Happy Chrismschanukwanzikah!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient of said wish.

By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Merry Xmas from the MyLaowai Christmas Crew

I just downloaded and watched the Kappa Slut’s video. I just wasted 12 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and I’m not happy about it. I’d have been better off having a shit. But hey, at least now I can do my famous-in-the-world XXXmas Porn Review, right?

So, the plot: There’s this Shanghainese (presumably) whore with a face like a box of frogs who has all the warmth and charm of a lemon that lost a fight with a mangle. She runs naked into the room, and proceeds to suck off a very young boy – judging by the size of his cocktail stick, he’s probably a kindergärtner. I’ve seen bigger dicks in J-Porn, honestly. It’s pathetic. Then she spits the lot out, which is an absolute no-no in any setting.

The cast: Well, first off, we have Kappa Slut. She’s not particularly good-looking as you may have already gathered. Her features are suggestive of a dog that chased a parked bus and caught it at high speed. She has a noxious growth of long vile hair in the nether regions that would have had Stanley and Livingston reaching for their jungle machetes, and a pair of hopelessly thin chopsticks in place of legs. I’ll admit that she has charleys that meet the minimum standards, but they are shaped like sacks of wet flour and do little to impress. Then we have the Stud, a wastrel of a boy with an unwashed weiner and a stained pair of Y-front undercrackers, who doesn’t last more than a few minutes before getting shot of his mucky water.

The verdict: Zero out of Ten. Go and watch Goo 4 Two if you want to see something with some genuine porn value, or Flesh Gordon for those amongst you who are nostalgic. Even Schindlers Fist and Saving Ryan’s Privates had more class than this rubbish.

Merry Christmas or, as they say in China, Happy Receive Gifts Day.

This is an appeal to all my readers, on behalf of one of our favourite Agents in the field.

It seems that our Agent, whom we shall refer to as Agent X from America, even though his name is Michael and he lives in China, has gotten himself noticed by the Enemy, who have declared a fatwa on him. A recent intel report from Agent X quoted sources deep inside XXXXXXXXXX and XXXXX XXXXXXXX. As a result of this, the Enemy have been saying bad things about our Agent, and this simply cannot be tolerated.

By way of paying back these potty-mouthed fenqing for their affrontery, Spymaster MyLaowai is requesting you dedicate your Sunday Vote to improving his standing in the China Blog Awards. Maybe your Monday Vote, too. Whatever, the point is to get our man ahead in the polls. Your vote for him won’t hurt me, as he is in the News section.

Vote here, please.

You are dismissed now – please close the door on your way out.

AWAY IN ZHONGNANHAI
(to the tune of ‘Away in a Manger’)

Away in Zhongnanhai,
No tears for the proles shed,
The Chinese Party Chairman,
Dyed his grey haired head.

The stars on the red flag,
Looked down where he embezzled,
The stalwart Chinese economy,
Was starting to look disheveled.

The foreigners are going,
The milk products are fakes,
But the Chinese Party Chairman,
No reforms he makes.

I ask thee, Party Chairman,
What are you gonna do?
Your factories are closing,
And your surname is Hu.

How bad is this recession,
How deep and how long?
But there’s little you can do,
When your people are all Wong.

But chin up, Party Chairman,
Though all is not bright,
The Western economies,
Are e-qual-ly sh*te.

Santa Claus is coming to always in town.

For all of you out there, adults and children alike, waiting for Santa Claus to visit your comfy Chinese homes well, I’m afraid there’s some bad news. Santa was refused a visa this year! It was announced on the China Daily website that “due to continued strong enforcement of the visa regulations during the wind down from the most successful Olympics ever, Mr. Claus and his reindeers were refused visas. Mr. Claus has been under investigation for a long time and is suspected of smuggling goods across international borders in order to avoid paying import duty and VAT to the people of China.” When questioned about how Santa could be expected to pay import duty on goods that he intends to give away free of charge, it was pointed out that “giving goods away free of charge is considered the actions of charitable institutions” and that “Santa Claus is not registered as a Charity in China”.

Other reasons cited were that the Reindeer didn’t have the correct and certified quarantine and vaccination documents from the authorities and were considered a health risk. Rudolph is apparently exempt these procedures because his nose proves that he is of Chinese origins and a strong committed communist party member. It was also pointed out on the website that the great majority of the goods that Mr. Claus transports for distribution are toys and the safety of the public is a concern as there was no paperwork submitted with the visa application that detailed the country of origin of the toys and China was not prepared to reimport the shit it had exported.

However, there’s more to this story and we must not forget that the real Santa is Chinese and is with us everyday. As the roughly translated famous Chinese Christmas song says,

You better watch out
You better not lie
You better not vote
I’m telling you why
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He’s making a list,
Checking it twice;
Gonna find out who’s not getting rice.
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He sees you when you are blogging
And when you’re reading the news
He knows if you’ve been surfing porn
So be good and hide your views

Etc.

Remember, next time you sign a contract to stay in China, there’s no such thing as a Sanity Clause.

.

Toothpaste for Dinner

I’ve got a bit of a bee in my bonnet. I’m feeling peevish, irritable and testy. Or, put another way, acrimonious, cantankerous, captious, cranky, cross, crotchety, fractious, grouchy, grumpy, ill-natured, mean, ornery, out-of-sorts, pertinacious, querulous, splenetic, and tetchy.

For the benefit or those who only speak Microsoft English, this means I’m pissed (a phrase which means ‘drunk’ throughout the civilised world and even in parts of Australia, and the fact that I’m sober isn’t helping any).

It isn’t because ChinaDaily has this headline:

Ethnic Chinese tipped as US energy chief

Secretary of Labor Elaine Lan Chao will go out with the Bush administration next month – but there is likely to be another ethnic Chinese in the US Cabinet.

Comment: It is very gratifying to know that the new American administration has chosen one of us the Chinese to be a member of the government at the White House.
This shows that the Chinese people have genetic wisdom and endowed with natural intelligence and they are in public offices all over the world from north to south and east to west.
Cheers and congratulations Nobel Laureate Chu…!

And it isn’t because the lead story in every paper in the nation is:

Experts debate China’s role in Somalia mission

Chinese military strategists and international relations experts are debating whether China should dispatch its navy to the troubled waters off Somalia.

The debate was first kicked off by Major-General Jin Yinan of the National Defense University, when he told a radio station last week that “nobody should be shocked” if the Chinese government one day decides to send navy ships to deal with the pirates.

[…]

China has never dispatched any troops for combat missions overseas.

Comment: Chinese Liberation Army should exercise more abroad, because it is important to play a more energetic role in international affairs.Furthermore, China has not military combat for a long time, which is not helpful to miltitary [sic] capacity of the Navy.

No, it isn’t either of those ChinaDaily articles. It’s bloody CNN, and their bullshit, emotional appeals to the good people of the world to visit their website and get ideas for helping the poor sick people of North Korea, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Burma, and just about everywhere else a brutal dictator has his people by the short and curlies.

Fine. Play it your way. Help these people. Send money and food and medicine and whatever the hell else your charitable heart can suggest. Try to ignore the fact that your donations go directly towards propping up bastards like Robert Mugabe, General Than Shwe, Omar Hassan, and Kim Jong Il. Try not to think about the fact that, even if you did save thousands of people, they’d never know it was you, and would never thank you if they did. Definitely don’t think about how their children will grow up hating your children. So yeah, go ahead.

Alternatively, you could try addressing the problem directly, and shooting the motherfuckers who are in charge of the whole god-damned mess and who never seem to get called out. What’s that? You’re not squeamish, are you? What do you mean, we can’t just shoot people we don’t like?

Why the fuck not? We don’t hesitate to kill their civilian populations by the villageful. Why not just simply earmark a single JDAM to the task, and blow these evil cunts into small, sticky pieces? Try to think of any collateral damage as bonus points. Their people will thank you for it, trust me.

And here’s the real kicker: Just who is it that keeps these evil, sadistic butchers in power? Look at that list again, and see what they have in common, in terms of their friends… Which nation supports them all militarily, financially, and politically?

Correct. Grow some balls and earmark one of those JDAM’s for Beijing, chaps, while you’re at it.

And now it is time to get pissed drunk. Merry Christmas, bah humbug!

It was recently noted that the difference between being in a black Audi A6 driven by Hu Jintao, and putting your hand down the front of his trousers, was that you’d feel more of a dick being seen in the Audi.

Which is probably true.

Which brings us nicely to the all-important question that is on the lips of the nation: how big is his cocktail sausage? Well, fret ye not, citizens, for now Mr Hu need only take this short test, which isn’t very long, and he will know the answer…

1. A religious leader you have never met and about whom you know almost nothing, meets with the President of a country you have never been to and about which you know almost nothing. How do you feel?
+1″ Excellent news – sounds like an excuse for another Martini.
-1″ I’m offended on behalf of all [insert dickless nation]’s People.
-2″ Boycott something!

2. Your ideal car is a… what?
+1″ Aston Martin V8 Vantage, DB7, DBS, or DB9.
-1″ Black VW Santana…
-2″ …with extra chrome bling.

3. A titless, hipless, malnourished skank is demanding yet another new mobile phone in exchange for sexual favours.
+1″ Kick the bitch into touch and disinfect your foot.
-1″ Isn’t that just a normal relationship with a normal skank beautiful traditional girl?
-2″ Wo ai ni xiaojie!

4. You wish to make a purchase, but there’s a queue. What do you do?
+1″ Join the queue. Like a civilised person who has nothing to prove.
-1″ Push in, get kicked out, shout and make a scene, storm off in a huff, come back and try again.
-2″ What means queue?

5. There’s rain / sun / snow [delete as appropriate]. What do you do?
+1″ A hat ought to cover all contingencies. I’m off to the pub.
-1″ Where’s my umbrella?
-2″ It’s too wet / hot / cold to go out [delete as appropriate].

6. It’s Friday night and time to relax. Where do you go?
+1″ The pub. Or a wine bar. A cocktail lounge would do. Or a club inna pinch.
-1″ I’m staying home to eat delicious food and sleep, which are my two favourite hobbies.
-2″ A stained settee in a small dark room, with a diseased skank who pours me small drinks, sound grand.

7. It’s 4:00 PM and you’ve several hours more work to do before you can finish for the day. Your thoughts?
+1″ Work is work, and a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. A job worth doing is worth doing well.
-1″ It’s only the work I didn’t finish yesterday. Who’ll notice?
-2″ What? 4:00 PM already and I haven’t embezzled my company today?! I’d better get busy!

8. Your writing is based on pictographs.
+1″ I’m an ancient Egyptian.
+1″ I’m an ancient Phoenician.
+1″ I’m an ancient Aztec.
+0″ I draw pictures when I want to write, but I’m just a baby.
-1″ I draw pictures when I want to write, but I’m none of the above.

So, how long is it?

0″ or less – Congrats, you’ve won the ‘”Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Wang, I expect you to cry“‘ Trophy

0-2″ – Why not just go home and beat your wife and kids to prove your Manliness? Again.

2-3″ – I bet you spend hours at the gym blow-drying your pubes, don’t you? I hate you. And so does your mistress.

3-4” You’re the winner of the John Bobbit Award. Might I suggest you consider a career in the Adult Entertainment Industry, as a Thespian making dodgy films with dodgier skanks? Just try not to twitch when the Director calls “Cut!”

4-5″ Fair enough, you’re still a boy. Keep at it, Sparky.

5-8″ A normal person. You might as well Vote MyLaowai while you’re here.

8+” Mr Holmes, you’re required on set.