You’ve probably heard about how Panda’s are the cocksuckers of the Animal Kingdom. And it’s perfectly true: they are. However, there’s another animal out there that’s far worse than a poxy panda, and it’s a fucking fish!
I’m talking about dolphins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know already, I can hear the bleating from here: “Oh but the Dolphin isn’t a fish, it’s a marine mammal“. Blah blah blah. Like anyone even cares. If it looks like a fish, and swims like a fish, it’s a fish already. Except that this particular fish has more nasty habits than Al Capone.
But okay, just to shut you hippies the fuck up, let’s all pretend we’re David Attenborough, and imagine for a moment that dolphins really are mammals. And then we can hold them to a higher standard because of it. Now, here’s the full schpiel on Mama Nature’s second most horrible species, your beloved marine-stinking-mammal the dolphin…
Dolphins are murderers. That’s right, stone-cold killers. Gangs of these marine bastards have been repeatedly observed and filmed killing baby porpoises, ramming them, tossing them out of the water, drowning them and chasing them down to their deaths. This isn’t even a genetically-encoded behaviour, this is something that mother dolphins actually teach to their own young! There’s no reason for it either, because they don’t compete for food or space. It has been shown, however, that they do it for sport. We’d call it ‘Target Practise’. And why do they need such target practise?
Simply put, because porpoises make excellent substitutes for other baby dolphins, and dolphins just love to kill baby dolphins from other families. Yes, dolphins are that shitty.
In the old days, we used to blame the US Navy and all their bombs and stuff for killing all these porpoises, but now we know better, we really, honestly do.
A Cetacean Research and Rescue Unit team that studied this porpoise-murder described the mammals’ injuries as “perhaps the worst example of inter-specific aggression any of us had ever seen… [a] young female had literally had the life beaten out of her.”
Dolphins brutally kill the peaceful, fun-loving porpoise for kicks, and go on to practice infanticide on their own species. Jew-on-a-stick, that’s fucked up!
But it gets worse, because dolphins are also sexual predators… on us! It seems there’s this dolphin called ‘Freddy’ (yeah, as in ‘Kruger’ I bet), that has been swimming around the place, wrapping his sea-snake around innocent swimmers, and dragging them out to sea. That’s just fucking sick.
Folks, I am not making this up.
It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that dolphins were behind the recent leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
Anyway, why do I even care? Well, for me it started with this friend of mine (a nice girl but terribly naive about the world), who wrote on her blog of her recent experience with dolphins. She’d been swimming with them, apparently. Amazingly, she even lived to tell about it, and she went on to write about what “loving, fun, loyal, [and] unselfish” creatures they were.
What a crock of shit.
What the hell is it with these marine toerags that has every hippie all glowing and fuzzy? They’re always bleating on about how we should “protect these beautiful creatures”, but why? What’s so Goddamned important about dolphins?
I’ll tell you who I feel sorry for in all this: I feel sorry for the poor tuna who are innocently caught in the dolphin-nets. I’ve eaten dolphin, and it’s delicious! The last thing I want when I’m eating my sushi is the thought of all the tuna who died needlessly to ruin my appetite.
Take me to an aquarium, give me a sharp and pointy stick, and we’ll see how Mister Killer Sexual Predator Infanticide Rapist Dolphin fares against someone who is big enough to fight back.
But for goodness sake, leave the Tuna alone.