Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for April, 2009

My Wet Pussy Special

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 27, 2009

I get quite a few emails from readers, and in general they fall into one of three categories:

1. Why do you live in China if you hate it so much?
2. I am Chinese and I am going to kill you and your entire family!
3. I wish you still did the Wet Pussy Awards – I loved that!

The first will be comprehensively answered in an upcoming post. The second provides me with an unending source of amusement and glee, and the third is being dealt with here and now.

That’s right, folks. The Wet Pussy Awards are back!

It wasn’t easy, y’know. To start with, the MyLaowai Central Committee had to purchase new pussy. And because we live in China, and because we have this thing about catching some horrific disease, we had to have it vaccinated (we despise diseased pussy). And because, whilst young pussy is great, it’s also a bit time consuming and of dubious legal status, and so we had to wait for a while until the pussy was old enough to be safely wetted.

But everybody loves new pussy, and now the pussy is ready.

There’s this chap who goes by the name of ‘Gavin’ Menzies, and who claims to have been born in China. If you are thinking that this is an odd name for a Chinaman, then you would be correct, for ‘Gavin’ was actually born in London (and his actual first name is Rowan). No one is quite sure why he claims to have been born in China, but then again this is by far the least lunatic of his many claims.

‘Gavin’ (or Rowan to the Courts) Menzies has a number of rather, er, fascinating theories on world history. Here’s a few of them:

* The Chinese discovered the whole world in 1421.
* The Chinese invented a method for measuring longitude without using clocks.
* The Chinese were the first to colonise the Americas.
* The Inca’s were Chinese.
* New Zealand, Australia and Hawaii belong to China.

There’s plenty more – this is just a sampling. For an evening full of joy and laughter, just buy one of his books. Then again, perhaps it would be best not to encourage him. His latest book is a doozy, folks. In it, he claims that the Renaissance was a Chinese invention, brought to Italy by a “magnificent Chinese Fleet”, and that Leonardo da Vinci stole his idea for a helicopter from Chinese sailors. Printing, too, was generously brought to poor Europe by Chinese sailors, as was the idea of medicine. The hits just keep on coming.

So, who the hell is this Menzies character? Here’s a quick list of things you should know about him:

1. Menzies joined the Royal Navy age 15 and went into submarines. He claims that the Navy taught him advanced cartography skills not available to ordinary historians, which is fine except that the Royal Navy doesn’t teach cartography to submariners. He also claims that, whilst in the Navy, he retraced the voyages of Magellan and Cook, which is fine except that the Royal Navy is unconvinced. A friend of mine who sailed with him, believes he suffered from oxygen deprivation. This may have some truth to it.

2. Mister Menzies was an officer with twelve years of seniority, who nevertheless managed to avoid promotion to Commander. This isn’t usual. Whilst in command of a Royal Navy submarine, he managed to ram an American minesweeper, which was moored at a pier. For this, he was asked to resign his commission, which is very usual for such a disgrace. He ‘retired’ age 32, his only naval qualification being that of Torpedoman (TRS).

3. Following some rather misguided investments, Mister Menzies was declared bankrupt and, subsequently, a vexatious litigant. For those unsure of the meaning of this term, it refers to someone who regularly and repeatedly sues people for trivial reasons, and has done so often enough that the courts have refused to deal with him any more. Or, in simpler language, a crank. Bring it on, ‘Gavin’.

4. Menzies, as an “astronomer and navigator”, declares that in the 1420’s the Chinese could sail to the North Pole, as it was 300 miles further south than now – this isn’t true. He also claims that the North Pole coincides with Polaris at 90° altitude – this is also not true. He goes on to claim that he analysed Chinese sailing directions and a star guide in the Wu Pei Chih of 1422 to calculate that the equator was at 03° 34′ North. There was (he proclaims) a corresponding shift northwards of ice limits in both the Arctic and Antarctic, caused (he says) by a shift in the earth’s axis that began a miniature Ice Age in 1450. We also happen to know that none of this is true, either.

5. According to Menzies, the Chinese calibrated logs and used sextants long before the British produced a mechanical log in the middle of the 16th century, or the first mariner’s sextant in 1757. He says that the Chinese could ‘eliminate magnetic variation’. This is impossible.

6. Menzies claims to have discovered the wrecks of nine Chinese ships in the Caribbean. He has yet to let anyone else know where, precisely. The same applies to the remains of a number of Chinese ships he has discovered 300 feet up a cliff in New Zealand (washed ashore there of all places when a comet landed in the Pacific Ocean), not to mention “large dockyards and buildings constructed from their stone ballast” – no one else has yet managed to discover these remains, though people have found some perfectly normal and natural rocks and trees and birds. In fact, not one single piece of evidence has ever been found to support any of his theories.

7. Menzies has often talked about the “riddle of a lost Chinese city on the [US] Atlantic coast” and made the claim that an unnamed Canadian architect “might reveal the location of the unidentified site where he discovered some buried ruins whose origin is unknown”, though Menzies says it was a Chinese naval depot established by Zheng He. This depot is, apparently, “two-thirds the size of the Forbidden City”. Menzies also claims to possess a ‘lost World Map’ of Kublai Khan (1260-1294), that includes the Americas.

8. Menzies claims that the Chinese sent a fleet to visit Italian mapmaker Albertin di Virga in 1408, on their way through the Mediterranean and on into the Atlantic. They entered the Mediterranean from the Red Sea through a non-existent Suez Canal. Not the present Suez Canal, of course, but via the Nile by an earlier ditch that a Caliph had filled with sand in 775. Menzies, of course, knows where this canal was.

Why does he do it? Honestly, no one really knows for sure. Some (like my friend) claim he has brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation. Others claim he is merely a nutter.

But I find it interesting that Mister Menzies’ books have so neatly summarised the Chinese Communist Party’s claims that China was the first to discover large swathes of the world, including Hawaii, New Zealand, Australia, and more. In fact, Mr Menzies has on several occasions amended his statements to reflect changes in official CCP policy regarding Chinese territorial claims. China’s Party Chairman, Hu Jintao, used Menzies’ books as the basis upon which he made direct references to Australia having been been first discovered by Chinese sailors when he addressed the Australian Parliament. And I also find it interesting that, despite being declared a bankrupt, Menzies found it so easy to raise large sums of money for his ‘research’.

But whichever way you view him, there can be no doubt that ‘Gavin’ Menzies is a Wet Pussy of the first water.

Menzies, this Wet Pussy Award is for you, you traitorous wretch. I hope you choke on it.

wetpussyaward2009

‘Gavin’ Menzies. Wet Pussy Award Winner.

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Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 24 Comments »

HOT or NOT (by a long shot)

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 20, 2009

What is it with women? They get on these dating sites, or marriage agencies, or street corners, and flog their wares, so to speak. I’m okay with that. But then they start with the “I not a typical gal” or “I’m only here becoz my frend put my profile up” or “blah blah blah boring boring blah boring tedious blah so if ur interested msg me”.

Honestly – and I do mean honestly – if that’s the best you can do, don’t bother. We men don’t care.

And don’t even get me started on Microsoft English-educated bitches who write in some kind of code involving obscure and language-defying tongues, interspersed with “LOL” and “hehe”.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I already have a special someone to fill my otherwise wonderful life with pain and suffering. I’m not looking to replace the daily terror of Mrs MyLaowai with that of an entirely new and unknown species of poisonous snake, not at all. But window shopping is an ancient tradition, practised by all men with functional sacks since time immemorial, and you girls are there for precisely that purpose.

So do yourselves a favour: A little more tit, and a little less lip. Please.

MyLaowai is, however, an organisation dedicated to Peace, Harmoniousness, Self Improvement, and Equality, and as such, is offering up guidance and advice for those poor and misguided wretches who believe that their personality actually matters.

HOT or NOT (by a long shot). Part 1 in a potentially endless series…

i'm simple woman looking for simple guy and simple life..........

i'm simple woman looking for simple guy and simple life..........

MyLaowai advises:
A simple woman looking for a simple life? Explain the Fuck-Me Boots then. You’re no more looking for a simple life than your average Czechoslovakian plumber is looking for a nice glass of Châteauneuf-du-Pape whilst visiting the local hospoda. And do you normally sit around showing your admittedly long legs on garden walls all day long? If so, you’re well overdue to find a job, my dear. One that involves working would be my advice. Yes, you are attractive, but wouldn’t you get more satisfaction out of life if you educated yourself to a level at which you were able to capitalise sentences and knew the correct usage of the indefinite article? Lady, give it up now, while you still have a chance. Don’t live with self-hate and regret, existing only to count the profits of your latest illicit tryst. Go on, change your life now. There is still time.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex | 18 Comments »

A Haunting We Will Go

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 20, 2009

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So, Zhu Jin there at China Radio International, I don’t know from which Lonely Planet you’ve fetched those towns in America, Taiwan, Cyprus, Japan, Italy, and Ukraine, but I can tell you where to go if you want to see some ghost cities in your neighbourhood. Take a look at these top-ten:

1. Beijing: http://www.morningsun.org/living/dying/mao_end.html
2. Changchun: http://www.jaunted.com/city/Changchun
3. Dongguan: http://liveable.dg.gov.cn/life/sports4.htm
4. Xinji: http://www.theworld.org/?q=node/19347
5. Maanshan: http://apps.ah.gov.cn/showcontent.asp?newsid=1428
6. Huangbaiyu: http://www.jetsongreen.com/2008/03/huangbaiyu-toug.html
7. Kowloon Walled City: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kowloon_Walled_City
8. Jinan: http://torchrelay.beijing2008.cn/en/journey/cities/n214036948.shtml
9. Huhehaote: http://image52.webshots.com/52/0/59/24/412505924PXkJQD_fs.jpg
10. Dalian, the ‘Pearl of the Orient’: http://www.runsky.com/homepage/english/pictures/images/00019481.jpg
11. Fengdu: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3084374.stm (Sorry, I’m exceeding the limit.)

And there were twenty more in the pipeline for 2001 alone, if Doje Cering kept his promise.

Why search every low and high,
When spooky things could not be closer by?

Just Recently

Posted in Guest Post | Leave a Comment »

The Medicine Man Cometh

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 19, 2009

Ah China, you never fail to impress me with your endless variations on a single theme.

I just got into a taxi and was impressed to see a genuine leech on the inside of the passenger window. I can only presume that the previous fare was one of the local witchdoctors, and that it had escaped from his bag of various magical medicines. I’m sure it was probably “very good for my healthy”.

Bless you, China.

Posted in China | 6 Comments »

Happy Nailing Jews To The Cross Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 10, 2009

So Jesus walks into a hotel, marches straight up to the receptionist, hands over some pieces of wood and asks: “Can you put me up for a couple of nights?”

Sure, I’m going to Hell for that one. But to be fair on the guy, at least he didn’t have any bad habits, like biting his nails. The bad habits he left to his future wives, who were all Catholic for some reason.

Why exactly do we celebrate this barbaric tradition again…?

090410goodfriday

Posted in Human Rights | 6 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 10, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! The new ‘Eye of Tianjin‘ will only cause problems.

According to ChinaDaily, this is the observation wheel ‘Eye of Tianjin’, pictured on its inauguration day in the northern city of Tianjin on Sunday April 5, 2009. Yet according to every Chinese person I’ve ever met, round eyes are no good. The future bodes ill for the Eye of Tianjin, then.090410eyetianjin

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in ChinaDaily, Fact Friday | 4 Comments »

The Chinese Pecking Order

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 8, 2009

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In order for me to present some of my future rants, it is imperative that the reader be fully cognizant of the rigidly defined social strata within The Great Motherland of the Whole World. This is the only truly enlightened system of social order and you should immediately lobby your government to implement these changes within your country, in order that the whole world can gain Great Peace with Chinese Characteristics.

Note that the usual English transliteration of this concept has some minor mistakes in it, just as Gong Fu became Kung Fu and so on. The original Chinese name for this is the Peking Order, and strictly refers to the sequence in which restaurants in the capital serve their customers.

Money and other acceptable bribes taxes flow upwards freely, but never in the downward direction. Influence and control flow downwards freely, and never in an upward direction. It is permissible, in set and strictly defined circumstances, for people to change stratum. Acceptable taxes include cigarettes, expensive foodstuffs, alcohol and imported products.

A simple way to determine someone’s stratum is what I call the bus theory – where they stand in terms of seating on a bus – I love a mangled metaphor or six. Chinese public transport is a phenomenon that is best left un-experienced, unless you are seriously masochistic. Chinese believe in the principle of universal hyperspace, i.e. that every enclosed volume can actually contain more than what the boundaries circumscribe. As each stratum is defined below, their bus status will be defined as well.

Do not think you can tell a person’s stratum by their clothing: the poorest of Chinese peasants will own only one set of clothes, but it will be a suit with leather shoes. Nor can you tell by the level of education they have received: some of the richest and most powerful Chinese I have met have had VERY little formal education, and some of the best educated people are plummeting down through the strata faster than you can say “Open your eyes up and pull your finger out!

Government
The government stratum is the highest echelon in China and operates above the law. The law is the basis of government, so anyone who works for the government is above the law by definition. Sometimes a Party member commits the mortal sins of either underpaying their bribes tithes Party fees or disobeying what we in the West refer to as the 11th commandment; “Thou shalt not get caught”. In these limited and infrequent cases, the official in question does fall just below the level of the law, effectively by being removed from the government stratum altogether, and thereby allowing the law to apply to them.

The most frequent examples of this are the cars with white number plates and a red first letter completely ignoring (to an even greater extent than the norm) the traffic rules, and wildly blaring their horns and lights to inform anyone impeding their progress that such impediment is an obstacle in the rapid progress of the Great Security Blanket For All Enlightened Souls and no individual should stand in the way of Progress As Defined By Me, Your Party Official.

The less frequent examples of this include slavery, industrial poisoning of comestibles, outrageous wastes of public funding on prostitution-related enterprises and the like. Newspapers feast on the carcasses of such men, proving that the baser elements of society are identical throughout the whole world, which is no surprise because they were also invented by the Chinese.

The government stratum also includes police, army, and managers of state-owned enterprises and public schools. Interestingly it also includes great Heroes of the People, most of whom are duly awarded an honorary governmental position of some sort in order to ratify this status.

People at this level never have to concern themselves with buying alcohol or cigarettes, their desks are laden down heavy every day with gifts from adoring peasants vying for a drop of magic guanxi lotion to rub on their blistered hands.

Their preferred entertainment is similar to that of all stand-over men: select a local establishment that hasn’t paid up lately, run up a huge bill, and walk out, daring them to say anything!

Bus status: These people have a chauffeur driving their government-provided vehicle and force buses to pull over to let them through.

Bosses
Anyone who owns a private business with more than a handful of slaves serfs workers gets some social privileges. This is because they have had to build an extended family of government sponsors (see Students of the Noveau Riche), thereby elevating them in the social order. Having realized this elevation, they throw their weight around at every given opportunity. It is not uncommon to see these men lining up the waitresses in a restaurant and loudly lambasting them for serving their fish 5 degrees cooler than their preferred temperature, or urinating all over a shop because they didn’t get sufficient discount.

Their preferred entertainment is getting ridiculously drunk over an expensive meal and then going to KTV, after singing terribly for an hour or two taking their KTV girl of choice to bed for the night, then going to work the next day to abuse their workers some more.

Bus status: These people drive their own ridiculously expensive car and honk furiously at any bus that dares to slow them down, or just simply overtake them on the wrong side of the road and pretend they have the government plates affixed.

LaoShi
The Chinese word for teacher is LaoShi, and this is also in use as a general honorific for anyone who belongs to a higher stratum than you. In this stratum lie Chinese teachers (not foreign teachers, even though the same designation is used to refer to them to their face. Usually) and the elderly, as well as revered writers and other rip-off artists.

Their life is not too unpleasant, and in order to keep their status they need to be respectable, so the assholiness of the bosses is never found in this stratum. They make good friends, and everyone wants to be their friend. However, like all Chinese, they are still as unorganized as all hell – there’s no getting around that disposition.

Their preferred entertainment is reasonably priced BaiJiu with a conservatively priced dinner, KTV without the girls, then home to their cot to keep the fleas warm and the mosquitoes fed.

Bus status: People will usually give up their seats near the doors for these people IF they are aware of their status, so generally just the elderly get this treatment unless someone on the bus personally knows the LaoShi.

The Liberated People
The great smelly, unwashed masses sit in here and despite their petty insistences that there are numerous levels within (such as farmers being lower than bank clerks), they all effectively have the same status and capabilities when examined from the essential criteria of power, influence and bribery.

Whilst they are fully aware that they are not at the top of the social pyramid, they mainly concentrate on the fact that they are not at the bottom either. They are ALWAYS concerned about face, because a small change in face can mean a change in their stratum. Well, unless they have to queue for anything that is, then they immediately revert to a mongoose-like state; even if it’s for a goddamn free balloon.

Their preferred entertainment is gossiping, cheap BaiJiu and street food. If they want to sing, then caterwauling in the park is free, as is the dancing.

Bus status: Fight for a seat tooth and claw.

Students
Thanks to the government providing seriously subsidized education for students as well as artificially extending the college duration by a year – all designed to keep the population out of the countable workforce so the unemployment rates don’t look too bad – there is a vast abundance of students. [note from editor: and also because most of these punks are too lazy to get a job]

Many are from the middle class, and so like to think of themselves as belonging to higher strata, but in reality they are source of bribe money as they struggle to pass their schooling, and have no choice but to bribe their teachers to actually achieve a pass.

Although I referred to the great unwashed masses in a derogatory manner above, the unfortunate reality for many students is that there is but one shower allocated per thousand students, leaving bath night to be a weekly allocation at best. This results in somewhat fragrant classrooms, and certainly provides added incentive for their bicycling as it gives them a chance for an air bath.

Preferred entertainment is drinking re-capped bargain BaiJiu that closely resembles kerosene and playing cards, as well as that universal student favourite, ‘hiding the sausage in public places because we have no room of our own to go to’. At their age, abortions are free, so you can skip the cost of contraceptives and save that for the kerosene BaiJiu. After a few years they discover the real meaning of infertility rates, and joyously celebrate it with abandon until their late twenties when their parents demand grandchildren, and they duly uncover the massive cost of getting Mr. Sperm introduced to Mrs. Ova.

Bus Status: If they dare to find a seat, an adult will soon set them straight about where they stand. Thus the vast majority can be found riding their bicycles, if riding is the word to describe the drunken, un-coordinated random weaving that so characterizes bicycle riders all over China. These bicycles serve a useful role in the Chinese economy; they provide much-needed jobs for the Chinese thieves and second-hand bike retailers, thereby keeping both of these state-sanctioned employee types out of the ranks of the unemployed.

Livestock
Meat is very important to most Chinese people, and verily they eat not only EVERY part of the animal, but also EVERY animal as well. Livestock have a variety of rights, mainly the right to be caught and consumed at any age. Many forms of livestock are actually PAID by the government – a small yearly salary to be sure, but a payment never-the-less.

Preferred entertainment is crapping in public places provided that the mothers have left some space for this after dangling their ass-naked leaking offspring everywhere that they think someone might otherwise choose to walk.

Bus Status: If you are stupid enough to argue with a pig occupying a seat, or, even more ridiculous, its less intelligent keeper sitting beside it, then you will merely provide a free source of amusement for the rest of the passengers. The keepers know where the first bus stop is, and will walk to there so as to be able to find preferred seating for both them and their charges. Quite frankly, if given a choice, sitting next to the animal is usually the more pleasant experience.

Foreign businessmen
Similar to livestock, they have the right to be cheated, robbed and lied to at every opportunity, as well as provide a marvelous opportunity for extortion. I have carefully placed them below livestock, because livestock don’t have to pay bribes for their basic existence.

The foreign businessman in China is an interesting beast, and is indeed one of the natural wonders of the world. Despite being subject to rampant xenophobic abuse and outrageous extortion, he still retains the insane idea that he will be allowed to make money in China, and some actually manage this despite the hostile environment. The best bet is to be a well-paid employee of a joint venture, so that your management takes all the risks, and you get to live like a king. Actually operating your own business brings its own interesting set of Chinese Characteristics, which should only take about 5 years to master the basics. After 10 years foreign businessmen discover that a foreigner cannot earn guanxi, and they realize that all those expensive dinners, presents and whores haven’t earned them the slightest bit of respect in anyone’s eyes – they then begin to realize a profit.

Preferred entertainment is finding a foreign food restaurant that is too expensive for most Chinese to afford, so they get left in some peace while they eat.

Bus status: Any foreigner businessman stupid enough to get on a bus will automatically be assumed to be a teacher, because only teachers are so poor as to require public transport. See below.

Foreign teachers
If there was such a thing as inedible animals in Chinese cultural thinking, then they would be placed above foreign teachers. A foreign teacher is still subject to paying bribes, but because of their vastly reduced earning potential, the bribes are scaled down accordingly. Forced to beg for their visa’s, subject to constant Mafia-style shakedown police visitations to ensure their cages prisons bugged apartments are suitable for supporting life and contain no luxury items (which would be officially recorded to notify all and sundry that this Laowai can afford a higher standard of bribe now), these poor people occupy the lowest rung on the social ladder in China.

Preferred entertainment is reading www.mylaowai.com and other quality blogs, and chatting up students for free or at least heavily discounted sex.

Bus status: When lucky enough to find a seat, most Chinese will assume the Laowai speaks no Mandarin at all, and so won’t attempt to relocate them, however, they will freely discuss him/her in unsavoury terms quite loudly so as to ensure all the passengers get some value for money by playing ‘Let’s see who can say the most horrible thing about the Laowai without them realizing it‘.

Mind you, this game has some value for the Laowai who CAN speak the language. When a student boards and decides you are a captive audience for them to practice their pitiful oral English, you can reply to them in Chinese, creating a horrified consternation in every passenger as they realize that you have probably understood a good percentage of what they have said, and stoically bore it, as well as piss the student off because they can’t get to practice their oral English for free.

If no such student boards, you can always turn to the most verbal antagonist and ask them (in Chinese) if they know what the time is, while grinning madly and twitching your facial muscles. If you can, froth a little at the mouth too – a crazy man gets given a LOT of personal space – and THAT will instantly shut up the whole bus / railway carriage while they struggle to force their limited minds to find a new topic of conversation.

However, do this near the end of the journey, as otherwise, after a suitable period to gather their thoughts and pick up their shattered face from the floor, you will subsequently be bombarded with questions like: How long have you been in China? Where are you from? Do you like China? Do you like Chinese food? How much money do you make? How many wives do you have right now? Is it true that foreigners can also drive cars? Do foreigners ever take a bath? How do you deal with all that body hair? Are any of your uncles apes? How many times have you had sex today?

– DaBizzare

Posted in Guest Post | 9 Comments »

Geocaching in China

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, April 4, 2009

Geocaching (pronounced geo-cashing) is a worldwide game of hiding and seeking treasure. A geocacher can place a geocache in the world, pinpoint its location using GPS technology and then share the geocache’s existence and location online. Anyone with a GPS device can then try to locate the geocache.

However, in China there are complications…

Foreigners using GPS devices on the mainland risk being detained by police or national security agents if they suspect them of conducting illegal mapping.

“It’s better for [your] safety not to turn on the GPS function [on your cellphone],” a State Bureau of Surveying and Mapping official said.

The bureau announced 10 days ago that it was launching a year-long crackdown this month on illegal surveying, with foreigners among its prime targets. Six ministries are involved in the campaign.

Its announcement cites the detention in December 2007 of a foreigner in a village near Luoyang in Henanprovince. State security agents found a number of locations marked on his hand-held Global Positioning System device and used that as evidence for his arrest, the bureau said, without elaborating.

He is not the only foreigner to have been detained for surveying and mapping on the mainland without approval. At least six Japanese visitors were reportedly arrested in the Xinjiang Uygur autonomous region between 2005 and 2007.

Bureau deputy director Song Chaozhi told China News Service earlier that the bureau would intensify its watch on non-Chinese people using GPS devices for mapping and surveying purposes. “[Such behaviour] severely threatens China’s national security,” Mr Song was quoted as saying.

An anonymous article, possibly inspired by the crackdown and entitled “How to Catch a Foreign Spy Mapping Chinese Terrain”, is circulating in mainland internet chat rooms, urging people to watch out for foreigners using GPS devices.

– South China Morning Post

So you see in China, the hard part isn’t just finding the cache, it’s also delivering it in the first place and getting the GPS coordinates. Here at MyLaowai, we feel it’s our job to help. This page is dedicated to Chinese geocaches of high tactical or strategic value. Feel free to add more yourself, by contacting:

Flight Lieutenant MyLaowai DSO DFC, MyLaowaiATgmailDOTcom

ZhongNanHai Party HeadQuarters – 39°54’33.60″N 116°22’46.19″Egt-zhongnanhai
geo-revolutionary geo-unapproved geo-targeted

Lop Nur Research Facility – 41°34’18.66″N 88°43’08.38″Egt-lopnur
geo-civilian geo-delivered

Gangtou SA-10 Missile Site – 25°34’34.66″N 119°27’15.58″Egt-gangtou
geo-police geo-targeted
* Wanted: LangFang SA-10 Site, LuoCheng SA-10 Site, ZhangZhouZhi SA-2 Site

Shanghai DaChang AirBase – 31°18’42.34″N 121°24’52.68″Egt-dachang
geo-police geo-targeted

ChengDu AirBase – 30°42’19.35″N 103°57’22.19″Egt-chengdu
geo-police geo-targeted

JinXi Attack Submarine Pier 40°42’55.33″N 120°59’42.95″Egt-jinxi
geo-police

Northwest Nuclear Weapons R&D Academy 36°57’28.67″N 100°53’58.80″Egt-kokonor
geo-civilian geo-targeted

Key:

Political Target

Political Target

Military Target

Military Target

R&D or Civilian Target

R&D or Civilian Target

UN Approved Target

UN Approved Target

Package Assigned

Package Assigned

Package Delivered

Package Delivered

 

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 3, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Serf Emancipation Day was a crock of shit.

One point two million serfs were indeed liberated from their lives, and more than six thousand monasteries were liberated from their foundations when the Red Army rolled into Tibet. But that isn’t the same thing at all.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies | 2 Comments »

A Song For The Times

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Oh, many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was purty as can be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother ’cause she was my father’s wife
To complicate the matter though it really brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

This little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad
And so became my uncle though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother
Of the widow’s grown-up daughter who of course is my step-mother.

My father’s wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild for he was my daughter’s son
My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife she’s my grandmama too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother then I’m her grandchild
And every time I think of it it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandma I am my own grandpa

I’m my own grandpa
I’m my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
Oh, I’m my own grandpa

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