Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for August, 2009

Behold the Soggy Box!

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, August 29, 2009

There are some people who, were this the post-WWII period, would no doubt be busy explaining themselves to UNWCC (the United Nations War Crimes Commission). I refer, of course, to those people who have gone over to the Yellow Side of the Force, and who have gone out of their way to provide support, aid and comfort to the Enemy.

Such was the premise upon which the Wet Pussy Award was founded, and it was a runaway success. But the time has now come to widen the focus and include not just the traitorous scum who actively support the Han Regime, but also the whack-jobs, fruitcakes, fucktards, morons, dimwits, dipschticks and the generally lost and insane. Those whose name alone can trigger a Code 404 response from most web browsers. These ‘people’ are living amongst us but you will never actually meet them, for their particular forte is to be brave – Oh, so very brave! – from behind the safety of an internet connection.

In China they are known as fifty-cent’ers and fenqing, but they also exist all over the developed world (and even parts of America), living out their miserable existences hiding in darkened rooms and suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome (for which they imagine they will one day be awarded a Purple Heart). Today, we honour their uniquely worthless characters with an award dedicated to the premise that there are no stupid comments, only stupid commenters.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

The Soggy Box

The inaugural winner of this homage to the pestilent is a dangerous man indeed, with a long and proven track record of vanquishing his foes with clever bon mots and witty ripostes such as “You’re a fuckhead. A traitor. A moron. And one day you will pay for that treason with your life. I suggest you fuck off to Israel” and “You want a punch in the face? A snap in the ribs? You want me to break your nose?“. Let’s look briefly at his resume, shall we?

– Postgraduate degrees in science, engineering, chemistry, business administration and economics.

– An IQ of 152.

– Former Police Officer.

– Successful ultramarathon cyclist

– Retired as a millionaire in order to pursue a life on welfare.

– Fought for Hamas and Hizbollah.

– The only ‘Hand-to-Hand Sniper‘ in history. Served with the Australian Special Air Service.

– Founder of the 100,000 strong Australian jihadi army called The Australian Civil War Movement.

This character has friends in high places, too: He is under the personal protection of the Lula’s (apparently they are the security forces of a certain low-rent South American nation), is personally behind the insurgency in Iraq, and has evidence to prove the moon landing were faked. He is also a genetic scientist par excellence, who was working to create the world’s first killer disease that attacked the genetic code of Jewish people, until he realised that the Mossad had secretly switched his test samples for ones containing non-Jew DNA. What a guy.

And who is this genius? This internet hero, come to save the entire world from the tyranny of 9/11 (and Apollo/11) conspirators? Who is this brave soldier of the light, to whom the entire world owes a debt of incalculable vastness? This magnificent master of the keyboard?

They call him Jake McCrann.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. Jake McCrann calls himself, in his more lucid moments, Jake McCrann. Of course, sometimes he calls himself Willy Wonker’s Wonky Willy as well, so perhaps he isn’t such a reliable reference when it come to the Who’s Who part of this Award. People who get out in the fresh air occasionally mostly just call him a fucktard.

But what a fucktard, eh? It takes a special [read: Special Needs] sort of person to dedicate his entire life to sitting in a darkened room, existing solely on a diet of vegemite and incontinence pads, and leading a solo jihad against the sane, armed only with a computer and a slow internet connection. Most Internet Tough Guys just never make it to Jake’s league.

Jake McCrann, man with Vaseline smeared all over his left hand, and online legend in his own mind, I award you the Soggy Box for services to shitkickers everywhere.

090829 soggy box

Jake McCrann – Soggy Box Winner

Special note: if you are interested in learning The Truth According To Gorp, wish to experience some really first-class twatery yourself, or merely want to find out how many sandwiches short of a six-pack this loose unit is, do feel free to contact Sphinctermeister Jake at jbmccrann@gmail.com

MyLaowai respectfully requests you do not spam, abuse, or otherwise harass Mister McCrann. That would be Bad. Bad for yo, that is. Jake’s a genuine, certified Hand-to-Hand Sniper, don’tcherknow?

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Posted in Soggy Box | 191 Comments »

Chinatomy 101

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 24, 2009

By now, some of you may have heard the rumours that MyLaowai is soon to release a book. I certainly hope you’ve heard the rumours, because I’ve been working hard to spread them all over the parish. What you may not know, however, is that the deal is for three books.

The first is to be a children’s book (but probably to lead into a series), suitable for a reading age of 3-5 years. That makes it about right for most college graduates here in China.

The second is to be a scientific study of Chinese society and patterns of social behaviour. It is concerned with social structures and processes, and you can be sure that it will be chock-full of facts and hard, scientific data. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes required reading in forward-thinking universities throughout the world.

The third book gave us some trouble. The publisher demanded a third book, you see, and we didn’t have much to offer that didn’t involve a lot of actual work. I’m dead-set against work, and the girls are all busy doing their nails. Well, we here at MLHQ made the decision last month to write a book for visitors to China, a bit like the kind of thing bird-watchers have. You know the sort of thing I mean: lot’s of pictures of the different kinds of varieties you’d expect to see, descriptions of the habitat, all that sort of gumpf. The idea is that you take this book with you, and when you spot one of the specimens, you tick it off. This particular book specialises in inbreeding deformities of the most amazing kind.

I’ve written before about some of the weird and wonderful birth defects to be found in China, and today we were able to add two more specimens to the list. Look for them in the book. There was the girl, normal in most respects and rather pretty as well, who had Big Spock-Ear Syndrome. I felt a bit sorry for the lass, actually. Perhaps she tells boys she is a pixie or an elf or something. The second rare specimen was more disturbing, for it was nothing less than a middle aged woman with testicles growing from her armpits!

Sweet Jesus the Jew! How is such a thing even possible? How many genes have to be scrambled for a middle aged woman to have testicles growing from her armpits! I went straight home and delved at once into my medical textbooks. Sure enough, I found this very scientific picture:

090824 anatomy

The scientific words under the picture said that this was either a rare genetic mutation caused by severe inbreeding over five thousand years, or alternatively as a result of being Victoria Beckham. Honestly folks, I don’t know which one is worse. Either is a terrifying prospect.

At any rate, she’ll go nicely between the One Legged Man (with three feet at the end of his one leg), and the Oddly Breasted Munchkin.

What a wonderfully entertaining world we live in, eh?

Posted in China | 13 Comments »

Oh yes, Mortality. I laugh in your face.

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, August 22, 2009

090822 booze death

Created by Bar Stools.
A Conservative Estimate.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 9 Comments »

On A Positive Note…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 19, 2009

On a positive note, when people in the neighbouring building choose to engage in acts of the most appalling sexual depravity, my pair of 15×70 binoculars are quite capable of picking up every detail. I shall be installing a recording function at the earliest possible opportunity.

Note: If the animal gives it’s consent, the act is legal in China.

Posted in China | 13 Comments »

MyLaowai’s Book – Supplemental Section

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 14, 2009

guestpost.jpg

Dear Chinese girls,

So you want to marry a laowai huh? Well, there is quite a bit of work for you ladies to do as well before you are even close to being suitable LONG TERM partners. Yes, that’s right, the reason the door was locked when you tried to visit is because your Chinese characteristics were deemed unsuitable for long term investment by the more discerning laowai.

Of course, it is only natural that you should want a partner who belongs to the more civilised laowai demographic, but you have to make a few changes. Merely trying to blackmail the poor bastard won’t work – you simply aren’t smart enough and don’t have enough guanxi to score a small bottle of ereguotuo. Yes, hybrid babies are lovely, cute and healthy – and many laowai would love to start a family. But that does not mean we will put up with the world of paranoid delusions that you call day to day living in China.

But let us be fair. After all, who can blame these girls? It’s been my experience that pretty much every Chinese girl who has come into contact with a boy from her country has realised that she can get away with murder so long as she puts out a few times a week for the 30 seconds of greasy grope that passes for native sex. Well, until said boy finds his next KTV girl at any rate.

Now, DaBizzare has been described as ‘the male Germaine Greer of China’, and I am here to help. I want to show you Chinese girls that foreigners don’t just have foreign passports, they have standards as well. So here it is, girls, a short list of some of the ways in which you can lift your game. With practice, you may find that you, too, can actually keep a laowai boyfriend for a long time and maybe even convert him into a loving and devoted husband.

Please do note that this list is not an exhaustive one. Please also note that if you require clarification on any of these points, you need only try actually asking a laowai for his opinion on the subject.

1. Wash. This is a big deal for most laowai’s, although maybe some of our British peers [and possibly also British Peers – Ed] can tolerate you doing so twice weekly, most of the rest of us prefer daily, and especially after strenuous exercise. It doesn’t matter if you are from Northern China where the cultural imperative is to be fragrant and save valuable water so the baijiu factories can keep up their production quotas; a whiff of stale quiff will ruin a stiff. Your local laowai will be more than happy to let you use his shower upon arrival every time and will gladly foot the bill for your aqueous ablutions.

2. Shave. Underarm hair is not attractive, and quite frankly, heading a bit further south of there, not every laowai is called Dr Livingstone or Indiana Jones, and therefore is not carrying a machete to crop your jungle growth. Again, if razors seem prohibitively expensive, your local laowai will be more than happy to supply you one – NO! Do NOT use the same one he uses on his face! – for your own personal use. If you are still having trouble, drop in and see me, I’ll personally see to it you are suitably trimmed.

3. Get properly dressed. This means matching colours and not looking like you lost at a dye fight. Be careful of the English slogans on your shirt; “I put out for truckers” or “I love sex” are not conducive to a long term relationship. Those 3 inch hats pinned to the side of your head are DEFINITELY OUT. Also, those stupid dresses that have the waistline lifted to just below your breasts to try and give the illusion that you have long legs are a definite ‘no’ as well, and in a similar vein, looking like a sack just doesn’t cut it either: it makes you look pregnant. If there is no gather under the breasts, don’t buy it. Hugely padded bras are a plan guaranteed to misfire: if Joe Laowai likes big tits [or even any tits at all – Ed] and is fooled by your padding, when he gets you home and finds out that your funbags disappear when you undress then you are extremely unlikely to get invited back again. Lying on any level just doesn’t pay for the long haul, although you may get lucky and get a taste of long schlong for a single evening.

4. Learn to walk. This involves lifting your feet from the ground, thus this tip could also be referred to as Stop Shuffling. You can further improve your chances by actually walking in a straight line, and not weaving all over the shire. Finally, aim for your average walking speed to be slightly faster than that of a dead snail on morphine. I would go on to advanced concepts like avoiding the zombie stomp, but I don’t want to overload your neuron. [No, I would definitely recommend not doing the stompy thing, and risk the integrity of the neuron – Ed]

5. When your nose is itchy, don’t insert your finger up to the second joint. When going to the toilet, use a toilet. Western style toilets are for sitting on, not squatting on top of. Flushing it after use wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. When you want to hawk a loogie, just don’t. Use a bin for your litter. In short: try acting like a civilised person. I’ve said enough on this topic.

6. ‘Chinese boys would give me a house and a car’ is bullshit. Chinese boys would be lucky to give the time of day if they could work it out for themselves. We laowai are not stupid, girls, and you can’t expect us to swallow lines like ‘No Chinese girl has sex before she marries’ or ‘This is my first time’. No, we won’t pay for your second cousin’s dog-catcher’s nephew’s house because ‘that is what is expected of Chinese families’ and if your old man comes around to attempt to strong-arm us into coughing up for his Ferrari you can expect your access privileges to be instantly revoked [the same applies in the far more likely event of the vehicle being a Santana, Jiali, or other local dog-box – Ed]. The “you have had sex with me so now you must marry me” doesn’t work on Chinese fucktards, so don’t expect us to fall for it either.

7. Questions like “When can we move to your homeland”, “Do you own a house overseas”, “I really want to leave China” and so on leave Joe Laowai with the distinct impression that he is being used for his passport. Believe it or not, we want a girl to love us for whom we are.

8. About your, erm, assets. This is a delicate subject, I know. Fate has not been kind to the women of the Middle Kingdom, and there isn’t much you can do about it in most cases. Please, don’t go getting your legs broken, stretched and re-pinned. Don’t go getting that eyelid operation. If it fucks up, my God, even a northern Chinese farmer wouldn’t touch you. The emaciated waif look is not at all attractive, laowai are big, strong men and we are afraid we will snap you in half if we take you to bed. Eat well, get some curves and do some exercise, drink a little beer, and watch those boobies grow.

9. If you can’t dance, don’t dance. Nothing is less impressive to a boy than a girl trying to be graceful, and failing so miserably at it that he has to sneak out the back door while she simulates a convulsing epileptic. Just pour the lad a beer without too much head on it and he’ll love you forever.

10. The world isn’t about you. It also isn’t about China. Learn something of it, something not immediately related to parting Joe Laowai from his hard-earned cash. Learn about the history of the ancient Romans, or the Nile river, or how a light bulb works, or how insects breed, or why a year is 365.25 days long, or any of a billion other things. Knowing things for their own sake makes you a more interesting person to be around. Who knows, if you only manage to stop beating your flat chest long enough to learn something about life, maybe a boy might actually want to talk to you for once? Give it a try.

All these invaluable tips and much more will be available in MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help [Supplemental Section], available soon at all good foreign book stores.

Good luck, girls.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Rules of the Road | 17 Comments »

Which China Are YOU Dealing With?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 13, 2009

There was a very good Op-Ed piece in the Sydney Morning Herald the other day, by a bloke named Peter Hartcher. You can find it here. In it, he talks about China’s behaviour towards Australia of late. He’s right with everything he says.

But here’s the bit that gives me the screaming heebies – his last paragraph reads:

“This is a powerful wake-up call for Australia. The China we must live with is not the China we thought we were dealing with.”

I’m sorry, Mister Hartcher, but just exactly which China did you (and the rest of the world) think you were dealing with last year? Obviously not the China that keeps millions of people imprisoned without trial in slave labour camps – the infamous Laogai. Clearly not the China that exports the industrial output of those same slave labour camps at such low and attractive prices. I’m sure it wasn’t the same China that is the worlds largest exporter of collagen (used in lipsticks and other cosmetics), the same collagen that is taken from human skin torn from the bodies of still-living political prisoners. And not the same China that then uses the organs from those same prisoners to turn a healthy profit. Hopefully not the same China that worships that man who murdered more than a hundred and twenty million of his own people.

Was it the China that has the world’s largest standing army? The one with a track record of having invaded virtually every single neighbour in the last sixty years? The one that annexed three neighbouring countries and has since proceeded to nearly exterminate their native peoples? The one with an ambitious nuclear weapons program (and a publicly stated desire to use those weapons against the West)? The one with the world’s largest military manned space program? The one with territorial claims on Taiwan, South Korea, Japan, India, Vietnam, the Philippines, Hawaii, New Zealand and Australia? Is that the China you were referring to? Surely not.

Or, how about the China the prides itself on prohibiting you from selling ninety nine percent of your products there? The China that, in turn, exports to you poisonous food, dangerous children’s toys, exploding tyres, lethal dairy products, and tainted animal feed. The China that welcomes foreign investment under the condition that it gets to steal your trade secrets and then kicks you out on your ear. That China, perhaps? No?

I’m confused, Mister Hartcher. Which China did you think you were dealing with?

Posted in China, Media | 4 Comments »

Help!

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I’ve got nothing to say. Which is to say, I’ve plenty to say [about China amongst other things], but everything I want to say means I have to think about it in some depth, and that’s as depressing as all Hell. Ye Gods, this place is a depressing wasteland in more ways than most people can comprehend [I do not include those of you who actually ‘live’ here, of course].

China: 5,000 years and still developing.

Guest post required to fill the gap…

Posted in China | 20 Comments »

MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 3, 2009

Dear Chinese boys,

It has come to my attention that many of you are quite upset about the fact that ‘your’ Chinese girls are more attracted to ‘foreigner’ boys than they are to you. For reasons that must make sense to you, you seem to feel that the best way to deal with this unhappy situation is for foreigners to be kicked out of China (or indeed, kicked out of any country in which you choose to live), and then to persecute the girls in question, for ‘diluting the race’, whatever that means.

But let us be fair. After all, who can blame these girls? It’s been my experience that pretty much every Chinese girl who has come into contact with a boy from another country has formed a distinct preference for the foreign boy, almost without exception, so surely there must be valid and compelling reasons, right? Why not look first at the reasons why such a situation could arise, and then do something about it?

Now, MyLaowai has been described as ‘the Mother Teresa of China‘, and I am here to help. I want to show you Chinese boys that foreigners don’t just have big dicks, they have big hearts as well. So here it is, boys, a short list of some of the ways in which you can lift your game. With practice, you may find that you, too, can have a Chinese girlfriend.

Please do note that this list is not an exhaustive one. Please also note that if you require clarification on any of these points, you need only send me an email. Alternatively, you could try actually asking a girl for her opinion on the subject.

1. Wash. This is a big deal for girls – they have this strange obsession with boys who wash more than once a year. To be perfectly frank, I’d advise washing more than once a week. Hell, wash most days and see where it gets you. You will probably want to use soap as well as water, and pay attention to the parts of your body that have never before seen a shower (i.e. the parts covered in skin). Now, I am not insensitive to your cultural values, so if you don’t want your parents, teachers, government, and doctor to find out about this seditious activity, wash at a time when no one else is at home – a good time would be during the day when Dad is at work and Mom is over at the English teacher’s home.

2. Brush your teeth. I am aware that kissing is not a part of Chinese culture, but that’s only because you’ve never tried it. And the reason why you haven’t tried it is because your mouth smells like a mushroom farm, and no girl with a nose wants to get near it. Here’s a hint: if the flowers across the room wilt when you exhale, then you need to brush your teeth. For best results MyLaowai recommends using a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a generous application of rot-removing brushing no less than three times a day. Swilling a cup of old green tea around your rotting gums just does not produce the same results, sorry.

3. Get properly dressed. Roll your shirt down – midriff tops are not the look you should be attempting to recreate – and tuck it in. Roll down your trouser legs too – if that’s just too hot, buy a pair of shorts. And for the love of all that’s Holy, stop wearing white socks or nylon stockings with scuffed black shoes. Sheesh man, smarten up! Note: If you are a grandfather AND you are over the age of 75, then you are permitted to have your belt around your nipples. If you’re not, then you’re not.

4. Learn to walk. This involves lifting your feet from the ground, thus this tip could also be referred to as Stop Shuffling. You can further improve your chances by actually walking in a straight line, and not weaving all over the parish. Finally, aim for your average walking speed to be slightly faster than that of a dead slug on valium. I would go on to advanced concepts like walking with a spring in your step, but I don’t want to overload your neuron.

5. When at the gym, don’t spend an hour and a half blow-drying your pubes. When going to the toilet, use a toilet. Flushing it after use wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. When you want to hawk a loogie, just don’t. Use a bin for your litter. In short: try acting like a civilised person. I’ve said enough on this topic.

6. ‘Our Chinese Girls’ is bullshit. No girl belongs to you, and the days when you could bind their feet to keep them at home are long gone, Sparky. If you want her, best you be prepared to get her on your own merits. In the same vein, girls are more important than their family. This means that it doesn’t matter whether their entire extended fucking family can accept your entire extended fucking family, as long as she can accept you and you can accept her. That’s it, pure and simple. A girl who is with you because you managed to get your uncle to apply pressure to some luckless schmuck, who then gave a better job to her father’s friend’s babysitter’s dog’s keeper, is a girl who will be taking dictation with Johnny Laowai in no time at all.

7. Girls are not only interested in your assets. True, I will grant you that most girls in most cultures are fairly mercenary, and nowhere more so than in Asia, and large wads of cash never hurt your cause, but believe it or not, some girls actually are also interested in getting to know the person who is hoping to get to know them in the biblical sense of the word. Put another way, try talking about something other than how rich you are, your apartment, your business, your blah blah blah… Even better, and this may be a strange concept to absorb, try NOT talking about yourself at all, and instead asking about her. Listening to her answers is advised.

8. About your, erm, assets. This is a delicate subject, I know. Fate has not been kind to the men of the Middle Kingdom, and there isn’t much you can do about it in most cases. Being caught short is a terrible embarrassment to have to live with, and you have my deepest sympathy. However, just because your Little Friend can’t please her, it doesn’t mean that she can’t be pleased – this is a family friendly forum and so I can’t go into too many details, but suffice to say that there is a large body of media resources available to you.

9. If you can’t drink, don’t drink. Nothing is less impressive to a girl than a boy trying to be a man, and failing so miserably at it that she has to carry him home. Being covered in his chunder is not conducive to romance, either. Personally, I’d leave off the baijiu altogether, and concentrate instead on either understanding that wine is made from grapes (and not from, say, distilled grain liquor), or on how to make a martini. Proposing a toast to her never hurts.

10. The world isn’t about you. It also isn’t about China. Learn something of it, something not immediately related to making money. Learn about the history of the ancient Greeks, or the Amazon river, or how solar power works, or how insects breathe, or why the day is 24 hours long, or any of a billion other things. Knowing things for their own sake makes you a more interesting person to be around. Who knows, if you only manage to stop beating your sunken chest long enough to learn something about life, maybe a girl might actually want to talk to you for once? Give it a try.

All these invaluable tips and much more will be available in MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help, available soon at all good foreign book stores.

Good luck, boys.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Motivational!, Rules of the Road | 110 Comments »