I would like to note, for the record, that it has been six weeks since I last received a death threat. That’s a goodly long while around this place, and it simply isn’t good enough.

Mrs MyLaowai, the delightful inspiration who forever terrifies the living bejeezus out of me, says this is a sign I have become more “culturally sensitive and aware”, and that this is the natural result of my recent “conciliatory efforts”. From this you can see that, despite her reputation, Mrs MyLaowai is a kind and sensitive creature who tries to put everything in the best possible light.

Because what she really means is: I’m slipping.

Come on folks, throw me a bone here! I spend hours crafting award-winning humour for you; I use only the finest genuine imitation meaty goodness in my jokes and witty bons mots; and I never miss a chance for a cheap shot. I do this for the same reason that the Red Cross used to send care parcels to POW’s back during the Last Big One – I do it to keep up the spirits of the thousands of Laowai who are in China. Every time one of these unfortunates cracks a smile, I have done my duty and in some small way helped a fellow human being survive the day. My reward, the finest reward any man can receive without actually meeting the Queen in fact, has been the dozens of death threats I have received from our friends in the Munchkin Community. Such gems as “I am will Be Head you with your ancestors” and “fuk you i wil kil you leave our Glorios CHINA foreighn DEVIL” have me rolling in the aisles, splitting my sides with laughter. That’s my truest reward, and I beseech you, the Little People – keep ‘em coming, please!

Or do I actually have to start trying to offend people now? I’ll do it if I have to, just see if I don’t…

The international community has pledged a total of $9.9 billion dollars in immediate and long-term aid to earthquake-hit Haiti at a UN donor conference, with $5.3 billion dollars worth of support over the next two years, far exceeding the $4 billion dollars requested by the Haitian government to rebuild infrastructure.

“This is the down-payment Haiti needs for wholesale national renewal,” UN chief Ban Ki-moon said in New York.

Here’s how the cookie crumbled:

EU $1.7bn
US $1.15bn
Spain $466m
Canada $390m
World Bank $250m
France $243m
Brazil $172m

China, the nation with the world’s largest cash reserves, has ‘promised’ a mere $1.3 million, less than one cent per person, and that was from the Red Cross of China. Nothing at all from the Party or People. Even Slovakia did better than that. China, be fucking ashamed of yourself.

Cheap, uncaring bastards.

Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Alick Maballsac told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr. Maballsac accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Asheet Mapanz alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Maballsac. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Usuka Macok explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Macok.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that… it’s too much to swallow”.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons for the Chinese, Thai and Australian unions stated that their operations would not be affected, as there were no virgins in their areas anyway.