Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for July, 2012

Pigs in Spaaace!

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 1, 2012

Yesterday, an unidentified falling object (UFO) crashed fell to Earth in Inner Mongolia, a part of Mongolia that is currently under the control of the Chinese Red Army. Observers witnessed three androgynous, identical space-clones emerge from the battered wreck of their ship, and wander unsteadily towards a group of Red Army soldiers nearby.

China’s space agency, the National Astronautics Department, have subsequently confirmed that the three drone-like space-beings originated from the Handromeda galaxy, and were forced to land on Earth when their ship ‘got broken engine because no maintenance’.

Lt. Gen. Susan J. Helms, the U.S. officer charged with Space Security, immediately announced that her entire force had gone to stage one battle readiness, and would remain in that condition until the intentions of the sexless alien clones were made clear. “We don’t at this time know for certain what their intentions are,” she stated to anxious news crews, “for instance, are they planning to set up some sort of space-noodle shop using us as the dog-meat, or are they going to go ahead and turn the planet into a giant laundry? We just don’t know yet.”

Liberal scientists, on the other hand, were seeing wonderful possibilities in the serendipitous event: “This could mean great things to the entire human race if they share their advanced technology with us!”, exclaimed one excited young scientist, who looked a bit like a hippy despite his white coat, “These visitors could really advance our understanding of how to cook noodles that are safe to eat, or show us how to make dry-cleaning fluid that doesn’t smell suspiciously of diesel!”

NASA scientists, on the third hand, were not really very impressed: “We knew where these neuter-clones came from the minute we saw them walking unsteadily and requiring help even to stand erect.” yawned NASA boss Charlie Bolden, “Handromeda galaxy? You can keep it, nothing to see there but a super-strain of the clap if you ask me. Big whoops. Go ahead, get all excited, but don’t blame me when your todger starts to sting. Hell, when we found out that this was all there was out there in space, we just went ahead and cancelled our Star Gate project – Really, what the hell’s the point of exploring the universe if it’s filled with sexless mannequins anyway? I mean, we got totally lied to by Gene Roddenberry. Good luck getting some with one of those, Captain Kirk!”.

Chinese state media sources are claiming that China discovered the Handromeda galaxy five thousand years ago. Or possibly the other way round.

One of the androgynous space-clones, being helped with the apparently really difficult task of walking in a straight line, or possibly even standing erect.

Posted in Newsflash | 64 Comments »