Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Kung Fu Monkeys At It Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 27, 2011

This is on the front page of the Communist Party mouthpiece ChinaDaily, today:

So that’s how one defends against terrorist threats and enemy air raids, is it? By hitting a piece of mud-brick? What, so Al Qaeda are in the business of lobbing a few lumps of adobe at their enemies now, are they? The much-feared Japan Air-Self Defence Forces are likely to drop a few pounds of gravel on you, is that it? You people are pathetic. That’s just weak.

The worrying part is that Chinese people actually believe that this Kung Fu malarky is some kind of magical, powerful, all-defeating force that truly does enable one to fly through the air and intercept bullets with bits of bamboo stick and all that other childish nonsense one sees in those puerile commie B-films. And yet they somehow still need odds of twenty to one in their favour before they will even consider a fight to be evenly matched.

Back in the days when this cuntry was being run properly (i.e. by the British, Germans, French, Japanese and Americans), the local yokels insisted on staging a fight to prove the superiority of their magical dancing. No, not the Boxer Rebellion, although those idiots also believed that Kung Fu could best Enfield rifles by the power of the mind (Darwinian selection at work, if you ask me). No, it was in Shanghai, and the local hero was some grand master who spent his days on the tops of mountains or whatever it is they do to avoid having to go to work like the rest of us. The hated Laowai was some bloke who had paid attention to the Marquess of Queensbury and knew that dancing around and jumping about like a stick insect on a hot plate didn’t stand up next to a good, solid, thump in the nose. In all fairness, it should be pointed out that he wasn’t a nine-pound weakling who’d been raised on a diet of grass, rice and melamine, and that he could, therefore, allow himself to be hit a few times without collapsing into a soggy heap on the ground. Not that there was ever any likelihood of that happening, of course. The result was fairly predictable, as you would expect: he was stronger, faster, and knew how to actually fight, and it was a three-hit contest – He hit the kung fu wallah, the kung fu wallah hit the ground, and the ambulance hit the hospital. The mighty Laowai went back to work and put in a proper day’s effort afterwards, and when it became necessary a few years later to go to war and fight terrorists and aeroplanes, he used firearms, or ‘thunder sticks’ as the Chinese called them.

Well, Chinese ‘soldiers’, if you insist on your magical flying kung fu as a weapon of modern warfare, then all I can say is you’d best invest in swimming lessons. You’ll need them when you try to visit Taiwan.

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29 Responses to “Kung Fu Monkeys At It Again”

  1. Bill said

    What…. you mean that stuff is not true? It was not through spinning back kicks and kung fu that the Chinese were able to fight off the ten foreign barbarians who inhabited Tibet before their ‘peaceful liberation’?

  2. jorge lin said

    Oh but the crafty Chinaman can indeed fly! It’s a shame more of them don’t practice more often by opening a window and have a go.

  3. [...] rifles by the power of the mind (Darwinian selection at work, if you ask me)” continue here http://mylaowai.com/2011/09/27/kung-fu-monkeys-at-it-again/ Share this:TwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this [...]

  4. [...] Chinese and Kung Fu According to mylaowai.com   no comments Posted at 11:30 pm in China Culture,Cultural oddities Poetic post here from http://www.mylaowai.com The background is that the chinadaily ran photos of Chinese ‘experts’ doing Kung Fu. excerpt: “The worrying part is that Chinese people actually believe that this Kung Fu malarky is some kind of magical, powerful, all-defeating force that truly does enable one to fly through the air and intercept bullets with bits of bamboo stick and all that other childish nonsense one sees in those puerile commie B-films. And yet they somehow still need odds of twenty to one in their favour before they will even consider a fight to be evenly matched. Back in the days when this cuntry was being run properly (i.e. by the British, Germans, French, Japanese and Americans), the local yokels insisted on staging a fight to prove the superiority of their magical dancing. No, not the Boxer Rebellion, although those idiots also believed that Kung Fu could best Enfield rifles by the power of the mind (Darwinian selection at work, if you ask me)” continue here http://mylaowai.com/2011/09/27/kung-fu-monkeys-at-it-again/ [...]

  5. 0112337 said

    Why don’t you pick a fight with one of these guys laowai?

    Don’t just talk, lets see some action.

  6. Long Long Time Been Here said

    Kick ‘em while they are down that’s what I say, there is no shame in enjoying it either.

  7. ZHONGGUO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! said

    fuck foreigner. you dare speak this bad words like this about leader in world such as China?science: china leads with the most of works, economy china soon number 1. military: china have the stealth and bomb for delete USofA and world. culture: oldest in world, superior and the finests. society:all world jealousy to china because so strong and all living the harmony. you in west go down and have problems.without china you starveing, you need china depend on china. system:china lead way in world, show that the systems of our is stronger,smarter and people happy!race:chinese race is most pure stronger and handsome in world and now the space!!!!, strong and smart.we not share our superior gene like you in history.chinese race is made to rules the world.first the asia then destroy white ugly races -you do what we isaying now!!!! the master and world power is china and you follow or lose. or you die! stupid foreigner!

    • justrecently said

      You yeah stupid ZHONGGUOcuz Deng Xiaoping say you must haide your capecity un til to laid.

    • 0112337 said

      This poster is not Chinese, but a foreign fenqing imitator…and a quite bad one at that.

      • justrecently said

        The pster 0112337 that more stupid than ZHONGGUO and think can no who imiatator. He imitate american and a quitebad one at that.and better haide his capecity cuz no capecity.

      • 0112337 said

        You want to talk to me JR? I never said I was American did I? I told y’all I was a citizen of the world that does not believe in nationalism. I believe in global peace through economic development, mutual understanding through dialogue, and cultural integration. Nothing hinders economic growth and general well being more than nationalism.

        I state that I am a Chinese in America, because otherwise I will confuse the poor neanderthals. They have shown significant difficulty in comprehending the fact that an asian can actually understand them, talk like them, and pay tax like them, and in my unfortunate case, even be drafted like them to some nonsensical war. You simply can’t train a camel to think of a horse as another camel. It just doesn’t work, and I gave up a long time ago. But I did like to confuse people though, by breaking all known stereotypes and playing them on those stereotypes. It used to be really fun actually. When I was in high school, I actually convinced one of those superstitious peasants that I grew up on a marijuana farm in Jamaica. Good times.

        In China, on the other hand, the retards take me as an American HNWI, despite my best efforts to prove otherwise, and to teach them that that would mean I am an exploiter of their cheap labor (their slave driver => evil), a mindless dinosaur, retard in management, AND a crass, cheap, superstitious village trader, ALL OF WHICH MEAN VERY BAD THINGS, not only for me, but for them TOO!! But they don’t understand either, and so now I comply and let them worship me. There will always be fools in the world, some get squashed, some get promoted, and some get consummated and they breed. In the great Ray Dalio’s words’ it’s nature, BE THE HYENA, BITE THE WILDEBEEST.

        Anyways, it’s sunday night, I am drunk and depressed from this mess out there in the markets. So your grandfather, moi, have decided to come here for a stroll. Peek-a-boo. Be very scared, VERY VERY SCARED.

        A lot of things have changed now on Wall Street since when I was a kid. There are now more Indians and black people. Back in the 90s, the neighborhood was almost completely white. My brown brothers have finally made it, mastering the art of old money WASPian selfish greed, artificially inflated egos, dinosaurean pea brained aggressivity (are those words?), mindless schmuckism, concealed petty thievery, and the divine art of the almighty bullshit. They have got on the WASP boat, at last, without Jewish help…it seems.

        Pace on the street is also a lot slower now. Back in the 90s, people walked very fast over there, they were focused, stressed, professional, uptight, and there was a lot of vitality. Today, you see jews casually chatting with other jews over cappuccinos in broad daylight. They are not busy making money. Not a good sign.

        I also see more mixed couples, young white people walking hand in hand with black people, latinos, asians, indians…etc. There was even a black and asian couple, their kid is going to come out looking like it got passed over from The Lord of the Rings. New York, it seems, have finally become a melting pot rather than a tossed salad. I guess when the unemployment rate is at 9 percent, and your president is a socialist/keynesian nazi, that unleashed class warfare through using a former business titan, you might as well treat your neighbor well. What could you possibly have, at this point, to be snobbish about, right? Lets all enjoy the communist party together, the state rapes and fucks all. Lets remove all incentive for hard work, party, and roll in rags together !!!! Wouldn’t THAT BE FUN???!!! Mmm…FUN, FUN, FUN!!!!

      • 0112337 said

        And then your grandfather ambled in a gaily manner toward lower Manhattan toward the 根据地 of the Occupy Wall Street movement. He is not impressed by what he saw. Fools of all sizes, colors, shapes, and sexual positions have consummated and united in a park to demonstrate against what I think is really fundamentally, “the infringement of their desire to survive.” Theirs is a mixed lot. I saw demonstrators from all camps. There were white jamaican hippes, Jew-bu, tech geeks, english professors (quite hot actually), Vietnam War veterans, water pipe activists, homeless santa-claus, uncle sams, buddhist monks, UAV predator worshippers, and hardcore hari krishna bong-bong druggies. All were represented and convinced they had a conviction about something. It was a total mess, and like everything else now in this country, nobody has a grandmother fucking clue about what was going on. If they really knew what was preventing them from survival, they would have relocated to Washington D.C. and demonstrated there, either outside the White House, or the Boner’s/Boehner’s residence. But of course, they are fools, and that’s why they are not surviving in the first place. Hence, they were there.

        So moi, your excellency, deigned to speak with a young furry fool that looked of a stout 40 turns of the season with a grizzled mane and gnarly paws that firmly gripped a large cardboard condemning bankers.

        I tried to ask the fool what his problem was, his name, identification, occupation, marriage status, wife and daughter’s ripeness, and lastly and definitely least, his views on why he thinks bankers are bad people. The petty grizzled fool, clearly flattered, then embarked on a long drawn out speech about his grand philosophy, which was basically that everyone no matter rapist, bong-bong druggy, high school dropout-turned foreign human rights activist, banker, accountant, or fool, had a right to live, from a grand, mysterious, universal human spiritual energy that he could explain (yes, the fool got so worked up that he became superstitious). No matter if they worked or not, they should be entitled to having a house, a car, and a dog. 岂有他妈的此理. The fool did have some very nice, innocent looking eyes though. If they grew on his wife or daughter, I will probably fuck them.

        Now, His phrase was vaguely familiar to me. Back in the early 2000s, this same rhetoric used to sound like, “because I have human rights, no matter if I work or not, I am entitled to a house, car, and dog.” And before that, during the 1990s, when America was even stronger and thus cockier, it sounded like, “because I am an AMERICAN, no matter if I work or not, I am entitled to a house, car, and a dog.” How times have changed. Average Americans no longer talk about human rights, but rather survival rights and getting what’s MINE, and the New York Police Department seem to have adopted Chinese methods in handling fervent protestors… Perhaps, the Chinese people should organize a group to protect the human rights of the Occupy Wall Street protestors from the brutality of the New York Police? Or how about the human rights and freedom of expression of Afghani freedom fighters from the oppressive, unsavory influences of Western predatory drones, which clearly caused untold emotional and psychological damage…? They should have the human right to bomb whoever they please.

  8. King Tubby said

    Getting a laught here, esp # 7 who should be given the extended JR indepth interview.

  9. King Tubby said

    “we not share our superior gene like you in history”

    Ho Ho Ho. I will spare you my in the sack adventures in Sinoland.

    Seriously ZHONGGUO, shanzhai or not, I am prepared to offer you a book tour and /or talk show tour in tubbyland on the strenght of #7.

    Expand on the above theme, and I might even even be able to get you featured at a writers festival.

  10. kingtubby1 said

    @0112337 Verbiage, verbiage and more of the bloody stuff, but not much wit.
    And if you keep on with your anti drug stuff, I will make sure you are deported to Albania.

    • justrecently said

      Anyways, it’s sunday night, I am drunk and depressed from this mess out there in the markets. So your grandfather, moi, have decided to come here for a stroll. Peek-a-boo. Be very scared, VERY VERY SCARED.

      No, I’m not scared, 0112337. I feel slightly sorry for you, but not enough to let you waste my time on reading a serialized novel about your life on the battlefield and on Wall Street.

      Didn’t I write on Sunday that I’m not so curious abut what drives 0112337, KT? How prophetic! :-)

      • 0112337 said

        Consider Schoolmaster, the meaning of life. Everyone has roughly 70 (+/- 3) years of life on average, that means 25,550 days, 613,200 hours (or 306,600, if a person only utilizes half of everyday). Of those 306,600 hours, 87,600 hours are spent growing and going to school. That’s 219,000 hours of useful life. During those 219,000 hours some became Einstein, some Hitler, some druggies, and some fool. Some became postmen, living meaningful lives only to themselves, and then some became Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, fundamentally changing the way we see the world and information. Do you think Bill Gates’ life is more meaningful than a postman’s?

        Take the life of the ideal American banker for example, he/she graduated from HYPS (Harvard Yale Princeton Stanford) at age 21-22, studied economics and maybe mathematics, pulled a 3.8 GPA, entered Goldman Sachs’ investment banking department in New York and stayed there as an analyst for two years. Making an aggregate of somewhere around $200,000 dollars during the boom years, and then he/she goes back to school for a JD+MBA, again at HYPS, and finds a job at TPG, KKR, or Blackstone as an associate, making over 300,000 annually. Now he/she is around 28, and in ten years time, this guy/girl becomes a partner at those firms, making tens of millions and pulling in deals worth billions of dollars calling the titans of various industries with ease, as if they were his/her brothers/sisters. He/she is at the top of his/her game, and from that vantage point, the radar of competition is almost blank.

        But then what?

        Sure, he/she can pull some strings and try to start up something on his/her own, he/she could teach, potentially influence politics, but in all honesty, it’s basically over, at age 38. What has this person done with his/her life that is so worthwhile? What has this person done to achieve immortality? What is the meaning in this person’s life?

        Nothing. Like a worm, from where it crawls out, back it goes. Dust to dust, right back into the ground.

        And so again, the question becomes, what is the meaning of life?

  11. jeff said

    I don’t know what the meaning of life is but I wan’t 3 square meals a day.

    maybe its time to play “find the fish!”

    Oooooooowooooooh fishy fishy fish…….Is it in the cupboard?

  12. [...] I can’t remember. But I still remember a China blog that never fails to repulse me: Mylaowai.com. In its newest post, he called the Chinese police officers “monkeys” and implied that their brick-breaking palms [...]

  13. [...] I can’t remember. But I still remember a China blog that never fails to repulse me: Mylaowai.com. In its newest post, he called the Chinese police officers “monkeys” and implied that their brick-breaking palms [...]

  14. [...] I can’t remember. But I still remember a China blog that never fails to repulse me: Mylaowai.com. In its newest post, he called the Chinese police officers “monkeys” and implied that their brick-breaking palms [...]

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