Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for August, 2007

A True History of the P.R.C.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 27, 2007

October 1st, 1949
Just four years after the end of the Second World War, the first Brave Chinese emerges from hiding under his bed. His name is Mao Zedong (lit. Hairy Fat Bastard). Unopposed by either the Government or the military (none of whom have been seen since the first Japanese tourist set foot in China back in 1937), Mao proclaims to the world:

“China has stood up! Actually, we stood up quite quickly, and now our head is a bit dizzy. We’re going to sit down again now, but we’ll probably have another go at it in fifty years or so, after we’ve had a bit of a rest.”

Mao, realising the true greatness of the Chinese Spirit, immediately orders the formation of a New Model Army* (TM) (*available only in Red), and the invasion of both East Turkestan and Mongolia. The fighting is fierce and at times it looks as though the Red Army might lose, but in the end the fact that neither East Turkestan nor Mongolia are in possession of any soldiers, weapons, or indeed anything more dangerous than a punnet of yak butter, proves to be decisive. Chinese scholars immediately discover a map showing that “…these regions have always been a part of China since ancient times”.

The new Chinese National Flag is described by Mao as representing ‘New Democracy‘, with the large star symbolizing the Communist Party of China’s leadership, and the surrounding four smaller stars symbolizing the Bloc of Four Classes: proletarian workers, peasants, petty bourgeoisie, and the nationally-based capitalists. Foreign groups such as Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge, Peru’s Shining Path, the New People’s Army of the Philippines, and the Maoist Communist Party of India, later agree that Mao was on to a good thing.

1950
Mao, realising the continuing true greatness of the Chinese Spirit, orders the invasion of Tibet. The fighting is fierce and at times it looks as though the Red Army might lose, but in the end the fact that Tibet is not in possession of any soldiers, weapons, or indeed anything more dangerous than a prayer wheel, proves to be decisive. Chinese scholars immediately discover a map showing that “…this region has always been a part of China since ancient times”.

Later the same year, a People’s Volunteer Army* (*note complete non-resemblance to, or any affiliation with, the People’s Liberation Army), march across the Sino-Korean border in order to take part in the Aid Korea, Fight America Campaign. This, too, is a huge success, with nearly 54,000 Evil Capitalist Running Dogs killed at a cost of only a million or so Volunteers KIA.

1951
Mao launches the Three Anti’s Movement, in which the people are liberated from the evils of money, food, and independent thought. The people, freed from their burdens, rush to work every morning in labour camps all over the country.

The last Oppressive Foreign Capitalist Running Dogs are thrown out of the (now much-enlarged-since-ancient-times) country, and their (stolen) property nationalised in the name of the Chinese Communist Party. Mao celebrates with a hundred young girls and a few young boys, and declares that “…there is no prostitution in China”. Shanghai, formerly known as ‘The Whore of the Orient’, is renamed ‘The Keen Amateur Cadre Who Works In The Barbershop Around The Corner of the Orient’.

1952
Following the runaway success of the Three Anti’s Movement, Mao launches the Five Anti’s Movement, in which the people are liberated from the evils of money, food, independent thought, their homes, and their children. The program is a hugely popular one, with over 15,000 trained propagandists working in Shanghai alone. As many as 18,000 confessions of sin are made in the first week of February 1952, and 210,000 by the end of the first month. Some big companies voluntarily make 1,000 confessions a day. The owner of the Dahua copper company originally over-confesses to having illegally obtained 50 million yuan. His employees encourage him to confess to greater crimes, however, and he re-confesses to having obtained a staggering 2 billion yuan, a sum greater than the entire Gross Domestic Product, and nearly enough to purchase a decent steak meal somewhere in Texas.

The [insert random number here] Anti’s Movement concept works so well, in fact, that repeat performances are scheduled to be given to receptive audiences for the next five decades:

1953 New Three-Anti Campaign
1957 Party Rectification
1957-1958 Anti-Rightist Movement
1961 Re-education of Party Members
1963-1964 New Five-Anti Campaign
1964 Party Rectification
1964-1966 Socialist Education
1969 Party Rectification
1981 Anti-Bourgeois Liberalization
1982 Anti-Corruption, Anti-Economic Crimes
1983 Party Rectification, Anti-Spiritual Pollution
1983-1987 Party Rectification
1987 Anti-Bourgeois Liberalism
1987-1988 Against Bourgeois Liberalism
1989 Against Bourgeois Liberalism
1989-1992 Anti-Corruption Drive
1993-2000 Anti-Corruption Campaign

1954-1955
The Red Army seizes the Taiwanese-owned Yijiangshan Islands, forcing Taiwan to abandon the Yachen Islands. Mao orders the Red Army to begin shelling Taiwanese positions on the Quemoy and Matsu Islands. His order to “…fire continuously every waking moment that you are not eating” is taken seriously by his military commanders, and as many as five rounds are shot every weekday, except during National Holidays, when the soldiers are forced to work weekends as well. The Red Army eventually loses interest, after also losing well over 20,000 soldiers and almost all it’s landing craft. Mao doesn’t even notice, as he is distracted by a fly.

1956
WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in Burma. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Burmese demands for an apology go unreported in China.

1958
The Great Leap Forward is announced, the stated aim of which is to enable China to quickly overtake Great Britain and the United States in the production of shoddy, unsellable goods, and worthless, unusable pig-iron. The Leap is a complete success, and forty-two million people celebrate by voluntarily starving themselves to death. General Peng Dehuai, Supreme Commander of the People’s Volunteer Army and Defense Minister, mistakenly mentions that he isn’t convinced by the economic benefits, but later comes to realise his mistake and beats himself to death in 1974.

In other news, the Red Army resumes shelling of the Quemoy and Matsu Islands, as a prelude to the invasion of Taiwan. Failing to make any headway, Mao issues a ‘Message to the Compatriots in Taiwan’, calling for a peaceful solution to the ‘Taiwan Issue’ and asking for all Chinese to unite against the “American plot to divide China”. Sporadic shelling continues until 1979.

1959
Mao steps down as Chairman of the Party, saying that he wants to concentrate on his writing. His ‘Little Red Book’, he says, isn’t what the publishers are looking for at this time, and all the Chairmaning work doesn’t leave him enough time for any of his wives or children. He names Liu Shaoqi his successor.

1960
WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in India. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Indian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

1962-1963
WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves again against foreign aggression in India. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are again taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all this time, either. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is also not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Indian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

1966
The Cultural Revolution, which never actually happened at all, ever, not even a little bit, we don’t know what you’re talking about, nothing to see here, doesn’t actually begin. The Central People’s Broadcasting Station doesn’t set up over seventy million hate-propaganda speakers all over the country, on every street and in every neighbourhood, and the non-existent Cultural Revolution Group doesn’t issue a statement saying:

“Chairman Mao is a genius, everything the Chairman says is truly great; one of the Chairman’s words will override the meaning of tens of thousands of ours.”

Tens of millions of young people are not there at the time. They are probably away visiting their aunts in the country or something. Millions of students don’t form gangs to torture and kill their teachers and professors, nurses and medical students don’t drown doctors in toilet effluent, not one single young person denounces his or her parents for any reason at all. Liu Shaoqi’s death is an unfortunate case of accidentally torturing himself to death and then cremating himself afterwards. Nearly three million people are certainly not brutally murdered by anyone at all, especially by the young people who are probably in the countryside visiting their aunts or something. And that’s all as it should be, particularly since those same young people would be in their late forties and early-to-late fifties today, and therefore running most of the companies and institutions in the country.

1969
WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression along the Sino-USSR border formed by the Amur and Ussuri Rivers, on which China claims the historic right to navigate since ancient times. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Russian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

1971
Business is booming, and a journalist, visiting at the invitation of the unfortunately-named Deng Xiaoping, reports that:

‘In 1969 the total output increased 90 percent over 1966. That increase was 100 percent over designated capacity. On this basis, in 1970 we fulfilled production 42 days ahead.”

1976
Mao Zedong, the Great Helmsman, dies. His body is converted into a wax candle by means of Advanced Alchemy, and is put on display. Rumours that he later turns orange and has his ear fall off are greatly exaggerated. A verdict on his reign finds that he was 70% correct, and 30% incorrect. The 30% incorrect portion relates to his repeated hosting of Curry Night at Zhongnanhai, in which he would cook his Famous-in-the-World Beef Vindaloo. Lin Biao in particular had been a staunch critic of Mao’s Vindaloo’s, and refused to allow his own staff anything other than Traditional And Delicious Chinese Cuisine*

(*Ironically, Lin Biao died on September 13th, 1971, when his private jet crashed. The inquest found that both Lin’s pilots had been poisoned by actually eating Chinese food, and recommended that in future, at least one pilot eat real food, imported from the West. This led in turn to KFC, McDonalds and Coca-Cola being invited to set up operations throughout China, and Deng Xiaoping’s ‘Open Door Policy’).

On July 28th, there is an earthquake in Tangshan, killing as many as 750,000 people and destroying 93% of all residential buildings. Mao’s successor, Hua Guofeng, shows great concern for the feelings of all the Chinese people, by refusing to accept Evil Foreign Assistance.

The same year, China is admitted to the United Nations as a result of a typing error. Repeated calls for the typist to apologise go unreported in China.

1978
Deng Xiaoping takes his place at the reins, and over a billion people spontaneously rush out and buy Deng-style suits, replacing the now-faded Mao-style suits. Deng, standing just 3 feet, 4 inches high, quickly becomes famous for his habit of chain-smoking cigarettes made from Panda skin. Panda populations plummet worldwide. Deng also orders the setting up of a ‘Birth Planning Commission’ in every town, the purpose of which is to ensure that useless girl babies no longer waste the State’s resources. Boy babies, on the other hand, are fine, just so long as people only have one of them per pair of parents.

Deng, focused on ‘Developing China’s Economic’, observes that:

“To get rich at the expense of everyone else, at any cost, by any means fair or foul, is glorious.”

and:

“It doesn’t matter whether it is a black cat, or a white cat, as long as you can shove a stick up it’s arse, and sell it as a lamb kebab.”

1979
WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in Vietnam. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Despite the fact that the Red Army’s maps are 75 years out of date, that the Red Army is one of only two militaries in the world with no system of rank, that there is no air support, that they are armed with WWII-era weapons, that there are no modern logistics, communications or transport facilities, and casualties may well be as high as 75% (the Red Army later admits to a 25% casualty rate), the self-defending operation against Evil Foreign Oppressors is a complete victory. Repeated Vietnamese demands for an apology go unreported in China.

1982
Wang XianSheng becomes the first Chinese citizen in history to look both ways before crossing the road. Sadly, this goes totally unnoticed by anyone else, thus answering the question: “If a tree falls down in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. Obviously, it doesn’t.

1984
Deng Xiaoping proclaims that Hong Kong is to be incorporated into China under a policy of something called ‘One Country, Two Systems’ – no one knows precisely what he is talking about, but most people in China suspect it has something to do with the electrical grid or voltages or something. Perhaps telephones. People in Hong Kong start purchasing flights to Vancouver.

June 4th, 1989
Starbucks officially opens it’s first outlet in Tienanmen Square, Beijing. Hundreds of thousands of students form an orderly queue and wait patiently for their chance to have a coffee. Fireworks to celebrate the opening of the store are mistakenly reported to be gunfire by Evil Foreign Media, NATO estimates of 7,000 deaths, and Soviet estimates of 10,000 deaths, are all cited as examples of why China is a Victim Of Foreign Aggression. Starbucks are told to relocate their outlet to the Forbidden City, where they won’t be able to cause any trouble in the future.

Shortly afterwards, Jiang Zemin is promoted to the top job. Over a billion Chinese citizens spontaneously rush out and buy cheap, ill-fitting business suits. Jiang Zemin is later credited with ‘Three Represents’, an enormous intellectual contribution to world philosophy. Put simply, ‘Three Represents’ states that the Chinese Communist Party is responsible for “…the requirements of the development of China’s advanced productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the people in China”. No one really understands it, but it sounds catchy all the same.

1997
Hong Kong becomes a colony of China. Both the electrical and telephone systems get re-wired. Shares in airlines that fly out of Hong Kong go through the roof.

1999
An Evil Cult manages to cause spiritual harm to the entire Chinese people. It is, quite rightly, banned from practising in future. Chinese leaders are praised by the Chinese media for following a correct path.

In other news, hospitals open their doors to Good Foreigners Who Need Organ Replacement Therapy.

2001
A US Navy EP-3E, a converted airliner, deliberately and without warning initiates Air Combat Manoeuvres (dogfighting) with a pair of Chinese fighter aircraft. One of the Chinese fighters is hit by the US Navy aggressor, killing the Brave Pilot. The EP-3E is damaged, but makes it to Hainan Island, where it is carefully repaired one system at a time by Chinese technicians, and the US crew allowed to enjoy a stay at a luxurious hotel, gratis. The inflight recorders are retained by the Red Army for legal reasons.

2002
Hu Jintao, known affectionately to his Tibetan colleagues as ‘the Butcher of Lhasa’, is promoted to the hot seat. He immediately sets about making sure that everyone is healthy, and that everyone is protected from Foreign Diseases. A few newspapers who have been printing irresponsible rumours are closed down for the good of the people, and some lawyers get what’s coming to ’em. Hu Jintao, as an avid musician, presides over the commissioning of a new ‘Harmonica Society’ – the response from jailbirds is overwhelming. The Red Army, too, is delighted, having had it’s wish-list fully granted.

‘Morally Correct’ media reporting and entertainment that is free of Evil Foreign Influences leads to a citizenry that is fully content in every way. Everyone is happy, and China becomes known as the Land Of Milk And Honey.

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Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Wang Xiansheng | Tagged: , | 30 Comments »

Psych. 101

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pychological Test for Potential Employees

To be given to all job applicants. Analysis provided below answer.

1. Imagine you have just walked into a Chinese bus, and are shooting all the passengers.
What do you feel?

a/ Terrible sense of remorse / injustice / self-hate.
—> [Ask candidate to remove his/her rose-tinted glasses.]

b/ Sense of righteous justification.
—> [Candidate has probably been here too long. Give him/her a fly to de-wing.]

c/ A slight recoil.
—> [Correct. Remind candidate to allow for this when firing follow-up rounds.]

2. You are facing a Chinese beggar, and a deadly cobra. You have in your possession a large-calibre handgun with just two rounds.
What do you do, and in what order?

a/ Shoot the snake, then the Chinese.
—> [Poor situational awareness. Failure to prioritise.]

b/ Shoot the Chinese, then the snake.
—> [Poor judgement of reality.]

c/ Shoot the Chinese. Then shoot it again.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for management. And accuracy at close ranges.]

3. Your Chinese supplier has just told you that you can trust him/her, because he/she is honest.
What is your reaction?

a/ Say how glad you are to hear it, take him/her at his/her word.
—> [Reject application out of hand.]

b/ Laugh out loud.
—> [Whilst fair enough, could be mistaken for agreement. Re-educate.]

c/ Take a photo, to put in the frame entitled ‘The Honest Supplier’, that’s been empty for the last 5,000 years.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for Purchasing Department.]

Assessment to be submitted with Resume / C.V.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

MacArthur Was Right

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, August 25, 2007

I haven’t written much lately. Well, I’ve been quite busy, as it happens. In fact, if the truth be told, I’ve been busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.

Why?

Let me put it to you like this:

There are two methods to deal with any situation. They are:
A. The simple, efficient, effective way.
B. The excessively complicated, massively inefficient, hopelessly ineffective, overly expensive, time consuming, way that doesn’t work.

Which option do you think 99.99% of all Chinese would choose? B, you say? Correct. Efficient and effective methods make it harder to extort, steal, pilfer, blackmail, embezzle, defraud, filch, fleece, misappropriate, rip off, swindle act like a normal Chinese, and you are more likely to be held accountable for your lies, distortions, deceptions, fabrications, dishonesties, falsities, fibs, porky-pies, inaccuracies, prevarications, whoppers normal Chinese language statements. Which is why Chinese don’t like efficient and effective methods. Put bluntly, the vast majority of people here are as crooked as a dogs’ hind leg. They lie, cheat and steal in much the way as sheep eat grass, bee’s buzz, and you and I breathe. Hell, your ordinary Chinese couldn’t lie straight in bed. Yes, there are a few good ‘uns, but they are in a minority so tiny, and they suffer for it so much at the hands of their countrymen, that you’ve little chance of encountering more than one a year. And none at all in business.

The point of all this, is that I’m the guy who has to pick up the pieces when my customers (who are not Chinese) get shafted by the rough-sawn length of 4″x2″ timber that is normal Chinese ‘business practice’.

The thing though, the actual thing that really pisses me right off, is that no matter how badly a Chinese fucks you over, they will always consider themselves the victim when the subject is brought up. You certainly can’t hold them to account for the things they’ve promised. “Oh no”, they will tell you, with that lying mouth of theirs, “I didn’t promise. It was just a suggestion. It’s not my fault that you misunderstood. It’s not my fault”.

It’s never anyone’s fault but yours. And in a way that’s true. Anyone who gets involved in any dealings with these lying, deceitful bastards has only themselves to blame if when it all goes pear-shaped. And that applies to me, too. I know better, I understand how these evil-minded pricks operate, I see them for what they really are, and I run the risk of doing business with them. I’m buggered if I know why, sometimes.

In other news, here are just three of the other things that have pissed me off this week:

1. Someone I know works at a Consulate here in China. I won’t say which one, but it is European. I also won’t detail what I know about the relationships certain high-level people have with certain ‘Snake Head’ human smuggling gangs. What I will say, is that two Chinese illegal emigrants (a husband and wife couple) to the country represented by this consulate, returned to China for a holiday. Possibly they also wanted to see their daughter, whom they had abandoned as a baby and had been in the care of relatives for the last four years. Anyway, when they attempted to return to [unknown European country], they were stopped at the airport. So off these people went to the Consulate of [unknown European country], where they started complaining about the treatment they had suffered. The theme? They were the victims. Illegal immigrants who abandoned their child as a baby, who have had a number of good years at the expense of a foreign country, who were too fucking stupid to even get a fake visa stamp – and somehow they are the victims?

2. There’s been yet another mine disaster, in which 172 miners are admitted to have died when the mine flooded. It’s been several days now, and only a token effort has been made to ‘rescue’ the (probably now dead) miners. Officially, about 5,000 miners die every year in Chinese coal mines, but the true number is somewhere between 40,000 and 80,000 (including those who die of ‘Black Lung’ and other related diseases). At this particular mine, management have now put up a banner over the South Gate that reads: ‘Heaven is merciless, but we love you and the Communist Party loves you most’.

3. A friend of mine, who has a business here, employs a cook. The cook works in the kitchen, providing meals for the Chinese staff. Free meals. A couple of days ago, this dumbfuck cook is shuffling across the road without looking, and gets hit by a bus. This didn’t happen at work, it happened in the cook’s own time, near his home. He didn’t die, but he was injured a fair bit. His entire extended family immediately swarmed in from all over China. Not one of them went to the hospital, though. Oh no. They all went to pay a visit to my friend, the cook’s employer, and demanded compensation from him. Paid directly to themselves.

General Douglas MacArthur was right – we should have nuked this place when we had the chance. I see in my mind’s eye a great glass-floored, self-illuminating carpark, stretching from Beijing to Guangzhou, and it makes me smile happily. This week in particular.

It’s no wonder I drink.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

We’ve Changed. No, Really.

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 19, 2007

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Posted in Olympics | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Proof of Conspiracy

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 19, 2007

There’s an endless stream of yippping and yapping about the World Trade Centre (note correct spelling of ‘Centre’) and how the whole thing was a Government Conspiracy etc etc etc. Some people obviously have way too much time on their hands. Anyhow, I saw this article recently, and decided to share it with you good people. I can’t make up my mind whether the author is a genuine looney, or a good satirist, but either way I got a grin out of it.

Note for Americans and other Aliens: September 11th is abbreviated 11/9. I’ll let it slide this time, but don’t do it again.

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China’s Tallest Building Catches Fire, Does Not Collapse
World Financial Center in Shanghai miraculously defies physics

Shanghai’s World Financial Center, the tallest building in China upon completion, defied all known physics yesterday afternoon when it caught fire but did not collapse, a modern day miracle in light of the commonly accepted premise that since 9/11, all steel buildings that suffer limited fire damage implode within two hours.

Anyone who has visited Shanghai’s Pudong district will note that the World Financial building eerily resembles the twin towers in New York that were destroyed on 9/11, which is why the sight of it catching fire yesterday would have led many to immediately fear the imminent collapse of the structure.

“According to an eyewitness, the building caught fire around 4:35 p.m., and floors above the 40th floor were shrouded with dark smoke. The fire was fierce, burning debris fell from the building. Many people fled the building in panic,” reports Epoch Times.

“According to Mr. Deng, a local resident, floors above the 30th floor were engulfed in thick layers of smoke, while the top of the building was also smoking.”

Officials put the time of the outbreak of the fire at 4pm and said that was extinguished by about 6pm. The south tower of the WTC burned for just 56 minutes before collapsing, while the north tower lasted around an hour and 45 minutes. According to the official transcripts of the firefighter tapes, fires in both towers were almost out immediately before the collapses.

The saving grace that could have rescued the Shanghai tower from imploding may have been the fact that it was not hit by a plane, as the twin towers were on 9/11.

However, the absence of a jet strike wasn’t enough to prevent WTC 7 from crumbling into its own footprint within 7 seconds later that fateful afternoon.

Residents of Shanghai should rejoice that the building defied the revised version of basic physics that officially came into effect at 9:56am on September 11, 2001, and remained standing, avoiding a potential death toll of thousands.

The population of Madrid were similarly blessed in February 2005 when the 32-story Windsor Building was gutted by intense fires for 28 hours but did not collapse.

Hundreds of buildings worldwide suffered major fires that gutted the entire facade of their structure before 9/11 and did not collapse, but since the twin towers behaved differently, rather than consider an alternative explanation for the collapse of the towers, experts simply decided to reverse the fundamental precepts of all known physics to make it easier for everyone to understand.

Since that time, it has been commonly accepted that limited fires in tall buildings are 99% certain to cause an almost instantaneous collapse.

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The World Financial Centre in Shanghai bravely remains standing after fires gutted its top floors, a modern day miracle of science and a bizarre contradiction to the officially revised version of physics that came into effect on September 11, 2001.

Posted in China | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

MyLaowai’s Daily Prayer

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

(thanks to Sarah Noelle Pratt Ferguson for the prayer)

Posted in China | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Ask MyLaowai

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 13, 2007

Free relationship advice from famous author MyLaowai

Dear MyLaowai:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 38 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he’d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs Wang Xiaojie.

Dear Wang Xiaojie:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips (hose clamps) holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

MyLaowai.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: | 5 Comments »

Lest We Forget

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 9, 2007

It was like walking into Belsen prison. Everywhere I looked I saw stinking bodies piled one upon the other, in all manner of twisted postures. They slumped lifelessly against one another in utter disarray. The stench was overpowering – the foul reek of corruption and the stink of foetid air was enough to turn even the strongest of stomachs. The open mouths of the bodies trailed strings of saliva and there were pools of vomit everywhere.

I really hate taking the bus into the countryside every morning.

Posted in China | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

10 Uses For Cardboard-Filled Baozi

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Baozi (Chinese: 包子; Pinyin: bāozi), a type of steamed, filled bun.

It was recently reported that there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. Then another story that the first story was fake. Blah blah blah. What’s wrong with cardboard baozi, I ask you? There are many uses for them…

1. Tampon Substitute. The cardboard is highly absorbent, and a cardboard-filled baozi is far cheaper than the traditional bran-filled muffin.

2. Close Combat Weapon. As everyone knows, Dwarf-bread is often used as an emergency close combat weapon. Dwarven-bread buns can be cheaply replaced with baozi for non-lethal applications such as peacekeeping, and baozi also make for an inexpensive training round.

3. CCP Official Paperweight. Need something to stop your piles of hongbao blowing away? Use a baozi filled with high-density cardboard. For the man who has taken everything.

4. Sandbag Replacement. Perfect for makeshift dams and dykes, especially when the rivers flood. If only the Three Gorges Dam was so sturdy…

5. Novelty Dogpoo. It looks, smells and tastes just like the real thing!

6. Douchebag. Not an original idea, the Chinese invented the Doushabao 5,000 years ago, during the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng.

7. Campfire Fuel. Have you ever been camping and wanted to light a fire, only to discover that every stick of wood within 1,200Km was cut down decades ago to build a ladder from China to the Moon? Well campers, your troubles are over, thanks to the all new and improved cardboard-filled baozi. These little babies make great fuel for all your campfire needs. Don’t leave home without one!

8. Fashion Accessory. From earrings to handbags, there’s a baozi in your size. Simply open it up, remove the packaging, and voila!

9. Princess Leia Disguise. Any two matching cardboard baozi can be easily adapted into a wig for the balding female Star Wars fan (brasswork bikini sold seperately).

10. Food. If all else fails, you can always eat it. Not only does cardboard contain 317% more nutrition than any other known Chinese cuisine, the industrial chemicals kill 74% of E.coli and other bacteria, making the cardboard-filled baozi actually safer to eat than regular baozi.

Posted in Food | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »