Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for June, 2010

China – A Tribute

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, June 24, 2010

What is this beast called China?
And why do they say its red?
It’s a question that keeps going
Around in my poor head

Who is the goddamn chairman?
That’s causing all this mess?
And when is the premier baby
Gonna pass his test

The schooling system’s awesome
They say it can’t be beat
If all you want to get
Is a masters in how to cheat

I have a Chinese student,
Her English is so poor,
But after dating me,
Her friends say she’s a whore

I’m sick of fricking dumplings
With special rat inside
And what was on the barbecue
Was not what my mom fried

My veggies have more hormones
Than the girl that’s on my lap
And as for fucking baozi
How can you eat that crap?

But while the water’s rancid
And the fish are all on ‘roids
The baijiu is all that’s clean
But gives me haemorrhoids

Why can’t they damn walk straight
Along a fricking line
It gets worse when they drive
Or try to dance in time

The drugs are bloody lousy
And the go go girls have AIDS
But one thing they do have
Is a country full of maids

I’d kill to see some breasts
Beyond a half A cup
And a proper set of legs
To stand the poor thing up

There is rubbish on the side-walks
And spit upon my shoes
My whites have all turned grey
And I’m always on the loo

Blue skies are just a memory
And the sun a hazy ball
The rivers can be walked on
Coz that is nature’s call

They crap upon their streets
And pick their nose with glee
Their buck teeth are filled with junk
For all the world to see

And why do they all wear glasses?
For such a master race
Their physiques are so puny
It’s really a disgrace

5,000 years of history
And having wooden beds
Has made this country what it is
I’ll tell ya, they’re inbred

Yes they love their fireworks
It’s a replacement for having sex
Coz after kiddy 1’s been born
There’s no more spreading legs

While Shanghai slowly sinks
Into its chemical soup
I lounge inside a KTV
Waiting for brewers droop

They prattle about their culture
Like there’s roses in their shit
But it is usually only found
Inside their damn armpit

Well, its time for me to end this
For there’s a new depth left to stoop
The restaurant just next door
Is now serving foetus soup

– DaBizzare

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Posted in Guest Post | 3 Comments »

Gained in Translation

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, June 17, 2010

You will, as you travel about the globe, notice that in every language there are words that have been ‘imported’ from other languages. This is quite normal and understandable. We do it in English all the time. There are many reasons why this happens, but in most cases it’s because the new word expresses something in a way the host language either cannot, or does not do as effectively. The new word eventually becomes part of the host language.

Chinese is no exception, and a great many words have entered their language from abroad. Many of these words were originally English. The Chinese, however, because of the dysfunctional way in which their so-called language ‘works’, are forced to use childish pictographs to represent things, and in the process the actual meaning of the words is irrevocably changed. Thus, “telephone” becomes 电话, which means “electric words”. “Animal” becomes 动物, or a “moving thing”, and “motor car” becomes 小汽车, or “small steam car”, which is ridiculous. The list is long, and sometimes the translation manages to retain some of the meaning, but in most cases it becomes something utterly meaningless.

Why does this happen? Simple: Because a primitive language that cannot easily evolve to cope with new concepts is therefore one that is unable to properly express ideas that are more advanced than it is. It cannot keep up with the times. That is why science, literature, art, mathematics, and all the rest are so poorly expressed in Chinese. It’s why their poems and novels are so childish, why they don’t understand that the stars and the sun are actually the same thing, why melamine is seen to be a nutritious and delicious food additive for the young, and so on. Crikey, they don’t even have a proper way of saying “yes” or “no”.

But at least they try, bless ’em. They don’t actually try in the way that the Koreans or the Vietnamese or the Japanese did, by reinventing their system of little pictures to make allowance for an Alphabet, because that’s what the barbarians from across the big water do, but they do try in the sense that they continue to attempt to force the same square peg into the same round hole again and again. And, sometimes it works.

However, if you listen to folks talking, and especially the young, you soon discover that this tired old method just isn’t enough – some concepts are simply too alien to the Chinese mindset to be incorporated into their ‘language’. When this happens, in many cases they simply insert the English word into the sentence. They have to, because they could never express it in Chinese in a million years. Here’s an example:

什么什么无聊的谈话无聊无聊Cooperation无聊废话什么Working Together什么无聊的谈话无聊无聊Caring无聊的谈话.

Or how about this:

无聊Healthy Food废话钞票钞票钞票钞票Being Nice To Other People房地产无聊Microsoft Excel无聊的谈话无聊无聊.

Or this one:

废话钞票钞票什么钞票什么钞票After You什么无聊的谈话Love废话房地产Personal Hygiene钞票废话房地产.

There’s still some hope, after all. I think there’s something in that for all of us, don’t you?

Posted in Dictionary | 27 Comments »

Asians and Deer?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 14, 2010

Asians and Deer

Posted in Motivational! | 21 Comments »

@Chinese Netizen

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chinese Netizen, is this you making comments elsewhere?

Have you been seeing other blogs behind my back?

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

June 4th? POTIF!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, June 4, 2010

It’s June 4th. But no one actually seems to either know what that means, or care if they do.

At least it’s also a Friday.

Posted in Censorship, China, Democracy, Fact Friday, Human Rights | 81 Comments »