Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for April, 2012

With Chinese Characteristics

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 16, 2012

What drives many people crazy is the persistent Chinese insistence that Chinese people are so very different from the rest of the world. You’d think with 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears etc, it would be obvious we share more in common than we have differences…

The problem here is … that they are right. But for all the wrong reasons.

Western people don’t blame the closest Chinese person for any little problem that occurs in the presence of a Chinese person and then scream blue murder for thousands of dollars in compensation.

Western people don’t spit, shit and piss EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE.

Western restaurants don’t need a smiley face to remind you its moderately safe to eat here. They also don’t try to serve you dog claiming it’s beef.

Western beer is drinkable.

Westerners can walk, drive and ride in a straight line, and generally use indicators at times other than warning lights on for ostentatious wedding parades, and horns as something that doesn’t resemble a sonic boom.

Western managers know how to delegate.

Westerners don’t blatantly ripoff and duplicate every idea and product that comes their way. Hi weibo – nice of the government to block twitter for you etc

Westerners can dance something more than a 2-step.

Westerners don’t have to scream at each other – whether in business negotiations, household disputes, dining conversations or just a simple phone call to friends.

Westerners don’t call other nationalities “foreigners” as a term of greeting.

Westerners don’t give a fuck if you’ve eaten or not. It’s 3am guy, why the fuck are you asking me if I have eaten? Just say hello you idiot.

Western police actually attempt to find clues at the scene of a crime.

Western babies wear diaper’s and dog owners pick up their dog’s shit. Here’s a little clue Zhongguo ren… SHIT STINKS – WE DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. Dispose of trash thoughtfully for a more harmonious society.

Westerners don’t litter like it’s their profession. The sidewalk / nature reserve is NOT your rubbish bin you filthy yellow bastards.

Et cetera ad nauseum. There’s plenty more, like the status of women in society, but quite frankly, I have to agree: Chinese are animals and maybe one day, with another few thousand years of harmonious growth, may enter the species of Homo Sapiens.

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Guest Post | 14 Comments »

Simple Calculations Lecture One

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 2, 2012

Life can, in many ways, be reduced to simple mathematical equations. Pythagoras can be credited (or blamed) with first coming up with this concept. Pythagoras was an ancient Chinese philosopher from the Chinese province of Samos who believed that all things could be reduced to mathematical concepts. His work was taken seriously by other Chinese philosophers and mathematicians from the Syrian and Egyptian provinces, and today form the basis of Development With Chinese Characteristics and the Great Hu’s Scientific Development Concept. One such example is as follows:

Where R(B/d), or bowls of rice per day, is equal to (the length of the day, less the time in hours spent sleeping), divided by the interval between meals in hours.

Thus, we have the following simple calculation:
R(B/d) = (24-12)/2
R(B/d) = 6
Simply put, the average Chinese requires six (6) bowls of rice per day in order to function normally. This rice intake powers the important activities of sleeping and planning the next bowl of rice.

quod erat demonstrandum.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 5 Comments »