Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for June, 2011

Creative Solutions Inc.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 27, 2011

As anyone with several neural connections knows, China is a land of many, err, challenges. From an under supply of harmonicas, to an over supply of river mud crabs, we need to find creative and novel solutions. However, dealing with the, err, issues here is a difficult task being that they are so multitudinous. So ideal solutions should solve several problems at once.

We warmly invite our valued readers to find some new ideas.

To get the ball rolling, I have devised a few solutions.

The Cunt Flavoured Beer Company
No, we don’t mean it tastes like Hu Jin Tao. We mean it tastes like bearded clam, fur pie, muff… This product solves two problems at once: the lack of flavour in Chinese swill, and the lack of desire in Chinese men to please their women. Investors are eagerly being sought now.

The RMB Toilet Paper Company
Reduces paper usage, removes poor quality notes from circulation thus reducing inflation as there is less money moving around. Also reminds us that anything that can be bought with RMB is probably shit anyway. Investors needed.

We were going to try and introduce Moral Sensitive Sunglasses, but the prototypes never become translucent within the mainland. Hope you can devise some more.

Posted in Guest Post | 9 Comments »

It’s the Little Things

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I’ve been on the road lately. Actually, the last few months have been a whirlwind of airports and planes and hotel rooms, and there just hasn’t been any time left over for this. Sorry about that. My apologies also to the people who have sent in Guest Posts – I will definitely put some of them up in the next few days.

In the meantime, here’s something for you to consider: When one travels as much as I have recently, one sometimes loses track of where one is. Airports all look the same and it just so happens that there are days when I myself don’t know which country I’m in any longer. As a result, I tend to look for small clues, unique to each country, that help me identify the place. For example, if you are looking idly at a girl and thinking “not bad tits” but you have the feeling that something isn’t quite right, and you then notice the five o’clock shadow on the lip and the mole with the long, luxuriant hairs growing out of it, and then you realise you’re actually looking at a collection of walking, inherited chromosomal disorders, and then you notice a wetness on your cheeks caused by your eyes bleeding because the smell is so intense that your sinuses have prolapsed, and that the appalling shrieks and jabberings around you are not, in fact, from the Baboon House at London Zoo, but are in fact being emitted by the general population around you, and then you notice that not all the wetness on your cheeks is blood, because your eyes are in fact also streaming with tears of self-pity, because your subconscious is a bit quicker on the uptake than you are…

THAT’S the moment you know you are back in China.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 4 Comments »