Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for June, 2008

My Wet Pussy Award – June 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 30, 2008

June’s award goes to Barry, for thinking that China isn’t such a bad place compared with the terrible places he has actually been. Places like Kuala Lumpur, Phuket, and Hong Kong – all of which were terrible places, apparently. He hasn’t actually ever been to China, but he knows it must be a nice place.

Which is fine, except when you’re thinking that on my time and on my lunch bill.

Fuck Barry.

Barry, Wet Pussy Award winner, June ’08.

Posted in Wet Pussy Awards | 7 Comments »

Wang 2.0: The Return of Wang?

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, June 29, 2008

Part 3 of a 3 part story.
*** Part 1 *** Part 2 ***

In 1949 the first Wang XianSheng rolled off the production lines at Beijing’s No.3 Light Industrial Plant. It proved a huge success, with tens of millions being built for Communist China over the next 60 years.

Wang 2.0, released last week, is the new high performance workerbot from CCP Systems. In this review, we are going to look at the various components and compare it with existing models to see if we can answer the question: is this workerbot really the best on the market today?

Wang 2.0 on our test bench – is this the shape of things to come?

First Look – Thin Skin?
As you can see, Wang 2.0 bears a superficial resemblance to the workerbots it is intended to replace. In fact, all the Wang, Gao, Zhang, Li, Liu and Chen workerbots are the product of Harmonious Assimilation Networks (HAN) design studios, and Wang 2.0 is no exception. The difference lies not only under the skin, but includes the skin itself – the skin of the Wang 2.0 is considerably thinner than on any previous model. Some experts consider that this will leave the bot vulnerable to the many skin diseases prevalent in the environments in which it will operate, and indeed this is a valid point, but to understand the real benefits of this thin skin, one must look to the reaction co-processor, a new microcircuit known as the Organism Fabricated for Fighting, Efficient Nullification and Socialist Exploration module (OFFENSE). The new Wang 2.0 is actually capable of claiming offence on behalf of “All The Chinese People”, in a staggering 5,000 different ways! CCP Systems claim that Wang 2.0 is the most easily offended workerbot ever produced, and if the numbers are true, we certainly are impressed.

CPU and Head Systems

The above images show the ‘brain’ of the bot, the CPU, massively increased in size from previous models, and the new Positronic Robotic Organiser Programmed for Accurate Gratification, Adept Nullification and Dangerous Attitudes (PROPAGANDA) chip. You can see the many tendrils that snake throughout the control systems of Wang 2.0 – this is the first time such a complex command node processor has been used in a workerbot.

New hyper-threading technology, invented 5,000 years ago in Xi’an (and recently stolen by Intel), means that Wang 2.0 is the first Chinese workerbot with a true multi-tasking capability, able to eat, excrete, whine, and sleep simultaneously. CCP Systems claim that Wang 2.0 can also walk whilst chewing gum, but our tests showed otherwise. It appears that there is still some way to go before foreign models can be effectively replaced in many roles.

Dual Channel DDR-2 memory by GOLDFISH.

A changing, fast-paced world has meant that older, low (and in many cases, no-) productivity models are no longer capable of meeting China’s needs for a modern workforce. Wang 2.0 is designed to be a powerhouse of a production worker. CCP Systems claim Wang 2.0 is the best workerbot in the world – let’s see how it measured up in our benchmarking tests:

Although Wang 2.0 is clearly far superior to the earlier Wang XianSheng series, it still poses no real threat to the current market leaders, although it could easily find its way into the low-cost African market.

The main bionics chassis is built by Lifeform Assemblies for Zealous Yelling (LAZY), and are a direct spin-off from China’s space program astrobot (Synthetic Technician Optimized for Logical Exploration and Nullification, or STOLEN). CCP Systems have not released efficiency rating figures yet, but our tests show that Wang 2.0 is less efficient than its predecessor, Wang XianSheng. Whereas the XianSheng-series could operate on just 7mg of rice and a chicken claw a day, Wang 2.0 requires no less than an entire bowl of congee just to kickstart its primary systems every day. That said, once it gets started, Wang 2.0 is no slouch – speeds of up to 3km/h were recorded during our benchmarking tests. Straight-line distances of nearly a meter were also recorded.

Other Applications
Wang 2.0 is clearly intended to form the basis of a new range of workerbots, with potential military, social, governmental, and espionage applications, and a recently released photograph shows Wang 2.0 adapted for use as a high-altitude construction worker:

Wang 2.0 is truly a very high-end bot that will bring an impressive performance boost if you are a serious manufacturer in the Chinese marketplace.

In factory environments with work quality settings configured at “high”, Wang 2.0 was between 62% and 70% faster than Wang XianSheng and between 62% and 68% faster than Gao XianSheng. In the same factory with work quality settings configured at “low”, Wang 2.0 was between 67% and 126% faster than Wang XianSheng – here however Liu2000 and Harmonious Li achieved the same performance level, with the only significant difference seen at lunchtime, where this workerbot from CCP Systems was 34% faster than any other model.

We are now even more curious to see the performance of Wang 2.0 ‘AYI’, as it will reach the market costing “only” USD$400. We hope to get one very soon. Stay tuned!

Posted in Wang Xiansheng | 5 Comments »

(Evil Step-) Mother

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, June 22, 2008

Evil Step-Mother,

The world took pity on you when it saw how backward you were, and tried to help you in every way it could;
The world was somewhat nervous when you focused your newfound financial power on building the worlds largest military, complete with Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles (ICBM’s) and a military space program;
The world condemned you when you butchered tens of millions of your own people, but was willing to forgive you for invading just about every neighbouring country and teaching lies as history;
The free citizens of the world refused to boycott the Olympics, despite the fact that you boycotted more Olympics than any other nation in history;

Let me tell you, Evil Step-Mother, as a free man brought up outside China:
They fear you, Evil Step-Mother, as your people have no morals;
They fear you, Evil Step-Mother, as your ambition to dominate knows no bounds;
They fear you, Evil Step-Mother, as you take the most callous side in every international dispute;
They fear you, Evil Step-Mother, as your generals have stated they WANT a nuclear war with the West;
And finally, for the period Qin Dynasty to the date of your inevitable demise, your people have shown their blinkered, xenophobic hatred of all things foreign, contrasting greatly with the civilisation seen in the West.

Evil Step-Mother, words of praise and encouragement have come all too often from the West, most of whose people are willing to let bygones be bygones, and who have tried so very hard, for so very long, to drag you into enlightenment, despite yourself and despite your hostile attitude towards them in return.

Evil Step-Mother, I’m fucking glad I’m not one of the poor bastards who was born in your realm, but that said, I’m doing what I can to give you yet another chance. Not that you’ll take it, but that’s what we civilised people do.

I hope it doesn’t all end in tears.


Posted in China | 12 Comments »


Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 21, 2008

I received this from a reader the other day. It’s short and to the point, and frankly I couldn’t write it any better. Read this:

Now then,

I was sat in the Big Bamboo the other day watching Sweden play Spain in Euro 200b on an overseas Chinese sports channel called Ben Sports. Everything was fine until the breaks when suddenly this message began to repeat on the screen (I didn’t get a photo):

The world laughed at you for being backward;
The world was full of envy and anxiety when you opened up and progressed into a financial powerhouse;
The world condemned you when you put law and order into the upheaval and lawlessness created by followers of a self proclaimed Robin Hood in t¡bet but failed to applaud when you used your influence to save the lives of Burmese monks;
The world threatened to boycott and disrupt the August Olympics on ground of your violations of human rights standards set by the West who by apartheid policies and discrimination of coloured people blatantly violated for ages the same standards set.
Let me tell you Mother as a dragon seed brought up outside China;
They fear you Mother as you out compete them;
They fear you Mother as you are set to replace them at the healm of world order faster than they can accept;
They fear you Mother as you refused to take sides in every international dispute as you believe that to each his own and from each his best;
They fear you Mother as you have by hardwork hastened the failure and decadence of self assumed western supremecy system;
And finally for the period 12th May to eternity, you have shown the world the tenderness, love and care of the best guardian government and leaders the Chinese People can ever have contrasting greatly with the aftermath of the Florida and Burmese cyclone.
Mother, words of praises and admiration will never come from the West as they have painted you falsely as a hardcore monster with no feelings for your own for too long and the Western World is watching with total disbelief on CNN, BBC, Fox Media, live, the search, rescue, care and rebuilding operations to restore life and normalcy into the millions of displaced victims led by brothers Hu Jintao and Wen Jiabao demonstrating love care and simplicity with no political agenda whatsoever.
Mother, we whether in or out of the Great Wall are lucky and proud to be descendants of the ever Supreme Dragon.

Mr. Ben Chairman/CEO Bensports Satellite TV May 2008

People were pretty pissed off to have their football match interrupted with this kind of racist nonsense, and the content pretty much makes clear what the Chinese think behind all their nice Olympic Harmony lies. The fact that it’s printed in English means assumedly it is directed against westerners.

Others write about it here:



I think you should definitely write something about this.

Hope you’re well.

Posted in China | 3 Comments »

No Comment

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 21, 2008

The High Court in South Africa has ruled that Chinese South Africans are to be reclassified as black people.


I personally have no comment on this, other than there’s one point four billion potential appeals pending.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

June 4th. Happy Massacre Day.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 4, 2008

This year marks the 19th Anniversary of the Massacre, the day when Tienanmen Square stopped being known as a place, and became known for an event. Many of the participants are still rotting in prisons. Well, those who are still alive are, at any rate.

Why is it that, in China, re-education takes longer than education?

Posted in China | 2 Comments »