Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for March, 2010

An Email Exchange With A Curious Friend

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 26, 2010

An Email Exchange With A Curious Friend:

Q: Maybe you can explain this to me?

A: I am very glad that you have enquired as to the meaning of this popular nursery rhyme which must seem inscrutable to a foreign aggressor such as yourself. Well you see, under 60 years of the glorious leadership of the Communist Party, China has become a “Harmonious Society.” In fact, everything in New China is just so Harmonious that The People fear to even utter the word Harmonious (héxié). As a result of this, all devoted cadres out of respect to the founder of the theory of “The Harmonious Society”, the Chairman of the Central Military Commission, President, General Party Secretary, Paramount Leader, His Serene Harmoniousness, Comrade Hu Jintao, choose to use a near-homophone of “River Crab” (héxiè) in a warm and touching reference to the bounty of fresh seafood to be found every day in every peasant’s iron rice bowl. Some words, phrases, books, films and websites are just too Harmonious for New China and thus need to be Harmonised.

For example, just this very week, the Party harmonised the Chinese page of Google which was acting rather un-Harmonious of late after redirecting their page to Hong Kong to take advantage, as imperialistic aggressors are wont to do, of the much lower standard of living and backward financial system there. As another excellent example (just an example you understand), if you happen to be the Paramount Leader and your son is wanted for questioning over a corruption scandal involving millions of dollars in Namibia, you may simply harmonise the word “Namibia” and your son’s name, (again, just for example: “Hu Haifeng”) and your problem is solved. You see there is no end to the elegant simplicity of the Harmonious Society which is glorified and praised on every street in blazing red banners and large white print.

The Harmonious Society is the most recent of the philosophical outpourings of the enlightened Party Leadership, coming as it does after Comrade Jiang Zemin’s “The Three Represents”. Comrade Jiang’s theory, in a nutshell, is that 3 represents 3, thus solving the greatest mathematical question that has dogged Chinese mathematicians for millennia. Mathematics as you know was invented in China 5,000 years ago and Comrade Jiang’s theory is it’s crowning achievement and envy of the world.

Prior to this was Comrade Deng Xiaoping’s aptly named “Deng Xiaoping Theory” This grand theory of everything is charmingly told in parables about different coloured cats catching mice. “Deng Xiaoping Theory” consists primarily of Free Market Capitalism (which Comrade Deng invented whilst pondering “Chinese Characteristics”). Free market Capitalism is of course no way different or contrary to Marxist Dialectic Materialism, Socialism, compulsory collectivisation, land reform or proletarian revolution, which was all brought seamlessly and without struggle or loss of life to New China in 1949. Furthermore, despite the obvious temptation to do so, not one single high ranking party official was made wealthy as a result of Comrade Deng’s ideas in the last 30 years of “Reform and Opening up”, as they all chose instead to direct all gains to world-class medical care and high wages for factory workers. In fact all Comrade Deng needed to do to inaugurate this essentially communist doctrine was to visit the south of China, utter the words “Open up!”, and it was done; and he was pleased. Another immortal phrase of his, “Open fire!” in 1989, lead to Tiananmen Square becoming very Harmonious indeed. After over 30 years of Deng Xiaoping Theory, New China has become an economic power-house with it’s per-capital GDP now on a par with that of Angola and Namibia. As a result Comrade Deng is fondly remembered by The People and Party cadres alike as a leader of great stature out of all proportion to his physical height.

However the greatest of Theories and the most luminous system of thought is “Mao Zedong Thought.” This, the most lofty system of all Thoughts, is contained in the vast repository of “The Collected Works of Chairman Mao Zedong.” New China’s universities are simply abuzz with discussion, and debate on ‘Thoughts of the Great Helmsman’ and the ‘Mao Zedong Sixiang’ course (which is in no way compulsory or a pre-requisite for graduation) is universally attended. In my time in China, not once did I see a set of these hallowed volumes offered for sale in the many second-hand book dealers in this most bookish of nations. These volumes are the living beating red sun in the heart of every home and none are willing to part with them, not even for ready money. They are passed from generation to generation at each man’s coming of age ceremony at age 35. To be sure, the gaiety of this ceremony is lent a certain charm by the guarantee of the youngster’s first blow-job from a syphilitic karaoke girl and the father-to-son chats about how to impress the ladies with the rakish white socks and black leather shoe combination and summertime underarm rolling up of one’s T-shirt, but the sanctity and pure intellectual delight of the event springs from the gift of these volumes, the very apex of 5,000 years of history.

This immortal collection containing essays on agrarian socialism for beginners, stories about running dogs, calligraphy, great leaps forward in rapid weight loss, how to start a civil war, wife swapping tales from the Jiangsi Soviet, how to craft cute origami paper tigers (invented in China NOT that “small island”, He hastens to add!), tips for dental hygiene, vast reams of poetry and how to make Spicy Hunanese Red Braised Pork dishes on the run (this last for practitioners of guerrilla warfare). Insightful is His Curriculum Vitae from 1976 with only two entries: “Part-time library assistant, Peking University, 1920 – 1922” and “Great Helmsman, 1949 – 1976. There is even a recipe for His favourite cocktail (three parts vodka, one part delicious baijiu), called the “Sino-Soviet Split.” As you can see Mao Zedong Thought is the backbone of the nation, as rigid as His body which to this day lies incorruptible in the great northern capital.

New China, you understand, is a Harmonious Society within and Peace Loving Nation without. The doctrine of “China’s Peaceful Rise” is the golden thread that binds these four great ideologies. Despite un-Harmonious Westerner’s misunderstandings of New China’s essentially peaceful activities since 1949 (such as some irregular troop movements into East Turkestan, Vietnam, Tibet and India, a harmless bit of proxy sparing with the US in Korea, ballistic missiles aimed at China’s Taiwan Province for its own safety and a few youngsters having some fun with the Pentagon mainframe), China loves peace and seeks only Harmony for the world under the inspiration and leadership of the Party, anything less of course would hurt the feelings of the Chinese people.

Unfortunately, I have run out of time to introduce you to some other guiding ideologies of the state such as “The Scientific Development Perspective” and “The Eight Honours and Eight Shames” but I hope you now have food for thought and a desire to learn more. The other creature in that nursery rhyme, The Grass Mud Horse (cǎo ní mǎ) is a gentle play on a common greeting in New China to Western Friends. Your children and grandchildren will be hearing this greeting a lot in the coming years as the People’s Liberation Army will no doubt be required to look after security arrangements in Western Australia’s iron ore mines and coal deposits.

Bye-bye for now.

Posted in Guest Post | 8 Comments »

What have the Laowai’s ever done for us?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Some foreigners say China not great! Ha! China most great since ancient times. China have five thousands years history. You Laowai only exploit poor China, try to keep us from our rightful place as World Hegemon. You’ve bled us white, you bastards. You’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, but from our fathers and from our father’s fathers and from our father’s father’s fathers. What we need you Laowai for, huh? What have Laowai’s ever done for us?

What? Oh, yes, concrete. And glass. But apart from that, what have Laowai’s…

What? Oh yes, baths and showers. Of course, and public sanitation. But, apart from that…

Okay, okay, and public libraries and parks and swimming pools and schools. And hospitals, naturally. What did you say? Oh well, wine and beer, of course wine and beer, that goes without saying, doesn’t it? And yes, street cleaners and paved roads, I’ll admit to that. Fair enough, really. But apart from that, what have…

Yes, all right, fair enough. Carrots and potatoes and apples and grapes. And cats, of course cats. We all love the taste of a good cat kebab, don’t we lads? But… What did you say? Literature? What are you talking about, literature? China has a proud history of literature, including four great novels.

Really? You can’t be serious? Shakespeare had dozens of books? And the West has thousands of great writers and poets? Are you serious? Well, yes, I’ll grant you that four novels does seems a little weak. Okay, so Laowai’s gave us proper literature, but apart from… Right, fair enough, and children’s books. Obviously. But, apart from that…

What do you mean a legal system? We still don’t have one of those, so we should be blaming the Laowai’s. And what are you talking about, peace? Stopping us from invading our neighbours is an interference in our internal affairs. Bloody and damn Laowai’s!

A working calendar? Really? Is that where it came from? The 24-hour day, too? Well I never… Hmmm, firearms? S’pose so. The wheel, really? Pottery? From Japan you say? Rice cultivation? Honestly? Weaving too, huh? Decent architecture and construction techniques and bridges and art and cities and public order and firemen and police and public entertainment… Okay, I’ll accept all that. Right, yes, bread. Obviously bread, it isn’t like we’d come up with something like bread on our own, is it? Knives and forks? Goes without saying, that does. Telephones and electricity and television and tall buildings too, I know. Hong Kong and Shanghai and Tsingdao and the Forbidden City? Laowai’s built those from scratch? Really? Why did they just give those places to us and walk away, then? Oh, I see. What was that? Religion and a system of counting!

All right… All right! But apart from concrete and glass and baths and showers and sanitation and public libraries and swimming pools and schools and hospitals and wine and beer and street cleaners and paved roads and carrots and potatoes and apples and grapes and cats and proper literature and children’s books and the beginnings of a legal system and an imposed peace and a working calendar and the 24-hour day and firearms and the wheel and pottery and rice cultivation and weaving and decent architecture and construction techniques and bridges and art and cities and public order and firemen and police and public entertainment and bread and knives and forks and telephones and electricity and television and tall buildings and Hong Kong and Shanghai and Tsingdao and the Forbidden City and religion and a system of counting… What have the Laowai’s ever done for us?

What? Oh, a proper language, yes… Shut up!

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 74 Comments »

International Talk Like William Shatner Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 22, 2010

Today, March 22nd, is International Talk Like William Shatner Day. For readers living in China, you’re especially blessed, for where else is it so easy to make out with alien chicks? So, do yourselves a favour, put on your best suit, invest in a xiaojie and a decent barstool, and boldly go where thousands have likely gone before.

Posted in Festivals et al, Motivational! | 12 Comments »

Let Us Leap The Bog Once Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 17, 2010

You might not know this, but the Irish are in many ways the spiritual cousins of the Chinese. No, really. Think about these few historical facts for a moment:

Item 1. The general population claims there is a famine caused by foreigners, even though in reality some practical joker merely hid the potatoes under the ground. Decades of hatred and resentment follow.

Item 2. The general population claims there is a famine caused by foreigners, and emigrates to the United States of Awesome. So, they can afford to emigrate but they have no money to go to a restaurant or the local chip shop.

Item 3. The most-famous-man-in-the-history-of-the-nation’s claim to fame is the fact that he rid the Land of all the snakes. There never have been any snakes in the Land, not even in the zoo.

Item 4. An elected Government proves unpopular with the losers (who, by definition, are in the minority). Civil war erupts.

How Chinese is that?

Of course, on the bright side, they brew a passable pint and the food is tasty and nutritious, and there’s nothing Chinese about any of that. Plus, some of the women are not bad looking, either. And on that happy note, let’s celebrate something else the Irish don’t have in common with the Chinese, shall we? Let’s all have a Vote.

Which of these two lovely lasses, in your opinion, pours the best pint?

Posted in Democracy, Festivals et al | 9 Comments »

The MyLaowai.com Webstore

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Award-Winning Blog just got better, because now it’s for Rich Folks as well! MyLaowai now has a range of gear for you and the special Laowai in your life. See the cute heart over to the right? Click on that, and be amazed as modern technology whisks you away through the interweb pipes, and deposits you at the MyLaowai Webstore.

Got questions? Good. We like questions. But don’t trouble me with them – go here instead.

The MyLaowai Webstore – where we love you long time.

Posted in Buy MyLaowai | 1 Comment »

Learn from Lei Feng Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 5, 2010

Today, the 5th of March, is the day upon which all the Chinese People remember and celebrate the life of China’s greatest sock-washer and homosexual rent-boy. I am, of course, referring to the philosopher Lei Feng.

In salutation to this great man and his people, I have composed a poetic tribute, my small part in bringing harmoniousness to the great Han Empire:

Lei Feng? Lei Feng!
You were crap with a gun, Feng,
So the others made fun, Feng,
While you washed all their socks, Feng.

Lei Feng? Lei Feng!
It is a pity, Feng,
That you were so shitty, Feng,
At all that you done, Feng.

Lei Feng? Lei Feng!
Now you’re a bung, Feng,
In the Party’s bum, Feng,
And serve to block up their runs, Feng.

For more on the life and times of China’s most selfless man, go here and here.

Posted in Festivals et al | 124 Comments »