Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

An Overdue Rant

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Guest Post

The Year of the Cow passed, but now…

Stampede Prompts Safety Calls
1/3/13 By WANG XIAODONG and JIN ZHU ( China Daily)

Redux: at 6am, the school kiddies (at an elementary school) needed to get their shit together for another long, arduous school day. They were locked in. Of course, because the gates are locked every night for their safety. We tell prisoners the same thing too. A handful died in the panic, another handful injured. Good start, shame there weren’t more eh? One-Child Policy enforcers would be happy to see this more often… Maybe then families could have more babies, so that they too could live short-assed lives…

Unfortunately, the d00d in charge forgot to open the door in the morning. Pissed? Whoring? Who knows, but certainly not discharging his duties. Pretty standard in the PRC actually…

Not only did the dumb shits who didn’t wake up cop any shit, but their boss didn’t either. Hey bosses, instead of drinking MaoTai with your peers, how about giving a fuck about your charges? NO. That will NEVER happen. Me first. Friends second. My work? Like, am I supposed to give a fuck? What the?

Now. The real problem. The gate was closed. Ok, a small problem. What was the real cause of the deaths? Chinese dumb-assed bitches want to climb to the top. Elbows. Knees. Push. Shove. Fight. Fuck you! etc. If they weren’t Chinese, they wouldn’t have died.

Forget targeting the politicians or leaders. How about you target your shit-assed culture. Stop shoving your way to the front, regardless of who is in the road. You only have your culture to blame, you buck-teethed, short-dicked morons. Yes yes – I watch you try to cross the road against the red light every day. No, I do not cry, when someone, just like you, RUNS YOU THE FUCK OVER.

“Similar accidents keep happening, exposing the deficiency in infrastructure and management in many schools,” a netizen wrote. No, you dickless wonders. It exposes a massive deficiency in your morals.

Go back and study Confucius a little more. Oh, you did. Ok, now stop repeating his lines and UNDERSTAND what he was saying. Ah, you can’t, you can only mouth the words, not actually do it. Welcome to China. And here is where it gets weird.

They blame the poor old teachers for their omnipresent cultural SHIT. “If teachers fail to maintain order, such accidents will be repeated”. No, you moronic cockroaches. If you Chinese keep failing to give a shit about the person next to you, this shit will happen every day, and does. It’s not the teachers, it’s the students’ dumb-assed mother-fucking parents and relatives who keep shoving themselves in front of anyone they can, that cause the problem.

Simple answer here: Learn some manners you uncivilised barbarian apes. oh shit me – that’s what you think of foreigners. Well, shit me sideways dickwads, is there a stampede in America killing students? No, just some poor-aiming shithead with an automatic weapon thinking it’s a perfectly good masturbatory replacement.

“School authorities should launch routine checks of security facilities, such as stair rails and lights, to eliminate potential hazards,”

HAHAHHAAHA. Yes, we have stairs, Yes, I could walk up and down them – but SO COULD A PEDAPHILIC RAPIST

It gets better – Let’s read on:

“Last year, the Ministry of Education urged all elementary and secondary schools across China to educate students on how to respond in an emergency to better protect themselves.
The schools were asked to map out their safe evacuation routes, taking into consideration the number of students, building layout and corridor width, the ministry said.”
That is all well and good, but did anyone ask them to map out where the fuck to go when their ‘uncle’ was too busy screwing a cheap whore to come and open the goddamn prison gate that keeps them locked in?

1.6 billion people and falling. Can’t fall quick enough for our liking.

- Da Bizzare

Posted in Guest Post | 23 Comments »

Effects of Strict Parenting on Rebellious Teens

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sponsored Post

Disclaimer: The author of this article offered to write it in exchange for being allowed to include links to an outside organisation. MyLaowai has no connection of any kind with the organisation linked to in this article, and does not receive any financial incentives from anyone for publishing this article.

When it comes to parenting everyone seems to have their own opinion on how to raise happy, well-adjusted children; however, there has been a great deal of research regarding the effects that various types of parenting can have on children, especially as they enter their teenage years. While none of these approaches is going to guarantee a particular outcome, there are specific characteristics of authoritarian parenting that can be detrimental to the parent-child bond as well as the behavior of the child.

One type of parenting that is practiced frequently in Asian cultures is authoritative. For example, in China children are typically raised in an authoritarian home and are expected to work hard and follow the rules. Of course, this is in a culture that is completely different from what US children are accustomed to, so the effects on the child can be quite different. Chinese children often excel under this strict discipline and parenting style; however, in the US where more permissive parenting is the norm, overly strict parenting often brings about troubled teens that are rebellious and difficult to control.

Studies have shown that children raised by authoritarian parents are often more rebellious than children raised in more lenient homes. The authoritarian parents often believe that they are the ultimate authority in their home and that the children need to conform to their rules. Unfortunately, not allowing children the ability to make some decisions on their own generally results in poor self-esteem as well as poor performance both academically as well as behaviorally.

Children who are raised in a harsh environment where strict parenting is pervasive often rebel as a way of establishing their own identity. It is natural for children to want to establish themselves as unique individuals, especially as they approach their teenage years. Unfortunately, rigid parenting styles undermine the ability of a child to internalize self-discipline and responsibility. It can also lead to depression and aggressive behavior.

Fortunately, there is a reasonable solution for parents looking to find a parenting style that allows children to learn discipline and accept responsibility without having to break them down and create a negative environment for the entire family. A more permissive, yet functional parenting style is authoritative. This style is often considered the best method by child development experts. The authoritative parent sets boundaries, but listens to their children and creates a loving home environment that can help the child navigate the difficult teenage years.

Raising children is not easy, but understanding how various types of discipline and parenting styles can affect a troubled teen is an important part of parenting. Fortunately, there is always help available for troubled teens and learning how to recognize when need help is an important factor in helping them grow into a responsible adult.




Posted in Guest Post | 18 Comments »

Jackie “I am a Douche” Chan

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, January 12, 2013

A reader writes:
You simply must write a piece on the utter sellout doucheness of Jackie “CCP Sycophant” Chan!!

Jackie Chan, or Chan Kong San as he was named at birth, is the action star of many advertisements for excellent products. Here are a few:
Jackie's Weak Ads
Wow. Imagine being the proud owner of a product (produced using a ‘Renowned Family of Traditional Chinese Herbs’) that “Makes Hair Naturally Dark and Shiny with all its [sic] Strength”. Hey, if Jackie uses that shit, it’s gotta be good, right? I’m sold.

But there’s more to Mister Chan than meets the eye. He is, for instance, a musical star. Of various Canto-pop songs. And Mando-pop, whatever that is. Probably it isn’t what normal people think of as music. But wait, there’s more. He was born in Hong Kong, which was a part of the British Empire until Great Britain gave Hong Kong to Red China (very much against the wishes of the people living there, it must be said). His parents were in fact refugees from China, who had fled to Hong Kong because it was, quite frankly, a better place in every possible way, much as it is today. He didn’t do very well at school, but he did better as a stuntman and as an extra in a few films, most of which were only moderately successful. The films in which he played a starring role were all commercial flops, however. His real breakthrough, his first film to make any money, was a porn-flick entitled All In The Family. At this point, as far as I am concerned, the story should have ended, but he went on to do another porn-flick entitled The Shinjuku Incident, after which he wisely emigrated to Australia. Anyway, one thing led to another and he made a few more films, some of which actually didn’t fail much. He eventually married a citizen of Taiwan, and they had a son. Jackie doesn’t admit to being the father of his other child, who was born out of an affair. I think that’s pretty fucking weak as it happens, but hey, when you are a Big Star, what do you care if you are a douche, right?

But all that is neither here nor there. Jackie Chan is a person who was born in a free country, raised in another free country, married a woman from yet another free country, and made his money selling films to a variety of free countries. However, he sees nothing wrong in selling out the citizens of any number of free countries if he thinks it will benefit him personally. And sell them out he does:
2004, Shanghai: “[the free elections in Taiwan are] the biggest joke in the world.”
2008, Olympic Torch Relay: “Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me.”
2009, BOAO Forum: “…in the 10 years after Hong Kong’s return to Chinese rule, I can gradually see, I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not… If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic… I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”
2010, botched hostage rescue in Manila: “If they killed the guy sooner, [protestors] will say why not negotiate first? If they negotiate first, they ask why not kill the guy sooner?”
2012, Hong Kong: “demonstrators’ rights in Hong Kong should be limited.”

Now, I’m not saying this guy is all bad. He isn’t. He actually does do quite a lot of good, charitable things. But he is still a douche. That’s just a FACT. Not convinced? When he was recently accused of not being a real man, he claimed he had frightened away the Triads with grenades and machine guns, yet when the Police then expressed an interest in speaking to him about this slight breach of the peace, he mumbled that he’d been making up porkies. Sounds like a douche to me, folks.

Anyway, make you own minds up. For my part, he is a feckless, bedwetting fucktard. And his Kung Fu is Weak.
Jackie Chan is Fucked

Posted in Brown Nose Award, Democracy, Human Rights, Media | 8 Comments »

Why? This is Why…

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 3, 2013

China Internet

We have recently concluded a deal that involved receiving bids from prospective suppliers. Of the serious contenders, three were from China and one was located in Japan. We yesterday announced to all parties that the Japanese won the bidding process and have got the deal. This was greeted with whines and anger, with two of the Chinese parties demanding to know why we didn’t pick them. Why? Here, for the hard-of-thinking, are the reasons:

1. When the Japanese come to my office, they have washed and brushed their teeth. I therefore am prepared to listen to them for longer. They are also more polite, or, put another way, they have heard of manners and practise using them. When we eat together, I am not repulsed.

2. The Japanese have never stolen my trade secrets, as have the Chinese. This matters even more than personal hygiene.

3. The Japanese made me privy to their reasoning and were very open and honest with me about absolutely every aspect of the deal. The Chinese were as transparent as a concrete wall and refused to discuss the reasons why their proposals were structured the way they were. Thus, although the Japanese bid was the most expensive, I completely understand why this should be so.

4. I trust the Japanese. Amazingly, I trust the Japanese even though my grandfather fought against them in the Second World War. Seems strange, perhaps, but I just feel that one shouldn’t base one’s entire world-view on something that our ancient ancestors did long before we were even twinkles in the milk-man’s eye. On the other hand, two of the Chinese parties actively tried to bribe their way into the deal, and the other was overheard making disparaging comments about foreigners in China. It seems unlikely that I can trust them.

5. Most of all, however, even more important than all the rest of this, is the fact that the Japanese came back to me with an on-time bid that was comprehensive and answered all the questions. None of the Chinese parties did. Oh sure, they complain now that it isn’t their fault that their email wasn’t working and that they had problems accessing some of the reference documents that were kept in the Google Docs folder, and that their Dropbox was never synched, and that they couldn’t use their VPN’s to access my servers. You know what? I don’t care. I don’t give one single, solitary groat’s worth of shit. For all I care, you can walk East until your head floats. Fuck you, in fact. Fuck you, your mother, your father, your entire fucking family, your neighbours, people who have loaned you money, fuck you all. Your country, your government, and your Party that you are so proud of in front of me, your fucktarded internet controls that you refuse to protest, your oh-so-fucking wonderful Sina and QQ and Weibo and Youku and Baidu and all the rest of your stolen technology, these have done sweet fuck all to help you to compete on the simple, level playing field I set before you. The Japanese, quite frankly, were better than you, their system was better than yours, their country is better than yours, their culture is better than yours, and although their price wasn’t better than yours, I do guarantee that their quality will be better than yours too.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fujimoto. Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu, kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Posted in Censorship, Corruption, Media, Rules of the Road | 21 Comments »

Merry Bloody Christmas. Bah, Humbug.

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas Comrades
Merry Christmas, Comrades. Have you stuck a pine tree up an angel’s arse yet? I for one had to buy new decorations for my tree this year, and the angel got the overhead pass into the fucking canal first chance I got. Well, let’s be honest: there ain’t no angels in this benighted land. As for Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of murderers), I simply dressed up a Chairman Mao statue in a red coat and placed it in the reception area at my sweatshop factory. I figured nobody would notice the difference, just another fat red cunt wasting space that could be better used for just about anything else.

But hey, it is Christmas, the time for goodwill to all men. And even though, by their own reckoning, Chinese are not members of the same species as the rest of us, I wish them well regardless. The way I see it, they need my blessings. Sure as eggs though, the concept of ‘goodwill’ is lost on them. Take the ingrate who cleans my Aston – the lazy mouthbreather didn’t even bother coming into work today. His son did though, to beg me for money for his poor, sick father. He must think I’m fucking made of money. I gave the insolent twat a clip around the ear and some good advice, namely “tell your old man if he wants to be employed on Boxing Day then he’ll be showing his face on the 25th. That is, I am sure you will agree, good advice, and an indication of my exceedingly high level of tolerance in this season of graft and corruption. And I’m sure he will be back, because he actually does seem to enjoy his job.

Anyway, I genuinely do wish a Merry Christmas to those of you who are suffering through another shitty, fucked up season of shite in the Celestial Empire. Hopefully by next Christmas the Japanese will have bombed this lot forward into the Stone Age, and we can get back to the gin & tonics, without all the gobshite from the spotty locals. Just like the good old days. I shall be raising a glass to your health, though to be perfectly honest with you, your health would be better served in a place where the PM2.5 count isn’t always in excess of 450ppm. Why not give the family a phone call, and ruin their entire Christmas by telling them how fucking miserably you are faring, because the heating has been switched off and the air temperature is twenty below and the cunts won’t fix it because they say it isn’t actually broken? And then get pissed, and superglue the neighbour’s front door lock. My kids did that last year – Oh, how we laughed! The little scamps.

Merry Christmas, one and all. My best wishes to each and every one of you.

Merry Christmas 2012

Posted in Festivals et al | 7 Comments »

Sex Trip to China? Forewarned is Forearmed

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Hi, single foreign boys and men coming to China. Some simple rules:

1) Yes, you will get lied to. Hourly.

2) Tell them you have no money, house or car. Bye-bye gold-digging whores. So many of them.

3) Tell them you never plan on leaving China. Winnowing the escape artists. So many of them.

4) Survive these, then ask them “And what do your parents think of this?

And if you make it through all of this (down to about 0.001% of available females by now)…

5) 2 out of 3 new AIDS infections in China come from heterosexual sex…

Your brother in legs…

- DaBizzare

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | 9 Comments »

Chicken Soup etc

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2012

I have a day off finally, and I’m cooking chicken soup. Unlike Chinese soups, this isn’t very famous in the world, but it is tasty and warming and probably won’t give me botulism. This isn’t a cookery blog, so I’m not going to give you a tiresome recipe, but for the benefit of my Chinese readership I will give you a few tips:

1. Soups made from scratch take longer than 8 minutes to prepare.
2. Tepid river water isn’t soup.
3. Slimy rubbish found floating in the moat or twigs from the forest floor are not actual ingredients.

I hope this proves useful in your future culinary adventures. Moving on…

Jeff, thank you for your Christmas wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks also for this helpful tip you sent in for our readers (who may wish to try this at home):
Get an absolutely clean and clear plate-glass or perspex and put a small puddle of water from your Nestle drinking fountain on it. Cover it with a dust cover and let it evaporate. Now shine a UV light on the plate-glass or perspex. Now do the same with tap water – a penny for your thoughts if you find something.

0112337 (a.k.a. Mister Fibonacci, a.k.a Annoying Twat), why are you making comments about being stalked by 70-year old gay guys in a park in Beijing? Refer perfectmatchmagazine.com if your memory lets you down. That said, thank you for being the most prolific poster on MyLaowai this year. Also, the most annoying poster on MyLaowai this year. And, possibly, the most entertaining poster on MyLaowai this year. Merry Christmas to you, even though it’s hard to know the season from inside your padded cell.

Da Bizzare, thank you for your various Guest Posts. I apologise for not posting them, and intend to remedy that starting right now (and also Merry Christmas to you):


Are you living in China? How’s your back passage feeling? Open? Stretched? Unlubricated yet well entered?

If not, you haven’t wised up yet. Every major piece of commercial software in this god-forsaken, anally retentive paranoid block of land they call a cunt-tree, even though the tree count is low – compared with the other component – will ream your computer for any viable information that may, or may not, be deemed sensitive by our hypochondriac bow-legged slant-eyed ‘friends’.

You shop on taobao? Oooh, that will probably require – software. I don’t mean the clothes that men wear here, I mean that executable stuff. No, I don’t mean the falling bong, err, failing gang, err, the radicals… I mean the shit that runs on your computer – or what passes as such here in this technologically starved land.

And said software, along with QQ and many many others of locally produced products, all have Chinese government installed green dams. Their mission: to search out new lives, to boldly execute where no-one has executed before (and here I mean the family-sponsored bullet to the head type of execution).

Live long and fester, and although its hard to keep your back passage closed, at least try and keep a spare orifice free. Err, unavailable for other’s use, not “for no charge”. There’s plenty of THOSE sort of free orifices everywhere here…

- Da Bizzare

Posted in Festivals et al, Food, Guest Post | 2 Comments »

Pain Threshold

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, November 4, 2012

If you’ve ever been to China, you’ll know that Chinese people are unreasonably, unfeasibly, incredibly loud. If you’ve not been to China, go now to the window and stick your head out – you can probably still hear them conducting their private, discreet conversations. Chinese people don’t need mobile phones: they simply speak at a normal level to people in the next village.

To get an idea of how loud they are, and to put that in perspective, it is first useful to understand a bit about sound. Sound is measured in decibels. It’s a bit complicated, but if you’re interested:
Sound is usually measured with microphones and they respond (approximately) proportionally to the sound pressure, p. Now the power in a sound wave, all else equal, goes as the square of the pressure. (Similarly, electrical power in a resistor goes as the square of the voltage.) The log of the square of x is just 2 log x, so this introduces a factor of 2 when we convert to decibels for pressures. The difference in sound pressure level between two sounds with p1 and p2 is therefore:
20 log (p2/p1) dB = 10 log (p22/p12) dB = 10 log (P2/P1) dB where again the log is to base 10
We said above that the decibel is a ratio. So, when it is used to give the sound level for a single sound rather than a ratio, a reference level must be chosen. For sound pressure level, the reference level (for air) is usually chosen as 20 micropascals (20 μPa), or 0.02 mPa. (This is very low: it is 2 ten billionths of an atmosphere. Nevertheless, this is about the limit of sensitivity of the human ear, in its most sensitive range of frequency.

If you’re interested, go here.

The loudest sound possible on Earth, for reasons only slightly less complicated, is 194dB, but given that your hearing tissue actually dies at 180dB, that’s meaningless. Hard-core rock concerts usually blaze away at around 140-150dB, but the speakers are far enough away from the crowd that they are usually only deafened temporarily. A more common reference point would be, say a pnuematic jackhammer at fifteen metres or factory machinery at less than a metre, and that’s around 90-95dB. The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) reckons that more than half an hour of that a day will be bad for you. Seriously bad, in fact. The European Union says that traffic noise alone “causes sleep disturbance, hearing damage, even cardiovascular disease; and hinders performance at work and children’s learning. Studies have revealed that fifty thousand deaths and approaching a quarter of a million cases of cardiovascular disease every year in Europe are linked to traffic noise. For the first time, noise has also been linked to an increased stroke risk”. And that’s in Europe, where cars are about to be limited to 68dB.

In China, birds simply fall dead out of the sky from the noise of Chinese people talking.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a screen shot from a noise meter, taken at a quiet(!) restaurant, where the peak is from a guy across the room. Note that he was no longer on the phone when I whipped out the meter, thus the level is considerably reduced – this is just him talking discreetly to his friend at the same table.

But don’t take my word for it, you can conduct a simple experiment yourself. I did so myself several times, and always with predictable effect:

1. Find yourself a quiet environment, your living room perhaps. Stock it with two Chinese persons, yourself, a mate who has been briefed, and a noise meter. Sit the Chinese next to one another, whilst you and your friend sit as far away from them as possible (which is good advice in any case).

2. At some point, usually instantly, the Chinese will start jibber-jabbering to one another in ewok-hua (the local language). Give them sufficient time to forget the existance of you and your friend. Three seconds should be ample.

3. You and your friend now begin having a quiet conversation, at a level at least 20dB below that at which the Chinese are discussing money or food. Instantly, they will raise their voices to be 25-30dB above you.

4. Raise the level of your conversation by 10dB. At once, note how the Chinese raise their level by 15dB.

5. Repeat step 4. You can keep this up all evening, but in fairness I must point out that in a short span of time your ears will begin to bleed and any crockery is likely to develop cracks. They will remain oblivious to you, and even if you cease your conversation, they will continue on at the same level indefinitely. The only thing that is likely to disturb them is the tiny rustle of paper money.

Forget about little old wizzened blokes in orange robes sitting on the tops of mountains in silent contemplation; these people would be causing avalanches. The walls of Jericho wouldn’t have lasted ten seconds with a couple of Chinese in the general vicinity. If God himself farted after a particularly decent curry, he wouldn’t even be heard in China.

Fuck they are loud.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Environment | 27 Comments »

And another bloody thing…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 15, 2012

I’m listening to the sound of air-raid sirens. China is conducting nationwide air-raid drills today. Why a country that purports to be peaceful and not interested in war should feel the need to conduct air-raid drills is a bit of a mystery, but I leave you to draw your own conclusions on that subject.

On a subject that may be related, I received the following email from a friend who works at a large company in China. He would prefer to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons. The email was sent to him by the Party Office in his company.

I can’t be bothered to translate it all, but Google translate is close enough to get the point across:

All employees:

The Japanese government, regardless of China’s repeated solemn representations, has announced the “purchase” of the Diaoyu Islands, the implementation of the so-called “nationalization”, and signed today with the so-called “land owners” a purchase contract for the Senkaku islands “(i.e. Chinese Diaoyu Islands). This is a serious infringement of China’s territorial sovereignty, and the serious injury of the 1.3 billion Chinese people’s feelings is a serious violation of the historical facts and international jurisprudence. The Chinese government and people expressed resolute opposition and strong protests.

The solemn statement of the Chinese government, is that the Japanese government’s so-called “purchase of islands” is completely illegal, invalid, does not change the historical fact of the Japanese occupation of Chinese territory, and does not change China’s territorial sovereignty of the Diaoyu Islands. The Chinese government will not sit back and watch it’s territorial sovereignty to be violated. China strongly urges the Japanese side to immediately stop all acts to undermine China’s territorial sovereignty. If the Japanese side insists, all the serious consequences resulting therefrom can only be borne by the Japanese side and Japan’s “purchase of islands” behaviour, and China will implement a series of counter-measures.


All the company party members and cadres should effectively improve their sense of responsibility, to take up the responsibility of the maintenance of stability work, should take the lead to stick to their own posts, guide the masses of workers rational expression of patriotic fervour in accordance with the law, to unite and move forward together. To work together with all Chinese united, will move forward together, patriotic passion into power in action, take concrete actions to promote the cause [...], to promote the harmonious development of the motherland prosperous and strong!

- Party Committee Office

And the air-raid sirens continue…

Posted in History, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 11 Comments »


Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 15, 2012

What the fuck is it with little towels, Chinese people? Why do you all seem to have this irresistible urge to carry small towels, often tied around your wrists? It’s a mystery to me, it really is. A friend suggested that little towels were a reflection of the dick sizes of the people who have them, but he can’t be right, because then we’d be talking about what is generally referred to as ‘lint’. Another friend suggested that you Chinese needed them to wipe the sweat from your brow, but that can’t be it either, as no one has ever observed any of you working hard enough to break into a sweat. And we know you don’t use them as handkerchiefs, because if you don’t clear your noses with a snort onto the street, then you excavate the contents of your skull with your fingers (is this what you mean by ‘brain drain’?) So what is it? I really, really would like to know.

And while we’re on the subject of things I’d like to know, why is it you are never without little plastic bags of food? Well, I use the word ‘food’, but this is really stretching the definition of the word to it’s fullest possible extent. At any rate, for the sake of moving the discussion forwards and all the rest of that corporate bullshit, let us assume on this occasion that the stuff you are forever putting into your gaping maws is food, and then you can address the larger issue of why? Why? WHY? It cannot be that you are hungry, can it? Do you really need to always be carrying this stuff around in little plastic bags in case you are faced with a natural disaster or emergency, like not having eaten for forty minutes, for example? Mrs MyLaowai will start eating snacks even as the pizza delivery guy is knocking on the door, and when questioned, will state that she is starving. Starving? When the pizza delivery guy is knocking at the door? Seriously? She can’t wait fifteen seconds longer (and bear in mind, it’s been a less than a quarter of an hour since she last ate)? I’ve seen Chinese people cry when forced to delay a lunch break for fifteen minutes, and quite frankly, that’s worse than pathetic. What is with you lot and food?

Timekeeping, that’s another little point I should like clarification on. More precisely, your complete and utter lack of any ability to keep time. Hey, I know the Spanish are very consistently late to the point of tomorrow, and the Italians to the point of never, but they are aware of this and consider it a great freedom (yet remain puzzled as to why their economies are in the toilet, but that’s another subject altogether). I am also (painfully) aware of the German obsession with being precisely on time to the nanosecond, even when all they will do when they arrive is scratch their balls and be unhelpful, but again this is something of which they are aware. You Chinese are just not aware of time at all. Watches are just expensive jewellery for you, aren’t they? Even your horrible, grating language seems to have no tenses – everything is always “now”, without any conception of what happened before or what will happen next. I have never – never – had a Chinese arrive on time for anything. Hell, most times you people don’t even arrive at the right place, let alone the right time. I have a theory about this, that you are unaware of a thing we Laowai refer to as ‘consequences’. Consequences means that if you do something, something else might happen. A good example would be balancing my expensive crockery and crystal in a precarious pile (after failing to wash it properly), and then being surprised at the expensive-sounding noise coming from the kitchen twenty minutes later, and being further surprised – staggered, even – at the mess you see the next time you walk past the kitchen, and even later expressing shock at the cuts that have magically appeared on the feet of the next person to walk into the kitchen. This is consequences, and you clearly have not the faintest concept of them. Could this be the source of your magical power to find time incomprehensible? COULD IT?

I won’t, for now, do more than touch on the subject of sleeping, and your need to sleep for every second of the day you are not putting food into your traps. Nor will I devote much time enquiring into the mystery of your aversion to soap or water or toothbrushes. And I really haven’t the heart to start a discussion on why you’ll spend ten times longer telling me all the reasons why something can’t be done than it takes to just do the fucking thing in the first place.

But why, really why, are you just so fucking inept at everything you do?
Moving in straight lines, for instance…

Posted in China | 41 Comments »


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