Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for December, 2007

Zheng He in the Headlines Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Zheng He Banner Under North Pole

A Chinese Xia class submarine, on an expedition below the Arctic, has found a banner, attributed to the historical Chinese fleet admiral Zheng He. A spokesman of the Chinese foreign ministry says this is proof that China has had rightful claims on the Arctic for almost 600 years. He also accused the Russian submarine expedition crew of August 2 of having stolen two further Zheng He banners from the same place where they had put the Russian flag. This had been a futile attempt to manipulate world opinion against China’s rightful claims on the Arctic, but the Russian explorers had fortunately overlooked a third Zheng He banner there, thus making their vain expedition a complete and disastrous failure.

A renowned Chinese academic explained that the banner has now been examined by his academy and found to be genuinely Zheng He-made. The banner was made of rust-proof titanium steel and has therefore remained well-preserved under the Arctic for ever since 1425. Along with it, today’s Chinese expedition found some waterproof documents written by Zheng He, saying that the Arctic was really China’s, and that the Russians and Japanese should just shut up. In one of these documents, Zheng He also called on all brave and patriotic Chinese students of later times in history to stand up to faked claims on Chinese Arctic territory, promulgated by foreign imperialist powers.

Taking questions from an extraordinarily convened press conference on this topic this afternoon, the foreign ministry spokesman pointed out that China has always known how to make rust-proof titanium banners, and that this was just another proof of the authenticity of the Zheng He flag. He also made it clear that China has known how to build submarines through all ages, and has always sailed the underworld of the Arctic.

Franz Bleeker

Who was the great ‘Chinese’ ‘Man’, Zheng He? A good question…

Zheng He was born in 1371 of the Hui ethnic group [descended from Arab and Persian Muslim traders] and the Muslim faith in modern-day Yunnan Province [now part of China], one of the last possessions of the Mongols. According to his biography in the History of Ming, he was originally named Ma Sanbao. His family name “Ma” came from Shams al-Din’s fifth son Masuh (Mansour). Both his father Mir Tekin and grandfather Charameddin had traveled on the hajj to Mecca. Their travels contributed much to the young boy’s education. In 1381, following the fall of the Yuan [Mongol] Dynasty, a Ming [Chinese] army was dispatched to Yunnan to put down the Mongol rebel Basalawarmi. Zheng He, then only a young boy of eleven years, was taken captive by that army and castrated, thus becoming a eunuch. He soon became a servant at the Imperial court. The name “Zheng He” was given by the Yongle emperor for meritorious service in the Yongle rebellion against the Jianwen Emperor. He studied at Nanjing Taixue (The Imperial Central College).

Zheng He led seven expeditions to what the Chinese called “the Western Ocean” [which we know as the Indian Ocean]. The latest ‘view’, advanced by Gavin Menzies, suggested Zheng’s fleet had travelled every part of the world. However, virtually every authority in the field denounces Menzies’ claims as baseless. According to Menzies [whose ‘researches’ are funded by the Chinese Communist Party], Zheng’s fleet explored virtually the entire globe, discovering West Africa, North and South America, Greenland, Iceland, Antarctica and Australia (except visiting Europe). Menzies also claimed that Zheng’s wooden fleet passed the Arctic Ocean. However none of the citations in his book 1421 are from Chinese sources and even scholars in China do not accept Menzies’s assertions.

At the beginning of the 1980s, his tomb was renovated in a more Islamic style, although he himself was buried at sea. The government of the People’s Republic of China uses him as a model to integrate the Muslim minority into the Chinese nation.

– Source: Wikipedia

Posted in China, Media | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Dishonest Landlords

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Further to a recent post concerning dishonest landlords in Shanghai, this is the follow-up…

As is usual, we paid a sizeable deposit when we took the place. We liked the location, and the apartment itself wasn’t too bad. The price was a bit high, but we accepted it.

Then, a few weeks ago, there was a bit of a slump in the local stockmarket. The same week, our landlady called and said that the rent was going up by 40%. Well, we have just moved out, and suffered the usual inspection before getting back our deposit.

The landlady (who brought with her a group of ‘friends’), discovered some damage – a chip was missing from an interior door. Photo below:


That wee nick, dear reader, cost me 6,000 RMB, in addition to the usual additional charges such as extra money to pay bills, etc. This, in a city where the average monthly income is just 1,400 RMB. The mind boggles.

But wait, was it really 6,000 kuai for a nick in a door? Of course not. The reason that was given, after all the ‘discussions’ had taken place? By not respecting the door, we had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

We had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

I shit ye not.

For what it’s worth, this particular landlady only rents to foreigners. So, if you’re looking for a place in Shanghai, and you’re concerned that this evil piece of shit may become your landlord, send me an email and I’ll give you all her details.


Posted in China | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

An Interesting Survey

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, December 14, 2007

I note with interest the results of a comprehensive survey, just published, on the attitude(s) of Chinese citizens to the Law. In particular this one…

85% of Chinese citizens don’t understand why the Law should apply to them.

Note: Those surveyed did not include any member of the Chinese Communist Party, or the State Security Services, to whom the Law does not in any case apply.

It is also interesting to note that conducting surveys is itself against the Law here in China. The surveyors did not, however, feel that this applied to them.

Posted in China | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Women of the Politburo

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2007

The women we look up to, if we know what’s good for us…


Name : Gao Xiao Jie – ‘Vivy’
Age : 25
Official Position : Assistant Vice Deputy Secretary, Harmonious Military Dancing Troupe Commission In An All Round Way; Massage Expert
Hobbies : “I very like sleeping, playing PC games, and shopping.”
Best Feature : “I am very diligent and Mr Hu say I have correct political opinion. One day I want to have trading company and very fashion. I like rice and so on. Mr Wen say I give good head.”

Posted in Pornography | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Welcome To Red China

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2007

Welcome To Red China


I first came to live in China back in 1992,
I thought I’d really like it, that I’d learn a thing or two.
I thought of Monks in orange robes sat up on a hill,
And how there weren’t no whores or hookers, and nobody popped pills.


I’d seen those lovely movies put out by the CCP
About how everyone was happy, and everyone was free,
And how the People were always diligent, and everyone was kind…
Then I got to immigration, and saw this great big sign:


Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
Our Women are cold-blooded monsters,
Our Men retarded runts.
We perch like bloody pigeons
And other stupid stunts.
Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.


I went out to a restaurant, to find out what they eat:
Insect parts and rodent’s guts and fuckin’ chickens feet!
And they wash it down with ‘baijiu’ – gasoline more like,
It’s the kind of muck that’ll keep you up chundering all night.


As for the bloody music, it was sickly Canton-pop,
And they were always yipping yapping, they never bloody stopped!
The constant din and racket was doing in me head,
When this ugly hooker waitress turned to me and said:


Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
Our Women are cold-blooded monsters,
Our Men retarded runts.
We ride motorbikes on the footpath
And other stupid stunts.
Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.


Anyone with any balls is sentenced to hard time.
The Chairman’s a bloody butcher, the CCP’s a herd of swine,
The Law is just a standing joke. Justice? I think I’ll pass,
And the Premier has his mouth connected to his arse.


I’ve been here more than fifteen years, it’s too late to go home –
I think the cancer’s got me in the stomach, lungs and bones,
And me nerves are all a shattered mess, and I’ve lost the will to live.
But with me final dyin’ breath this warning I will give:


Don’t come to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
The Women are cold-blooded monsters,
The Men retarded runts.
They always blame us foreigners
For all their stupid stunts.
So don’t come to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.

Posted in China | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Trade Fairs

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 9, 2007

China, as many of you may be aware, is home to an increasingly large number of Trade Fairs. A few of them are even worth going to. Some of them, of course, are merely put on to allow the local Party boys to claim expenses, and a large number are attended only by a handful of local companies who have been instructed to attend by the local Party bosses, in order to make them look good, but there are nevertheless a few that actually are important. Some, such as the Import and Export Fair in Canton, are quite useful.

China likes to think of Shanghai as being it’s premier business city. Never mind my personal views on that for now, let’s just go along with it. Shanghai, in turn, likes to think that the New International Expo Centre is it’s numero uno exhibition venue. And I will admit, it isn’t a bad place – apart from the obvious issues with poor access, hopeless organisation, and all the usual gripes, the place itself is large enough and modern enough to cope with most demands, and in fact there are events there almost every week.

Now, every time I go to a trade fair in China, I see the thieves at work – not the commercial thieves who are there just to steal your product ideas, but the petty thieves who steal whatever isn’t bolted down and then sell it in the street outside. Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre is a favourite haunt for these guys, and their number one target is not, as you might expect, the buyers. Oh no, it is in fact the exhibitors themselves. In particular, the notebook computers that the sales guys use.

If you are exhibiting at a trade fair in China, and your notebook computer goes missing, simply walk outside, and buy it back. It’s that easy. If you are exhibiting at the Shanghai New International Expo Centre, then you will need to walk a couple of blocks to the Long Yang Lu subway station.

Every year it is the same. Waves of petty crime and theft. Until this year. This year, the police had finally had enough of this petty crime, and took steps to bring it under control…

They took over the theft themselves.

Now, when you exhibitors lose your notebook computers, and you go outside to buy it back (Long Yang Lu subway station when at Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre), look for the nearest uniformed police officer. He is providing protection for the guy who stole your property, and he will make sure that the thief gets a fair price (how else will he be able to afford the protection fee?).

Welcome to China, enjoy your stay.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Corruption, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »