Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for September, 2008

The Award Formerly Known As Wet Pussy

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 30, 2008

In an effort to be more harmonious, and to celebrate both 5,000 spam comments and 5,000 years of ‘Culture’, I’ve decided to give the Wet Pussy Award a facelift. That’s right folks, instead of focusing on those traitorous laowai who have gone over to the Dark Side, we will from now on be looking more closely at the rich tapestry of Chinese Culture. I will, every month, review a major Chinese contribution to the World.

Oh, and there’s a new name, too:   The Falling Cow Award. Nice.

I will start with one of the finest museums in the country, the Shanghai Natural History Museum.

According to the official blurb,

The Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences is one of the largest museums of natural sciences in China. Located at downtown Shanghai, the museum features some British traditional style and covers an area of 12,880 square meters.

Prepared in November 1956, the Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences opened the Division Museum of Animals to the public in 1960, and the Division Museum of Plants in 1984. The building for exhibition of samples covers a floor space of 3,053 square meters. The exhibition halls of the museum are situated in the Shanghai Botanic Garden and cover a total space of 4,726 square meters.

The museum has a collection of 240,000 samples, including over 62,000 pieces of animal specimens, 135,000 plant specimens, 700 specimens of the Stone Age, and 1,700 specimens of minerals, which are of high value to research on natural evolvement.

The largest exhibit is a dinosaur skeleton of over four storeys high. There are also some rare species, which cannot be found elsewhere outside China, on display, such as a Yellow River mammoth, a giant salamander, a giant panda, and an alligator from the Yangtze River. Besides, the museum boasts more than 60,000 volumes of documents and books on scientific research.

The museum features four exhibition halls: the Hall of the History of the Ancient Animals, the Hall of History of Ancient Anthropology, the Hall of Animals and the Hall of Plants.

It’s a load of hooey, of course. A dilapidated falling down building that hasn’t seen any basic maintenance since the British had it stolen from them by Communist rebels, with a few bits of rocks and a tatty stuffed animal or two on display, hardly qualifies as a museum in my book. That said, it actually isone of the largest museums of natural sciences in China“, which just goes to show the value Chinese people put on education and science.

There’s a wonderful walk-through exhibit that shows the evolution of Man, from terrible ape-like Africans, to the classical-Greek Caucasians, to the Han Chinese. It’s not only guaranteed to offend, it’s ‘Historically Accurate’ as well. The best part is the signs that explain it all from start to finish. Here’s what they say:

About 10-20 million years ago and after having undergone many vicissitudes and frustrations, the natural selection, the adaption and arduous labour, one branch of extremely highly-developed apes, known as early apes, finally brought about their gradual transition from Ape to Man.

As soon as human beings appeared, the human society took shape.

As early as 5,000 or 6,000 years ago, there were ancients living and multiplying in the Shanghai District. Scientists have unearthed more than twenty-five ancient sites ranging from the Neolithic Age to the Spring and Autumn and the Warring States Period, obtaining large numbers of precious cultural relics. This is a splendid local history created by our Shanghai ancients.

F-F-F-Fantastic! But not nearly as wonderful as my personal favourite, the Vertebrates Hall. On display was a sampling of the various ways in which Chinese people prepare for consumption many of the unique animals and plants to be found throughout China, for example:

Following that, you walk past a few moth-eaten stuffed mammals and birds, and see before you an enormous map of China, Tibet, East Turkestan, Inner Mongolia and Taiwan. This map has marked on it many of the species that Han Chinese have eaten to extinction during the last hundred years:

For a ‘developed modern city’ with a population of over twenty million citizens, the showcase of and richest city in a nation of one and a half billion citizens, a nation that can put people into space and can afford the world’s largest standing army, it’s all quite frankly a bloody disgrace. Granted, it only cost me five kuai to get in, but even so I felt ripped off. Chinese people, get your arses to the British Museum at once and see what Culture actually looks like. Alternatively, try any of the Smithsonian sites. Or take a look at some of your neighbours such as Japan or Thailand and see how they do it there. I didn’t see 5,000 years of culture reflected in “one of the largest museums of natural sciences in China“, what I saw was far nearer the 5,000 spam comments I’ve deleted from this blog.

And for that reason, I award the Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences the inaugural Falling Cow Award:

Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences – Falling Cow Award September 2008

Posted in Falling Cow Zone, Wet Pussy Awards | 2 Comments »

A Pair of Tits

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Oh What a Pair of Tits!

Posted in China | 6 Comments »

Oh the Humanity!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 22, 2008

So now even the Communist Party has been forced to admit to there being in excess of 50,000 babies lying sick in various and sundry hospitals scattered throughout the land.


Jesus titty fucking Christ! How did they miss that the first time around? Somebody lose count around four again? And that doesn’t include the ones whose parents are too poor to afford hospital beds for them (yes, I know the Party said it would cover the costs, but I also know for a fact that it was a lie). It also doesn’t include the others that weren’t counted. And it sure as all hell doesn’t include the hundreds of thousands who were sick last year, and the year before, and the year before that.

What, you mean you actually thought this whole thing was new news?

The only surprise here is how many people seem surprised at all this. I mean, c’mon people, it’s an old story: Boy Chinese meets Girl Chinese, they somehow make a baby although neither knows quite how it all happened, something to do with squeezing tofu apparently, boy gives baby to girl to take care of so he can gamble and go to the KTV, girl gives baby to grandma because she thinks breastfeeding will ruin her figure plus then she can go back to the factory and meet more boys, grandma gives baby patriotic milk powder that has had all nutrients replaced by cheaper industrial waste in order that the glorious and diligent and very famous in the world Chinese company can make more glorious revolutionary profits to share with the Dear Leader(s), baby gets sick and is taken to hospital, foreign media exposes the whole shebang, Party promises free medical care, both boy and girl and grandma are sent home for being too poor, and baby dies in an amusing but rather unfortunate mix-up with the people who extract collagen from live prisoners for export to evil foreign make-up companies.

Don’t pretend you’ve never heard that old chestnut before.

Anyway, this has all been going on for bloody years, and the fact that now everyone is running around recalling milk powder and milk and ice cream (Magnums! Noooo!) and M&M’s and Snicker’s and Mento’s and Dove Choccies and Oreo’s and Mini-Popper’s and Cornetto’s only goes to show how stupid everyone was to trust these deceitful lying bastards in the first place.

Actually, I’m rather glad to hear this news. Well, relieved is perhaps a better word. All this time, ever since I came to China in fact, I’ve been worried that the pain in my right kidney was due to excessive alcohol consumption. I mean, I’m not an alcoholic (because I don’t go to the meetings), but there are times when I drink to take the pain of life away – such as every day. Now that I know it’s just kidney stones, and that they aren’t serious enough to kill more than a handful of babies, I’m happy as Larry again (in case you were wondering, Larry is your Aunties’ live-in lover).

Thank you, Chinese dairy industry, you’ve taken a load off my mind. May your profits never dwindle, may your KTV whores never get pregnant, and may your CCP masters never extort more from you for their silence than you are willing to pay.

Thank you and good night.

Posted in China | 39 Comments »

The Jumping of the Shark

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, September 19, 2008

The Jumping of the Shark

(An Agony in Five Thousand Bits)

One, two! One, two! And through and through,
Their eating sticks go clicky clack!
They eat it dead, they eat it live,
Any time’s a good time to snack.

“Five Thousand Years!” the taxi driver cried,
As he examined his mole with care;
So proud was he that the obnoxious spot
sprouted luxurious lengths of hair.

“Five Thousand Years!” they say it twice:
That alone should warn those new.
“Five Thousand Years!” and now it’s thrice:
A lie three times must be true.

The crew is complete: it includes a Wang –
no one is sure what he does.
A Liu and a Zhang and a Wen and a Hu,
A collection of murdering thugs.

They are famous of course for everything good:
The grander the greater the fib.
If it’s real they made it and taught it to us,
They believe that they honestly did!

From paper and powder to compass and wheel,
From money to iron to glass.
They invented it all, or so they believe,
They even made mountains and grass!

They discover’d the Poles, and Europe as well,
Just ask Gavin Menzies for proof!
You’ll find him at the bank with his mountains of kuai,
Counting his ill-gotten loot.

And what maps they have made! O! Wondrous designs!
With the North clearly marked to be ‘East’.
They list all their neighbours and people they know,
In the Dragon’s Imperial Reach.

Yet long, long ago – well before Fonzie’s show,
When they first ate a dog for it’s bark,
‘Twas plain to us all, those near and those far,
That these buggers had well jumped the shark.

Five thousand they say? Why the pride, why not shame?
Five thousand but developing still?
They call all this ‘culture’? I laugh at their lies when their milk
Gives small babies kidneystone pills.

Five thousand? Give it up! It past time they did,
Five thousand? They haven’t done much.
Peaceful for ever and honest and brave?
Tell that to Tibetans and such.

Yea, if it were a show on TeeVee today,
(There’s nothing to see worth a damn – what a lark!)
It’s a show that we’d simply switch off don’t you see?
They long ago jumped that ole’ shark.

One, two! One, two! And through and through,
Their eating sticks go clicky clack!
They eat it dead, they eat it live,
Any time’s a good time to snack.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

Made-In-China Products Safe – Government

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, September 18, 2008

USA Today. 28th June, 2007.

China insisted Thursday that its exports are safe, issuing a rare direct commentary as international fears over Chinese products spread.

Wang Xinpei, a spokesman for the Commerce Ministry, said China “has paid great attention” to the issue, especially food products because it concerns people’s health.

“It can be said that the quality of China’s exports all are guaranteed,” Wang told reporters at a regularly scheduled briefing.

The statement was among Beijing’s most public assertions of the safety of its exports since they came under scrutiny earlier this year with the deaths of dog and cats in North America blamed on Chinese wheat gluten tainted with the chemical melamine.

Since then, U.S. authorities have turned away or recalled toxic fish, juice containing unsafe colour additives and popular toy trains decorated with lead paint.

Chinese-made toothpaste also has been banned by numerous countries in North and South America and Asia for containing diethylene glycol, or DEG, a chemical often found in antifreeze. It is also a low-cost – and sometimes deadly – substitute for glycerine, a sweetener in many drugs.

The New York Times reported Thursday that tainted Chinese toothpaste had been more widely distributed in the United States than had been previously reported. It said about 900,000 tubes have turned up in places including correctional facilities and some hospitals, not just at discount stores.

Earlier this month, a spokesman for North Carolina’s Department of Correction said Pacific brand toothpaste was distributed to prisoners who could not afford to buy a name brand at prison stores. The tubes were taken away after trace amounts of DEG was found in them.

Officials in Georgia and North Carolina told the Times there had been no illnesses reported, and that the toothpaste in question was being replaced with brands not manufactured in China.

On Wednesday, three Japanese importers recalled millions of Chinese-made travel toothpaste sets, many sold to inns and hotels, after they were found to contain as much as 6.2% of diethylene glycol.

Wang, the Commerce Ministry spokesman, said Chinese experts have already “explained the situation.”

He gave no details, although the country’s quality watchdog has in past cited tests from 2000 that it said showed toothpaste containing less than 15.6% diethylene glycol was harmless to humans.

Also Wednesday, Beijing police raided a village where live pigs were force-fed waste water to boost their weight before slaughter, state media reported.

Plastic pipes had been forced down the pigs’ throats and villagers had pumped each 220-pound pig with 44 pounds of waste water, the Beijing Morning Post reported Thursday.

“It can be said that the quality of China’s exports all are guaranteed”

Made-In-China: A Brand You Can Trust

Posted in China | 5 Comments »

No Use Crying Over Spoiled Milk

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Damn the man! I’ve no sooner finished writing a post on dairy products, when I notice that ImageThief has gone and done it better.

I’d suggest that you go here and read it instead. Bah! Humbug!

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, my second attempt ended up looking something like this (which I didn’t write at all):

This is yet another gross insult against China made by the international anti-China forces. They have health problems with food in other countries as well, so why can’t China also have them? Why are they only condemning China?

Will non-poisoned baby formula solve the health problem for babies? Adults who don’t drink milk powder also have kidney stones. Therefore, the western system of non-poisoned baby formula will not solve the problem of kidney stones.

Don’t forget that the baby formula industry has been in development overseas for almost a century whereas it has only been several decades for China. The baby formula industry in China has progressed continuously during this time. China cannot be expected to arrive at perfection immediately. Gradual steps are taken to reach the non-poisoned condition, as appropriate to the existing conditions in China.

Boycotting or opposing Sanlu can only make the Sanlu problem more complicated. We should use a dialogue approach where we keep communicating slowly even as we sip more Sanlu baby formula. Baby formula can develop only in a stable environment. If Sanlu collapses, the entire Chinese baby formula industry will be thrown into chaos and the western baby formula companies will take over China.

The history of baby formula in other nations showed that they all went through a gradual purification process to transition from a number of complicated impure baby formula to a perfect unpoisoned one. The idea that the Chinese people should be able to have healthy and unpoisoned baby formula instantaneously from the start is actually a huge western conspiracy to destroy the Chinese baby formula industry. The Chinese baby formula industry is still young and fragile. It will take some time for Chinese baby formula not to be poisoned. If the western standards are adopted, it will take more than a year just to recall the 7,000 tons of poisoned baby power. How can the Chinese baby formula industry progress under those circumstances?

The western baby formula companies grew to be very big before they began to recall bad products. Do you think that Sanlu does not want the Chinese people to have good baby formula? Their problem is that this is not yet feasible at this time. The Chinese people should keep the big picture in mind. They should drink poisoned baby formula for a few decades and sacrifice one or two generations of people until Sanlu grows big enough to challenge the western companies. Then Sanlu can gradually produce unpoisoned baby formula for infants, assuming there are any infants still alive.

The situation in the east is different from the west, and the quality of the peoples are different. China absolutely cannot unconditionally take to drinking the western-style unpoisoned baby formula. The western world is less populous, and they have enough baby formula to consume without adding poison. China has such a huge population that all the milk in all the cows in the world would not be enough to feed them with fully westernized pure baby formula. Therefore poison had to be added.

Although the Sanlu baby formula is poisoned, it was able to keep the hundreds of millions of Chinese infants from going hungry. Who else has accomplished so much in the history of mankind?

When the anti-China hostile forces boycott China’s Sanlu baby formula, the ultimate victims are the Chinese infants. We call for all Chinese patriots to unite and express our solidarity by drinking Sanlu baby formula in abundance.

If you are a Chinese person, you must support this declaration!

Damn and Blast! Pipped at the post. I’m off to get a Captain Morgan and Coke.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

…and now we’ve moved back again.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 15, 2008

You may have noticed that for the last week there’s been this sign up saying:

The authors have deleted this blog. The content is no longer available.

Not my fault, but please accept my apologies regardless. Fraud and identity theft played their part in all this, and it will take some time to get it all back to normal, but for now I’m back at:


Thank you for your understanding.

Posted in China | 5 Comments »

We’ve Moved!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, September 5, 2008

That’s right, Lords and Ladies, MyLaowai is now at the sparkling, shiny, brand-spanking-new:


Be there, or be a regular polygon with four equal sides, with the coordinates for the vertices centered at the origin and with side length 2 are (±1, ±1), while the interior of the same consists of all points (x0, x1) with −1 < xi < 1.

Er, that’s just in case I wasn’t perfectly clear in any way whatsoever…

Note for poor bastards readers in China: There’s still no guarantee that you’ll be able to read this easily. Sorry, that’s a slightly thornier issue, and one which I’m looking at now. In the meantime, try this:

1. Use a text editor like notepad, and copy/paste this:

function FindProxyForURL(url,host){
    if(dnsDomainIs(host, "mylaowai.com")){
        return "PROXY";
    if(dnsDomainIs(host, ".wordpress.com")){
        return "PROXY";
    return "DIRECT";

Save this file as proxy.pac in your root directory (probably C:\ unless Windows is not on C:\ ). Make sure that the file is named correctly – it should not be saved as a .txt file.

2. In Firefox, go to Tools – Options – Advanced – Network – Settings. Select the option that says Advanced Proxy Configuration URL and enter file:///C:/proxy.pac in the field. Save the settings and restart Firefox.

For IE, try this: go to Tools – Internet Options – Connections – LAN Settings. Check Use Automatic Configuration Script, and enter file://c:/proxy.pac in the field. Save settings and restart IE.

This will not allow you to log in as a user, but it will allow you to view and comment on MyLaowai.com and other example.wordpress.com blogs.

If this doesn’t work, check that the file proxy.pac is really not a .txt by doing this:

Open My Computer
Tools – Folder Options – View
Uncheck Hide Extensions For Known File Types
Apply – OK
Go to C:\
Look at proxy.pac – is it still proxy.pac, or is it proxy.pac.txt? It must be proxy.pac – if not, rename it.

I hope this helps. I use a whole range of tricks some days, but this one is the simplest and fastest if you are not logging in. Note that proxy.pac is very easy to edit to allow for additional domains – simply copy/paste a section, change the domain, and save. Many thanks to LostLaowai for the idea.

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »