Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for October, 2008

Falling Cow Zone!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 31, 2008

I was wondering the other day, why it is that certain animals are picked to be ‘National Animals’. Could it be because they possess certain attributes that they share with the national character of the nations concerned? On a whim, I decided to check it out…

Bald Eagle: chicken with a superiority complex and an antisocial streak. Check.
Gallic Rooster: strutting pompously around, like it owns the farmyard. Check.
Kangaroo: name means “I don’t understand”. Check.
Xiongmao: does nothing but eat, sleep and shit all day long, and is hopeless in bed….

Wait a minute. Xiongmao? What the hell is a ‘Xiongmao’? It turns out that a Xiongmao is what the Chinese call a Panda. But why? And if they call a Panda a Xiongmao, then where does the word Panda come from?

First up, Xiongmao means Bear Cat. Right. Because it’s an interesting combination of bear and cat, yes? No, actually. A Panda is neither a bear nor a cat, nor any combination of the two. It was long classified as a raccoon, and although some people now insist with some justification it is a bear, no one has ever considered it to be any relation to the cat. Where the cat part comes from is anyone’s guess, but hey this is China and anything is possible.

So, why does everyone else call it a Panda? No one knows. Not one single person has ever come forward and claimed that they invented the word. So perhaps we should be calling it a Xiongmao, because that’s what the Chinese call it. Except that the Chinese also call it Pi, Pixiu, Mo, ZhiYi, BaiHu, not to mention White Fox, White Leopard, and Tiger/Bear. And meng shi shou (beast of prey), bai bao (white leopard), shi tie shou (iron-eating beast), and zhu xiong (bamboo bear). Also, a banded bear (huaxiong), a catlike bear (maoxiong), a bearlike cat (xiongmao), or a great bear-cat (daxiongmao). Jesus titty fucking Christ! I’m sticking to ‘Panda’ after all!

Some Facts About Pandas

FACT! Some Panda’s have actually learned KungFu and have qualified as Grand Masters. They can perform all the secret Arts of WuShoo and can fly through the air like Michelle Yeoh. That’s pretty cool, unless they land on you.

FACT! Panda’s are known to enter Chinese cities at night, where they eat the bamboo scaffolding at construction sites, causing many buildings to collapse. There was a particularly bad infestation of Panda’s in the city of Wenchuan, Sichuan Province, in early May 2008.

FACT! Panda’s are black and white. So was the 1964 classic ‘Doctor Strangelove’.

FACT! Former Communist Party boss Deng Xiaoping regularly smoked cigarettes made from rolled-up Panda skin. He was also the inspiration behind millions of mothers telling their children that “smoking will stunt your growth”.

Some Panda Myths

Myth: The Panda comes only from southwestern China.
Verdict: Untrue. Panda’s in fact were widespread in Burma, Vietnam, and throughout East Asia as far as Beijing and eastern China, until they got eaten nearly to extinction by the local yokels. They’d be extinct now, if not for the efforts of the World Wildlife Fund, and various other international organisations (contrary to what the Propaganda Ministry says, no Westerner killed a Panda until Kermit and Theodore Roosevelt Jr shot one, on an expedition funded by the Field Museum of Natural History in the 1920s. Good for them).

Myth: The Chinese Communists give Panda’s to other countries as part of their diplomatic overtures.
Verdict: Bullshit. China has never, ever, given a Panda to anyone. They have, however, rented them out to zoos all over the world at extortionate rates. The Communists typically charge a million dollars a year, which does not include the building of special facilities, special dietary costs, or salaries for Communist Party ‘experts’ who must be hired along with the Panda. If you want to rent a Panda, you will also be required to spend around a quarter of a million additional dollars per year for unspecified ‘equipment’ that the Chinese Communists deem essential for the Panda’s well-being, but which they keep in China and never show to the public. A few tens of thousands of dollars will also be expected to pay for China’s ‘Panda conservation research’. Finally, if your Panda has a baby, you must pay the Chinese Communist Party hundreds of thousands of dollars on top – and you don’t even get to keep the baby fucking animal, because it belongs to China, too! Very little of this money goes to Panda research or conservation in China. Oh, and your zoo attendance figures won’t go up either, so don’t think that you’re going to be selling any extra admission tickets.

Myth: The Panda is a Protected Animal.
Verdict: Hahahahah! There’s a restaurant not far from where I live, where they serve Panda cooked a variety of ways. I’m not a big fan of it myself, as it tastes a bit like horse, but the kebab’s with fennel seed are quite tasty. And in case you think this is illegal, then take it up with the Police and Party Officials I see eating there on a regular basis.

How did the Panda become China’s National Animal?

Several decades ago, Chinese experts sat down and made a list of all the native animals that had not yet been eaten to extinction. Unable to choose between them, they named both ‘National Animals’. Actually, they named them both ‘National Treasures’, but then the Chinese always use strange words. The other animal was called the Crane, but they’re as common as muck, and besides Japan has better Cranes anyway. Panda Xiongmao it was.

Anyway, I was wondering the other day, why it is that certain animals are picked to be ‘National Animals’. Could it be because they possess certain attributes that they share with the national character of the nations concerned? Hmmm…

Xiongmao: does nothing but eat, sleep and shit all day long, and is hopeless in bed…. Check.

Xiaongmao? Panda? Iron-Eating Beast? Falling Cow is more like it…

Fuck the Panda.

Posted in Falling Cow Zone | 7 Comments »

Ahhh… Fall.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, October 27, 2008

Fall is here (Note for non-Americans: I would say “Autumn”, but really, “Fall” is a far more appropriate word in China). It’s official, and I know it because the Government has commanded it be so. But even without the Red Gods telling me, I’d ‘a’ know’d it. How? Read on…

Top Ten Signs Fall Hath Arrived:

1. The little leaves in the lovely trees have turned a slightly different shade of grey, and are now starting to fall off their delightfully grey branches. Nature is truly beautiful.

2. All the cats have now disappeared, and people are starting once again to enjoy ‘lamb’-onna-stick.

3. Each and every Chinese citizen has now switched to the obligatory minimum three layers of clothing. Seven layers for small children. Even though the temperature is the same as it was a month ago, when it was officially Summer and everyone was wearing summer clothing.

4. Every whore, slut, and ho in the country has begun wearing knee-length boots (boots by Fuk Mi).

5. In an effort to impress one another, bus passengers have begun covering up their collections of rare skin diseases for the winter, and bringing out their interesting coughs and phlegm gurgles instead.

6. Pickled rotting cabbage with garlic has become the standard by which all meals are measured.

7. Taxi drivers now start drinking the Baijiu at breakfast, an hour earlier than before.

8. Plans are being hatched all along the Eastern Seaboard, with the express aim of upsetting Westerners before the Christmas Season. Chances are that they will, as always, succeed only in driving said Westerners to further increase their consumption of alcoholic beverages.

9. Heaters are being switched on in office buildings all over the nation. Windows are being opened too, but that’s just for the sake of fresh air (Note: fresh air not required during summer).

10. With declining temperatures just around the corner, the air will soon lose some its’ characteristic stench of rotting *something*, which will be replaced with coal dust. Coal dust, as everybody knows, is a sure sign of “development” and “fashion”. It’s probably “very delicious in the world” as well.

Finally, a Public Service Announcement
From Laowai’s Who Take Public Transport:

Posted in China | 9 Comments »

Dead Dogs and Other Non-Surprises

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, October 21, 2008

AP is reporting on the recent mass deaths of animals due to melamine poisoning, as follows:

Some 1,500 dogs bred for their raccoon-like fur have died after eating feed tainted with melamine, a veterinarian said Monday, raising questions about how widespread the industrial chemical is in China’s food chain.

The raccoon dogs — a breed native to east Asia whose fur is used to trim coats and other clothing — died of kidney failure after eating the tainted feed, said Zhang Wenkui, a veterinary professor at Shenyang Agriculture University.

“First, we found melamine in the dogs’ feed, and second, I found that 25 percent of the stones in the dogs’ kidneys were made up of melamine,” said Zhang, who performed a necropsy — an animal autopsy — on about a dozen dogs.

Well, seriously folks, what a shocker huh? I’m going to go out on a limb here, and predict that plenty of people will act surprised, the people involved will never be publicly questioned, and the Red Gods will eventually say that “We are now more confident to tell the public that animal feed and related products available in the market are safe”. Until the next time.

Boy howdy, what kind of a box must you have been living in, to be in any way surprised that the Chinese put poison in food? Or in toothpaste? Or lead in children’s toys? Or substandard parts in motor vehicles? Or recording devices in taxi cabs for crying out loud? What the hell did you expect?

Producers, regulators, inspectors, enforcers… All of them run by the CCP. Anyone else see a problem here?

The simple fact is, that the CCP is the largest criminal organisation in the history of the world, with their own private army numbering over two million, with nuclear weapons pointed at their neighbours, and with a large population of brainwashed serfs under their complete power. Why the hell should they care who suffers, as long as they get money and power?

[/rant]

Anyway, in other news, ChinaDaily is reporting that the terrible skin afflictions that have suddenly struck over a thousand farmers in Jianli county, Hubei province, were “caused by boll worms” and are “not related to vanadium [released illegally into the environment by factories with Party connections] according to tests done by the provincial health department“. Which is all well and good.

The media [boo! hiss!] had reported farmers started suffering from rash-like symptoms in March when local industrialists and those from nearby Hunan province opened plants to smelt vanadium, a highly profitable alloy element.

Some of the illegal plants had failed to install treatment facilities for gas emissions and wastewater.

Posted in China | 10 Comments »

Competition: What Did Justrecently Mean?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What has seven letters, and is considered rude to your host?

(Hint: It’s an old swearword, invented by some uneducated carpenters somewhere in ZhongYuan, 5000 years ago).

Please send your answers to:

MyLaowai Seven Asterisks Competition
c/- MyLaowai AT Gmail DOT com

The first place winner will receive a week in China. Second place will win two weeks in China.

Posted in China | 15 Comments »

A Frank Exchange

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, October 11, 2008

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 15 June 2008
Subject: Product Information

Dear Sir / Madam,

I have seen your products listed on your website. Could you please give me specific details regarding sizes, colours, materials, specifications, and FOB prices?

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 18 June 2008
Subject: Re: Product Information

Hi Dear,

I want know,Your company is in American? Is a professionalcompany? Foreign trade corporation or not?

Your company iformaton is important to us.So for export the price maybe is not the same.

Welcome to SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing!

Happy happy everyday!

Thanks and Kindly regards,

Wang XianSheng

*****

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 18 June 2008
Subject: Product Information

Dear Wang XianSheng,

Thank you for your email. My company is based in the US and wants to be your customer.

I have seen your products listed on your website. Could you please give me specific details regarding sizes, colours, materials, specifications, and FOB prices?

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 20 June 2008
Subject: Re: Product Information
Attachments: unreadabledoc.xls (42.3MB)

Hi Dear,

Our products attached . Warmly welcome to you!

Wang XianSheng

*****

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 20 June 2008
Subject: Product Information

Dear Wang XianSheng,

Thank you for your email. I was finally able to download and translate it, but it does not answer the questions regarding available sizes, nor does it have any FOB prices.

Please give me the sizes and FOB prices.

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 22 June 2008
Subject: Re: Product Information
Attachments: unreadabledoc.xls (42.3MB)

Hi Laowai,

We can do any size.You don’t need to worry about it. Price is best. Other company not have our attention to smaller detail and quality. To be honest I hope you could think about us at our site. We have to make the perfect products(this is the best important) for our mutual benefit.

Wang XianSheng

*****

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 22 June 2008
Subject: Product Information

Dear Wang XianSheng,

1. What sizes can you make? What specific, actual, definite sizes can you make? Don’t give me a vague promise, give me a list of the sizes that you have molds for and can produce now.

2. What are your FOB prices?

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 30 June 2008
Subject: Re: Product Information
Attachments: ouofdateprices.xls (1.2MB); anothercompanyssizes.doc (2.1MB)

Hi Laowai,

Attached prices and sizes.Wish you warmly welcome and when you can place order now?

Wang XianSheng

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 02 July 2008
Subject:

Hi my dear friend,

This is Wang XianSheng- now I working another company .It is a much better products and you know, the other company is not honest have many bad products.My company now is very best and have good price for you because you ar such dear and old friend.

Warmly welcome to you.

Wang XianSheng

*****

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 05 July 2008
Subject: Sample Order
Attachments: SampleOrder.doc

Dear Sir / Madam,

I would like to place a small, sample order with your company, for the products in the attachment.

Please confirm the order, and advise a delivery date, as well as your account details for payment.

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing Co.Ltd.
Date: 10 July 2008
Subject: Sample Order
Attachments: SampleOrder.doc

Dear Sir / Madam,

I recently sent you an email, placing a sample order with your company, for the products in the attachment.

Please confirm the order, and advise a delivery date, as well as your account details for payment.

Regards,

MyLaowai.

*****

To: MyLaowai Company
Date: 11 July 2008
Subject: Re: Sample Order

Hi Dear,

I want know,Your company is in American? Is a professionalcompany? Foreign trade corporation or not?

Your company iformaton is important to us.So for export the price maybe is not the same.

Welcome to SuperGoldenLucky Manufacturing!

Happy happy everyday!

Thanks and Kindly regards,

Chou PangZhu

*****

Happy happy. Every day.

Posted in Wang Xiansheng | 7 Comments »

www.MyLaowai.com

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, October 5, 2008

Let’s try this again, shall we?

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »

The Leveling Effect of Modern Communism

Posted by pipilaowai on Sunday, October 5, 2008

I have decided to become a communist. It appears that I will never reach the pinnacle of my ambitions to be financially independent and above the law by taking part in the Capitalist rat-race and working for someone else, so I’ve decided to switch sides and join the real Rats-race. I’m going to use my many years of military experience and join the Peoples Liberation Army so that I too can become one of the privileged elite. That’s the great thing about communism – it’s fkn great if you’re up top, propped up and top dog. I live to serve and be served but don’t try and be like me – Know Your Place, Comrade.

Ok, ok, so I will never be accepted into the ranks of the PLA elite. I fact, It’s unlikely that I’m even fit to wash their dishes in their mess halls due to the fact that I’m ethnically impure and not born to serve the Handy ones.

However, what I can do is “masquerade” as one the “privileged members of the People’s Liberation Army”. Yes that’s right, Privileged! These are the same Privileged Members who are above the law and answer to no one except the other Privileged Members of the PLA. These are the cunts who drive on the wrong side of the road, cut up traffic at will, run red lights, totally ignore all traffic control and police, park where they want and generally act in a Peoples Liberation Privileged Army sort of way and in fact, ‘look at me, I’ve got a white number plate’ sort of way. Not only are they Privileged Members, they also have funny sounding Horns and are not shy about using their Horns in public.

I am going to get myself one of these (see below) – one of the fast and expensive ones – and I’m going to masquerade as one of the Privileged Members. In fact, let’s not call it ‘masquerading’ – let’s call it ‘aspiring to be’…

Traffic police said, “over half of speeding drivers either cover up their plates or use a fake plate, the chances of capturing them is next to nil!”

Speeding drivers in south China are getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers on their licence plates in seconds, state media said.

“More than 50 percent of cars caught on camera for speeding and other offences either cover up their plates or use a fake licence plate,” a traffic policeman in the Guangdong city of Yangjiang was quoted by the Beijing Youth Daily as saying, “our chances of capturing them is next to nil.”

The price of the remote-control device starts at around 800 yuan ($115), while a more advanced apparatus with the ability to flip over the numbers in less than three seconds costs more than double.

“The era of covering up the licence plate by hand has passed,” a driver surnamed Zheng told the newspaper.

“It’s really convenient and economical too,” a salesman who specializes in such devices in the provincial capital of Guangzhou was quoted as saying.

In April, Xinhua news agency reported that China had confiscated thousands of fake military vehicles and number plates in a move to crack down on citizens masquerading as privileged members of the People’s Liberation Army.

In years past, Chinese counterfeiters have used fake military vehicles to ship bootleg cigarettes and other goods, previous reports have said.

– Photo and text from Asianoffbeat

Posted in China | 6 Comments »