Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for August, 2011

Zombie Survival

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 29, 2011

Posted in Motivational!, Wang Xiansheng | 6 Comments »

The Great Rabbit-Proof Fence of China

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 26, 2011

The Great Wall of China, formally known as the No. 1 Rabbit-Proof Fence, is a pest-exclusion fence constructed between 220BC and 206BC to keep rabbits and other agricultural pests out of Chinese pastoral areas. And, of course, to keep Chinese people out of the more culturally advanced lands to the north.

The Great Wall of China is, however, not the only Great Wall in existence. No sireebob! There are literally dozens of famous walls in the world, and most of them were better built and more effective at being, er, walls. As it were. I mean, some of them actually kept people and rabbits out. At least a couple kept the roof up as well.

I know, I know: the Chinese have long argued that all walls – everywhere – are in fact mere extensions of their own One True Wall, and that this therefore proves that the entire planet has been an inalienable and indisputable part of China since ancient times. I’m not the first to make reference to this; I merely repeat what other scholars have noted. But I think that this view is not entirely correct: Take for instance the Great Rabbit-Proof Wall of Australia. That was clearly built by Aussies.

Now, before we get bogged down in details, let’s you and I be quite clear about something: Despite what Gavin ‘Oxygen-Starvation’ Menzies and his sponsors in the Chinese Communist Party would have you believe, Australia has never been a part of the Great Chinese Empire. Evidence for this can be found in the fact that Chinese people cannot spell ‘XXXX’. So there. Moving on. The Great Rabbit-Proof Wall of Australia, however, shares many features in common with the Great Rabbit-Proof Fence of China:
> Both are reasonably long
> Neither was effective at keeping rabbits or Chinese out
> Neither can be seen from space
> Neither are very fucking ‘great’; in fact the best you could say is that they are equally ‘average’. The Pyramid of Khufu is great. Angkor Wat is great. A really decent pint of Guinness is great (despite being Irish). The Spitfire MkIX was bloody great. Aston Martons and Lamborghinis are great. Fences that cost a lot of money and time to build which don’t keep rabbits and Chinese and other vermin out, are pretty bloody average.

In fact, the Average Rabbit-Proof Fence of China is a bloody disgrace. Expensive and time-consuming to build, and utterly useless. No wonder peasants were tearing it down and using the bricks to build houses almost as soon as it was constructed.

And how do I know the Great Wall of Australia wasn’t built by the Chinese? Because it didn’t cost a million lives to build, merely £337,841.

Posted in Fact Friday, History | 4 Comments »

Children’s Corner

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Chinese Schoolgirls: what’s not to like? Knee socks, short skirts, and the ones who can run faster than their uncles are still virgins!

Mind you, there’s a lot of competition these days – schoolgirls are amongst the most sought-after of all girls in China, with businessmen, Party officials and the generally well-to-do all paying top dollar for them. Not that the schoolgirls see the money, mind you, because it almost invariably goes to the parents. Well, that’s fair enough I guess: it goes part-way towards making up for the disappointment of not having a boy child.

Of course, you don’t have to be rich to hire a schoolgirl. Oh no. Almost every middle- and high-school in China has a whack-shack located within fifty yards of the main gate, which is ideal when you understand that the schools supply both the employees and the customers. Not sure where to go? No problems – just follow the headmaster at lunchtime and he’ll lead you straight there.

So, here’s to schoolgirls. May they never lose their charm nor have their knee socks slip below their panties. And in the spirit of this tribute, I present you with a colouring-in competition (hint: the scarf is red):

First Prize: one week’s holiday in Hunan.
Second Prize: two week’s holiday in Hunan.
Judge’s decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into unless we can be arsed.

Posted in Pornography, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 8 Comments »

The miracle of… Wait a minute!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Having babies – what’s so fucking special about it? Women are forever bleating on and on about how they are better than men because only they can drop a litter of rug-rats, and how this somehow endows them with the ability to create a more compassionate world, and blah de fucking blah. Big whoops I say: come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of receiving a blow job whilst driving your Aston through a built-up area at high speed.

But oh no, we have to treat women ‘special’. And in China they take this to extremes. This probably does not surprise you; it doesn’t surprise me. Very few things possess the power to surprise me any more, except perhaps the (frankly ludicrous) suggestion that someone in China might actually exhibit some fragment of humanity for once in their useless life – but I digress.

Women are ‘special’ in China. Well, retarded kids are ‘special’ where I come from, and there are many similarities between the two groups. Pregnant women are the most ‘special’ of all, of course. You can’t fire their lazy asses, you’re not supposed to beat them as often as the unimpregnated ones, they get paid time off to drop their hatchlings, etcetera etcetera. But this is just the ordinary sort of nonsense we put up with in the West. In China, they don’t watch television, in case it damages the unborn bastards’ eyes. She can’t sit on a crooked mat, or look at bright colours, or have an unharmonious discussion. Food must be properly cut before she eats it, and she can’t eat anything cold, because that leads to arthritis. She doesn’t have sex, of course, but that’s hardly a surprise – after getting a larva on the way, what possible reason could she have for wanting sex ever again?

Best of all, though, is that she gets to wear a lead-lined vest. I’m not making this stuff up folks: Chinese women carrying a codling wear lead-lined vests, a bit like one of those dictators in low-rent countries that you only hear about in the news when we invade them. Apparently, this is to protect the unborn scrag from the dangers of intense radiation given off by photocopiers, computer monitors, fluorescent lights, and in fact anything remotely related to doing her fucking job properly. It probably won’t stop a bullet though, and it won’t help much when she gets pushed down the stairs.

I have a mate here whose wifey-pops is preggers. He’s a good mate, and he reads this blog, so I’m going to be nice about his wife. She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation – Sweet Jesus the Jew! So, I’m going to be nice about his wife, but – Holy Fucking Moly! Let’s just hear that one again, shall we:

She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation.

What the fuck? I mean, just what the fuck? I’ll ignore for the moment that induction heating is one of the most common forms of cooking in the world, is used in millions of industrial applications, and has been with us since the early 1900’s. This just makes no sense at… all… oh wait. I get it. She’s got a bun in the oven, so suddenly she’s fucking ‘special’. Somehow she suddenly possesses the wisdom of the ancients, as does her mother probably, and every other fucking Chinese woman in the world. Oh no, it isn’t superstitious twaddle or the delusional rantings of a crazed mind, not when it is coming from the gob of a pregnant woman.

Personally, I would not tolerate that shit in my house for one fucking minute. Mrs MyLaowai had better not even think of trying that shit on with me, unless she has plans to be the next Mrs I-Just-Got-My-Ass-Beaten-Up. But hey, I’m a sensitive guy: I also give my workers an additional twenty minutes to have their little polliwogs, before they are required to be back on the production line.

I’m sure that somewhere here there is a moral for you to take away, but quite frankly I’m too disgusted to bother trying to find it. Perhaps it’s just: don’t impregnate a Chinese bird. Hell, don’t bother with them at all, by-and-large. And anyway, all babies look like Chairman Mao – fat, ugly, and always shitting everywhere. Why bother? Nope, if you insist on buying yourself a Chinese girlfriend or wife (and make no mistake about it, it is a financial transaction first and foremost, with a no-money-back guarantee), then for the love of all that you hold dear (beer, cars, guns, and sport), do not under any circumstances allow her to become infected with a baby.

Unless she is ‘special’, of course.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Food, Rules of the Road, Sex Sex Sex | 17 Comments »

Shenzhen Welcomes The World

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 12, 2011

From the South China Morning Post:

The airport will close, roads are blocked, banks and public services have been suspended for four days, and helicopters can be seen hovering above 20,000 paramilitary police sent to every corner of Shenzhen.

Taking every precaution imaginable, Shenzhen will kick off the World University Games, also known as the Universiade, today.

President Hu Jintao arrived in Shenzhen yesterday afternoon to attend the Games’ opening ceremony scheduled for today, Xinhua reported. But he may not have a chance to address many locals, as authorities announced that no tickets to the opening and closing ceremonies would be sold to the public.

As part of ramped-up security measures, Shenzhen Baoan International Airport will be closed for four hours from 7pm to 11pm during the opening and closing ceremonies scheduled for today and August 23, The Southern Metropolis News reported. With an average of 36 flights an hour handled at the airport, about 290 flights are expected to be affected by the closures.

Residents of luxurious apartments close to the stadium have been asked to leave their homes for five hours for security reasons during the opening ceremony, but to switch on the lights before they leave. Authorities said each household would be compensated for the power.

Additionally, more than 80,000 people deemed security risks have been kicked out of Shenzhen, and migrant workers have been warned not to petition, gather publicly or use any “abnormal methods” to seek unpaid salaries during the Games.

All these measures are Shenzhen’s way of welcoming the rest of the world. And the city no doubt took a cue from the way Beijing cracked down on potential risks ahead of the 2008 Olympics.

Posted in Media, Olympics | 6 Comments »

Your Donations – Hard at Work

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 8, 2011

Well folks, it isn’t often that I am genuinely emotional, but you’ve managed to move me to tears, you really have. The MyLaowai Charity Appeal is proving to be a wonderful success, with thousands of names rolling in from across the globe. From your Adam’s and Abigail’s, through the Noel’s and Oscar’s, and all the way to Zachary – you have done more for poor China in a week than China has managed in five thousand years alone!

Already, these names are being sorted, assigned, and despatched around the country, going to the needy and the nameless. Even as we speak, Liu’s and Chen’s are for the first time able to tell each other apart, and Zhang’s and Li’s can finally have some pride in themselves. We have heard stories – and seen for ourselves – Huang’s who never thought they could have a name of their own, suddenly enriched beyond their wildest dreams. And all this is due to you, who picked up the White Man’s Burden and gave generously to a cause not your own. I salute you all.

We decided it would be nice to follow one of the many names sent in, and see where it went. We picked one at random – it was ‘Alfonse Lickertwat‘. It turned out that this name was allocated to a poor, rural village somewhere in darkest Zhejiang, called Wenzhou (meaning “Shite Hills”, apparently). When we arrived, the entire town had turned out to welcome the arrival of The Name. The person destined to receive it, a twelve year old boy known only as Xiao Wang, was proudly front-and-centre with his parents, Wang Xiansheng and Wang Xiaojie. Here is little Wang, seen posing with his friends:

(From the left) Wang, Wang, Wang, Wang and Wang

Wang’s father, Wang, had this to say to our reporter: “Thank you very much. Now my son can earn a good living and care for us in the proper manner“. Wang’s mother, Wang, was nearly overcome, but unfortunately was able to say a few words anyway: “Oh, how wonderful! Now we will be the envy of all our neighbours whose children don’t have any real names! Thank you, thank, oh thanks you so much!”

Xiao Wang himself seemed a bit confused by all the attention, but the little tyke appeared to take it all in his stride. It wasn’t long before he was strutting through the streets, trying out his new name and generally showing off to all the other children. We have since heard that he has now been offered a place in the nearby school, No.47 Fireworks & Light Industrial Manufacturing Middle School and Happy Ending Massage Emporium.

So to you, my dear readers, I offer my thanks. It is your generosity that made this story, and many others like it, possible. Thank you.

Posted in Charity, Wang Xiansheng | 16 Comments »

‘Super Typhoon’ Muifa – My Arse

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Chinese have been calling it a ‘Super Typhoon’. I call it ‘a normal day at the seaside in any normal country’. But, as usual, the international press have been buying into the story – hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, fisherman, and pier. The dozy, lazy fucks.

230,000 people evacuated in Zhejiang province alone? Really? Seems a lot. But wait, because didn’t the so-called ‘Super Typhoon’ strike on a weekend? When all the kids were home from school? Oh yes, so I guess the kids that didn’t go to school could be considered to be ‘evacuated’. I mean, if you were a lazy fucking reporter who likes Communist Party headlines, that is.

Thirty-five fishing boats missing? Try ‘a few fisherman were at the KTV getting their knob scrubbed and the rest were arrested by the Japanese Coast Guard for illegal fishing’. But hey, another good headline, right?

Seventy-five flights cancelled out of Shanghai? True, actually. But I know for a fact that wind speeds at the airport in question were barely sufficient to fly a kite. Makes for a better story if we just use the Communist Party line though, right guys?

“Stock up on emergency supplies of food, water, and cash in case of storm-related power outages,” we are told. Well, that happens every day in China. Power outages are as common as people shitting on the footpath. But not because of storms; because of the need to keep thousands of empty buildings fully lit at all times in an attempt to keep from losing face.

It’s bad enough that the Chinese are scared of their own shadows, and terrified of the prospect of any rain cleaning the dirt from their filthy bodies. It’ s far worse when Western news agencies report the same old tired headlines without bothering to check their facts. It’s disgraceful when they are content to re-use decades-old footage showing the same bunch of soldiers building the same sandbag dykes in the same overflowing rivers.

I’m writing this from the worst-affected part of East China, and I’m doing so from my balcony, whilst sipping a gin & tonic. Wind? A very mild, cooling breeze. Rain? Nope – and although the Aston did catch a few drops during the night, it wasn’t enough to wash the dust off, so my coolie had better get a move on and wash the thing properly if he doesn’t want another beating.

‘Super Typhoon’ my arse.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | 8 Comments »

MyLaowai Charity Update

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 4, 2011

*** The MyLaowai Charity Appeal – Read All About It Here ***

Posted in Charity | Leave a Comment »

MyLaowai Charity Update

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 2, 2011

*** The MyLaowai Charity Appeal – Read All About It Here ***

Posted in Charity | 3 Comments »

MyLaowai Charity Appeal

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Some people just have it easy, I guess. Take people from Britain (the only country that is Great), for example: there are hundreds of thousands of family names in use. Or the United States of Awesome (as they refer to themselves), which is home to even more, although I am the first to admit that some of them are a bit weird and quite a lot are Spanish. Yup, when it comes to family names, some places are blessed indeed. And it’s the same for first names – hell, most countries have so many names available that many parents are able to give their children a middle name as well! I even knew a bloke who had two middle names!

But not everyone is so fortunate. If you’re Hebrew (which is Phoenician), for instance, then you don’t have any written vowels. Which sucks, quite frankly. It sucks bad. Why? Because you are very limited in the names you have available to you. Sorry about that. But it isn’t any better if you’re Welsh, because then you not only have no vowels, you also come from Wales. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. Sixty-eight percent of all Russians are called “Boris“, “Mikhail“, “Svetlana“, “Viktoria“, “Olga“, “Ekaterina“, “Yuliya“, or “Alina“. Some Eastern European countries are in fact so short of vowels that the citizens have to queue for days just to get temporary use of one, and their governments impose rationing and tight restrictions on how they can be used, in order to prevent unnecessary wear and tear.

On the other hand, being poor isn’t always a bad thing, and even the poorest people in these poor nations can usually make do with improvised names. What may appear to you and I to be a collection of letters left over at the end of a game of Scrabble, might very well be used by an imaginative Welshman or Pole to create a proper family name, for instance.

But the people I really feel sorry for, the ones who really do have a problem with an under-supply of names, are the Chinese. A billion-and-a-half of the blighters, and the merest handful of names shared between the lot of them. Most villages are so short of family names that they all share the same one, which is nice if you don’t want to have to change your name when you get married (to your cousin, for instance), but it can be a real problem otherwise. Even the very rich are gripped in the poverty of not having enough names to go around: if you are a Li, Chen, Huang, Zhang, Wang, Chou or Liu, then you know what I’m talking about. And if you are Chinese, then you are a Li, Chen, Huang, Zhang, Wang, Chou or Liu, because those are your only choices.

It’s not a lot better for first names, either. In fact, it’s even worse. Chinese people don’t have any first names. Their parents (or the Party) simply name them after the first thing that pops into their tiny minds, such as “Ice Ice” or “Defend The Country” or “Gold Set” for instance. In desperation, many Chinese people use English words to give themselves an approximation of identity or uniqueness – “Volcano”, for instance, or “Lily”, “Echo”, and even “Potato” are all common. Names that would be used by strippers in Las Vegas are all-too-common as well, but perhaps there’s another reason for that.

We in the mighty West sometimes forget how fortunate we are. We have an abundance, a surfeit, a vast plethora, a giant, swelling, rich prosperousness of names – easily enough for everyone. Enough for everyone to have three, five, eight, as many, in fact, as we can remember. Just ask “Adolph Blaine Charles Daivid Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quiney Randolph Sherman Uncas William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorft Senior“, if you don’t believe me.

The people of poor China, however, are not so fortunate, and it is our moral obligation, our solemn duty, to help them. Let us, therefore, once again take up the White Man’s Burden and bring Enlightenment to the Dark Places of the world. MyLaowai is calling on you to donate names for the Chinese to use. We are not asking you to give until it hurts, only what you can spare and won’t miss. Be honest folks, we all have enough, indeed we have more than enough. Show why it is that we are better than anyone else by giving generously in this most worthy of causes.

Thank you. Thank you so much.


Posted in Charity | 13 Comments »