Everything you need to know about Japan.
By ChouChou

Section A: Facts about Japan.
– The year is 4000 BC, and a small East Asian nation does nothing to prevent atrocities like the expulsion of the Jews from Babylon and forced slave labour in Imperial Egypt.
– Now it’s the time of Our Lord, and the only Son of God is nailed to a cross that could quite possibly have been made from the wood of bonsai trees.
– 1666: Fire rages through the streets of London. Coincidentally, somebody in Tokyo is found to be holding a box of firewood at the exact same time.
– And even today, efforts to create a fourth Free Willy film are repeatedly quashed by organisations sponsored directly from pro-whaling companies.

Time and time again, the Japanese have proven themselves to be a race unfit for habitation on this blessed planet we call Earth. Condemned by God to cling forever to a few miserable islands in the western Pacific, these fish-eating mini tree growers have tried repeatedly to crawl across into more civilised countries, and continue to try and recreate the world in their own twisted image.

Do you want to live in a world where perfectly innocent fat men are forced to wear nappies and fight in the name of sick entertainment? Do you want your kids to grow up in a world where it takes 45 minutes to pour a cup of tea?

No. Of course you don’t.

Take a look at the image above [image missing, but it’s That shrine – ML]. The crafty subjects of the Emperor would like you to believe that this building is nothing more than a harmless shrine devoted to honoring the dead Japanese soldiers and citizens that passed away during World War Two. However, the truth is in fact much more shocking, and will no doubt offend right-minded peoples everywhere. Glance at the photograph below if you dare to face the truth [image missing – ML].

That’s right. The Yasukuni Shrine is actually a giant computerised control centre designed to operate a fully operational Godzilla monster. Japanese military leaders plan to build an entire army of these creatures and send them across the sea to eat innocent Chinese babies. Even if the Chinese army is fortunate enough to resist these Godzilla attacks, danger could lurk within the minds of our very own children.

Insidious Japanese mind-control propaganda has already stretched its evil tentacles into every country on Earth, and is even now corrupting the way our children think. The popular Transformers movie encourages children to fear common household machinery and vehicles, thus throwing our societies back into a pre-technological stone age whilst Japanese scientists create ever more advanced methods of slaughtering millions. The words of the friendly Autobot Bumblebee may sound harmless, but they actually contain hidden subliminal messages urging children to go outside and rape squirrels. Japanese paedophiles in collaboration with the Japanese military have even been discovered disguising themselves as schools in evil attempts to ensnare our children into their clutches.

When will these demons be stopped?

The battle begins in your own home. Genetically, Japanese have more in common with spiders than they do with other human beings, although their outward appearance is cunningly deceptive. Without even knowing it, you too could be a Japanese. Surveys show that one in every ten people is Japanese; so if you’re with nine friends and you know for sure that they are not Japanese, then it is highly probable that you could be an unaware Japanese person. Take our test to see if you are Japanese or human, and then follow the guidelines provided.

It’s your duty to keep our planet a sushi-free zone.

Section B: Are you Japanese?
1. What did you have for your dinner today?
a) A nice leg of lamb and a strawberry cheesecake for afters.
b) Raw fish accompanied with wasabi and rice.
c) The still beating heart of a blind baby.

2. What do you do at weekends?
a) Enjoy a game of football with the lads and then a few pints back at the local.
b) Play the latest Playstation 3 games and then take photographs with a ridiculously small camera.
c) Imprison your own mother in a coffin filled with broken glass and throw it off the side of a cliff.

3. What kind of pornography do you enjoy watching?
a) Two lesbians with massive tits having a threesome with a black man.
b) Animated schoolgirls getting penetrated by tentacle monsters.
c) Videos of your own sister being forced to eat a mixture of blood and dogshit, interspersed with images from the Holocaust.

4. Describe your boss.
a) An ex public schoolboy who opened up his own company with his parent’s money.
b) A workaholic who makes you do morning exercises and who is planning to kill himself next Monday.
c) He Who Walks Backwards.

5. Are you from Japan?
a) No.
b) Yes.
c) Yes, although your blackened excuse for a soul actually originates from the ninth circle of Hades in a time before the coming of man.

How did you do?
Mostly A’s: There is a small possibility that you may be Japanese. Whilst you may have control over some of your evil instincts, it is probably best that you still maintain complete vigilance against signs of reverting back into Neanderthal pond life. Keep away from places like Pearl Harbour and Nanjing, and try to distance yourself from dolphin and whale shows.
Mostly B’s: You are probably Japanese. Accept your inborn guilt for all the misdeeds ever committed in the history of mankind, sell your house, leave your family, and travel across the world apologising to every single person for everything that has ever happened. However, do not even begin to think that this act will in any way bring you closer to forgiveness. Your soul is going to burn in Hell for eternity.
Mostly C’s: You are definitely Japanese and therefore the incarnation of all that is wrong in the world. Ask some friends (if you have any) to draw a chalk circle around you, and then recite psalms 12 to 81 whilst dousing yourself in holy water. Then arrange for your charred remains to be fired into the cold vacuum of outer space, where they can no longer contaminate the other peace-loving nations of the world.
Mostly D’s: We’ve done that joke before.