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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

A Proper Breakfast

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 28, 2009

It’s Saturday morning, you’ve gotten up early to get things done, and you’re now at the point where breakfast is on the cards. You don’t normally have time for anything more than a cup of joe and a cigarette, so you’re really looking forward to this.

Let’s start with the bacon, shall we? Four rashers of smoked Danish back bacon, slightly crispy. Mmmmm… Scrambled eggs, with a hint of black pepper, straight from the mill. Toast, naturally, made from fresh wholegrain bread and slathered in real Irish salted butter (not that nasty margarine shite that’s made from plastic).

Then the coffee: a pint of steaming brain juice, made from freshly ground beans imported from Brazil, and laced with a generous splash of dark rum (it makes the cigarette taste even better, trust me).

And what, you might ask, does this have to do with China? Nothing at all, and that is precisely the point.

No tasteless buns filled with rat innards or softened cardboard, no salted duck eggs with rotten pickles, and no watery reheated rice, thank you Mr Wang. And while we’re at it, no bloody muesli either, so all the lesbians and filmstars can go and get knotted.

Just a healthy, nutritious, delicious breakfast.

A proper breakfast.

Posted in Food | 1 Comment »

Quotations From Bastards

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 3, 2007

From the Land That Time Forgot, these quotations…

“China is highly transparent in terms of military policies and security strategy, as reflected in its commitment to no-first-use of nuclear weapons… [but] Transparency will always be relative. The key point is mutual trust.”
- Peng Guangqian

Yeah, except that China has a stated first-use policy and is internationally known for having the least transparent set of military policies and budgets on earth.
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The number of cases involving foreign institutions and individuals conducting illegal surveying and mapping in China has been on the rise in recent years, according to the State Bureau of Surveying and Mapping (SBSM).

In the first six months of this year, local authorities have handled five cases and investigating five others in the Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region, Shanghai Municipality, and Jiangxi and Jiangsu provinces.

SBSM said most of these foreigners came into the country under the disguise of scientists, tourists, expeditionists, and archaeologists.

The results of these foreigners’ surveying and mapping belong to China, and must not be brought and transmitted abroad without official permission by Chinese authorities, according to the law.

Foreigners who have illegally surveyed, collected and published geographical information on China will be severely punished according to law.
- ChinaDaily

These cases involve innocent people entering positional data into their GPS handsets. Hell, it includes me, since I’ve entered waypoints into my GPS-enabled cellphone. Come and get me. .

“Organic farming is not a new thing in Chinese agriculture. We did it thousands of years ago and now we are just going back to the traditions with some modern technologies.”
- Guo Changjun

Yeah. Modern Technology. Like not shitting in the rice paddy and calling it ‘Organic Farming’.
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“China consistently spares no efforts to enforce its IPR legislation with great success acknowledged by the international community… It is regrettable for China to see the United States has chosen to request the establishment of a panel in spite of China’s efforts to settle this dispute through consultations.”
- Chinese WTO Delegation

Except that China rejected consultations under “relevant WTO regulations”.
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一人超生，全村结扎！
If one person has too many babies, the whole village will have their tubes tied!
“一胎环，二胎扎，三胎四胎杀杀杀！”
One pregnancy gets the ring. Two pregnancies gets your tubes tied. The third and fourth, kill kill kill!
- Family Planning Slogans

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“The reality of this country’s economic reforms is that the country, the race, is prospering. This must be extolled. It can only be extolled. There can’t be anyone who makes fun of it. People who do either have ulterior motives or they’re mentally challenged… As a Chinese director … as a Chinese actor, this point of view must be firmly entrenched.”
- Han Sanping, China Film Group Chairman

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An unidentified official with the [Zhejiang] provincial industry and commerce bureau said that a thorough inspection shall be carried out for imported food products.

He also warned people to be cautious of taking foreign nourishment and avoid blind faith in expansive [sic] products.
-ChinaDaily

Yeah. Better to stick to cardboard-filled buns, right?
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If we are serious about protecting Chinese culture, maybe we should begin by preventing our language from being Europeanized.
- Zou Hanru, ChinaDaily ‘opinion’ writer

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Foreign acquisitions of Chinese companies will be subject to stringent new checks intended to protect national economic security under a new law passed Thursday.

“As well as anti-monopoly checks stipulated by this law, foreign mergers with, or acquisitions of, domestic companies or foreign capital investing in domestic companies’ operations in other forms should go through national security checks according to relevant laws and regulations”
- From the new Anti-Monopoly Law

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Foreign investors are urged to pay more attention to environmental protection and energy conservation.

“China will strengthen restrictions on foreign investment in energy-intensive high polluting and low efficiency industries.”
- Vice-Minister of Commerce Wei Jianguo

Yeah, because that’s the exclusive traditional domain of Chinese companies.

Posted in Censorship, ChinaDaily, Environment, Food, Human Rights, Lies & More Damned Lies, Propaganda, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

10 Uses For Cardboard-Filled Baozi

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Baozi (Chinese: 包子; Pinyin: bāozi), a type of steamed, filled bun.

It was recently reported that there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. Then another story that the first story was fake. Blah blah blah. What’s wrong with cardboard baozi, I ask you? There are many uses for them…

1. Tampon Substitute. The cardboard is highly absorbent, and a cardboard-filled baozi is far cheaper than the traditional bran-filled muffin.

2. Close Combat Weapon. As everyone knows, Dwarf-bread is often used as an emergency close combat weapon. Dwarven-bread buns can be cheaply replaced with baozi for non-lethal applications such as peacekeeping, and baozi also make for an inexpensive training round.

3. CCP Official Paperweight. Need something to stop your piles of hongbao blowing away? Use a baozi filled with high-density cardboard. For the man who has taken everything.

4. Sandbag Replacement. Perfect for makeshift dams and dykes, especially when the rivers flood. If only the Three Gorges Dam was so sturdy…

5. Novelty Dogpoo. It looks, smells and tastes just like the real thing!

6. Douchebag. Not an original idea, the Chinese invented the Doushabao 5,000 years ago, during the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng.

7. Campfire Fuel. Have you ever been camping and wanted to light a fire, only to discover that every stick of wood within 1,200Km was cut down decades ago to build a ladder from China to the Moon? Well campers, your troubles are over, thanks to the all new and improved cardboard-filled baozi. These little babies make great fuel for all your campfire needs. Don’t leave home without one!

8. Fashion Accessory. From earrings to handbags, there’s a baozi in your size. Simply open it up, remove the packaging, and voila!

9. Princess Leia Disguise. Any two matching cardboard baozi can be easily adapted into a wig for the balding female Star Wars fan (brasswork bikini sold seperately).

10. Food. If all else fails, you can always eat it. Not only does cardboard contain 317% more nutrition than any other known Chinese cuisine, the industrial chemicals kill 74% of E.coli and other bacteria, making the cardboard-filled baozi actually safer to eat than regular baozi.

Posted in Food | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Cardboard Buns

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Story Of Delicious Chinese Food

As you may have heard, there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. The story hit the big time, then the Party decided to label it a hoax, and arrested the reporter who filmed the story.

Now, I’m not saying the story was true or not. I don’t know, I wasn’t there, and I never eat those horrible Chinese buns if there is anything else to eat (like an old boot, for instance). I will point out that cardboard as food is not a new thing in China, and indeed it was served up to prisoners a few years ago when food was scarce. Further, whilst the story may very well be a hoax, there’s this report from the Beijing TV Life Channel, on the ‘Degree of Transparency’ report:

Although the Beijing “cardboard buns” were proclaimed to be a fake news item, our reporter went out yesterday to the worksite at Number 13 courtyard in Shizikou village, Taiyanggong town, Chaoyang district and found out that the place was on full alert. Neighbors said that the place was occupied by small production outfits that made fake tobacco, fake wine, lousy-quality food and lunch boxes. But since the landlord had good connections at the town government, they always managed to pass inspections.

During the news gathering yesterday, our reporter was assaulted by unidentified persons. When the reporter called the Taiyanggong town government, the official stalled for time while calling the worksite director to warn about snooping reporters.

At the scene yesterday, our reporter observed that there was a high level of security outside number 13 in Shizikou village. There were uniformed security guards as well as unidentified men keeping watch.

When the reporter asked a cleaner where number 13 was located, the cleaner was immediately warned by a man not to talk. When the men found out who the reporter was, one of them came up to push the reporter around while threatening: “If you dare to go in, you better be careful that someone will beat you up.” The reporter called the Taiyanggong town government for assistance. The town deputy party secretary named Huang said that he does not know about what is happening. When the reporter asked the town government to send someone as company, the deputy party secretary said that all their party cadres are in meetings and therefore nobody can be dispatched. He asked the reporter to go by himself. He said that they would inform the village and the reporter can call the police if he feels that his personal safety is at risk.

When the reporter returned to Number 13 courtyard in Shizikou village, a woman told him that the town leader had just telephoned to warn them not to let any reporter in.

Frankly, I long ago stopped trusting anything I heard in this Godawful place, and since Chinese food is about as healthy as eating a dead rat wrapped in a mouldy blanket, I reckon cardboard buns would be better for you. Anyway, an independant experiment was conducted to see whether cardboard could be made to look like pork, and here is the result:

Buns - 1

Buns - 2

In each photo, one half is filled with pork, the other with softened cardboard. Which is which?

Mmmmmm….. Delicious.

(Thanks to Roland for the photo’s and news report)

Posted in Food, Media | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

MyLaowai’s Cooking Class

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

Today we are going to cook 5000-Years-Old, Famous-In-The-World, Delicious and Traditional Chinese Food. The actual, specific name of the recipe is unimportant, as it’s all the same anyway, but if it makes you feel better, we can call it HuoCai.

HuoCai

Ingredients:
- Everything in the cupboard
- Everything in the wetmarket
- Everything else that comes to hand

Method:
1. From amongst your huge pile of mixed ingredients, carefully select all the items you would normally consider quite edible. Place these items into a separate iron ricebowl. Then throw away the iron ricebowl and everything in it.
2. From the remaining items, put to one side the things that you would normally never eat, but which you would consider eating in a true survival situation. Make sure you get everything. When you have isolated all the items from which the human body could possibly extract any nutritional value, throw them away.
3. Take the remaining ingredients (chicken claws, insects, offal, curdled blood, turtle shells, foetuses, etc) and put them in a huge pot.
4. Add a gallon of polluted river water, HuangPu brand if possible.
5. Heat on whatever flame you like, for as long as you can be bothered for.
6. Serve in a cracked ‘Beggars Bowl’ (for luck) with a pair of chopsticks.

Voila! A meal fit for a King of Namibia! You will soon discover that this is very good for your healthy, and will cure your Chi, revitalise your Wang, and give your VitalKidneyFunction a much-needed boost.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

What is Best Food in China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

KFC. Or McDonalds. Pizza Hut if you can stand the wait. A packet of crisps, if you can get the damned packet open. An old boiled boot would do, too, inna pinch.

That’s about it , really.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

The ‘Half-Educated’…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I had an appointment to meet this guy last night. Young guy, intelligent, well-educated. He was a couple of minutes late, and offered his apologies thus:

Him: “Sorry I’m late, I was eating dinner at an Italian restaurant.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Have you eaten Italian before?”

Him: “No, it was the first time. I don’t like it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Him: “Because I am a Chinese, so we shouldn’t like other countries’ food.”

Me: “I understand. I also don’t like Chinese food because I am not Chinese.”

Him: “But Chinese has many foods and is very good food. We have all good foods.”

And on it goes. The problem, you see, is that these people are Educated With Chinese Characteristics. That’s a fancy way of saying that, starting age two, they are told that they and their ‘culture’ are superior to anything else in the world. Other countries are only more developed because of a conspiracy by every other nation to keep China from assuming it’s rightful place as Hegemon of the World. And they really do believe it, deep down in that tiny black heart of theirs. Some people I know go on about how China is getting better – they are wrong. It is getting worse, fast. The level of extreme nationalism is already high, and there are many days I feel like a Jew in 1936 Germany. There’s trouble coming, and it’s being planned at the highest levels. Getting the ‘People’ fired up, resentful, and hating foreigners is only one part of it.

Just remember: Hitler got his Olympics, too.

Posted in Food, Olympics | Tagged: | 4 Comments »