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Fuat Yalan – Almost Right

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 19, 2013

Fuat Yalan This is Fuat Yalan, a politician who, after seeing a video of Chinese people beating up a poor Uighur boy, made some comments that various weak-minded fucktards have called ‘racist’. Now, I’m of the opinion that when a politician says something he honestly believes to be true, then that should be applauded, particularly when, as is the case here, he is right.

However, whilst Mister Fuat Yalan is generally correct in his sentiments, something that all right-minded humans who have been to China won’t for a moment doubt, he is incorrect in the particulars. Here is his quote:

“I hope that it will be 140 degrees and that all the Chinese will burn, so the world will be free of that Chinese filth.”

And here is what he should have said:

“What China really needs to do is have three weeks of petroleum rain, followed by a decent lightning storm, and have the resulting fire extinguished with napalm.”

Have a nice day. Unless you are in China, in which case you won’t.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Media | Leave a Comment »

What Really Happened…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, June 4, 2013

What Really Happened

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship, China, Democracy, History, Human Rights, Motivational! | 1 Comment »

Love You Long Time, GI

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, that we here at Team MyLaowai receive on a daily basis emails from girls wanting to meet us. Now, on the surface this may seem strange, as none of us really like China very much and very few of us actually want anything to do with Chinese people, and we are fairly clear on this. But the simple fact is that even someone who doesn’t want to know you and who despises your culture with a deep and abiding passion, is a better choice than a Chinese bloke. That’s just a fact. Some of these girls are probably gold-diggers and some are looking to get the magic passport of any other country, but I reckon that the vast majority are probably normal, ordinary girls.

Now then girls, I can’t speak for everyone at Team MyLaowai, but speaking personally I have to say that your chances are not great. To start with, Mrs MyLaowai would not be very impressed if I were to park the Aston at your place overnight, if you get my meaning. In fact, she would probably be tempted to do nasty things involving a pair of secateurs and quite frankly I don’t fancy the thought of spending the remainder of my life in the style of John Bobbit. But because you do still keep writing, and because I can’t get into trouble by reading your emails or looking at your pictures, allow me please to give you a few tips.

1. Don’t send me pictures of yourself eating. I don’t want that horrible thought in my head. I have enough horrible thoughts there already. I know you eat, I know everyone eats, but unlike you I don’t find the thought of constantly eating some disgusting muck very appealing, and you are not turning me on with it. Please stop.

2. I can tell the difference between a face that is clean, and one that has a quarter-inch of makeup plastered over it. You’re not fooling anyone with that. If your face has all kinds of growths and birthmarks and disgusting boils and bad acne, so be it. It’s at least honest to show that, instead of hiding it under builder’s plaster.

3. I am not impressed with your iPhone or Louis Vuitton handbag or whatever other piece of fashionable crap you want to show off. I just really don’t give a shit. If you want to show me something that might impress me, then show me your tits if you have any worth looking at.

4. Please, please don’t tell me you are “God-fearing”. To start with, I don’t live in the Philippines and you do, and that would pose logistics problems if nothing else. Secondly, saying you are God-fearing is like me saying that I am mango-fearing, the only difference being that at least mangos do actually exist. If you want to live in La-La Land with your psychotic and delusional fantasies about a mythical Man in the Sky whom you are afraid of, then please keep it to yourself. I am not interested, because I have a brain.

5. Saying that you are “wait me” doesn’t actually mean anything in English. I do appreciate that English is your second language, but in this wonderful age of MS Office, you can do a spelling and grammar check without twisting yourself into contortions, so bloody well do so.

6. So, you are a ‘Traditional Chinese Woman’, are you? That merely means you take it up the Hershey Highway so you can keep your virginity intact. That’s about it, really.

7. Interested in marriage? Great. I’m not. Marriage is something to flee from at high speed. I don’t want to marry you, or meet your family, or have your relatives anywhere near me. I will not visit them at Spring Festival and I don’t give a flying fuck if they need to go to hospital and are short of money. I’m not interested in making babies with you. These are just some of the things that I don’t want, but you get the point.

8. If I was a single chap, I might possibly be interested in meeting for a drink, and maybe you could even offer to buy me one. If that went well, maybe we could date for a while. If that went well, we might end up living together. And then who knows what the future might hold? But I’m not single, and I don’t play the field. One woman is already more bother than I need in my life, and the trouble caused by women is equal to the square of the number of women in a man’s life.

9. I might have hinted subtly at this previously, but I want to be clear: you really do need to show me your tits. This is the main thing, really.

10. There is no point 10. I was going to write a point 10, but now I am distracted by a picture of a girl with no makeup and decent tits who doesn’t have an iPhone or a LV bag, and who isn’t shovelling gruel into her maw. The picture is of Mrs MyLaowai, and she is the gatekeeper. Basically, if you can get past her, you have a chance. Good luck with that, and keep sending me pictures of your tits. Thank you.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 44 Comments »

An Overdue Rant

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Guest Post

The Year of the Cow passed, but now…

Stampede Prompts Safety Calls
(http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2013-02/28/content_16262453.htm)
1/3/13 By WANG XIAODONG and JIN ZHU ( China Daily)

Redux: at 6am, the school kiddies (at an elementary school) needed to get their shit together for another long, arduous school day. They were locked in. Of course, because the gates are locked every night for their safety. We tell prisoners the same thing too. A handful died in the panic, another handful injured. Good start, shame there weren’t more eh? One-Child Policy enforcers would be happy to see this more often… Maybe then families could have more babies, so that they too could live short-assed lives…

Unfortunately, the d00d in charge forgot to open the door in the morning. Pissed? Whoring? Who knows, but certainly not discharging his duties. Pretty standard in the PRC actually…

Not only did the dumb shits who didn’t wake up cop any shit, but their boss didn’t either. Hey bosses, instead of drinking MaoTai with your peers, how about giving a fuck about your charges? NO. That will NEVER happen. Me first. Friends second. My work? Like, am I supposed to give a fuck? What the?

Now. The real problem. The gate was closed. Ok, a small problem. What was the real cause of the deaths? Chinese dumb-assed bitches want to climb to the top. Elbows. Knees. Push. Shove. Fight. Fuck you! etc. If they weren’t Chinese, they wouldn’t have died.

Forget targeting the politicians or leaders. How about you target your shit-assed culture. Stop shoving your way to the front, regardless of who is in the road. You only have your culture to blame, you buck-teethed, short-dicked morons. Yes yes – I watch you try to cross the road against the red light every day. No, I do not cry, when someone, just like you, RUNS YOU THE FUCK OVER.

“Similar accidents keep happening, exposing the deficiency in infrastructure and management in many schools,” a netizen wrote. No, you dickless wonders. It exposes a massive deficiency in your morals.

Go back and study Confucius a little more. Oh, you did. Ok, now stop repeating his lines and UNDERSTAND what he was saying. Ah, you can’t, you can only mouth the words, not actually do it. Welcome to China. And here is where it gets weird.

They blame the poor old teachers for their omnipresent cultural SHIT. “If teachers fail to maintain order, such accidents will be repeated”. No, you moronic cockroaches. If you Chinese keep failing to give a shit about the person next to you, this shit will happen every day, and does. It’s not the teachers, it’s the students’ dumb-assed mother-fucking parents and relatives who keep shoving themselves in front of anyone they can, that cause the problem.

Simple answer here: Learn some manners you uncivilised barbarian apes. oh shit me – that’s what you think of foreigners. Well, shit me sideways dickwads, is there a stampede in America killing students? No, just some poor-aiming shithead with an automatic weapon thinking it’s a perfectly good masturbatory replacement.

“School authorities should launch routine checks of security facilities, such as stair rails and lights, to eliminate potential hazards,”

HAHAHHAAHA. Yes, we have stairs, Yes, I could walk up and down them – but SO COULD A PEDAPHILIC RAPIST

It gets better – Let’s read on:

“Last year, the Ministry of Education urged all elementary and secondary schools across China to educate students on how to respond in an emergency to better protect themselves.
The schools were asked to map out their safe evacuation routes, taking into consideration the number of students, building layout and corridor width, the ministry said.”
That is all well and good, but did anyone ask them to map out where the fuck to go when their ‘uncle’ was too busy screwing a cheap whore to come and open the goddamn prison gate that keeps them locked in?

1.6 billion people and falling. Can’t fall quick enough for our liking.

- Da Bizzare

Posted in Guest Post | 23 Comments »

Effects of Strict Parenting on Rebellious Teens

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sponsored Post

Disclaimer: The author of this article offered to write it in exchange for being allowed to include links to an outside organisation. MyLaowai has no connection of any kind with the organisation linked to in this article, and does not receive any financial incentives from anyone for publishing this article.

When it comes to parenting everyone seems to have their own opinion on how to raise happy, well-adjusted children; however, there has been a great deal of research regarding the effects that various types of parenting can have on children, especially as they enter their teenage years. While none of these approaches is going to guarantee a particular outcome, there are specific characteristics of authoritarian parenting that can be detrimental to the parent-child bond as well as the behavior of the child.

One type of parenting that is practiced frequently in Asian cultures is authoritative. For example, in China children are typically raised in an authoritarian home and are expected to work hard and follow the rules. Of course, this is in a culture that is completely different from what US children are accustomed to, so the effects on the child can be quite different. Chinese children often excel under this strict discipline and parenting style; however, in the US where more permissive parenting is the norm, overly strict parenting often brings about troubled teens that are rebellious and difficult to control.

Studies have shown that children raised by authoritarian parents are often more rebellious than children raised in more lenient homes. The authoritarian parents often believe that they are the ultimate authority in their home and that the children need to conform to their rules. Unfortunately, not allowing children the ability to make some decisions on their own generally results in poor self-esteem as well as poor performance both academically as well as behaviorally.

Children who are raised in a harsh environment where strict parenting is pervasive often rebel as a way of establishing their own identity. It is natural for children to want to establish themselves as unique individuals, especially as they approach their teenage years. Unfortunately, rigid parenting styles undermine the ability of a child to internalize self-discipline and responsibility. It can also lead to depression and aggressive behavior.

Fortunately, there is a reasonable solution for parents looking to find a parenting style that allows children to learn discipline and accept responsibility without having to break them down and create a negative environment for the entire family. A more permissive, yet functional parenting style is authoritative. This style is often considered the best method by child development experts. The authoritative parent sets boundaries, but listens to their children and creates a loving home environment that can help the child navigate the difficult teenage years.

Raising children is not easy, but understanding how various types of discipline and parenting styles can affect a troubled teen is an important part of parenting. Fortunately, there is always help available for troubled teens and learning how to recognize when need help is an important factor in helping them grow into a responsible adult.

References:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/strict-parenting

http://www.parentingscience.com/chinese-parenting.html

Posted in Guest Post | 18 Comments »

Jackie “I am a Douche” Chan

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, January 12, 2013

A reader writes:
You simply must write a piece on the utter sellout doucheness of Jackie “CCP Sycophant” Chan!!

Jackie Chan, or Chan Kong San as he was named at birth, is the action star of many advertisements for excellent products. Here are a few:
Jackie's Weak Ads
Wow. Imagine being the proud owner of a product (produced using a ‘Renowned Family of Traditional Chinese Herbs’) that “Makes Hair Naturally Dark and Shiny with all its [sic] Strength”. Hey, if Jackie uses that shit, it’s gotta be good, right? I’m sold.

But there’s more to Mister Chan than meets the eye. He is, for instance, a musical star. Of various Canto-pop songs. And Mando-pop, whatever that is. Probably it isn’t what normal people think of as music. But wait, there’s more. He was born in Hong Kong, which was a part of the British Empire until Great Britain gave Hong Kong to Red China (very much against the wishes of the people living there, it must be said). His parents were in fact refugees from China, who had fled to Hong Kong because it was, quite frankly, a better place in every possible way, much as it is today. He didn’t do very well at school, but he did better as a stuntman and as an extra in a few films, most of which were only moderately successful. The films in which he played a starring role were all commercial flops, however. His real breakthrough, his first film to make any money, was a porn-flick entitled All In The Family. At this point, as far as I am concerned, the story should have ended, but he went on to do another porn-flick entitled The Shinjuku Incident, after which he wisely emigrated to Australia. Anyway, one thing led to another and he made a few more films, some of which actually didn’t fail much. He eventually married a citizen of Taiwan, and they had a son. Jackie doesn’t admit to being the father of his other child, who was born out of an affair. I think that’s pretty fucking weak as it happens, but hey, when you are a Big Star, what do you care if you are a douche, right?

But all that is neither here nor there. Jackie Chan is a person who was born in a free country, raised in another free country, married a woman from yet another free country, and made his money selling films to a variety of free countries. However, he sees nothing wrong in selling out the citizens of any number of free countries if he thinks it will benefit him personally. And sell them out he does:
2004, Shanghai: “[the free elections in Taiwan are] the biggest joke in the world.”
2008, Olympic Torch Relay: “Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me.”
2009, BOAO Forum: “…in the 10 years after Hong Kong’s return to Chinese rule, I can gradually see, I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not… If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic… I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”
2010, botched hostage rescue in Manila: “If they killed the guy sooner, [protestors] will say why not negotiate first? If they negotiate first, they ask why not kill the guy sooner?”
2012, Hong Kong: “demonstrators’ rights in Hong Kong should be limited.”

Now, I’m not saying this guy is all bad. He isn’t. He actually does do quite a lot of good, charitable things. But he is still a douche. That’s just a FACT. Not convinced? When he was recently accused of not being a real man, he claimed he had frightened away the Triads with grenades and machine guns, yet when the Police then expressed an interest in speaking to him about this slight breach of the peace, he mumbled that he’d been making up porkies. Sounds like a douche to me, folks.

Anyway, make you own minds up. For my part, he is a feckless, bedwetting fucktard. And his Kung Fu is Weak.
Jackie Chan is Fucked

Posted in Brown Nose Award, Democracy, Human Rights, Media | 8 Comments »

Why? This is Why…

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 3, 2013

China Internet

We have recently concluded a deal that involved receiving bids from prospective suppliers. Of the serious contenders, three were from China and one was located in Japan. We yesterday announced to all parties that the Japanese won the bidding process and have got the deal. This was greeted with whines and anger, with two of the Chinese parties demanding to know why we didn’t pick them. Why? Here, for the hard-of-thinking, are the reasons:

1. When the Japanese come to my office, they have washed and brushed their teeth. I therefore am prepared to listen to them for longer. They are also more polite, or, put another way, they have heard of manners and practise using them. When we eat together, I am not repulsed.

2. The Japanese have never stolen my trade secrets, as have the Chinese. This matters even more than personal hygiene.

3. The Japanese made me privy to their reasoning and were very open and honest with me about absolutely every aspect of the deal. The Chinese were as transparent as a concrete wall and refused to discuss the reasons why their proposals were structured the way they were. Thus, although the Japanese bid was the most expensive, I completely understand why this should be so.

4. I trust the Japanese. Amazingly, I trust the Japanese even though my grandfather fought against them in the Second World War. Seems strange, perhaps, but I just feel that one shouldn’t base one’s entire world-view on something that our ancient ancestors did long before we were even twinkles in the milk-man’s eye. On the other hand, two of the Chinese parties actively tried to bribe their way into the deal, and the other was overheard making disparaging comments about foreigners in China. It seems unlikely that I can trust them.

5. Most of all, however, even more important than all the rest of this, is the fact that the Japanese came back to me with an on-time bid that was comprehensive and answered all the questions. None of the Chinese parties did. Oh sure, they complain now that it isn’t their fault that their email wasn’t working and that they had problems accessing some of the reference documents that were kept in the Google Docs folder, and that their Dropbox was never synched, and that they couldn’t use their VPN’s to access my servers. You know what? I don’t care. I don’t give one single, solitary groat’s worth of shit. For all I care, you can walk East until your head floats. Fuck you, in fact. Fuck you, your mother, your father, your entire fucking family, your neighbours, people who have loaned you money, fuck you all. Your country, your government, and your Party that you are so proud of in front of me, your fucktarded internet controls that you refuse to protest, your oh-so-fucking wonderful Sina and QQ and Weibo and Youku and Baidu and all the rest of your stolen technology, these have done sweet fuck all to help you to compete on the simple, level playing field I set before you. The Japanese, quite frankly, were better than you, their system was better than yours, their country is better than yours, their culture is better than yours, and although their price wasn’t better than yours, I do guarantee that their quality will be better than yours too.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fujimoto. Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu, kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Posted in Censorship, Corruption, Media, Rules of the Road | 21 Comments »

Merry Bloody Christmas. Bah, Humbug.

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas Comrades
Merry Christmas, Comrades. Have you stuck a pine tree up an angel’s arse yet? I for one had to buy new decorations for my tree this year, and the angel got the overhead pass into the fucking canal first chance I got. Well, let’s be honest: there ain’t no angels in this benighted land. As for Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of murderers), I simply dressed up a Chairman Mao statue in a red coat and placed it in the reception area at my sweatshop factory. I figured nobody would notice the difference, just another fat red cunt wasting space that could be better used for just about anything else.

But hey, it is Christmas, the time for goodwill to all men. And even though, by their own reckoning, Chinese are not members of the same species as the rest of us, I wish them well regardless. The way I see it, they need my blessings. Sure as eggs though, the concept of ‘goodwill’ is lost on them. Take the ingrate who cleans my Aston – the lazy mouthbreather didn’t even bother coming into work today. His son did though, to beg me for money for his poor, sick father. He must think I’m fucking made of money. I gave the insolent twat a clip around the ear and some good advice, namely “tell your old man if he wants to be employed on Boxing Day then he’ll be showing his face on the 25th. That is, I am sure you will agree, good advice, and an indication of my exceedingly high level of tolerance in this season of graft and corruption. And I’m sure he will be back, because he actually does seem to enjoy his job.

Anyway, I genuinely do wish a Merry Christmas to those of you who are suffering through another shitty, fucked up season of shite in the Celestial Empire. Hopefully by next Christmas the Japanese will have bombed this lot forward into the Stone Age, and we can get back to the gin & tonics, without all the gobshite from the spotty locals. Just like the good old days. I shall be raising a glass to your health, though to be perfectly honest with you, your health would be better served in a place where the PM2.5 count isn’t always in excess of 450ppm. Why not give the family a phone call, and ruin their entire Christmas by telling them how fucking miserably you are faring, because the heating has been switched off and the air temperature is twenty below and the cunts won’t fix it because they say it isn’t actually broken? And then get pissed, and superglue the neighbour’s front door lock. My kids did that last year – Oh, how we laughed! The little scamps.

Merry Christmas, one and all. My best wishes to each and every one of you.

Merry Christmas 2012

Posted in Festivals et al | 7 Comments »

Sex Trip to China? Forewarned is Forearmed

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guest-Post-Xmas

Hi, single foreign boys and men coming to China. Some simple rules:

1) Yes, you will get lied to. Hourly.

2) Tell them you have no money, house or car. Bye-bye gold-digging whores. So many of them.

3) Tell them you never plan on leaving China. Winnowing the escape artists. So many of them.

4) Survive these, then ask them “And what do your parents think of this?

And if you make it through all of this (down to about 0.001% of available females by now)…

5) 2 out of 3 new AIDS infections in China come from heterosexual sex…

Your brother in legs…

- DaBizzare

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | 9 Comments »

Chicken Soup etc

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2012

I have a day off finally, and I’m cooking chicken soup. Unlike Chinese soups, this isn’t very famous in the world, but it is tasty and warming and probably won’t give me botulism. This isn’t a cookery blog, so I’m not going to give you a tiresome recipe, but for the benefit of my Chinese readership I will give you a few tips:

1. Soups made from scratch take longer than 8 minutes to prepare.
2. Tepid river water isn’t soup.
3. Slimy rubbish found floating in the moat or twigs from the forest floor are not actual ingredients.

I hope this proves useful in your future culinary adventures. Moving on…

Jeff, thank you for your Christmas wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks also for this helpful tip you sent in for our readers (who may wish to try this at home):
Get an absolutely clean and clear plate-glass or perspex and put a small puddle of water from your Nestle drinking fountain on it. Cover it with a dust cover and let it evaporate. Now shine a UV light on the plate-glass or perspex. Now do the same with tap water – a penny for your thoughts if you find something.

0112337 (a.k.a. Mister Fibonacci, a.k.a Annoying Twat), why are you making comments about being stalked by 70-year old gay guys in a park in Beijing? Refer perfectmatchmagazine.com if your memory lets you down. That said, thank you for being the most prolific poster on MyLaowai this year. Also, the most annoying poster on MyLaowai this year. And, possibly, the most entertaining poster on MyLaowai this year. Merry Christmas to you, even though it’s hard to know the season from inside your padded cell.

Da Bizzare, thank you for your various Guest Posts. I apologise for not posting them, and intend to remedy that starting right now (and also Merry Christmas to you):

Guest-Post-Xmas

Are you living in China? How’s your back passage feeling? Open? Stretched? Unlubricated yet well entered?

If not, you haven’t wised up yet. Every major piece of commercial software in this god-forsaken, anally retentive paranoid block of land they call a cunt-tree, even though the tree count is low – compared with the other component – will ream your computer for any viable information that may, or may not, be deemed sensitive by our hypochondriac bow-legged slant-eyed ‘friends’.

You shop on taobao? Oooh, that will probably require – software. I don’t mean the clothes that men wear here, I mean that executable stuff. No, I don’t mean the falling bong, err, failing gang, err, the radicals… I mean the shit that runs on your computer – or what passes as such here in this technologically starved land.

And said software, along with QQ and many many others of locally produced products, all have Chinese government installed green dams. Their mission: to search out new lives, to boldly execute where no-one has executed before (and here I mean the family-sponsored bullet to the head type of execution).

Live long and fester, and although its hard to keep your back passage closed, at least try and keep a spare orifice free. Err, unavailable for other’s use, not “for no charge”. There’s plenty of THOSE sort of free orifices everywhere here…

- Da Bizzare

Posted in Festivals et al, Food, Guest Post | 2 Comments »

 
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