Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for April, 2007


Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

Han-dicapped (Adj): An inability to complete tasks and function properly because one is born Han Chinese.

From the Yellow Wings Dictionary.

Posted in Dictionary | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

MyLaowai’s Cooking Class

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

Today we are going to cook 5000-Years-Old, Famous-In-The-World, Delicious and Traditional Chinese Food. The actual, specific name of the recipe is unimportant, as it’s all the same anyway, but if it makes you feel better, we can call it HuoCai.


– Everything in the cupboard
– Everything in the wetmarket
– Everything else that comes to hand

1. From amongst your huge pile of mixed ingredients, carefully select all the items you would normally consider quite edible. Place these items into a separate iron ricebowl. Then throw away the iron ricebowl and everything in it.
2. From the remaining items, put to one side the things that you would normally never eat, but which you would consider eating in a true survival situation. Make sure you get everything. When you have isolated all the items from which the human body could possibly extract any nutritional value, throw them away.
3. Take the remaining ingredients (chicken claws, insects, offal, curdled blood, turtle shells, foetuses, etc) and put them in a huge pot.
4. Add a gallon of polluted river water, HuangPu brand if possible.
5. Heat on whatever flame you like, for as long as you can be bothered for.
6. Serve in a cracked ‘Beggars Bowl’ (for luck) with a pair of chopsticks.

Voila! A meal fit for a King of Namibia! You will soon discover that this is very good for your healthy, and will cure your Chi, revitalise your Wang, and give your VitalKidneyFunction a much-needed boost.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

What is Best Food in China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

KFC. Or McDonalds. Pizza Hut if you can stand the wait. A packet of crisps, if you can get the damned packet open. An old boiled boot would do, too, inna pinch.

That’s about it, really.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

‘China Quality Brand’ Mark

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 29, 2007

070429ssqualitymark1.jpg 070429ssqualitymark2.jpg


I’ve been meaning to post this for some time. Welcome to the new China Quality Brand. Personally, I have a problem with it, but I’ve been told by people here that “Westerners shouldn’t make a big deal about it”.

I’ll leave it for you to judge whether or not it’s appropriate.

Posted in China, You're Joking? | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

ChinaDaily Headline – 25th March 2007

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 29, 2007

This one is worth repeating:

Official: China will not affect world energy demand

Nairobi – China’s increasing energy demand will not affect world energy security, said visiting top Chinese political advisor Jia Qinglin on Tuesday.

China has all along relied on itself in meeting its energy need since it has abundant coal resources and great potential in oil and natural gas exploration and development, Jia said.

“Over 90 percent of China’s energy demand is met through domestic supply,” he said, adding that though China’s consumption of oil and gas is growing, its per capita consumption and per capita import are low.

China’s per capita import of oil and gas is 100 kg, while the world average is 400 kg, Jia said. China has strengthened energy cooperation with Africa in recent years, which has become a new focus in China-Africa business ties.

“Such cooperation is normal business practice on the basis of equality, mutual benefit and the rules of market economy. It is totally different from the plunder committed by colonialists in Africa,” Jia said.

I wonder if that 90% figure includes resources being plundered from the annexed territories of Tibet, East Turkestan, and Inner Mongolia, or whether it is to include the Spratly Islands, or the parts of the gas fields on the Japanese side of the sea border with China?

I’m just asking, ok?

Posted in Annexed Territories, ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Vietnam and China – An Intimate Relationship?

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 29, 2007

There was a good article in the Asia Times the other day. There were a few sentences that hit the nail square on the head. These, for example:

No country in Southeast Asia is culturally closer to China than Vietnam, and no other country in the region has spent so long fending off Chinese domination, often at a terrible cost in lives, economic development and political compromise.

the Chinese recognized the Vietnamese as a kindred people, to be offered the benefits of higher Chinese civilization and, ultimately, the rare privilege of being absorbed into the Chinese polity. On the other hand, as near family, they were to be punished especially severely if they rejected Chinese standards or rebelled against Chinese control.

Ho Chi Minh warned his Viet Minh colleagues in forceful terms against using Chinese Nationalist troops in the north as a buffer against the return of the French: “You fools! Don’t you realize what it means if the Chinese remain? Don’t you remember your history? The last time the Chinese came, they stayed a thousand years… I prefer to sniff French shit for five years than to eat Chinese shit for the rest of my life.”

Says it all, really.

Posted in China, Media | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

About Textbooks…

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 29, 2007

From time to time I earn a crust by editing books and other publications. I’ve just finished one this week, as it happens. It’s an educational textbook aimed at 18-19 year olds in their last year of Senior High School. Typically, for textbooks, any work that the editors do must be approved by the Propaganda Department, and comments and explanations submitted in Chinese. There is a cover sheet for the publication, on which these comments and what-not are written, and this cover sheet has a short schpiel printed on it, for the benefit of the editors. I quote:

in translation:

Proof-reading comments on recommended textbook for vocational education
– Department of Education for Vocational Education and Adult Education.

References for approving recommended textbook for vocational education:

Political Ideology
1. Ideas should be politically correct, conforming to every policy, strategy, law and regulation of the Party and Nation.
2. The textbook should be embodied with materialist dialectics and historic materialism, should help students to build up correct worldview, lifeview and values.
3. Promote patriotism and nationalism

If it’s an English textbook you should be carefully guard the words, phrases, paragraphs and sentences, particularly the political correctness of the ideas.

And some people back home are surprised when I tell them that Chinese schoolkids are now learning that Japan and Korea will be part of China in 20 years. Good grief!

Posted in Censorship, Propaganda | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

The ‘Half-Educated’…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I had an appointment to meet this guy last night. Young guy, intelligent, well-educated. He was a couple of minutes late, and offered his apologies thus:

Him: “Sorry I’m late, I was eating dinner at an Italian restaurant.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Have you eaten Italian before?”

Him: “No, it was the first time. I don’t like it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Him: “Because I am a Chinese, so we shouldn’t like other countries’ food.”

Me: “I understand. I also don’t like Chinese food because I am not Chinese.”

Him: “But Chinese has many foods and is very good food. We have all good foods.”

And on it goes. The problem, you see, is that these people are Educated With Chinese Characteristics. That’s a fancy way of saying that, starting age two, they are told that they and their ‘culture’ are superior to anything else in the world. Other countries are only more developed because of a conspiracy by every other nation to keep China from assuming it’s rightful place as Hegemon of the World. And they really do believe it, deep down in that tiny black heart of theirs. Some people I know go on about how China is getting better – they are wrong. It is getting worse, fast. The level of extreme nationalism is already high, and there are many days I feel like a Jew in 1936 Germany. There’s trouble coming, and it’s being planned at the highest levels. Getting the ‘People’ fired up, resentful, and hating foreigners is only one part of it.

Just remember: Hitler got his Olympics, too.

Posted in Food, Olympics | Tagged: | 4 Comments »

ChinaDaily Headlines – 24th March 2007

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, April 24, 2007

China moves to clear up the Internet

Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday launched a campaign to rid the country’s sprawling Internet of “unhealthy” content, state television reported.

“Development and administration of Internet culture must stick to the direction of socialist advanced culture, adhere to correct propaganda guidance,” said a summary of the meeting read on the news broadcast.

“Internet cultural units must conscientiously take on the responsibility of encouraging development of a system of core socialist values.”

In January, President Hu made a similar call to “purify” it, and there have been many such calls before.

“Consolidate the guiding status of Marxism in the ideological sphere,” the party meeting urged, calling for more Marxist education on the Internet.

China warns US piracy case will harm trade ties

China has made great strides in protecting patents and copyrights and a US complaints over commercial piracy would “seriously harm” cooperation, Vice Premier Wu Yi said on Tuesday.

Earlier this month, the United States launched two cases at the WTO claiming that Beijing was not doing enough to punish illegal copiers of films and music and that Chinese restrictions on entertainment imports violated trade rules.

China denounced Washington’s complaint and, Wu, who heads the country’s economic dialogue with Washington, bluntly warned that the complaints would bruise bilateral trade ties.

“The United States Trade Representative, the USTR, has totally ignored the massive strides China has made,” Wu told an intellectual property forum in Beijing.

The US action “flies in the face of the agreement between the two country’s leaders to propose dialogue as a way of settling disputes,” Wu said, adding that never before had a WTO member simultaneously mounted two cases against another country.

“This will have an utterly negative impact and will inevitably badly damage bilateral intellectual property cooperation,” she said, also warning it would “harm” cooperation over market access issues.

‘West wrong to criticize IPR record’

A senior official Monday fought back at Western countries that seek to condemn China for violations of intellectual property rights, while ignoring the huge strides the country has made in strengthening IPR protection. [Action Plan on IPR Protection]

“It is not right for them to observe China while wearing blinkers,” Tian Lipu, commissioner of the State Intellectual Property Office said in an online interview with http://www.gov.cn in Beijing.

The government’s attitude toward intellectual property rights protection has always been resolute, and its achievements are obvious to all, he said.

Foreign smugglers eye underwater treasures

Foreign smugglers and antiques raiders are using sophisticated salvage equipment to steal China’s underwater treasures, an investigation by the Cultural Heritage Administration has found.

In China’s territorial sea, there are thousands of sunken ships carrying ancient treasures, mostly priceless porcelain.

Shan Jixiang, director of the State Administration of Cultural Heritage, told China Daily that the illegal foreign salvage ships were often equipped with the most advanced technology, in contrast with rudimentary ships and equipment used by Chinese archaeologists and conservationists, who are trying to protect China’s underwater heritage.

Smuggler activities have been particularly heavy over the last two years.

The relics are traded on the international waters beyond China’s maritime boundaries before they are shipped to markets worldwide, many to the United States.

Besides underwater heritage artefacts, cultural items from ethnic minority groups, such as costumes and musical instruments, are also a favorite among international dealers and smugglers, Shan said.

The Chinese government has recovered a “great number” of cultural heritage items stolen from the country in the past few decades, he said without elaborating.

A fairly typical day – China purifies the internet, China is a victim of US trade aggression, China is a victim of Western IPR aggression, and foreigners are stealing Chinese cultural assets.

Yawn. Try a new record fellas, this one’s worn out.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Found: 8 Tigers

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 23, 2007

AP reports that 8 rare adult tigers have gone missing from the Ranthambore National Park.

Well, I’ve found them. Seriously, no bullshit. They can be found in QingPu, Shanghai (at least, parts of them can). I know this because I see them for sale 3 days in every week, right in the main street. The people doing the selling probably don’t make as much profit as they’d like, because I frequently see them paying money to the Police to be allowed to continue operating their racket, but I guess there’s still enough to make it worth their while. They also sell bits and pieces from a host of other rare and endangered animals from all over Asia, in case you were wondering.

And yes, I do know that this is obviously impossible because China says this is an illegal activity and there are no criminals in China etc etc etc…

When my grandkids ask me why there are no animals left in the wild, I’m gonna simply show them a map of China, with the word “Bastards” written across it.


Posted in Corruption, Environment | Tagged: | 2 Comments »