Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for June, 2007

He Says, They Say…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 30, 2007

I find sometimes, that it’s helpful to put quotations into perspective:

In China, we don’t have software blocking Internet sites. Sometimes we have trouble accessing them. But that’s a different problem… I’m sure I don’t know why people say this kind of thing. We do not have restrictions at all… Some people say that there are journalists in China that have been arrested. We have hundreds of journalists in China, and some of them have legal problems. It has nothing to do with freedom of expression.

– Chinese Government Official

This is a list of notable websites blocked in the People’s Republic of China. This list includes websites that are specifically blocked in one or more regions of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) under the country’s policy of Internet censorship. Websites that are only blocked in particular institutions (e.g. universities) or are inaccessible because of packet filtering (and hence may be only partially or sporadically blocked) are not included in this list.

This list does not apply to the special administrative regions of Hong Kong and Macau, which have their own legal systems.

Media

  • BBC News (news.bbc.co.uk), the main BBC site (www.bbc.co.uk) is not blocked
  • Boxun News (www.boxun.com)
  • CBS (www.cbs.com)
  • China Digital Times (chinadigitaltimes.net)
  • China Times (www.chinatimes.com.tw)
  • The Epoch Times (epochtimes.com)
  • People’s Radio Hong Kong (www.prhk.org)
  • Radio Canada International (www.rcinet.ca)
  • Radio Free Asia (www.rfa.org)
  • Radio Taiwan International (www.rti.org.tw)
  • Sing Tao Daily (www.singtao.com)
  • TVBS (www.tvbs.com.tw)
  • United Nations News (www.unitednationsnews.com)
  • Voice of America (www.voa.gov)
  • World Journal (www.worldjournal.com)
  • Yazhou Zhoukan (www.yzzk.com)

Blogging/web hosting services

  • Flickr image servers (farm1.static.flickr.com, farm2.static.flickr.com)
  • LiveJournal (www.livejournal.com)
  • Tripod (www.tripod.lycos.com)
  • Technorati (www.technorati.com)
  • WordPress.com (www.wordpress.com)
  • Xanga (www.xanga.com)
  • Blogspot blogs
  • TypePad blogs

Non-governmental organizations

  • Amnesty International (www.amnesty.org)
  • Human Rights Watch (www.hrw.org)
  • Reporters Without Borders (www.rsf.org)
  • Students for a Free Tibet (studentsforafreetibet.org)

Governments and political parties

  • Central Tibetan Administration (www.tibet.net, http://www.tibet.com)
  • Democratic Party of Hong Kong (www.dphk.org)
  • Democratic Progressive Party (www.dpp.org.tw)
  • Kuomintang (www.kmt.org.tw)


Online games

  • Particracy (www.particracy.net)

Miscellaneous

  • The Gate of Heavenly Peace companion website (www.tsquare.tv)
  • Morning Sun companion website (www.morningsun.org)

(Source: Wikipedia)

This guy has the right idea: The Block China Petition

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Posted in Censorship, Lies & Damned Lies, Media | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

This Is Your Life, Wang XianSheng. Part 1.

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, June 28, 2007

This is Wang. The result of an indiscretion between his mother and one of her ‘friends’, he is still in the womb. Not yet born, much of his life has already been mapped out for him. He will not ever have a true friend, will never know trust. He will not marry for love, nor even understand the concept. Though he may travel to other countries, he will never understand anything about the people who live there. He will never think thoughts that are truly his own. He will never appreciate art or poetry, will never understand philosophy, will never read a book for pleasure. And though he will spend virtually all of his life in the company of others, he will live out his existence completely alone.

Wang is not unusual, there are nearly a billion and a half other people just like him. He is a product of his society, and this is his life…

Wang is born in a hospital. Though he doesn’t realise it, this is the greatest triumph he will ever experience. Just to get to this point, his mother has had to lie about his conception to her husband, the man whom he will soon be calling “baba”. He will, of course, never know the identity of his biological father. Wang is also fortunate in that his parents don’t already have a child, so his birth was merely a matter of getting Party approval, and he can expect to be taken home rather than being abandoned in a public washroom on the way home.

Wang’s parents are not rich, but neither are they paupers, and Wang will never want for anything that money can buy. He will also have plenty of attention: parents, grandparents, uncles and aunties, will all devote themselves to him. He will seldom be scolded, no matter the misdeed, and he will grow up knowing he is the centre of the universe. For now, though, he is struggling to learn who his parents are. His grandparents have taken control of his life, have selected his name, and are making the decisions. His mother will soon stop feeding him and then his life will be in the hands of the people who make the milk powder. This is a dangerous time for him – many babies have died from the lack of nutrition – but with luck he will make it to solid food.

Wang is never required to move. Indeed, he is unable to do so. Swaddled in numerous blankets and always hot, his arms are pinned to his sides and only his genitals and face see the light. For the next few years, he will not need to learn to walk, and will be carried everywhere by his grandmother.

Three years old, Wang attends kindergarten. Wang is a clever boy, and curious about the world. This does not endear him to his teachers, who frequently shout at him or hit him on the back of the head. At least once a week, he is locked inside a closet and at sleep time, he is tied to his cot so that he will not play with the toys. His parents never ask him about his day, and although they give him expensive toys to play with at home, they don’t take the time to play with him themselves. Wang is starting to learn how to be a ‘good’ boy.

Seven years old now, Wang is at primary school. A quick learner, he does well at political theory and can recite all the Dynasty’s of China. He is aware that there are other countries in the world, but has never been taught their names, only that they are against China. Wang has also learned how to lie, and does so whenever there is a chance to get a classmate into trouble. He feels justified in this, because many of them lie to get him into trouble, too. He does not enjoy sports, but he is learning the violin at his mother’s insistence. Wang’s teachers have noted in his file that he has great potential, partly because he does, and partly because his father was generous with the money at Spring Festival.

At the age of twelve, Wang has a major argument with his father, who refuses to buy him a new bicycle. Wang tells his teacher that his father is against the Party, and the School Party Secretary notes this in his file. Wang is made Class Captain, and his father does not receive an expected promotion. His fathers’ mistress leaves him in disgust, and his wife makes his life a living hell. Despite the abusive atmosphere inside the home, however, appearances are kept up in public, and Wang remains the centre of the universe.

Eighteen years of age and Wang is accepted into university. He does well in the mandatory Political Theory, but his other grades are not so good. He wants to study Marketing, but his father wants him to be an Engineer, so engineering it is. He really doesn’t understand much of it, but there’s no question of failing to leave university with a BSc, as long as his father keeps making donations to his professors.

In his second year of university, Wang meets a foreign student named Sarah. She is the most beautiful woman Wang has ever seen, she actually seems to like him too, and he is determined to marry her. When he announces his plan to his parents, however, the gloves come off. How dare he disgrace his family like that? Does he not care about his family’s face? Does he not know that foreigner girls are immoral and have AIDS? Wang is shattered, but his family are right. Wang stops seeing Sarah, and his family starts looking for a more suitable girl.

Twenty four years old, having graduated university with a BSc, Wang is working for a State-owned company. His work is not demanding, and he has plenty of opportunities for graft. He is also getting married to a girl his parents have found for him. Her family have some influence and he has them to thank for his new job. The girl in question is not attracted to him, nor he to her, but both sets of parents are in favour, so that is that. After they get married, she will live with Wang, his parents, and his grandmother.

Twenty five now, and Wang is told by his mother that it is time he had a son. Wang doesn’t want a child, but duty is duty. The only problem is, Wang is still a virgin. His wife displays all the enthusiasm of a dead cod, and he has only the vaguest notion of what is involved. Wang purchases a ‘yellow’ DVD and watches it for clues, and that night he and his wife finally consummate their marriage. It’s not particularly satisfying for either of them, but Wang has lost his virginity now and feels on top of the world. His wife, who lost her virginity many years ago, at least has her other lover to entertain her.

Twenty six and Wang’s wife is pregnant. Unfortunately, the doctor says it could be a girl. It’s an easy decision to make, so they opt for an abortion and try again. Later the same year, they are rewarded with good news, and this time it’s probably a boy.

Wang’s wife has become very loving – her lover left her when she became pregnant and now she needs to do her part in her husbands’ bed. For her, though, there is some good news – Wang’s grandmother has finally died, so not only has the amount of housework been reduced, she also gets a morning off work to attend the funeral.

Twenty seven and Wang Junior is born. Wang is at a KTV at the time. He has been spending a lot of time at this particular KTV lately, because one of the girls who works there is in love with him. Well, she says that she is, anyway. Wang buys her many presents and he hopes one day she will have sex with him. For now, though, it’s enough that she plays dice games with him and pours his drinks. Yes, she really is special.

To be continued…

*** Part 2 *** Part 3 ***

Posted in Wang Xiansheng | Tagged: , | 11 Comments »

Dear Dad…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 16, 2007

My old man is a decent bloke. He’s one of those chaps who deeply, sincerely believes in the goodness and downright humanity of all people, everywhere. That belief has cost him a few times, when people with a little less goodness and humanity than average have taken advantage of his better nature, but by and large it’s a belief that has seen him right and won him many friends. Despite not being particularly religious, he’s a better Christian than most Christians will ever be, and kudos to him for it.

I used to feel much the same way. As I’ve stated elsewhere, I used to believe that all people were all basically the same, that all parents wanted a better life for their kids than they had themselves, that education was the key to progress, that when you smiled at people, the vast majority would smile back, that love really was the most basic human emotion.

And then I came to the People’s Republic of Cheats China.

I was chatting to my dad the other day on the phone – always a bit tricky, due to the difference in time zones (he lives 5 hours and 5,000 years ahead of China). Anyway, he happened to mention that he’d taken a look at this blog, and he’d been a bit unimpressed. Essentially, he thought it was just a bunch of people complaining about things for the sake of it. I pondered that for quite some time. Is that what we all seem to sound like? Sure, we complain, but isn’t it at least possible that there’s something to it all? What would it take, short of actually living here, to even begin to understand what is really going on in this Evil Empire?

Well, dad, this post is dedicated to you.

1. Do you remember a couple of months back, when you asked about the weather here in Shanghai? I think I replied something to the effect that it was a bit chilly, but not raining. Well, dad, I really shouldn’t have done that. You see, by telling you the current weather, I was in violation of both the 1988 Law on the Protection of State Secrets, and the 1990 Measures for Implementing the Law on the Protection of State Secrets. I can be dragged out of my home in the middle of the night by plainclothed thugs and made to disappear for that. Or I could simply be kept under house arrest without charge indefinitely.

New regulations to take effect next year will clamp down on the illegal acquisition of Chinese meteorological information by foreigners.

The China Meteorological Administration (CMA) has identified about 20 breaches of weather security since 2000, the paper said.

“Illegal meteorological surveys and data collection have infringed China’s sovereignty… and threatened the country’s security,” the paper quoted CMA Vice Minister Zheng Guogang as saying.

– China Daily, 2006

2. Of course, I’m not likely to really get into trouble for telling you the weather, am I? That would be silly. On the other hand, by telling you that the weather is a State Secret, I am in violation of the State Secrets Law. Boy, I’m really racking up the charges now, ain’t I?

According to New York-based Human Rights in China, the world’s most populous country needs to come up with a clear definition of what it considers to be a state secret, The Los Angeles Times reported.

In a study released Tuesday, Human Rights in China said citizens in China have been thrown into jail for mailing newspaper clippings, defending displaced tenants and writing a doctoral thesis using 50-year-old library records.

A Chinese woman whose son was imprisoned for revealing state secrets said the lack of a clear definition means they can call anything they want a state secret, the Times said.

“It’s a conspiracy. They can use these at will to punish people,” Gao Quinsheng said in the article.

3. Of course, it all sounds a bit, well, dramatic, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not the Cold War any longer, and we’re all friends now in this harmonious new world, aren’t we? Surely China has a right to look after its’ own interests, and anyway, there are plenty of laws to protect people. The Constitution certainly does.

Tell that to my friend, a lawyer who took on a class action against the Shanghai Municipal Government, on behalf of residents who had been illegally evicted from their homes. Their homes were demolished and the land use rights sold to property developers. He won his case, the first time in history that the Chinese Communist Party has lost a court case on its own turf. And then, a week later, my friend was bundled into a police car whilst walking down the street, and sent to the Laogai. Because the Laogai system is extra-judicial, there was no trial, no appeal, and little hope of survival. His family weren’t informed of this for some time. A large number of people gathered to protest (many of whom were the residents on whose behalf he had taken on the court case). Some twenty of them were taken away, too. They haven’t been heard of since. Oh yes, and the same week the ruling judge overturned his own verdict and exonerated the Shanghai Government.

4. But let us not concern ourselves with isolated events. Sure, there are a few unfortunate cases, but by and large China is a peaceful nation and the Party is working hard to improve the condition of the people. Right? I mean, yes, they have annexed Tibet, East Turkestan, and half of Mongolia, and they did invade India, Vietnam, and Korea, not to mention initiating hostilities against Russia and the UN, and supported (financially and materially) revolutionary and anti-government groups in literally dozens of countries. And sure, they were the force behind the Khmer Rouge, and have supplied weapons and intelligence to Osama Bin Laden, Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic, and various groups in the Sudan and elsewhere (and there’s always Taiwan to consider)… BUT, that’s all history, yes?

No. The Chinese Communist Party has an ambitious buying program underway for the Red Army, which includes Improved Kilo SSK’s and Sovremennyy DDG’s armed with SS-N-22 Moskit (‘Sunburn’) ramjet-powered supersonic cruise missiles (to which no defence yet exists). There are new main battle tanks, new mobile artillery, and a brand spanking new airforce that includes SU-27’s, SU-27SK’s, SU-30MK’s, and the new J-10’s. Look ’em up on Google, dad, they are rather impressive. They are developing their own aircraft carriers, and have already purchased the aircraft that will fly off them. There is a new generation of ballistic missile submarines (the 094) entering service now, armed with the DF-31 ballistic missiles (8,000 Km range, MIRV’d warheads). Not that they did it all on their own, the Los Alamos facility all but admitted that every one of their warhead designs were stolen by Chinese spies. Add to this list a manned space program operated for and by the military and the worlds largest army (1.7 million men under arms, which does not include other armed services such as the Peoples Armed Police or the Public Security Forces). What they don’t have is a functional healthcare system, social security net, or many of the other things countries that care about their people seem to have.

5. All well and good, but they wouldn’t actually use any of that hardware, would they? According to Major General Zhu Chenghu, they would:

China should use nuclear weapons against the United States if the American military intervenes in any conflict over Taiwan, a senior Chinese military official has said.

“If the Americans draw their missiles and position-guided ammunition on to the target zone [China or Taiwan], I think we will have to respond with nuclear weapons.”

In extensive comments, Zhu said he believed that the Chinese government was under internal pressure to change its “no first use” policy and to make clear that it would employ the most powerful weapons at its disposal to defend its claim over Taiwan.

Many military analysts have assumed that any battle over Taiwan would be localized, with both China and the United States taking care to ensure that it would not expand into a general war between the two powers, but the comments by Zhu suggest that at least some elements of the military are prepared to widen the conflict.

“If the Americans are determined to interfere, then we will be determined to respond,” he said. “We Chinese will prepare ourselves for the destruction of all the cities east of Xian. Of course the Americans will have to be prepared that hundreds of cities will be destroyed by the Chinese.”

Zhu’s threat is not the first of its kind from a senior Chinese military official. In 1995, Xiong Guangkai, who is now the deputy chief of the general staff of the People’s Liberation Army, told Chas Freeman, a former Pentagon official, that China would consider using nuclear weapons in a Taiwan conflict. Freeman quoted Xiong as saying that Americans should worry more about Los Angeles than Taipei.

Add to that the fact that they recently “blinded a U.S. satellite using a ground-based laser, and blasted one of its own satellites out of orbit with a ballistic missile”, not to mention what they are currently doing to the people in Tibet and East Turkestan…

6. But how do the Chinese people feel about this? That question was asked recently by the BBC. There were many replies, most slightly muted and not as extreme as we who live here hear. These were among the conclusions of the non-Chinese who saw the programme:

I see all these opinions from people of Chinese origin and they confirm my fears. They are not interested in a peaceful China, a tolerant China, a democratic and liberal China, they want to see the superpower, the best country in the world throwing its weight around and bullying the rest of the world. It seems to me that they want an imperialistic China as much as they detest any western superpower. Not good, not good at all.

The future will indeed be a scary place as China will likely be another superpower. A superpower that is undemocratic and has no respect for human rights. A nation that is getting stronger economically and militarily every day.

After speaking with many young Chinese people overseas, I was astonished by the amazing effect of nationalistic propaganda imposed on the new generation. Any criticism towards the communist party is regarded by them as an attack on the people and nation of China. The Chinese communist party has reinforced its grasp of power very well after putting down the massive democratic movement of 1989. I believe the students had good intentions 15 years ago but were overly naïve and hasty. The movement achieved exactly the opposite of its goals: Even if the government at the time was starting to slowly concede more political freedom to the people, it certainly changed its mind in 1989 and decided instead to re-educate the youths to ensure that such challenges to the absolute authority of the Party never happened again.

Amen.

7. And here I have to say, I lack the will to go on. Mind you, y’know the saying about a picture being worth a thousand words? Well I’ve written just under two thousand words here, but they cannot capture the Spirit Of China nearly as well as the following picture of a Police vehicle:

070616shotdead.jpg

‘If you ride a motorcycle [use a vehicle] to rob [commit a crime],
You’ll be shot to death on the spot’

If, after all this, you remain unconvinced, then all I can do is tell you that, whilst these people think chicken claws and rats intestines is good food, they hate both Marmite and Vegemite. And that should be enough to convince anyone!

Posted in Censorship, Corruption, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies | Tagged: , | 12 Comments »

Please Allow Me To Introduce…

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 4, 2007

Laird Keir.

Can’t drink the water. Can’t breathe the air. Site of a massacre by its dictatorship which thinks people are too stupid to vote but any idiot can drive through red lights and spit everywhere. Yes, Beijing would be a perfect site for the Olympics….

Posted in Media | Tagged: | 7 Comments »

The Finest Blog Post I Have Ever Read

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 2, 2007

The staggering magnificence of China

It is almost beyond belief: China is in its blossom and no sight could be more gorgeous. As you walk the streets of its capital, there is a wonderful mood of joy and optimism, even invincibility. The restaurants are crowded, and smiling, well-dressed people seem to be everywhere. Who would believe that not that many years ago this nation was suffering from seemingly insurmountable upheavals and crises, political, social and economic –all swept away by a focused, strong and determined leadership the likes of which the nation (and the world) had never seen before?

Yes, people who were here just 10 years ago and who are returning for the first time are calling it a miracle, and indeed it is. This is an engine that simply cannot be slowed, let alone stopped. And it all came about thanks to the vision of one man and one party that knew exactly where China should go and how it should get there. From an isolated and humiliated nation, China has emerged as a true superpower.

The transition hasn’t been easy nor has it always been gentle. The truth is, to keep the momentum going and achieve its high goals, the government has had to be strict. At times, protestors have been dealt with harshly, and many were imprisoned. But when you have an entire nation to watch over, it is simply impractical and impossible to allow dissent and criticism to get in the way. And the Chinese people agree. This is their day in the sun, and they have expressed a sincere love of their government, a love that is utterly without precedent. They have simply never known such success, such glory.

Some on the outside have complained about the persecution of “unfriendly” religious groups, and even acts of violence against them. That cannot be denied, but I’m sure it will improve. Many Chinese see these groups as dangeorus cults, and are only too happy to see them dealt with firmly and efficiently. But these are little things, far overshadowed by the greatness of the economy and all of the benefits it brings.

Some have also said that government spending is behind much of the prosperity. This is true to a certain extent, but other nations have dipped into the state coffers before, and as the economy grows the debts will be paid. The massive spending is worthwhile and will bear results.

As proof of just how high China’s star has soared, the country has been chosen to host the Olympics! Can you believe it, looking back at the relative chaos of 20 years ago? How fast and how explosive this growth has been! The Olympics – this gives China and its regime a patina of respectability and validation like nothing else could. It is a sign of international respect and has elevated national pride to new pinnacles.

Possibly the most extraordinary aspect of the new China is the sheer irrepressible optimism of the people. They are boisterous and proud. They can do anything, they can even help make China a master of the world! They know about the criticisms of the government, the charges of suppression, but it’s water off a duck’s back.

Now is a very, very good time to be Chinese, and they respect the rules. China is a country of laws. You understand and respect the need to not call for changes in the government or to stir up trouble. Yes, the government is everywhere and watches everything, but it’s a tiny price to pay for its pulling China up by its bootstraps. And as long as you mind your own affairs and leave the government free to do its vital business, your prosperity will continue.

So let’s give China in the year 2007 all of the praise and recognition it deserves.

But wait a minute. There is one big lie in the tribute above: It is not about China and it has nothing to do with the year 2007.

It is all about Nazi Germany in the year 1936. Every word. Go back and see. Just substitute Germany for China and Germans for Chinese.

So what’s the point? Only to point out the irony of how something that seemed so picture-perfect in 1936 not long afterward was perceived as something very different. Some of us who are critical of right-wing regimes tend to allow the glare of China’s successes to blind us to the inequities and iniquities inherent to any police state. I was blinded about it myself for some years. I am not drawing any direct comparisons of the CCP to the Nazis, tempting though it may be. The CCP is at least showing dramatic signs of continuing reform. But there are still interesting historical parallels.

Meanwhile, I want to see China continue to grow and prosper, because I care a lot about the people there. Looking at all that prosperity and success, it is so easy to forget that it’s a country still in the iron grip of tyranny. You wouldn’t know that from the smiling faces and jubilant mood in Beijing and Shanghai. But it is.

The Peking Duck

I’ve been saying the same thing myself… But not nearly so well.

Posted in Human Rights, Media, Olympics | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Virgin on the Ridiculous

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, June 1, 2007

I’m constantly amazed at all the fuss over Jesus Christ. I mean, sure he was a humble furniture manufacturer who hit the big time, and gained access to foreign markets long before the WTO. Yes, he had a great marketing department, and that helped. But it seems to me, that the big reason why he is such a superstar, is the simple fact that his mother was a virgin at the time she conceived.

Big whoops. It happens in China all the time.

Most couples seem to get married around Spring Festival, which varies from February to March as a rule. They do this for what is described as luck and fortune, but in reality it probably has more to do with the number of times the moon flies around the country or somesuch. The key thing, the really important, crucial thing, is that all Chinese girls are ‘Traditional’, which means they all remain virgins until married, and only take it up the stove pipe when shagging around with Johnny Whiteboy.

And now, just three short months after getting married (but nearing nine months after the October holiday), they are preparing to spawn their first litter.

Virgin at time of marriage, sprogs falling out three or four months later… Sounds like a clear-cut case of immaculate conception to me.

Mrs MyLaowai has a sister, and she’s officially Up The Duff. I’m not saying it was a case of Immaculate Conception, though the the phrase ‘shotgun wedding’ does hover on the edge of conscious thought. Anyway, being pregnant and Chinese, she is required to attend pregnancy classes at the local ‘Community Centre’. Mrs MyLaowai went along with her to one of these classes, and this is the first thing she heard the Instructor say:

“Many Chinese think eating fruit is good for the baby’s skin. But they are wrong. In Africa, there’s a lot of fruit growing in the jungle, but the babies all have very bad skin because it is black.”

I shit ye not.

It all got me thinking about the kinds of advice that expectant mothers need to hear. What to eat, how to live, that kind of thing. So, for the benefit of any poor, uncivilised foreigner mothers out there, here’s:

The Official Pregnant Mother Guide With Chinese Characteristics.

1. Wear a lead-lined apron to shield your baby from harmful radiation emanating from the computer monitors at work. If your employer is a foreigner, he should pay for it, as he is a guest in this country.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the photocopier, as the intense radiation could harm your baby’s healthy.

3. Do not watch TV, as it could damage your baby’s eyes.

4. Do not touch cold meat, as it will lead to severe arthritis in later life.

5. Find either a good recipe for Afterbirth Soup, or a rich customer.

6. Practise squatting a lot. It is not only the natural position for giving birth, but means you are able to do so without stepping away from your assembly line. Most Chinese employers will permit you five minutes in which to give birth, provided you keep your industrial output to within 85% of normal.

7. Eat plenty of fish heads. It will make the baby smart, and the thalidomide, mercury, and other vitamins will ensure that your abdomen doesn’t grow painfully large in the third trimester.

8. Ensure that when your parents select a name for your baby, they choose one that is not only legal, but also appropriate. Some good examples could be:
– Serve The Party
– Victorious People’s Army
– Ice Ice *
– Cube Cube *
– Sun In Sky
– Spring Season
– Oh Look, I Just Saw A Bird
– I Want Eat Lunch
– Volcano
– Killer Angel
– Lily

  • But never Ice Cube. That would be silly.

Please note that only traditional Chinese names are legal in China. Any attempt to give your baby a foreigner name will result in the PSB denying your baby official status. That means no hospital, no school, no welfare. Honestly, this is true.

9. After giving birth, don’t look at the baby. If you do, you may find yourself experiencing strange feelings known as ‘maternal compassion’. A better idea, is for your husband’s family to take the baby away for the first six months or so. If it’s a boy, you’ll get your chance in six months. It’s much better for all concerned.

10. Do not, under any circumstances, breast feed your baby if it can possibly be avoided. China produces more than enough plaster of paris baby formula. Furthermore, while you are sitting around at home playing with your breasts, the Nation is losing valuable production. You wouldn’t want to be an Enemy of the Revolution, would you?

Follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. Oh, seeing as how today is June 1st, happy International Spoiled Bastard With Nintendo Day International OnlyOneChild Day

Happy International (but only in China) Children’s Day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »