Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for July, 2010

The Price Of Poontang

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 29, 2010

I received an email from a reader recently, pointing me in the direction of a website that concerns itself with statistics of various sorts. Now, I don’t know if this is your sort of thing, but I simply love statistics, so MLHQ has been knee deep in numbers for the last few days.

Did you know, for instance, that the value of the prostitution industry in Australia is twenty seven million U.S. dollars? I’m frankly staggered, and have to assume they aren’t including all the keen amateurs who marry for money or expect blokes to buy them drinks and steak dinners. The figure for the U.K. is more realistic, around a billion dollars, which is just a little over half of what gets done in much smaller Taiwan ($1.84B). I was not surprised to see that Thailand, long regarded as the sex capital of the world, has a annual turnover of 4.3 billion dollars, but I was a bit surprised to see the Philippines at six billion green-backs. American men are obviously not getting any from their wives, because they are spending 14.6 billion dollars annually on prostitutes, but in Germany, where the industry is legal and regulated, the figure is eighteen billion!

In China, it’s seventy three billion dollars a year! That’s USD$73,000,000,000 per year!

So, you might be thinking, “Wow, that’s a lot of poon getting tanged, but after all there must be a reason Shanghai is called ‘the Whore of the Orient’, right?” And you would be correct, because most economists I’ve talked to, quietly reckon that prostitution is not only the only State-owned business that turns a profit, it also accounts for between ten and twenty percent of true GDP. Add in the fact that Chinese women really are the most unfaithful in the world, and you can understand why China has the worlds highest rate of syphilis – and it’s growing by 30% every year (that’s a faster rate than any other country).

But it isn’t the only big number you see when you start getting into the statistics. Take illegal logging, for instance. That’s 3.8 billion dollars right there, and that’s only what the Party admits to. Music, film, DVD and software piracy add up to more than 20 billion, while the counterfeit goods market is worth 60 billion. China’s contribution to the global drug trade is 17 billion dollars annually, and human trafficking brings in another 2 billion every year, almost as much as the cigarette smuggling industry. To get an idea of volume, a Burmese girl between the age of 16 and 18 who has been snatched from her home and sent to China (and several thousand are every year), is worth approximately $700 when sold as a bride in the countryside. A Chinese girl would be worth far less. The black market is worth nearly a hundred and sixty billion dollars a year!

The reports say that one third of homosexual men in China are married, but I might have read it wrong – it could have been one third of married men are raving queers, which seems rather more likely. Thirty-five percent of organ transplants take place via the application of forged documents, with almost all the rest being harvested from prisoners killed to order. Ninety percent of female North Korean refugees in China end up sold either as wives or prostitutes and sixty thousand Chinese children are abducted and sold annually. Non-performing loans are estimated to be worth nine hundred billion dollars! Seventy three million sharks are killed every year for their fins, 100,000 pangolin’s find their way to the dinner table, and 3,000 tons of protected and endangered animals are annually smuggled in from Vietnam alone for the restaurant trade (that’s why I only eat Panda).

These are big numbers, almost too big to comprehend. Let’s look at numbers you can get your head around, shall we? Like the price to be smuggled out of China and into another country – average price to go to Italy is $15,000 but that probably includes buying off every Italian official in the whole country. But if you’re Chinese and don’t have that kind of money, then why not just stay home and dull the pain of your worthless life with drugs? Pure heroine is cheap at $36.20 a gram, Meth is $6 a gram, Ecstasy is $4.50 per tablet, and Marijuana is a great deal at eighty cents a gram. And if it’s really bad and you decide to end your life, you always have the option of breathing the worlds most polluted air or eating the local food, though I wouldn’t recommend it due to the intense suffering you’re likely to experience (world’s highest rate of food poisoning). Hell, buy yourself a bear paw before you check out; a snap at $50.

Well over half of all the world’s seized counterfeit goods come from China, as do 90% of the counterfeit goods in the whole of the United States (64% in Europe). Chinese organised crime (which in China means ‘working with the blessings of the Party’) earned 3.3 billion dollars for the nation in Italy alone last year. Industrial espionage against the United States is worth in excess of fifty billion dollars a year!

Not one single Chinese policeman has ever arrested the top leaders for crimes against humanity, however.

Folks, I’m not making this stuff up – these numbers are based on official sources.

I love statistics, so if there’s any readers here who consider themselves a ‘numbers’ kind of person, and would like to discuss these shameful and disgusting statistics, feel free to be ignored in the comments section below.

I’m off to see if it still costs $10 to get my knob polished outside the nearby school.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Corruption, Fact Friday, Pornography | 8 Comments »

New Policy

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 19, 2010

I’ve had it with a certain group of ‘people‘. But rather than go off on another non-productive rant, I have come up with a better policy. Behold the magnificence of my genius:

Whenever a local yokel lies / cheats / steals from my business, I shall fire one of my workers.

This will not fix the basic problem, because of course the basic problem is that 99.99% of Chinese are lying, cheating, stealing cunts, so it ain’t fixable anyway (well, short of opening the door of a fifteen mega-tonne microwave oven over the centre of every major city in China). It won’t adversely affect my production either, because I’ve never seen Chinese actually doing any work. But it will make me feel good, and that’s what matters.

I wish I’d started a business in a country like Hong Kong or Taiwan.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 21 Comments »

If MyLaowai Was In Charge…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Boy howdy, if I was in charge, there’d be a few changes around the parish:

As of today, replying to any question or statement with a noise that sounds like a barking troglodyte is illegal. And so is grunting “Shenma?”.

Believing that the Titanic was a romantic film and nothing more is illegal. It is also proof positive that there is a difference between one’s education being ‘for free’, and being ‘for nothing’.

The word “Hello” or any synonyms thereof must be used only as a friendly greeting, or you will be acting illegally, and are liable to experience summary execution.

If you are a woman who has been waiting in the checkout line at a supermarket and now it is time to pay for your three items, then spending the next eight and a half minutes trying (and failing) to find the exact change, organising your receipts, composing text messages and checking your make-up is illegal.

If you have just spent the last fifteen minutes elbowing your way to the counter at the bar / KFC / McDonalds, finally attracted the attention of the nearest staff member by waving a 100 kuai note at them, and then say “Hmmm… What do you sell? What is on special? Can I have a discount?”, then that is very illegal.

If you leave every open door closed and every closed door open, then that is illegal. I don’t care if you were conceived in a wind tunnel. The same general principle may reasonably be extended to cover lights and air-conditioning units.

Attending important international summits with the sole intention of ruining it for everyone else will be extremely illegal.

If you are a plumber you must not pass yourself off as an electrician, and vice versa. If you are repairing something, then that must be the thing you actually repair. Failure to actually repair it, despite replacing everything else in the room at vastly inflated rates, is illegal.

If you are unable to reverse (or ‘parallel’) park a car without the help of four assistants, three empty parking bays, and twenty minutes worth of time, then you are not permitted under any circumstances to make the attempt. In fact, you are not permitted to operate the vehicle at all. Note that ‘park’ means that your car is not obstructing passing traffic or pedestrians, and therefore leaving it on the footpath or in one of the road lanes does not count.

If you are an oncologist, and you consider that giving patients a henna tattoo and a bag of dried twigs is an acceptable form of treatment, then that is illegal.

With immediate effect all of the following are illegal: Food that was dredged from the moat around the local Town Hall; anything described as ‘traditional’; pickled cabbage; any part of an animal that is known in civilised places as ‘offal’; the parts of a chicken that are made of cartilage and sinew; grass and/or leaf mulch.

Opening your mouth to speak or exhale in public without first removing the mushroom farm and brushing with toothpaste is very illegal. Offenders will be fumigated on the spot with petrol and a match.

Failure to honour contractual agreements is not only illegal, it’s also uncivilised. First offence will be rewarded with a warning shot between the eyes. 100 grains of soft lead will generally cure you of your dishonesty.

This list is non-exhaustive and subject to change by MyLaowai at any time.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China | 9 Comments »

Great Scott!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A reader with a sense of occasion has just notified me of this:

The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

Posted in China | 1 Comment »

From the Vault – China 2007

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 5, 2010

Though I did not eat as many crayons as PiPi growing up, I’m sure we all remember the first day we tasted wax. How can something *look* so tasty, yet be totally bland. But I digress. Due to the sissy-fication of America, Crayon colour’s names have been slowly but surely changed over the years in order to be more politically correct. For example, in 1962 the crayon colour “flesh” was renamed to “peach”. A travesty of justice in my opinion.The replacement name should have been more suited to represent both the actual colour AND the history of the crayon’s original name. I would have named it “honkey-hued-hei-ren-hanging-honeydew”. Having said that, let me present the Sinocidal Chinese CrayonColours. Be sure to suggest your own colour names as well!

The Sinocidal Ones – R.I.P.

By kind permission of LaoLao.

Posted in Guest Post | 7 Comments »

Happy America Day, Or Something

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 4, 2010

Dear America,

How have you been? Your mother and I often worry about you, in fact we have done ever since you threw your toys out of the pram and left back in 1776 over what was, let’s face it, a fairly minor incident. Something to do with not liking your tea, as I recall. Still, you’ve made do with a rather dreary imitation of coffee since then and, as you seem to enjoy it, I guess that’s what counts.

I heard you were to play in a soccer tournament, congratulations. I’m not sure exactly when it is, but if you play sport the same way as you play war – wait until half time, see which team is winning, and then join in on their side – then we all have no doubts you’ll do wonderfully!

Auntie Popadopalopalopalopalous has been a bit unwell recently, it seems she followed the advice of a doctor who turned out to be a bit of a snake-oil salesman, but fortunately she’s amongst people who care about others and we’re sure she’ll pull through eventually.

Anyway, we hope you are well and that adolescence isn’t treating you too unkindly. Any time you need some advice from your older brothers and sisters, or from your parents, please do feel free to write. And remember to play nicely with the Q’uran children – their parents are your landlords, after all. Oh, and before I forget, your mother has asked me to remind you to wash your hands after playing with little Wang Xiangsheng – you know what a dirty boy he is!

Right then, must dash. Here’s your present – unwrap it when you get home. Happy birthday, America. Grow up soon.

Love, Dad.

America Day

Posted in Festivals et al | 108 Comments »

Cost to Repair

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 2, 2010

If you are faced with a conglomeration of pieces of plastic and metal that, just a few days ago, represented a working piece of essential equipment and which is, sadly, no longer in a condition that one might refer to as operational, then this is what you do:

First, write down on a piece of paper the cost to repair or replace said piece of equipment. Then, in a separate column, write down the IQ of the Chinese person who last used it.

One of these numbers will invariably be rather high. The other will be exceptionally low.

This exercise will not help you restore to nominal function the item in question, nor will it make you feel any better. It will, however, remind you of the fact that some folks were hiding behind the door when God was handing out brains, and will go some way towards recalling to memory the fact that MyLaowai is now, was always, and will likely continue to be correct in every particular when it comes to cultural understanding.

And remember – a penny saved is a Chinese person fired.

Have a happy day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 6 Comments »