Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for December, 2011

Wee Wee Chu

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 27, 2011

One beautiful December evening Ah Meng and his girlfriend Yoke Mei were sitting under a bridge along a river.

It was a wonderfully romantic night… The moon was full and the stars shone brightly in the sky. Ah Meng looked lovingly at Yoke Mei and said: “Hey, dahring, let’s do Wee Wee Chu.”

“Oh no, not now, let’s just look at the moon!” said Yoke Mei very shyly.

“Oh, c’mon baby, let you and I do the Wee Wee Chu. I ruvv you and it the perfect time,” Ah Meng begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon,” replied Yoke Mei.

“Prease, darling Mei, just once, do the Wee Wee Chu with me.”

Yoke Mei looked at Ah Meng and said, “OK darling only one time, we’ll do the Wee Wee Chu.”

Ah Meng immediately grabbed his mandolin and they both sang…

WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas, WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas,
WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

***

And a very Merry (if slightly belated due to the vagaries of air travel) Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. Even to the dozy little savages who think Christmas is translated as ‘Receive Gift Day‘ – brush your teeth just once and all will be forgiven, I say! Even to my neighbours who seem to spend every night either redecorating or screaming at each other in front of their crying ten year-old kid (her for being a whore, he for having a small penis and no prospects) – yes, even to them. Even to the trolls and other bottom-feeders here – especially to you, in fact, for all the amusement and free entertainment you’ve provided us real people with during 2011. May your testes never truly descend!

Thank you, thank you all.

[Elvis has left the building]

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Posted in Festivals et al | 13 Comments »

Breaking News

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 25, 2011

Agencies, Hainan Island

Reports are coming in that Santa, together with all his reindeer, has been involved in a mid-air collision with Chinese fighter aircraft over international waters, and forced to land on Hainan Island.

The slow, reindeer-driven sleigh was forced to land on Hainan after being damaged when it was intercepted by two Chinese F-8 jets in international air space over the South China Sea.

One of the F-8s (roughly equivalent to a MIG-21) collided with the slow fat man and his sleigh, severely damaging four reindeer, before crashing with the apparent loss of the pilot. The Chinese claim that the damage was done when the sleigh veered towards the jet and damaged it.

This story seems implausible given that the F-8s were doing the intercepting, and are in any case much faster aircraft.

As the US Commander-in-Chief Pacific (CINCPAC), Admiral Robert F. Willard, was quick to point out, the onus lies on faster aircraft to stay out of the way of a slower one when an interception is taking place.

But what actually happened in the aerial incident remains a mystery since China continues to hold Santa and the reindeer incommunicado on Hainan. Finnish military attaches flew to Hainan today from the embassy in Beijing but have so far been denied access to the much-loved fat man and his faithful team.

Significantly, this is not an isolated incident, but the logical culmination of a trend, as Chinese jets have adopted ever more aggressive tactics when intercepting internationally-recognised anthropomorphic personifications such as the Tooth Fairy and the Gingerbread Man in international airspace off the Chinese coast. The Americans have complained about but not publicised these incidents.

“The intercepts by Chinese fighters over the last couple of months have become more aggressive, to the point that we felt that they were endangering the safety of our dearest fictitious creations,” Admiral Willard said in Hawaii.

Chinese Air Force Uber-General-Marshall Red-Banner Lucky-Colonel, Wang Xiangsheng, said in a statement today that “Chinese insist that all the air space above the South China Sea belong to China, in line with it’s repeated insistence that the whole of the South China Sea is Chinese territorial waters. Also we keep all presents we find in sleigh. All children now rejoice that Western Capitalist Plot is foiled!”

Posted in Newsflash, Wang Xiansheng | 4 Comments »

The Funniest Thing I’ve Read In Yonks

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 8, 2011

The 56 Best/Worst Similes

http://bethanyamandamiller.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/the-56-bestworst-analogies-written-by-high-school-students/

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

***

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

***

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

***

I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

And many, many more…

Posted in Media | 1 Comment »

Twelve Days of Chinglish

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 1, 2011

On the twelfth day of Chinglish the Chairman promised me:

Twelve spitting scum

Eleven perching ren

Tension and strife

Nine foreign wars

Hate all you Laowai

Seven border disputes

Six whack-shacks per block

5,000 years!

For or against us

Three Represents

Too many people…

And a landlord swinging in a tree

 

Posted in Festivals et al | 7 Comments »