiny cars. I am here to help and to patronise in a condescending manner, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and the heart of my bottom.

    2. I am in China because I am a bad person. I know that China is ripe for exploiting, and that the Chinese people make for cheap labour. Granted, they don’t make good workers, which is why I treat them so badly. One of my ancestors personally sacked the Forbidden City during the Opium Wars, and I have in my possession today various cultural and historical artefacts that have been stolen from the Chinese people. I am here to suck you lot dry, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and the heart of my bottom.

    Of course, if you can think of any other possible answers, feel free to post them here. Your future contributions are appreciated.

    Regards and kisses to your mother, et al,

    MyLaowai.

  14. LoveChinaLongTime said

    (clap clap) to our newest troll using the moniker of a crusading negress, “Sojourner Truth”.

    Now why not, instead of getting worked up reading this page, start up your “I Suck China’s Balls” blog?

    I may be tempted to go there once in a while to troll and comment…

  15. MyLaowai said

    Question:
    “I have a question for you, assuming that you are German, do you know what the real meaning of Schmuck is in German? I am curious.”

    Answer(s):
    Schmuck is a surname. Of German origin, it means jewel or jewellery. The name is commonly seen on signs and billboards in Germany and Austria related to the merchandising of precious jewellery. The Schmuck family name has been traced to the birth of Christian von Schmuck in 1370. In 1624, an Armorial Patent, or Coat of Arms, was granted at Rattenberg by Archduke Leopold V of Austria.

    Schmuck is most often used in American English as a pejorative or insult, meaning an obnoxious or contemptible person; one who is stupid, foolish, or detestable.

    Choose whichever definition you prefer, Schmuck.

  16. justrecently said

    Re: #11 China is not Smallville, Kansas or Bavaria.
    Hence, justrecently cordially invites everyone to come to and invest in Bavaria. It’s a nice place, there’s good beer after hours or for lunch, a beautiful way of life, and the rule of law.
    On the other hand, if you are a patient and kind-hearted lad like mylaowai, reap the rewards for your good deeds in China first, and then invest them in Bavaria (or elsewhere in my country) later, when you grow older and develop a liking for more reliability and predictability.
    Thank you for your attention,
    and thanks to sojourner for dropping by, and welcome back many, many times.

  17. RecoveredSinoholic said

    This is a point which I wish to address for the edification of sojourner and all the other China trolls who constantly ask us China-hating (or at least neutral) waiguoren, “Why are you in China if you don’t like it?”

    It usually boils down to one of two things: money and/or family.

    Same reason most PRC immigrants are here in the U.S. God knows they don’t like the place, and they are not at all reluctant to tell you, once you get to know them. One of them recently said to me, without much exaggeration, “None of us like it here”. Another even told me to my face “Fuck America! I hate this fucking place!”

    So why is he here? Money, of course. He makes boatloads of it in L.A.

    I can speak with some authority on the subject because I have the dubious “privilege” of living in the San Gabriel Valley, which stretches from about 10-30 miles east of Los Angeles and is infested with the highest concentration of Chinese outside of Asia. That is, when I am not forced to travel to Hualand on business (I split my time between the two countries these days). The place where I was born was about 2% Chinese at that time; now it is about 70% overrun by the hua-folk.

    I watch the hua-tourists come to L.A. in their droves, and no Ugly American could ever equal them in being offensive, loud, rude and pushy. (Not that the hua immigrants living here are any better). And the littering…Of course, they go Vegas because they are all gambling addicts, then its on to Disneyland, “Bevelly Hills” (“OOH, Lodeo (Rodeo) Dlive, real Lolex!”), and then, the only other things they are interested in, Chinatown and the San Gabriel Valley, to view the evidence of their hua-conquests in L.A., to see all the Chinese signs and of course, eat Chinese food (none of that filthy foreign stuff for their delicate heathen Chinee palates!)

    I know many Chinese who have lived in L.A. for 5, 10, 20 years and who speak no English beyond “hello”. We have Chinese TV, radio, newspapers, movies, restaurants, banks, the post offices all have at least one Chinese speaking worker, etc…

    So, to all of you laowais trapped in Zhongguo land and hating it, you have nothing to apologize for and nothing to feel guilty about. Don’t be bullied or intimidated by the super-xenophobic Chinese shitheads. There is nothing you can do to equal the boorishness of their own countrymen abroad.

  18. LoveChinaLongTime said

    I truly feel for you, RecoveredSinoholic. Living in the “City of Angels” surrounded by little goblins!!

    I gotta say, at least in a place like The OC, where the first wave of Taiwan hua folk migrated to after their mainland “brethren” took over their old grazing lands, at least there is a sense of civility. Was, I should say, as I have not been there in many, many years.

  19. LoveChinaLongTime said

    And on another note, those of us here in han/hua land can only vent through sites as this (though blocked in the PRiC) to our fellow visitors that know from what we rant.

    Those goblins living abroad and fully taking advantage of the benefits of a free, open society can be the total twats they are openly and abuse those privileges while easily getting permanent residency cards, etc for their 12 generations of family that will eventually come over whereas those laowai toiling in hua/han land will never, ever be welcomed with smiles and open arms. It’s a reality we accept.

  20. Sojourner said

    lol….you laowais are pitiful yet so cute at the same time…

    :)

    Dear Mylaowai,

    It seems your “perv-log” is malfunctioning. Check it again and you will see that the “IP address” actually says something like Michigan, USA. That’s right, I am writing you this from Michigan right now. I am an investment banker based in New York who is working on a project there. I am, unlike many other Chinese businessman, totally sympathetic to your stupidity induced plight in China. I am also well aware of both East Asian and Western culture (I lived in the U.S. for about 5 years) so you don’t have to act like the puerile cultural ambassador and lecture me on how you are saving the locals. Oh boohoo…the poor, innocent, “mud hut” locals who are living on your benevolence are “condescendingly” ripping you off…

    1. “This award-winning blog (voted Overall Best China Blog in 2008 and runner-up in 2007) is hosted outside of China, at a domain that I know is blocked in China, and is not legally accessible to people living in China. By reading this blog, you are therefore breaking the Law of the PRC (a nation that is, as we all know, ruled by Law in a harmonious and diligent manner. And a very fashion one, too). You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    lol…..oh and aren’t you cute. That is certainly something to be proud of!!! The best, feel-good, “self help” award of 2007 with the endorsements of fellow incompetent, sucker, foreign investors. I bet the Law of the PRC must have been particularly harsh on stupid ones like you huh? ONLY YOU got burned over there? You should be VERY ashamed indeed mister! lol…..

    Let us pretend for a moment that you ARE actually saintly and not just stupid, using benevolence as a guise, then you know very well that those workers are getting maybe 10% or less of the value they created, while you, the “holier than thou”, “morally magnificent”, cheap village trader extraordinaire is reaping off their rewards by the boatloads. Of course you know that, you stated that yourself. If Union laws were stronger in China, “y’all be sittin’ y’all crotchety ass back home watchin’” Oprah.

    Realize, at this crucial moment the Chinese people don’t need you to provide them with TVs, your countrymen need you to provide them with TVs. Without you in China, there will always be other, smarter, investors and other, smarter, more civilized foreigners.

    2. Personally I have never lived in the countryside before, but after going to wild, foreign lands such as yours, I cannot but feel that I have more than made up with lost time. Although I adore, appreciate, and am grateful for the locals’ sincerity, kindness, warmth, and openness, which I repaid ten fold through investing Chinese capital here, I cannot wait to get out of this place.

    I feel like as if I have been banished to the wilderness…like the political prisoners of ancient times. Each morning, I wake up to the calls of crows and dress in local drabs (jeans + sweat shirt) so austere I doubt farmers in Eastern China today will even consider wearing..

    And the people, they look like they could drop dead any minute from a heart attack yet they are still so genuinely happy…. all the time….. for no apparent reason. They smile like idiots. But the farm girls here are attractive. Simple minded goodness just radiate from within…I don’t think you can find such retardedly beautiful girls in China anymore these days.

    Kisses to YOUR mother as well MyLaowai, I do like simple, feral, gals like her…

    Sojourner

    P.S. : The modern American English word “Schmuck” is actually derived from the Yiddish (Germanic Jewish) word meaning “a diseased or unclean penis”. It is used mostly within the Jewish community in the United States and New York which then permeated into the mainstream. If you are going to clarify your own culture for me, the foreigner, I suggest you to understand it first yourself.

    Cheers!

  21. Sojourner said

    Dear LoveChinaLongTime,

    1. I would appreciate it if you use the wonderful book called the dictionary. What does the word “sojourner” mean? I am glad you still remember your civil rights movement history from middle school though.

    2. “…while easily getting permanent residency cards, etc for their 12 generations of family that will eventually come over whereas those laowai toiling in hua/han land will never, ever be welcomed with smiles and open arms. It’s a reality we accept.”

    Are you kidding me? Chinese people love foreigners! We are some of the most hospitable people on earth! We have always taken in foreigners for thousands of years! When you animals were wiping out the Jews in Europe, we were the only nation that accepted them without conditions. They settled in Shanghai, and have mixed in with the local population there. According to The Three Kingdoms, one of Cao Cao’s sons had red hair, pale skin, and was famed to have the height of three men with the strength to bring down elephants. He was not “Han” Chinese.

    There have always been various foreigners in China since the very beginning. Our culture is like water, we always accept foreign objects. However, traditionally speaking, once they enter, we shape them to the curves that is harmonious with our aesthetic values through civilization and gifts. And they, usually will not want to leave again…

    This happened to the Mongols, Turks, Arabs, Persians, Manchus, Russians, and the Jews and it will happen to you too.

    But if you are arrogant, condescending, aggressive, rude, adamant on changing our culture to yours, or heavens forbid tries to destroy our country, we will drown you.

  22. Sojourner said

    Dear RecoveredSinoholic,

    Since this is so time consuming, and so pointless, you will be the last person I respond to. And this will be my last post on this pointless blog. With that, I will fully honor the name I chose for this site.

    In response to;

    1. I take it that you are not a businessman. If you are, then you must actually be from Wichita. “crooked, corrupt, cynical or ruthless?” Man, you live in a developed country. China is a developING country. You think people in a developing country can be more crooked, corrupt, cynical, ruthless than one at a developed country? Now, think carefully about what I am saying.

    The Chinese financial industry (especially the capital markets) is in no way as developed as the ones in the West. This is the industry where the kings of crooks rule. I work in this industry, and I work in New York, I know very well how crooked, corrupt, cynical, and ruthless American businessmen can be. You people bring the game to a whole new level. Can’t you tell from reading my posts? I have become….oh “god forbid” westernized…

    But then again, what did you think business was? A Salvation Army affair? Where the kind village folks from east end of town come together with the ones from the west end of town, sit down together at the town hall meeting and chat? Doing business is a sophisticated affair involving careful calculations and raw guts. You people come from a market, society (especially Europe), that is not half as competitive as China. The Chinese market is filled with young, smart, rational, ambitious people who got nothing to lose. It’s exactly where America was back in the 1920s. Legends such as Carnegie and J.P. Morgan are in the making..at this very moment.

    The meat is on the table, but the question is, are you brave and smart enough to take it?

    2. New York is a “hutong” compared to Beijing or Shanghai, enough said.

    “It usually boils down to one of two things: money and/or family.”

    Well, no kidding. You think? Did you think we thought you came to convert us to Christianity? Everybody in China knows you guys are there for money, even rural farmers who can’t read.

    “One of them recently said to me, without much exaggeration, “None of us like it here”. Another even told me to my face “Fuck America! I hate this fucking place!””

    You are right. That’s because Chinese culture is in many ways the direct opposite of American culture. You people like to be wild (perhaps from your free, Germanic roots), we like order. You like to hide in little wooden boxes in the countryside, far apart from anyone else, in dead silence, while we like to live with more “contact” with the living, in boisterous metropolitan areas with lots of shops. You people despise and hate foreigners, fearing they will take your jobs and so devise all kinds of childish names for them, while we have welcome foreigners (that’s respectful and open to new cultures) for thousands of years and have generally looked upon them with curiosity, amusement, and love rather than petty fear. You people love war, we love peace. You love independence, we love cooperation. You people don’t believe in education, we do…etc. etc.

    ““Bevelly Hills” (“OOH, Lodeo (Rodeo) Dlive, real Lolex!”),”

    These people are cantonese. Their language is slowly being replaced by the softer sounding Mandarin. But Cantonese is actually closer to the Chinese spoken 1000 years ago. It is the true “Chinese”. Mandarin has many elements of Turkish, Mongolian, and Manchu mixed in.

    “to see all the Chinese signs and of course, eat Chinese food (none of that filthy foreign stuff for their delicate heathen Chinee palates!)”

    No, this is actually a serious problem. You will be surprised but I am not kidding you. Many Chinese people, especially those from the south, really CAN’T process western foods. I am dead serious. Their body just won’t accept it. My friend’s father who lives in the U.S. buys Chinese takeout or cooks at home all the time, his body can’t process Western food. If he takes those in, he always get constipation problems.

    Many, many Chinese in America suffer from indigestion problems. They can’t process western foods. Many live in agony.

    In the ancient times, Southerners always look down upon us Northerners in China because we eat barley. They think coarse foods like those are only fit for livestock. They could never process coarse foods.

    “I know many Chinese who have lived in L.A. for 5, 10, 20 years and who speak no English beyond “hello”. We have Chinese TV, radio, newspapers, movies, restaurants, banks, the post offices all have at least one Chinese speaking worker, etc…”

    Those people are from the south. They are the true “Chinese” who are more traditional than Northerners, they don’t believe in western culture. But then again, it’s America, the land of immigrants, where everyone’s allowed to live the way they want. You can easily see this occur in the Latino or Arab community.

    Your grandparents were immigrants too. Chances are, they were either German, Irish, or Italian. Those communities lived in the U.S. for 5, 10+ years and they didn’t speak English. In fact, Westerners in America stopped fighting among themselves only after blacks and other minorities gained equal status. At that point, you people all started to speak English.

    There is no single, universal definition of “American” except a conglomeration of immigrant cultures.

    This does not apply in China’s case.

  23. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Sojourner,

    Your rather confused posts reveal another difference between western and Chinese culture. We are taught to be truthful, while you are taught to politely lie. Each has its strengths and limitations. Certainly it is no good to be honest if you are meeting with an important client who is repulsive to you. On the other hand, if you constantly tell polite lies, there is a danger that you will start believing your own bs, as is the case with the Chinese who tell us how much they “love” foreigners while at the same time making rude, condescending and stupidly arrogant comments about them, as you do.

    In fact, you are no different from any of the pompous, arrogant, self-important, puffed-up Confucian official bureaucrats of the last 2000 years who proclaimed their “affection” for the foreigners whom they really regarded as no different from intelligent monkeys. This phenomenon can be seen today with the foreign born retards who dress up in their mandarin suits and parade their knowledge of the Chinese language and their idiotic love of Zhongguo land on CCTV. The poor fools don’t even know how contemptuous the Chinese savages are of their pathetic performances.

    So how about a little honesty? I know you are holding your nose every day against the stink of the godawful fat Americans you are forced to deal with. New York is nothing but a country hamlet to you. And I will gladly admit to feeling the same way every time I must travel to your overcrowded, filthy, polluted country. I need a gas mask every time I go to a smoke filled Chinese business meeting. I feel like vomiting every time I am invited to another “banquet” and have to drink the airplane fuel you call liquor. I despise the boobless, buttless teenage-boy bodied, stick-figure Chinese women who think they are so cute. I will go nuts if I have to watch another weepy Chinese soap opera (why are you people all so miserable anyway)? I hate listening to and participating in your off-key crokey-okey singing contests. And I despise your boring, no-culture TV shows with your stupid vacuous disco divas who can only copy their American betters, with the cretinous dance routines in the background. And the faux-Tibetan yodeling songs. And the patriotic crap…

    It’s OK to stop pretending you care for or respect anything about the outside world (except American songs which you copy endlessly). Every heard of a Chinese “Americanologist” or “Europeanologist”?

  24. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Weirdest, most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen: half a dozen 10-or-12 year old Chinese girls wiggling their pre-pubescent booties and pointing with outstretched arms at the audience while singing,

    I’m your Venus,
    I’m your fire,
    I’m your desire!

    Gotta love CCTV

  25. Scoobydo said

    Sojourner,

    Hey man, you have issues.

  26. Wow! With a process like that, I’m surprised that you would ever do business with a Chinese manufacturer ever. Just sounds like a headache to me.

  27. LoveChinaLongTime said

    @Recovered: You didn’t actually read all that drivel did you?? Anyway, props for you if you did while crafting a decent response to the goblin.

  28. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Nah. No need to read it all. I’m familiar enough with goblin-speak.

  29. MyLaowai said

    Well, I for one value the contributions made by our Chinese guests.

    There are times when they make my point far better than I ever could.

    Thank you, spies and fenqing alike!

  30. C.A. Yeung said

    1. This is not the Sojourner who is well-known to the English language China Blogosphere. Sojourner doesn’t write like this.

    2. This troll is not a native-speaker of Chinese. Even Chinese with the best English skills cannot write like this troll.

    3. Ned Kelly and I have reasons to believe that this troll is the same person who used to impersonate Sojourner back in the Duckpond days.

  31. justrecently said

    Umm… C.A., if we are thinking of the same person, I’m wondering why the sojourner-impersonator should act the fenqing fool here?

  32. Ned Kelly said

    JR, on Catherine’s behalf, her response is, “because he’s f—ed up.”

  33. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Perhaps he is an “FBC” (foreign born Chinese)? They are often really fucked up in the head.

  34. Slap2tickle said

    http://www.chinalawblog.com/2009/12/how_not_to_get_china_internet.html

    What more can I say? Just one example found.

  35. Sojourner said

    哦, 我现在又不是中国人了… 你们老外太逗了。

    如果我写中文, 你们看的懂吗?

    楊先生,

    怎么? 不信我会说, 写中文? 我是一个土生土长的北京人。家在北京, 新街口儿。

  36. Sojourner said

    我的老外 (Mylaowai),

    哥们儿, 别闹了。美国自由,还是回家撒野去吧……啊? 瞧给你气的…连犹太语的脏话都写出来了…何必呢?

    RecoveredSinoholic,

    电视剧看不懂别瞎看, 好酒不会喝别瞎喝, 给你们老外简直就是浪费。

    中华古典文化在中国么…mmm….你们是不会明白的。

  37. MyLaowai said

    “Chinese classical culture”? There’s more culture in a pottle of yoghurt.

    For a more correct view of Chinese culture, please go to the internationally renowned, award-winning, very delicious and fashion, http://www.MyLaowai.com

    You know it makes sense.

  38. If you were a princeling, you would have a share in that country, sojourner. But you are too frustrated to be a princeling.

  39. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Dear Sojournerdude,

    I know you think no outsider can understand the magnificent 5-whatever-old hua culture. However, as is often true in such cases, you merely confuse “understanding” with “approval”.

  40. Jon said

    Nice site – Here’s wishing you a very happy and prosperous new year !

  41. H.JIN said

    Hm.. Know your enemy like you know yourself! This is a piece of useful information for those who want to do business with the Chinese!

    In the meantime, look for a factory located elsewhere who honours the contract terms better than the one located in China. If you find a better price, switch! So you don’t have to deal with all that crap! And if you do find one, please let me know. (I have been looking for one for 15 years!)

  42. H.JIN said

    Sojourner didn’t come back???
    It was an amusement reading this thread!
    Bring back Sojourner!!!!!!
    Without him, this thread is just a monologue!

  43. Don’t worry, H.JIN. Sojourner may stay away for a while, but he’ll come back to these threads under his current name or another for at least two reasons. One is that he can speak out here (something he doesn’t dare to do in the real world), and because he knows that this is an instructive place to learn things new to him.

  44. mrzeel said

    I am aware this is old…. i just found this site, awesome , hilarious, can we flesh search Sojourner ? got his IP? :D

    • MyLaowai said

      I’ve a good idea how to find this poster, but ‘flesh-searching’ someone is the sort of thing only the locals and their ilk do. Not here.

      Sorry.

    • Sojourner said

      Here’s my address buddy.

      1300 Beaubien Detroit, MI 48226

      And my phone number is,

      (313) 596-2300

      If you wanna hang out, give me a call in advance. I will go fetch Bubba and a .50 Cal from the shop around the corner.

      Okay?

      • mrzeel said

        how funny to post address of Detroit police department and their matching phone number :o
        and i am thrilled that you actually still read this post , i didn’t expect any answers whatsoever
        regardless,

        MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! YOU ARE BACK :-)

  45. adult said

    FingDingle.net sells more adult toy for both men and womanmylaowai.com

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