Santa Claus is coming to always in town.

For all of you out there, adults and children alike, waiting for Santa Claus to visit your comfy Chinese homes well, I’m afraid there’s some bad news. Santa was refused a visa this year! It was announced on the China Daily website that “due to continued strong enforcement of the visa regulations during the wind down from the most successful Olympics ever, Mr. Claus and his reindeers were refused visas. Mr. Claus has been under investigation for a long time and is suspected of smuggling goods across international borders in order to avoid paying import duty and VAT to the people of China.” When questioned about how Santa could be expected to pay import duty on goods that he intends to give away free of charge, it was pointed out that “giving goods away free of charge is considered the actions of charitable institutions” and that “Santa Claus is not registered as a Charity in China”.

Other reasons cited were that the Reindeer didn’t have the correct and certified quarantine and vaccination documents from the authorities and were considered a health risk. Rudolph is apparently exempt these procedures because his nose proves that he is of Chinese origins and a strong committed communist party member. It was also pointed out on the website that the great majority of the goods that Mr. Claus transports for distribution are toys and the safety of the public is a concern as there was no paperwork submitted with the visa application that detailed the country of origin of the toys and China was not prepared to reimport the shit it had exported.

However, there’s more to this story and we must not forget that the real Santa is Chinese and is with us everyday. As the roughly translated famous Chinese Christmas song says,

You better watch out
You better not lie
You better not vote
I’m telling you why
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He’s making a list,
Checking it twice;
Gonna find out who’s not getting rice.
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He sees you when you are blogging
And when you’re reading the news
He knows if you’ve been surfing porn
So be good and hide your views

Etc.

Remember, next time you sign a contract to stay in China, there’s no such thing as a Sanity Clause.

I have decided to become a communist. It appears that I will never reach the pinnacle of my ambitions to be financially independent and above the law by taking part in the Capitalist rat-race and working for someone else, so I’ve decided to switch sides and join the real Rats-race. I’m going to use my many years of military experience and join the Peoples Liberation Army so that I too can become one of the privileged elite. That’s the great thing about communism – it’s fkn great if you’re up top, propped up and top dog. I live to serve and be served but don’t try and be like me – Know Your Place, Comrade.

Ok, ok, so I will never be accepted into the ranks of the PLA elite. I fact, It’s unlikely that I’m even fit to wash their dishes in their mess halls due to the fact that I’m ethnically impure and not born to serve the Handy ones.

However, what I can do is “masquerade” as one the “privileged members of the People’s Liberation Army”. Yes that’s right, Privileged! These are the same Privileged Members who are above the law and answer to no one except the other Privileged Members of the PLA. These are the cunts who drive on the wrong side of the road, cut up traffic at will, run red lights, totally ignore all traffic control and police, park where they want and generally act in a Peoples Liberation Privileged Army sort of way and in fact, ‘look at me, I’ve got a white number plate’ sort of way. Not only are they Privileged Members, they also have funny sounding Horns and are not shy about using their Horns in public.

I am going to get myself one of these (see below) – one of the fast and expensive ones – and I’m going to masquerade as one of the Privileged Members. In fact, let’s not call it ‘masquerading’ – let’s call it ‘aspiring to be’…

Traffic police said, “over half of speeding drivers either cover up their plates or use a fake plate, the chances of capturing them is next to nil!”

Speeding drivers in south China are getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers on their licence plates in seconds, state media said.

“More than 50 percent of cars caught on camera for speeding and other offences either cover up their plates or use a fake licence plate,” a traffic policeman in the Guangdong city of Yangjiang was quoted by the Beijing Youth Daily as saying, “our chances of capturing them is next to nil.”

The price of the remote-control device starts at around 800 yuan ($115), while a more advanced apparatus with the ability to flip over the numbers in less than three seconds costs more than double.

“The era of covering up the licence plate by hand has passed,” a driver surnamed Zheng told the newspaper.

“It’s really convenient and economical too,” a salesman who specializes in such devices in the provincial capital of Guangzhou was quoted as saying.

In April, Xinhua news agency reported that China had confiscated thousands of fake military vehicles and number plates in a move to crack down on citizens masquerading as privileged members of the People’s Liberation Army.

In years past, Chinese counterfeiters have used fake military vehicles to ship bootleg cigarettes and other goods, previous reports have said.

– Photo and text from Asianoffbeat

It’s almost over and the end can’t come fast enough. It will be over by the time this has been read and as I type, the USA are just keeping ahead of the Spanish in the final of the men’s Basketball. Notch up on more gold to the USA? Probably, but only just.

The gold medal standings at this time are China 50 and the USA 35. Of the 50 that have been won by China, 25 were won by women and 25 by men. Now that’s what I call equality. Of the 35 gold that the USA won, 14 were won by women and 21 by men, with the men about to add another gold in the basketball. Hmmm – if I had a point to make on that subject, I might, but I won’t!!

I watched bits of the men’s and women’s marathons – both were as boring as every other marathon. When the medal ceremonies were being held and the national anthems played, it was touching to see the athletes clasping their chests – but strangely it was not with both hands as we had been expecting. The air in Beijing was de-polluted as promised. As the countdown to the end of the Olympics approaches, we can hear the car engines warming up and preparing to hit the streets in force. The factory managers are standing by the power gear, waiting to crank those factories back into life as soon as the visitors are gone – and along with the visitors goes the façade that has been China for the last few weeks and very soon we will be back to a welcome normality. Gone will be the demonstration sports of organised flag waving, bussed in crowds and face painting and what we will be left with is an Olympic Hangover and Nationalistic withdrawal symptoms. Where will all that pumped up adrenaline go next?

I miss the Olympics already, like a hole in the proverbial head.– it’s been a welcome distraction for an entire population. However, now we have to get on with life without heroes. How will we survive (?).

London Calling, London Calling. (Only) 4 more years!

PS – To all the Aussies out there. HA fkn HA. We beat you, get over it darlings.