Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for September, 2009

Tales of Love…

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 28, 2009

Good day to you, my little Beijing Ducks! Early last week I was sitting on the patio, sipping a nice drop of Krug Grande Cuvée, and watching my MrsMyLaowai mow the lawn.

Mrs WangXiaoJie from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, “You lazy egg! Why you sitting there drinking while your poor wife push ancient lawn mower around! Get up your fat arse and give her a break!”

I thought ‘Shit, women!’. Then I took another swig from my glass, wiped my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days, though, I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I’m really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives… then maybe they’ll take good care of us.

I’ve attached a picture below… hope it comes through OK


Posted in Motivational! | 3 Comments »

Ode to the New China Man

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, September 24, 2009

You may have wondered why things have been so quiet around here. Wonder no longer, schmucks! Great artists require peace and quiet in which to perform their wondrous feats of magnificence, and Team MyLaowai, being more wondrous than most, have been nose to the grindstone crafting this post. What, you think writing an award-winning blog is easy?

This is in honour of our dear friends Stoogie, MyFenwai, and all the other patriotic New China Men who flock to this blog in droves (Tianya Anti-Foreign Forum is a source of many, many hits – thanks, Stats Page!).


Please do bear in mind that this is copyrighted material, so don’t illegally download it or anything. If you want a copy, write to me at MyLaowai@gmail.com and I will tell you where you can go. To buy a copy, that is.

If this doesn’t play for you, that means you are in China. I’m sorry. Really.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex | 3 Comments »

Tales of Love…

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 21, 2009

Hello my little Szechuan Chickens! Over the weekend I met a wonderful young Shanghainese girl. Things were proceeding very nicely indeed, when I asked her if I was the first man she’d ever loved.

“I don’t know”, she replied. “were you in Nanchang in 1963?”

To be continued…

Posted in Motivational! | 2 Comments »

A Question of Colour

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 7, 2009

Last year I received this email from a reader:

Hey Dude, terrific site. If you could, please inform me as best you can, the preconceptions China has toward people of color. What are you observations on how people of color are treated in the major cities? What is the perceptions of Africans considering the huge economic stake in many African countries?
I enjoy reading your site, as I read more articles, I would love to get your opinion.

I did not, at the time, directly respond to this. Part of the reason was that there was already plenty on in the international press (this was just prior to the Genocide Olympics and just after the mass arrests of black people in Beijing), and part of the reason was that I didn’t feel that I could add much to the debate. I still feel that way, sorta-kinda.

Enter ChinaSMACK. Now, I’m not really a huge fan of the site – to me it reads a bit like a daytime soap having an illicit tryst with a fashion magazine – but it’s fair to say that it is very popular, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it cleans up the China Blog Awards this year, by a wide margin. And that said, ChinaSMACK does do a very good job of bringing to you the feelings of the average Wang (at least, the average internet-connected Wang). They recently had a post on a Chinese girl whose mother was Shanghainese and whose biological father was American. A black American. She came to the public’s attention when she participated in a TV program called Oriental Angels. Folks, I gotta tell ya, this girl is as hot as they get: “Angel” doesn’t even begin to do her justice. What a babe!

Unfortunately for her, however, she is a black Chinese. Here are what Chinese netizens themselves said about her:

Lou Jing’s mother had a husband, then had an extramarital affair with a black man, then gave birth to Lou Jing, and then after her birth divorced.
And that black devil, after fucking ran back to his home in Africa.
It is unimaginable how that Shanghainese man [husband], excited and anxious to see his own “daughter”, must have felt when he saw that she was black.

Her mother’s skin is pretty thick.
At the time finding foreigners was indeed a fad, but you still can’t pick blacks!

Fucked by a black.
How come a zebra wasn’t born.?

Ugh. Yellow people and black people mixed together is very gross.only black skin, not yellow skin, chocolate skin.
Not even knowing this common knowledge, ruining a child’s life.

Numb! This bitch still has the audacity to appear on television! I don’t know what to say! One cannot be shameless to this kind of level!

Black people’s tools/weapons are big! Her mother must have been very satisfied! Even having the audacity to go on television! Probably hoping that Africa can see [the television show], and [the father] will come to recognize his daughter, haha!

Obama’s little sister.
Similarities: Male black dog x different skin colored woman.
Differences: Black x White = Obama, Black x Yellow = Luo Jing.

I cannot help but say, those coming out of mixing yellow and black blood are all truly ugly, a dirty feeling [appearance].

Girls, you guys should know that even in America, which represents the highest level of black people, 60% of black children are brought up by their mothers alone. Do you understand what this means?
It means the men all fucked and ran, not taking responsibility for anything! There are often black people who have had children with over 10 different women, that American netizens all ask that they be castrated.

When I first saw this week’s show, I too was very shocked, so stunned. Society’s norms and values haven’t becomes so “fei zhu liu”, has it? As a post-80s generation, I completely cannot accept this. If I were that girl, I would be so low key that I could not be any more low key. How could I possibly come out and expose my face, seeking attention and sympathy.it is difficult to understand.

What can I possibly say about the Chinese view on skin colour, that the Chinese themselves haven’t made crystal fucking clear?

Posted in China | 59 Comments »

It’s Christmas (in the Philippines)

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Filipino people,

By now you must surely be aware that it is September, the first month after June that ends in -er. Therefore, and ergo, it is time to put up your Christmas decorations. After all, they’ve been packed away since April, and we wouldn’t want them to gather dust, would we?

I do love the Filipino people and their devotion to tiresome and depressing Catholic festivals. No one else even bothers any more. And it isn’t just the cult-Christian festivals they celebrate, either. Oh, no! There isn’t a barrio in existence that doesn’t have it’s own festival for something-or-other, from MacArthur’s ‘return’ to celebrating endangered plants and animals. Best of all is the weekly festival in which they overthrow their government for corruption and excess shoe consumption, and replace it with an entirely new government (which will be overthrown the following weekend for corruption and excess shoe consumption).

Honestly, it’s wonderful.

Here’s a short-list of the more popular festivals, which the Filipino people enthusiastically celebrate:

Feast Of The Black Nazarene, Biniray, Lingayen Gulf Landing, Ati-Atihan, Tultugan, Sinulog, Caracol Sa Makati, Vigan Town Fiesta, Apribada, Dinagyang, Hot Air Balloon, Feast Of Our Lady Of Candles, Festival Of Hearts, Laoag City And Province (Pamulinawen), San Fernando, La Union, Tinagba, International Bamboo Organ, Tawo, Dia De Zamboanga, Panagbenga, Santiago City Arts Month, Sambalilo, Suman, Kalilangan, Itik-Itik, Sibug Festival, Kaamulan, Arya Abra, Sandugo, Araw Ng Dabaw, Pintados De Pasi, Homonhon Landing, Mt. Manunggal, Sinigayan, First Mass In The Philippines, Easter, Moriones, Lenten Festival Of Herbal Preparation, Semana Santa, Agoo Semana Santa, Salubong, Cutud Lenten Rites, Kalilang, Kadaugan Sa, Mactan, Tanduyong, Conquer Mt. Apo, Bankarera, Cassava, Binirayan, Pasalamat La Carlota, Tapusan, Bohol, Pista’y Dayat, Alinsangan Boa-Boahan, Carabao Carroza Race, Rodeo Pilipino, Pahiyas, Magayon, Pineapple, Flores De Mayo / Santacruzan, Hundred Islands, Manggahan Sa Guimaras, Bolibong Kingking, Panagyaman, Antipolo Pilgrimage, Bangkero, Pahiyas/Mayon/Agawan, Mudpack Festival, Pinyahan Sa Daet, Parada Ng Lechon, Tacloban Pintados Festival, Buklog, Baragatan, Pili, Taong-Putik, Araw Ng Maynila, Sublian Sa Batangas, Sandugo Festival, Kinabayo Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of Piat, Sagayan, Pagoda, Cordillera Day, Pinta Flores, Tinalak, Simbalay, Kadayawan Sa Dabaw, Adlaw Hong Butuan, Palo, Kaadlawan Han Samar, Kalibongan, Kidapawan Fruit, Lubi-Lubi, Buyogan, Bonok-Bonok Festival & Silop Cave Adventure, Peñafrancia Viva La Virgen, Tuna Sa Gensan, Sarakiki, Panagdadapun, T’boli Tribal, Araw Ng Siquijor, Zamboanga Hermosa Festival, Masskara Festival, Lanzones Festival, Siargao Surfing Cup, Ibalong, La Naval, Catandungan, A Battle Of Surigao Strait, Fiestang Kuliat (Tigtigan, Terakan Keng Dalan), Sagingan, Leyte Gulf Landing, Pinta Flores Festival, Feast Of San Clemente / Higantes, Kansilay, Helubong, Sanduguan, Guinakit Of Maguindanao, Mt. Pinatubo Trek, P’yagsawitan, Feast Of The Immaculate Conception, Shariff Kabunsuan Festival, Giant Lantern Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Concepcion, Olongapo Festival, Grand Marian Procession, Christmas Symbols, Daro Sinulog.

Phew! That’s a hell of a list! (my personal favourite is the Carabao Carroza Race, which features the fastest water buffaloes in the area pulling bamboo carts – it’s a real heart-stopper).

So, the MyLaowai travel recommendation for this (or, indeed, any) month, is to visit the Philippines, and partake in about a million festivals. Just don’t go in early September, because that’s when the Christmas decorations are being put up.

Statutory Health Advisory: Walking past Filipino girls in the street, or even in another street, has been known to cause pregnancy, leading to marriage complications, extended families, and eventually death. Excessive caution is advised. MyLaowai accepts no responsibility for failure on your part to leg it to the nearest airport and take the first flight out to anywhere, in the event the above symptoms present themselves.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 23 Comments »