Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for October, 2009


Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 30, 2009

Dear Chinese People,

Would it fucking kill you to maybe just smile once in a blue moon?

Granted, being Chinese you probably don’t have a hell of a lot to smile about, but there are plenty of other people in the world who have faced adversity, and still manage a grin from time to time.

Take Cambodians, for example: their entire country was at the mercy of the Beijing-backed Khmer Rouge for several years, during which time half the population were brutally tortured and murdered. Yet Cambodians smile all the time. The Vietnamese, too: their country was invaded by China as a reprisal for the Vietnamese getting rid of Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge. Over one hundred thousand civilians were killed in just a month, and the scorched earth policy of the Red Army had lasting effects, yet today one often sees Vietnamese people with smiles on their faces. Even the Japanese manage to smile from time to time, despite being treated so badly by their younger brothers here in China. The Japanese did everything they could to help China develop a proper civilisation, even going so far as to arrest and punish all the serious criminals in Nanjing, but did the Chinese ever thank them? No, quite the opposite. And yet, the Japanese still smile. That takes real honour.

So, Chinese People, stop looking like you’ve been sucking on a lemon. Put a smile on your dial and turn that frown upside down.

It won’t actually kill you. Probably.

091030 smile

Posted in China | 17 Comments »

A Friendly Reminder From The Weather Ministry

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, October 18, 2009

Laowai, please note:

In case you missed it, October 1st has been and gone. It is now, therefore, cold. You should wrap warmly in no less than three layers every time you go out, and even when you are staying in. Protect your neck from cool winds, and remember your hat. If you don’t have a hat, then a plastic bag will do just fine. Drink plenty of hot water and avoid cold drinks such as beer.

It has come to our attention that some laowai are still wearing T-shirt’s and shorts, on the grounds that the temperature is the same as it was on September 30th – please be advised that a harmonious nation feels cold when the Party says it is cold. Your defiant behaviours and splittist attitudes are being noted.

You have been warned.

Posted in Rules of the Road | 9 Comments »

A Literary Lunch with Gavin Menzies

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 9, 2009


Fruity Whackjob Gavin Menzies:
The Chinese Contribution to Global History

Friday, October 16, 12.30pm


RMB 188, includes rotting tofu for lunch


Enjoy a delicious three-course lunch of rotting tofu as
bestselling author Gavin Menzies, author of 1421 and 1434,
paints a portrait of the Chinese contribution to
global history in the 15th century,
“a historical detective story,”
according to the People’s Daily News
Menzies will share his research on how admiral
Zheng He set sail for the new world before
the European age of discovery
(1421: The Year China Discovered the World)
and his latest book,
1434: The Year a Magnificent Chinese Fleet Sailed to
Italy and Ignited the Renaissance

that traces the roots of the European Renaissance to China.

Book signing will follow.

About the Author:

Author Gavin Menzies was born in England and lived in China for two years before the Second World War. He loved China so much that he joined the Royal Navy in 1953 and spied on his mates in submarines from 1959 to 1970. Since being kicked out of the Royal Navy for incompetence, he has returned to China to be paid many times, and in the course of his research, he has become despised in 120 countries and banned from more than 900 museums, libraries, and major seaports of the late Middle Ages.

Upcoming Literary Events

Alternative Literary Cultures in Australia

Saturday, October 31, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water


Martin Jacques – When China Rules the World:
The Rise of the Middle Kingdom
and the End of the Western World

Wednesday, November 4, 6pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water


Colm Toibin – Brooklyn

Sunday, November 8, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of weak piss

Posted in Brown Nose Award, China, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 24 Comments »

My Wet Pussy And Other Tidbits

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 8, 2009

All has been harmonious in the Celestial Kingdom this week. The ardent nationalism and military displays have shown the world that China is interested in a ‘peaceful rise’, and the citizens of this fine empire have not had their joy disturbed by anything so mundane and unimportant as news of tsunamis or earthquakes or typhoons in other parts of the world. Obviously, part of the reason for this is that there are no other parts of the world, except of course for ‘Foreign Barbarian Land’.

The MyLaowai surveying and statistics bureau carried out an interesting study back on October 1st: We here at MLHQ asked a selected group of Laowai’s to carry out a survey for us. We did not tell them what or who the survey was for. There were two questions in the survey, which they were to ask of all the Chinese people they knew:

1. What are you doing this evening?
This question was asked during the morning. Of the several hundred responses, all but two replied that they would be at home watching the military parade on television with their families. Of the remaining two, one was on a train to her hometown and was disappointed to be missing the parade, whilst the other was on a pilgrimage to Beijing to watch the parade in person.

2. Did you enjoy the parade?
One hundred percent of those questioned enjoyed the parade mightily, although the respondent who had made the pilgrimage to Beijing was saddened to learn that no member of the public was permitted to watch the spectacle in person. Many went on to express further thoughts on the subject. The two comments that sum it up best were:
I only like the part of the Army
This show is amazing. China is more stronger and great

As a result of the worrying demonstration of Chinese military intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:

The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Will Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Finally, MyLaowai has authorised the awarding of a Wet Pussy to these traitorous scum, for services rendered to the Chinese Communist Party:

Really Wet Pussies. We hope they die of cancer.

Posted in China, Festivals et al, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 9 Comments »

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 1, 2009

I’m constantly being reminded that China is the most ancient country in the world. It’s something that people are obliged to mention at least once every time they meet a foreigner. “Yes, I do like the new BMW 6 series convertible, did you know that cars were invented in China, the oldest country in the world?” is a fairly normal example. Personally, I wouldn’t be too quick to admit to coming from the country that has been developing longest for the least net gain, but that’s just a personal bias. ‘Five Thousand Years and Still Developing’ might be a catchy slogan, but it isn’t one that I’d want greeting tourists as they stepped off the plane in my country.

Now, about China being the oldest country in the world… that isn’t exactly true, but Ill concede that there is a history in this region that goes back a long way, almost as far as some European countries, in fact. Let us examine a few details together:

China, better known as Red China, formally known as the People’s Republic of China (and known by everyone who has ever visited as the People’s Republic of Cheats), was founded October 1st, 1949, after the legally elected government was overthrown by communist rebels. How old is China? Sixty. That’s younger than my father, and come to think of it, he’s in better condition mentally and physically too (though he has no plans to be World Hegemon that I am aware of).

To be fair though, when Chinese talk about how old China is, they are not referring to the PRC. They are talking about their culture. Fair enough, that’s reasonable, even if we are to overlook the fact that there is more culture in a pot of yoghurt. So, how old is the culture? And what is this ‘China’ that the Han are so keen on?

China: A History Lesson.

The first thing you need to understand is that the Chinese don’t know how to measure time properly. Really, I’m not being facetious, they really have no idea of dates and stuff. To them, all the entire history of the universe is measured in terms of Dynasties. Everything from the Big Bang on is subject to rule by a Chinese Dynasty. Sounds crazy, I know, but that’s just the way it is for these people. Unfortunately, the truth is that most of these ‘Dynasties’ did not actually exist in the sense of actual historical fact. Take this one for instance:

Xia Dynasty (ca. 2,070 BC to 1,600 BC)
This was the first ‘Official’ Dynasty, if we look past the even more dubious Dynasties of Homo Erectus et al. Most serious scholars doubt it’s existence, though most will concede that primitive people were scratching a living out of the mud and grass at the time. They probably used fire, and this is why the Chinese claim to have been the inventors of Fire. Hey, you know what? That’s a good enough story that I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt – China has certainly existed since 2,070 BC. Let’s have a look at a map of contemporary China, shall we:

Xia Dynasty 2,070 BC – 1,600 BC

The first actually proven Dynasty, as indicated by actual evidence, was the Shang (1,600 BC to 1,046 BC). However, what is referred to by the Chinese as being a ‘Dynasty’, was really little more than a collection of villages, without much in the way of a unifying power structure. It was, by any meaningful yardstick, no different to Neolithic Europe. The various tribes did apparently possess conceptual art, and scratched pictures of stick figures in shells – the Chinese today claim that this proves that Chinese invented language, but this was no more a language than are chickens scratching their claws in the dust.

The Shang was followed by the Zhou. This was a real Dynasty, or ‘nation’ as we would say. It ran from 1,045 BC to 221 BC. This means that the Zhou got started around the same time as the Iron Age was rolling out product in Europe, the Phoenician and Tamil civilisations were using advanced systems of writing, and the Assyrians (amongst others) were getting started on the Empire Building game. The Zhou were a motley collection of military states that relied heavily on technology such as the chariot (imported from the more advanced Central Asian states) and heavy state control. Some have claimed that the Zhou understood iron-working, and this may even be true, but it was a bronze-age culture. Let’s take a look at the Zhou, shall we?

Zhou Dynasty 1,045 BC – 221 BC

It is incorrect to think of the Zhou as one happy nation, as there were in fact many small nations, each fighting tooth and nail for power over the others. This was a kind of Dark Ages, but the Chinese like names that sound lovely, so they call this the ‘Spring and Autumn Period‘. It was followed by the ‘Warring States Period‘, which was more of the same, but worse. In all, the Dark Ages lasted from the 8th century BC to 214 BC, when China’s first real Chairman seized power. His name was Qin Shi Huangdi, he was a raving homosexual who took to wearing women’s clothes around the palace, and the state he founded is regarded as the model for the first truly Chinese state. Here’s what it looked like:

Qin Dynasty 214 BC – 206 BC

The Qin Dynasty was short-lived, but it set the management style for all future generations of people to be ruled by China. That style consisted of brutal oppression of the masses, rigid control of the people by the state, and absolute power of the Chairman. Everyone was to speak the same, think the same, and act the same. Oh yes, Mister Qin had a very pronounced impact indeed! In the 20th Century, Dictator Mao Zedong was known to have studied Qin Shi Huangdi very closely, and styled his new People’s Republic closely along the lines of the Qin Dynasty. Mao even went as far as practising man-love too. Who says history never repeats?

The Han came next, lasting from 202 BC to 220 AD. The Han are the ethnic group that today exercises total control over all territory garrisoned by the Red Army, including Tibet, East Turkestan and even parts of Mongolia. At the time, however, they were far smaller, as can be seen here:

Han Dynasty 202 BC – 220 AD
The First Chinese Dynasty

The Han Dynasty grew by granting neighbouring states the ‘status’ of Autonomous Regions, which over time came to be absorbed by the Han via forced immigration. Despite this, in actual warfare the Han lost at least as many battles as they won, and frequently signed Treaties with their enemies as a means of avoiding being carved up in return. No such Treaties were ever meant to be honoured, of course. Nevertheless, however you look at it, the Han were successful in consolidating Chinese power, and were in fact the first properly Chinese Dynasty. China is therefore definitively 2,211 years old, at least in terms of culture.

After the Han Dynasty fell over, lots of people took turns at running the place, including Tibetans, Turks, Mongolians, and other groups who are today referred to as ‘minorities’, but it wasn’t until the Tang Dynasty raised it’s head that ‘China’ got put back together again. The Tang (618 AD to 907 AD) were arguably the only Chinese Dynasty who were even vaguely enlightened, making Buddhism the State Religion and encouraging trade with the nations to the west. The Tang benefited greatly from the import of technology and ideas from Europe and the Middle East and represent the high water mark of Chinese culture. They also managed to successfully invade a number of regions to the west. Here’s how things looked at their peak:

Tang Dynasty 618 AD – 907 AD

Following the Tang, the region fell back into the Dark Ages, but things looked up with the advent of the Song Dynasty. The Song were not Han Chinese, although the Han today claim otherwise. It was during the Song that the so-called Great Inventions took place. The Song were defeated comprehensively by the Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan, and nearly all of East Asia became part of the Mongolian Empire. The Chinese today claim that Genghis Khan was Chinese, and thus that China during the so-called ‘Yuan Dynasty’ extended as far as Europe, but of course that is nonsense. After the Yuan Dynasty collapsed (the Mongols never really were much good at administration), large parts of their territory were administered by the Ming Dynasty. The Ming were Han, the men wore dresses and nail varnish, and they inherited a large chunk of land from their former overlords:

Ming Dynasty 1368 AD – 1644 AD

During the Ming, there was constant war with the neighbours, and large empires such as that of Tibet frequently sent them packing. Despite this, the Ming were a strong state, and consolidated their power over ‘minorities’ by forced military colonisation and a huge secret police force that killed hundreds of thousands of people. The Ming invented the philosophical concept of ‘sinification‘ of other ethnic groups by these, and other means.

The Ming were replaced by the Qing who, being Manchu, were as Chinese as the Song and Yuan had been. Despite this, the Chinese today claim that the Qing was also Chinese.

The next, and most recent, Chinese Dynasty was the Chinese Communist Dynasty (1949 AD to present), founded when the legally elected Government was overthrown by Communist rebels. Their leader, Mao Zedong, has gone down as the most brutal dictator in human history, being responsible for more deaths than Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin combined. The brutality of his reign is largely overlooked by Han Chinese today, as he possessed the virtue of hating foreigners even more than he hated his own people. During the Communist Dynasty, China has more than doubled in size, by invading and annexing many of it’s neighbours. Quite an accomplishment, and one which the Han people are keen to continue with in the future, if the feeling on the streets is anything to go by. They are celebrating their 60th birthday today. Many of the men have also taken to mincing about in the streets again. There’s a definite pattern there.

China, sixty years old and going on five thousand, happy birthday. Here’s your Falling Cow:

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow
Year of the Falling Cow

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Falling Cow Zone, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 74 Comments »