Dear Filipino people,

By now you must surely be aware that it is September, the first month after June that ends in -er. Therefore, and ergo, it is time to put up your Christmas decorations. After all, they’ve been packed away since April, and we wouldn’t want them to gather dust, would we?

I do love the Filipino people and their devotion to tiresome and depressing Catholic festivals. No one else even bothers any more. And it isn’t just the cult-Christian festivals they celebrate, either. Oh, no! There isn’t a barrio in existence that doesn’t have it’s own festival for something-or-other, from MacArthur’s ‘return’ to celebrating endangered plants and animals. Best of all is the weekly festival in which they overthrow their government for corruption and excess shoe consumption, and replace it with an entirely new government (which will be overthrown the following weekend for corruption and excess shoe consumption).

Honestly, it’s wonderful.

Here’s a short-list of the more popular festivals, which the Filipino people enthusiastically celebrate:

Feast Of The Black Nazarene, Biniray, Lingayen Gulf Landing, Ati-Atihan, Tultugan, Sinulog, Caracol Sa Makati, Vigan Town Fiesta, Apribada, Dinagyang, Hot Air Balloon, Feast Of Our Lady Of Candles, Festival Of Hearts, Laoag City And Province (Pamulinawen), San Fernando, La Union, Tinagba, International Bamboo Organ, Tawo, Dia De Zamboanga, Panagbenga, Santiago City Arts Month, Sambalilo, Suman, Kalilangan, Itik-Itik, Sibug Festival, Kaamulan, Arya Abra, Sandugo, Araw Ng Dabaw, Pintados De Pasi, Homonhon Landing, Mt. Manunggal, Sinigayan, First Mass In The Philippines, Easter, Moriones, Lenten Festival Of Herbal Preparation, Semana Santa, Agoo Semana Santa, Salubong, Cutud Lenten Rites, Kalilang, Kadaugan Sa, Mactan, Tanduyong, Conquer Mt. Apo, Bankarera, Cassava, Binirayan, Pasalamat La Carlota, Tapusan, Bohol, Pista’y Dayat, Alinsangan Boa-Boahan, Carabao Carroza Race, Rodeo Pilipino, Pahiyas, Magayon, Pineapple, Flores De Mayo / Santacruzan, Hundred Islands, Manggahan Sa Guimaras, Bolibong Kingking, Panagyaman, Antipolo Pilgrimage, Bangkero, Pahiyas/Mayon/Agawan, Mudpack Festival, Pinyahan Sa Daet, Parada Ng Lechon, Tacloban Pintados Festival, Buklog, Baragatan, Pili, Taong-Putik, Araw Ng Maynila, Sublian Sa Batangas, Sandugo Festival, Kinabayo Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of Piat, Sagayan, Pagoda, Cordillera Day, Pinta Flores, Tinalak, Simbalay, Kadayawan Sa Dabaw, Adlaw Hong Butuan, Palo, Kaadlawan Han Samar, Kalibongan, Kidapawan Fruit, Lubi-Lubi, Buyogan, Bonok-Bonok Festival & Silop Cave Adventure, Peñafrancia Viva La Virgen, Tuna Sa Gensan, Sarakiki, Panagdadapun, T’boli Tribal, Araw Ng Siquijor, Zamboanga Hermosa Festival, Masskara Festival, Lanzones Festival, Siargao Surfing Cup, Ibalong, La Naval, Catandungan, A Battle Of Surigao Strait, Fiestang Kuliat (Tigtigan, Terakan Keng Dalan), Sagingan, Leyte Gulf Landing, Pinta Flores Festival, Feast Of San Clemente / Higantes, Kansilay, Helubong, Sanduguan, Guinakit Of Maguindanao, Mt. Pinatubo Trek, P’yagsawitan, Feast Of The Immaculate Conception, Shariff Kabunsuan Festival, Giant Lantern Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Concepcion, Olongapo Festival, Grand Marian Procession, Christmas Symbols, Daro Sinulog.

Phew! That’s a hell of a list! (my personal favourite is the Carabao Carroza Race, which features the fastest water buffaloes in the area pulling bamboo carts – it’s a real heart-stopper).

So, the MyLaowai travel recommendation for this (or, indeed, any) month, is to visit the Philippines, and partake in about a million festivals. Just don’t go in early September, because that’s when the Christmas decorations are being put up.

Statutory Health Advisory: Walking past Filipino girls in the street, or even in another street, has been known to cause pregnancy, leading to marriage complications, extended families, and eventually death. Excessive caution is advised. MyLaowai accepts no responsibility for failure on your part to leg it to the nearest airport and take the first flight out to anywhere, in the event the above symptoms present themselves.