Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for September, 2010

Flipper? Nah, Sushi.

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You’ve probably heard about how Panda’s are the cocksuckers of the Animal Kingdom. And it’s perfectly true: they are. However, there’s another animal out there that’s far worse than a poxy panda, and it’s a fucking fish!

I’m talking about dolphins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know already, I can hear the bleating from here: “Oh but the Dolphin isn’t a fish, it’s a marine mammal“. Blah blah blah. Like anyone even cares. If it looks like a fish, and swims like a fish, it’s a fish already. Except that this particular fish has more nasty habits than Al Capone.

But okay, just to shut you hippies the fuck up, let’s all pretend we’re David Attenborough, and imagine for a moment that dolphins really are mammals. And then we can hold them to a higher standard because of it. Now, here’s the full schpiel on Mama Nature’s second most horrible species, your beloved marine-stinking-mammal the dolphin…

Dolphins are murderers. That’s right, stone-cold killers. Gangs of these marine bastards have been repeatedly observed and filmed killing baby porpoises, ramming them, tossing them out of the water, drowning them and chasing them down to their deaths. This isn’t even a genetically-encoded behaviour, this is something that mother dolphins actually teach to their own young! There’s no reason for it either, because they don’t compete for food or space. It has been shown, however, that they do it for sport. We’d call it ‘Target Practise’. And why do they need such target practise?

Simply put, because porpoises make excellent substitutes for other baby dolphins, and dolphins just love to kill baby dolphins from other families. Yes, dolphins are that shitty.

In the old days, we used to blame the US Navy and all their bombs and stuff for killing all these porpoises, but now we know better, we really, honestly do.

A Cetacean Research and Rescue Unit team that studied this porpoise-murder described the mammals’ injuries as “perhaps the worst example of inter-specific aggression any of us had ever seen…  [a] young female had literally had the life beaten out of her.

Dolphins brutally kill the peaceful, fun-loving porpoise for kicks, and go on to practice infanticide on their own species. Jew-on-a-stick, that’s fucked up!

But it gets worse, because dolphins are also sexual predators… on us! It seems there’s this dolphin called ‘Freddy’ (yeah, as in ‘Kruger’ I bet), that has been swimming around the place, wrapping his sea-snake around innocent swimmers, and dragging them out to sea. That’s just fucking sick.

Folks, I am not making this up.

It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that dolphins were behind the recent leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

Anyway, why do I even care? Well, for me it started with this friend of mine (a nice girl but terribly naive about the world), who wrote on her blog of her recent experience with dolphins. She’d been swimming with them, apparently. Amazingly, she even lived to tell about it, and she went on to write about what “loving, fun, loyal, [and] unselfish” creatures they were.

What a crock of shit.

What the hell is it with these marine toerags that has every hippie all glowing and fuzzy? They’re always bleating on about how we should “protect these beautiful creatures”, but why? What’s so Goddamned important about dolphins?

I’ll tell you who I feel sorry for in all this: I feel sorry for the poor tuna who are innocently caught in the dolphin-nets. I’ve eaten dolphin, and it’s delicious! The last thing I want when I’m eating my sushi is the thought of all the tuna who died needlessly to ruin my appetite.

Take me to an aquarium, give me a sharp and pointy stick, and we’ll see how Mister Killer Sexual Predator Infanticide Rapist Dolphin fares against someone who is big enough to fight back.

But for goodness sake, leave the Tuna alone.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 13 Comments »

Why The Century Of Humiliation?

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, September 26, 2010

“Because of their ignorance of the size of the earth and the exaggerated opinion they have of themselves, the Chinese are of the opinion that only China among the nations is deserving of admiration. Relative to the grandeur of empire, of public administration and of reputation for learning, they look upon all other people not only as barbarous but as unreasoning animals. To them there is no other place on earth that can boast of a king, of a dynasty, or of culture. The more their pride is inflated by this ignorance, the more humiliated they become when the truth is revealed.”

– Jesuit priest Matteo Ricci (1552–1610)

– Thank you, Neddy, for drawing my attention to this. –

Posted in Guest Post | 5 Comments »

Happy National Defense Education Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today (in China, obviously) is National Defense [sic] Education Day. That’s a cutesy name for what is really Stoke Up Nationalist Hatred Of Japan Day. It’s an ancient day of remembrance since 2007, and is celebrated by air-raid drills and a nationwide ringing of alarms.

It’s a good time then to take a quick look at the Senkaku Islands. China claims them to be an indisputable part of Chinese territory since ancient times (of course), but then China also says the same thing about Taiwan, Tibet, Korea, East Turkestan, Hawaii, Australia, the Arctic Ocean, and the entire South China Sea. I think it’s probably safe to say that their claim to the Senkaku Islands is based on equally substantial evidence, but for the record, let’s just take a quick look at what everyone else in the world considers to be ‘historical fact’:

The Senkaku Islands comprise five small volcanic islands and three rocky outcroppings with a total land area of just seven square kilometres. They were first discovered and mapped by Japanese explorers and finally were formally incorporated into Japanese territory in 1895. A number of surveys have been conducted on the islands, and no trace of any previous habitation or prior ownership has ever been found. Since 1895, the islands have continuously remained as an integral part of Japan’s territory.

In 1895, China and Japan also jointly signed the Treaty of Shimonoseki, in which the Emperor of China stated that: “China cedes to Japan in perpetuity and full sovereignty of the Penghu group, Taiwan and the eastern portion of the bay of Liaodong Peninsula together with all fortifications, arsenals and public property.” The Chinese now claim that the Treaty of Shimonoseki wasn’t fair, and refuse to recognise it today. They now claim that all the bits they ceded away are still theirs, regardless of the fact that they ceded them away in an internationally-recognised document. By their reckoning, therefore, the Senkaku islands are still part of China. Except, and here’s the kicker, that the Senkaku Islands were never part of the Pescadores group of islands that were ceded to Japan in the first place. As a result of this small and inconvenient truth, the Senkaku Islands were not included in the territory which Japan renounced under Article II of the 1952 Francisco Peace Treaty. They were instead placed under the administration of the United States as part of the Nansei Shoto Islands, in accordance with Article III of that treaty, with the United States later handing administrative rights back to Japan.

All this time, China made not the slightest objection to any of this. In fact, China had nothing at all to say on the entire subject until oil was discovered there at the end of 1970, when they suddenly and very conveniently produced ‘historical records’ proving that the Senkaku Islands had been used exclusively by China since 1403. Hmmm. Gavin Menzies would be impressed.

Anyway, moving on… Even China does not dispute the fact that Japan exercised control of the Senkaku Islands from 1895 until the Second World War, and in fact officially recognised the fact that the islands were part of Japan’s Okinawa Prefecture. So what’s the problem? I mean, apart from extreme nationalism, oil, and pig-ignorance, of course? Oh yes, a claim that a few Chinese fisherman caught some fish in the area back in 1403.

So, here’s my question:

Can sovereignty claims based on a complete lack of any legal, historical or physical evidence, and backdated to fourteenth century Asia, be considered as a basis of ownership in a modern international legal system?

I think not. And hey, for once the International Legal System is on my side.

Happy National Defense Education Day. Idiots.

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 12 Comments »


Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 13, 2010

Banjo’s are very cool, just ask these ol’ boys. And boy howdy do we have some banjo’s coming up for you good folks out there in Intertube Land! That’s right, stay tuned for more banjo’s than you can shake a stick at. And even better, it’s all for a Good Cause.

Banjo’s For Beijing

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

The Wonder of Evolution

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, September 5, 2010

Evolution is a wonderful thing. Truly wonderful.

Of course, when I refer to ‘evolution’, I don’t mean the kind of evolution that Americans can’t understand and will kill you for teaching to their children, but then what else should one expect from a sexually repressed and educationally backward nation of religious extremists and anyway they don’t really enjoy a nice cup of tea in the way that normal people do and all-in-all it’s probably a good thing we kicked them out of the Empire when we did, wouldn’t you agree? No, I’m talking about how habits and technologies evolve over time, how simple and primitive solutions to fundamental problems gather complexity and variety and sophistication. Think about it for a moment, and I’m sure you’ll be amazed too. If you have thought about it for a moment and you are not amazed, then you are probably not thinking about it with the use of your brain, in which case you really need to stop, back up a little, and have another go.

Take the way we eat, for instance. Primitive man pretty much just used to bung whatever he could find into his mouth and have a bit of a chew for a while, until such time as he was able to swallow it. And that was fine, if you’re into that sort of thing. Fortunately, at least one of our primitive ancestors, whose name is now lost to history but which is rumoured to be Dave, decided to cut his food into manageable bite-sized portions before eating it, and thus both the knife and the McNugget were born. This was a Big Step, make no mistake about it.

The next Big Step was the invention of cooking. The precise origins of cooking are not known, though the latest thinking on the subject suggests it was a driving factor behind our success as a species. The exact timing for the invention of cooking is also not known, though it is clear that it was slightly prior to dinner and slightly after the invention of fire (fire was invented, according to Chinese school text books, during the Xia Dynasty, though some foreign anti-China forces have claimed that fire occurs naturally). The thing about fire and cooking, is that it made the food hot. Now, that’s lovely during the cold months and it does certainly add something to the taste, but it also makes the food a bit tricky to hold onto, particularly during the actual cooking phase of the operation. One of our primitive boffin ancestors soon had that problem licked, though: he invented the fork.

By now you can see that we had the basics all worked out: something to cook the food on, and a knife and fork to eat it with. The logical chain made perfect sense, and evolution proceeded smoothly and as you would expect – knives got better handles and finer edges and specialised shapes, while forks grew multiple tines and became better at holding the food. In fact, not only was that the logical way for things to progress, if you were to invent a new system from scratch with all the advantages of hindsight and modern technology, chances are you would do exactly the same thing, and it would be only a matter of time before you had plates and soup tureens and a candelabra laid out on the table with which to impress the ladies.

The Chinese, of course, thought that balancing small and slippery bits of food between two round sticks held between just three fingers of just one hand was a more efficient system. And that, fundamentally, is the difference between them and the rest of the species. Evolution didn’t do anything to improve on their system, neither did hindsight nor modern technology. Not even exposure to the more culturally and scientifically sophisticated concept of ‘knife and fork’ could change things for the better.

Some people have always wanted to improve our lot in life, whereas certain other people have always liked to make things more complicated than they need to be. Take for instance what our ancestors did when they had cold hands – it wasn’t like they could put them in their pockets like a kangaroo. Someone had to go out and invent hand-clothes. Which also meant inventing needle and thread and a whole heap of other stuff involving skinning animals and what-have-you. These hand-clothes changed the world, they really did. For the first time in history, you didn’t have to worry about cold hands when you went out, and therefore people went out more often, leading directly to the invention of pubs and modern nightlife.

The first hand-clothes were simple affairs, little more than fur-lined bags you could put your hands in. But evolution took over, and soon these bags had become form-fitting so that you could have the full use of your hand and fingers – nowadays we call these ‘gloves’. I’m a big fan of gloves, because I like riding motorcycles. And this brings us to an interesting observation, because there are one and a half billion Chinese people who also like riding motorcycles (if not very skilfully), and yet they don’t use gloves. They use little bags for their hands. Even worse than the fact that evolution never had the slightest effect on the concept of hand-clothes here in the Middle Kingdom, is the fact that it might actually have gone in reverse: instead of the bags becoming better and more flexible, the Chinese came up with a system whereby the bags are tied to the handlebars of the motorcycle and you thread your arms into them, thus precluding the possibility of your getting off the motorcycle with your arms still attached to your body in the event of an emergency, like a truck and a blind corner, for instance.

One sees this in every single aspect of life here in China. When you want entertaining, you probably pay to go to a concert, or the theatre, or a comedy club. Here in China, we get a first-class comedy show every day on every street, for free! How good is that?

In fact, I have given the subject of evolution some serious thought of late, and I have come to the staggering but frankly only possible conclusion, which is that evolution does not exist in China, except perhaps in a negative sense.

Perhaps that’s why the national motto is : 5,000 years and still developing.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Food | 37 Comments »