Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for April, 2011

Design-A-Logo Contest

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

According to the South China Morning Post, “China’s space programme is asking the public to come up with a name and logo for a space station it plans to launch into orbit in the future.

Here are the three front-runners, as they will look when in service:

Takeaway Station
Jiuquan No.6 Golden Dragon Lucky Garden Rice Bowl Station
In Space, No One Can Taste Melamine

***

Laundry Station
Dongfeng No.39 Red & Yellow Super-Lucky Double-Happy Wonderful Laundry Station
In Space, No One Can Hear You Steam

***


Peking No.888 Extra-Long-Time Wonderful Lucky Happy-Ending Massage and Donut Emporium
In Space, No One Can See You Cream

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Posted in You're Joking? | 6 Comments »

Why Come To China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why come to China?

A fucking good question, one pondered quickly and accurately by most laowai as “No why. No come.” (translated for the benefit of our darling, slanty-eyed friendsĀ  who insist that Chinglish is a valid language. I’d hate to leave them out of this, seeing as they constantly pester me for this answer.)

Of course, we all have our diplomatic answers. That is, we (the round-eyed big-nosed etc FOREIGNERS) have learnt, rapidly, that you bow-legged buck-teethed freaks couldn’t lie straight in bed if you were clamped in an iron maiden! So we, follow suit.

To cut to the chase, my puerile prepubescent peasants, and for once, I will forgo hyperbole and other forms of misdirection, this is the simple god’s own truth of why I came to China.

I fell in love with an American girl on WoW. She was so damaged goods, but after a lifetime of nurture (foreign concept, ask a local laowai) she was actually way cool. She died of cancer literally the week before my arrival. A real bitch. No, not her, the story, Jesus.

So, I was at an all time low. Chinese chick offered to pay my plane fare, outstanding bills (yeah, that second divorce was a real bitch, she was paid, but I had a few small bills left outstanding in my name at that point in time, about 2 months salary here, or two weeks salary back in homeland…), get me a job etc. All for one transaction.

Now here is where you Chinese girls can have a knowing chuckle, and you Chinese guys can sit down, have another goddam drink, and listen up.

After 42 years of life, she just wanted her first orgasm.

Highly educated, she had heard about these O things. Oh, she had tried, not only with her husband, but after 4 sexless years with him, a few other sex partners as well. She knew, physically, what had to be done. She is, after all, a PE professor chicky babe. You know, Grey’s Anatomy can be quoted direct? Anyway…

I am not bragging folks, just simple goddamn reality. Arrived on the plane (15 hours non-stop thanks, hardly conducive to maximum performance), we found a suitable 4 star hotel to her tastes, and… her lifetime dream achieved.

Now, to brag, but truthfully, and you foreign bastards can also sigh and weep, she, and a couple of girls since, experienced the “blow and still go”. As a PE professor, she was literally applauding. The other few since, had no idea that they were getting the impossible (& wet) dream. Yeah guys, drop your load and don’t stop. THEN, think about leaving a comment. Gotta love her line though my dear Laowai : “You are a special man!” x lots. Yep, she really knew and loved every fucking second of it. She’ll not get it again. She’ll never forget those times and the completely crap way she ended up treating me… But that’s one of those stories for another time and place. Like most Chinese agree, Laowai appear under the level of Chinese dog. See many articles here for supporting arguments.

Why do choose to stay here? Well, that’s another answer, for another time, and certainly after I take care of this 18yr old I am rejuvenating from. No blow and go for her, she’s too tight, it even hurts me.

– DaBizarre

Posted in Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | Leave a Comment »

UbuntuJONAS (Jew-On-A-Stick Edition)

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 22, 2011

* For Harold – Happy Easter *

There is a difference, it would appear, between an IT fanatic and a fanatic IT person. The former has lots of cool gadgets and gizmo’s and things with flashing lights, whilst the latter causes their neighbours to worry about the safety of their kids.

For instance, I am well aware that there is a debate between users of Microsoft and Apple over which Operating System is best, or between users of Nokia and Android and Apple over which phone is best, or between users of Apple and everyone else over everything. Or, possibly, over iEverything. And that’s all well and good, because in the final analysis most of us just want to read our emails, play some games, and watch porn – and pretty much every computer and every OS ever built allow us to do just that.

And that appears to be a problem if you are a fanatic IT person:

Ubuntu Christian Edition is a free, open source operating system geared towards Christians. It is based on the popular Ubuntu Linux. Ubuntu is a complete Linux-based operating system, freely available with both community and professional support. The goal of Ubuntu Christian Edition is to bring the power and security of Ubuntu to Christians. Ubuntu Christian Edition is suitable for both desktop and server use.

Now, you might shake your head at the insanity of it all. You might chuckle about the daft way folks behave in certain religiously-extreme parts of the world. You might even (as I did) throw up your hands in despair and go back to your porn. But the tech guy here at MLHQ was genuinely curious and began a private investigation of this Ubuntu Jew-On-A-Stick Edition. His findings were rather interesting…

Ubuntu Christian Edition was made in only seven days, and kernel configuration is done through the make godconfig command. This generates a perfect .config file. It knows what your hardware needs and which modules you will need. The init process has been replaced by the genesis process. Finally, in order to work properly, Ubuntu Christian Edition needs to be activated online with a procedure called Baptism.

Ubuntu Christian Edition has only 10 commands, one of which is the confess command that deletes your logs and caches.

To install Wine in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you simply enter apt-get install water.

The hand cursor in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s browser has stigmata.

If you right-click on Wanda the Fish whilst logged as root in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get in the popup menu the option multiply.

Ubuntu Christian Edition doesn’t allow one to put a network interface into promiscuous mode, and only married processes can fork children. Multiplication problems can only be done using the FORTH programming language, as in “Go forth and multiply”. Cloning is strictly forbidden.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition to find the meaning of a function you’ll have to type bible (name of the function) instead of man (name of the function).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, a special BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) has been introduced, which looks like a long shining tunnel (LSTSOD).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the mount command calls the sermon script. Ensuring you always get a sermon on the mount.

There is no abort() support in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s glibc, and the sin() function has been removed from libm.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, all documents are saved by grace through faith, and you can only burn heretic CD’s.

With Ubuntu Christian Edition, you don’t need to surf the web. You can walk on it.

Dual boot is not possible in Ubuntu Christian edition. “Thou shalt have no other operating systems before Me…”.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, there can be only root and 12 more users, one of which will help hackers to access the system.

When the system has been idle for a few minutes, Ubuntu Christian Edition starts praying to save the screen.

If you uninstall Ubuntu Christian Edition, it will automatically re-install after three days.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s Nautilus file browser has been replaced by Noah’s Ark file browser. It features an embedded backup function, limited to 40 days. And for 40 days before Easter, Ubuntu Christian Edition works in text mode only. Ubuntu Christian Edition processes can respawn only at Easter. And you can never get the system nailed down: It would be blasphemous.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the default location for saved files is /heaven, EOF is replaced by AMEN, and the media player automatically discovers hidden backward messages in rock music.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition there are no zombie processes. No Voodoo in good Christian systems. Ubuntu Christian Edition also hasn’t got any configuration Wizard. No superstition in serious Christian systems.

Ubuntu Christian Edition won’t run on Apple computers. He said not to touch them.

An algorithm developed in Ubuntu Christian Edition does not need proofs.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s man pages are dogmatic.

If a process dies in Ubuntu Christian Edition, it reaches eternal life. Without error code, it goes to the Holy Data Structure of Heaven; with error code, it is damned to the infamous Data Structure of Hell.

There are no direct broadcast messages from root in Ubuntu Christian Edition: there are special Prophet users who deliver them.

Ubuntu Christian Edition networking refuses to work with FreeBSD.

If you install successfully S.A.T.A.N. (Security Auditing Tool for Analysing Networks) on Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get a kernel panic as you reboot.

Ubuntu Christian Edition does not have daemons.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Fact Friday, Festivals et al | 4 Comments »

The List – Official!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 1, 2011

Posted in Censorship, Fact Friday, Human Rights | 41 Comments »