Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

The Jumping of the Shark

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, September 19, 2008

The Jumping of the Shark

(An Agony in Five Thousand Bits)

One, two! One, two! And through and through,
Their eating sticks go clicky clack!
They eat it dead, they eat it live,
Any time’s a good time to snack.

“Five Thousand Years!” the taxi driver cried,
As he examined his mole with care;
So proud was he that the obnoxious spot
sprouted luxurious lengths of hair.

“Five Thousand Years!” they say it twice:
That alone should warn those new.
“Five Thousand Years!” and now it’s thrice:
A lie three times must be true.

The crew is complete: it includes a Wang –
no one is sure what he does.
A Liu and a Zhang and a Wen and a Hu,
A collection of murdering thugs.

They are famous of course for everything good:
The grander the greater the fib.
If it’s real they made it and taught it to us,
They believe that they honestly did!

From paper and powder to compass and wheel,
From money to iron to glass.
They invented it all, or so they believe,
They even made mountains and grass!

They discover’d the Poles, and Europe as well,
Just ask Gavin Menzies for proof!
You’ll find him at the bank with his mountains of kuai,
Counting his ill-gotten loot.

And what maps they have made! O! Wondrous designs!
With the North clearly marked to be ‘East’.
They list all their neighbours and people they know,
In the Dragon’s Imperial Reach.

Yet long, long ago – well before Fonzie’s show,
When they first ate a dog for it’s bark,
‘Twas plain to us all, those near and those far,
That these buggers had well jumped the shark.

Five thousand they say? Why the pride, why not shame?
Five thousand but developing still?
They call all this ‘culture’? I laugh at their lies when their milk
Gives small babies kidneystone pills.

Five thousand? Give it up! It past time they did,
Five thousand? They haven’t done much.
Peaceful for ever and honest and brave?
Tell that to Tibetans and such.

Yea, if it were a show on TeeVee today,
(There’s nothing to see worth a damn – what a lark!)
It’s a show that we’d simply switch off don’t you see?
They long ago jumped that ole’ shark.

One, two! One, two! And through and through,
Their eating sticks go clicky clack!
They eat it dead, they eat it live,
Any time’s a good time to snack.

2 Responses to “The Jumping of the Shark”

  1. justrecently said

    You’d never know it
    But buddy I’m a kind of poet
    And I’ve got a lot of things to say

    (Footnote: the barman is a much better actor than Dean Martin, but that’s not targeted at your blog.)

  2. MyLaowai said

    Justrecently, you are full of surprises.

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