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Archive for January, 2010

Best Joke of 2009

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 21, 2010


Two women were sitting together, quietly.

– Paul Stephenson

Posted in China | 4 Comments »

Al Qaeda Emergency Talks

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 18, 2010

Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Alick Maballsac told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr. Maballsac accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Asheet Mapanz alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Maballsac. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Usuka Macok explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Macok.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that… it’s too much to swallow”.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons for the Chinese, Thai and Australian unions stated that their operations would not be affected, as there were no virgins in their areas anyway.

Posted in Newsflash | 2 Comments »

Now you CAN vote in China!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 is upon us, and promises to be the most glorious and harmonious year ever! Yes folks, the MyLaowai crew are already nose to the grindstone, creating genuine hand-crafted posts out of genuine, non-imitation meaty goodness for the entire family.

With that in mind, we’re sending up a balloon, looking for a show of hands, taking note of the numbers, conducting a census, canvassing for your opinion, testing the waters, and begging for a ballot. Put another way, we have a question to ask of you:

Which Award do you prefer to see more of in 2010? We have the time honoured, traditional, and very famous in the world Wet Pussy Award, the very fashion and diligent Soggy Box, and the surprising third option, which is very good for your healthy and promises to invigorate your Wang and balance your Chi. It will probably do something for your Vitalkidneyfunction, too.

So don’t delay, vote today! It’s probably illegal but we’re crazy that way. Go to the polls, cast your ballot, exercise your ticking hand, and make your voice heard. Good luck, and may you never be imprisoned, tortured, or shot for your efforts.

Posted in Democracy | 7 Comments »