There are some people who, were this the post-WWII period, would no doubt be busy explaining themselves to UNWCC (the United Nations War Crimes Commission). I refer, of course, to those people who have gone over to the Yellow Side of the Force, and who have gone out of their way to provide support, aid and comfort to the Enemy.
Such was the premise upon which the Wet Pussy Award was founded, and it was a runaway success. But the time has now come to widen the focus and include not just the traitorous scum who actively support the Han Regime, but also the whack-jobs, fruitcakes, fucktards, morons, dimwits, dipschticks and the generally lost and insane. Those whose name alone can trigger a Code 404 response from most web browsers. These ‘people’ are living amongst us but you will never actually meet them, for their particular forte is to be brave – Oh, so very brave! – from behind the safety of an internet connection.
In China they are known as fifty-cent’ers and fenqing, but they also exist all over the developed world (and even parts of America), living out their miserable existences hiding in darkened rooms and suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome (for which they imagine they will one day be awarded a Purple Heart). Today, we honour their uniquely worthless characters with an award dedicated to the premise that there are no stupid comments, only stupid commenters.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
The Soggy Box
The inaugural winner of this homage to the pestilent is a dangerous man indeed, with a long and proven track record of vanquishing his foes with clever bon mots and witty ripostes such as “You’re a fuckhead. A traitor. A moron. And one day you will pay for that treason with your life. I suggest you fuck off to Israel” and “You want a punch in the face? A snap in the ribs? You want me to break your nose?“. Let’s look briefly at his resume, shall we?
– Postgraduate degrees in science, engineering, chemistry, business administration and economics.
– An IQ of 152.
– Former Police Officer.
– Successful ultramarathon cyclist
– Retired as a millionaire in order to pursue a life on welfare.
– Fought for Hamas and Hizbollah.
– The only ‘Hand-to-Hand Sniper‘ in history. Served with the Australian Special Air Service.
– Founder of the 100,000 strong Australian jihadi army called The Australian Civil War Movement.
This character has friends in high places, too: He is under the personal protection of the Lula’s (apparently they are the security forces of a certain low-rent South American nation), is personally behind the insurgency in Iraq, and has evidence to prove the moon landing were faked. He is also a genetic scientist par excellence, who was working to create the world’s first killer disease that attacked the genetic code of Jewish people, until he realised that the Mossad had secretly switched his test samples for ones containing non-Jew DNA. What a guy.
And who is this genius? This internet hero, come to save the entire world from the tyranny of 9/11 (and Apollo/11) conspirators? Who is this brave soldier of the light, to whom the entire world owes a debt of incalculable vastness? This magnificent master of the keyboard?
They call him Jake McCrann.
Well, that isn’t strictly true. Jake McCrann calls himself, in his more lucid moments, Jake McCrann. Of course, sometimes he calls himself Willy Wonker’s Wonky Willy as well, so perhaps he isn’t such a reliable reference when it come to the Who’s Who part of this Award. People who get out in the fresh air occasionally mostly just call him a fucktard.
But what a fucktard, eh? It takes a special [read: Special Needs] sort of person to dedicate his entire life to sitting in a darkened room, existing solely on a diet of vegemite and incontinence pads, and leading a solo jihad against the sane, armed only with a computer and a slow internet connection. Most Internet Tough Guys just never make it to Jake’s league.
Jake McCrann, man with Vaseline smeared all over his left hand, and online legend in his own mind, I award you the Soggy Box for services to shitkickers everywhere.
Jake McCrann – Soggy Box Winner
Special note: if you are interested in learning The Truth According To Gorp, wish to experience some really first-class twatery yourself, or merely want to find out how many sandwiches short of a six-pack this loose unit is, do feel free to contact Sphinctermeister Jake at email@example.com
MyLaowai respectfully requests you do not spam, abuse, or otherwise harass Mister McCrann. That would be Bad. Bad for yo, that is. Jake’s a genuine, certified Hand-to-Hand Sniper, don’tcherknow?