Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for January, 2009

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 30, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Melamine was invented in China.

Melamine has long been an essential component in traditional Chinese food and medicine. During the Ch’Ching! Period, Emperor Wang Chung discovered that adding a particular combination of chemicals to milk and food not only increased the protein count, but also the State’s profits. He named this combination of healthy and delicious chemicals Melamine in honour of his wife, Mela. In recent times, some foreign hostile forces have discriminated against China by saying that Melamine is less suitable for babies than actual milk, but this is, of course, ridiculous.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 2 Comments »

Oh No, Here We Go Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I have received an email from a reader, which says:

Seen my fair share of brain dead articles about Tibetan history, but when my daily World Tibet Network News e-mail brought this article to my attention, well, it might be the douchebaggiest of dumbass articles on the subject. Therefore, thought you of all people would enjoy it the most: http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=8439

Now, feel free to read the entire article yourself – I did. If however, you have a functioning brain, and you don’t like reading CCP propaganda, allow me to summarise for you:

Recent commentary in the international media on the pre-Olympics riots in Tibet is typical of most western reporting in this part of the world: surface-level observations which do not do justice to a complex historico-political situation.

First, understand where China is coming from. Without this understanding, western criticism of China’s policy in Tibet will continue to be an exercise in useless self-righteousness.

Furthermore, China’s long history justifies its fear of invasion

If we put aside our moral outrage over Tibet for one moment and consider the scale of China’s current political concerns, surely we should have some sympathy for her geopolitical position.

The West is unaware of the reality of Tibetan society

The uncomfortable truth for us westerners is that Tibetan buddhism in 1950 was a religious/political theocracy which was intolerant of other religions, and which ruled in a manner not dissimilar to autocratic dictatorships elsewhere around the planet. Serfs, slaves, and superstition were a feature of this society as well as the well-known pathway to spiritual enlightenment. It was a cruel, unjust, feudal society.

Tibet has always been politically linked to China. It is also a historical fact that during the last days of the Qing Dynasty, western powers (e.g., Russia and Britain) conspired to acquire Tibet for themselves. Misty-eyed, sentimental westerners should read their history.

China is a proud nation. A nation which remembers the humiliations of the last two centuries, and which is determined never again to allow foreign influence over domestic matters.

Crikey!

So, to summarise the summary:

Here is the Truth for all ignorant Westerners. Disclaimer: I have a Chinese wife, I have a business in China, I need the CCP in ChongQing to award me a new contract, and so I love China. Jiayou etc…

Well, gentle readers, let it never be said that I wasn’t fair and unbiased. On the contrary, MyLaowai has become known far and wide as the very paragon of virtuous writing, with a reputation for justness and balance that is greater than the sky, and the mountains, and the very span of time. Ye, for so mote it be!

And in this spirit of fairness and balance, I hereby invite the apologists, the fenqing, the propagandists, and Wet Pussies everywhere… to a competition. Send me your article on Tibetan history. I shall post it here for my readers, along with an article by me. I promise not to censor your article in any way, although I reserve the right to edit it for grammar and spelling (I do have standards, you see).

Whaddaya say?

Posted in China | 14 Comments »

Meng Laowai

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Some say that his tendons are hand crafted guitar strings,
and that he thinks in GUIDO Musical Notation…

All we know, is that he isn’t MyLaowai… He is in fact MyLaowai’s Musical Cousin!

Introducing… Meng Laowai!

Meng Laowai writes:
I was playing in a bar in China that night. The audience was very receptive and after the last song they kept asking for more. I said ok, give me a sentence, I’ll sing it for you. People started to shout all kinds of stuff, then a girl approached the stage and with a big smile on her face, she gave me the “diao ni ma le ge bi” thing. A quick look at the band and… one, two, three four, and after a big laugh, the whole bar was singing “diao ni ma le ge bi“. That was it!

I’m about to record another Chinese song, a new version of an old song, should be nice!

Meng

Posted in China | 3 Comments »

It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 26, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

self-renunciatory

Definition: 1. one who renounces one’s own rights, claims, interest, etc., esp. in favour of those of others

Pronunciation: self-ri-nuhn-see-to-ry, self-

Origin: 1785–95

Example: In voluntarily and willingly setting aside any and all prior rights to their country, their land, their possessions, their freedoms, and their lives, in favour of the Han people of China under the glorious leadership of the Chinese Communist Party, the Tibetan People have shown themselves to be most self-renunciatory slaves subjects.

Posted in Adjective Monday | 3 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 23, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Reinforced concrete was invented in China.

During the Sweet and Sour Period, Emperor Won Ton discovered that by inserting bamboo sticks into a mud wall, it was possible to dramatically increase the strength and height of the wall. This led to the construction of some truly magnificent mud huts, some as much as eight and a half feet in height! The technology was later stolen by the Romans, Egyptians, Assyrians, and other foreign hostile forces. The British even claimed to have invented something they called ‘hydraulic concrete’, but everyone knows that hydraulics use oil, not concrete.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 1 Comment »

The Year of the Falling Cow

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 20, 2009

As I noted back in February ’08, the Chinese have long named their years after the things they eat. Last year, for instance, was the Year of the Rat. When the Party announced it, I asked the question: why not have a Year of the Sirloin Steak?

Well, readers, it appears that they have heeded my advice, and named this year, the Year of the Sirloin Steak Cow!

Which is nice.

Since I started this humble magnificent award-winning blog, I have been literally inundated by an email from a reader in the United States of Americaland, asking how this whole Chinese Year thing works. And it’s a fair question, too. Let’s face it, the entire civilised world (and even parts of Australia) considers a year to be the amount of time it takes for the Earth to orbit the Sun, rounded off to the nearest day for accountancy purposes, 365 days (366 once every four years). It’s all rather simple and effective. Yet the Celestial Kingdom of China considers a year to be something to do with how many times the Moon has flown around Beijing, and thus the length of the year varies wildly from, er, year to year. If you see what I mean. And what’s with naming them after local delicacies?

Wot the Planets are Made Of. The Chinese year is complicated (naturally) by the fact that it is also influenced by how many times the entire Solar System revolves around Beijing. The effect this has on the year, is explained by both the materials from which the various planets are comprised (according to scientists and researchers at the Chinese Space Academy), and the dominant life forms that live on them (according to the Chinese Xenobiological Institute). Thus we have:
* Venus – Metal (White Tiger)
* Jupiter – Wood (Azure Dragon)
* Mercury – Water (Black Tortoise)
* Mars – Fire (Vermilion Bird)
* Saturn – Earth (Yellow Dragon)
Note also that this is in fact the correct order in which the planets appear.

According to Chinese mysterious astronomy, a person’s destiny can be determined by the position of the major planets at the person’s birth along with the positions of the Sun, Moon and comets and the person’s time of birth and Zodiac Sign. The system of the twelve-year cycle of animal signs was built from observations of the orbit of Jupiter, divided by twelve for reasons that must have seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, then rounded off to the nearest year. There’s also some blather about dividing the whole lot by two and calling it Yin or Yang, but as that’s something to do with your kidneys, no one really cares.

The point is, since we have five planets, and twelve year cycles, the Chinese calendar is therefore 60 years long. Which coincidentally is how old the country is this year. Happy Birthday, China!

The Zoo. In Chinese science, the twelve years are animals. These animals also represent the personalities of the Chinese people who are born in that particular year. This system has been rigorously perfected and scientifically refined over five hundred thousand years of Chinese civilisation, and is known to be absolutely and completely accurate.
* Rat – Manipulative, vindictive, mendacious, venal, selfish, obstinate, critical, over-ambitious, ruthless, intolerant, scheming. But nevertheless delicious.
* Cow (now Sirloin Steak) – Stubborn, narrow-minded, materialistic, rigid, demanding. The horns, intestines, anus and hooves all make for great eating, but the meat just never seems to taste right – only a laowai could eat something like that.
* Tiger – Restless, reckless, impatient, quick-tempered, obstinate, selfish. Just about every part of a Tiger’s body can be used to make medicine that is scientifically proven to increase the length of your Wang.
* Rabbit – Moody, detached, superficial, self-indulgent, opportunistic, lazy. Good fun to torture to death then eat.
* Dragon – Arrogant, imperious, tyrannical, demanding, eccentric, grandiloquent and extremely bombastic, prejudiced, dogmatic, over-bearing, violent, impetuous, brash. This is the only animal that Chinese won’t eat to extinction over the next decade, mainly because they already have.
* Snake – Loner, bad communicator, possessive, hedonistic, self-doubting, distrustful, mendacious. But sublime when mixed with fermented rice water. The bile and blood are particularly good for your vitalkidneyfunction.
* Horse – Fickle, arrogant, anxious, rude, gullible, stubborn. It’s rumoured that people in barbarian lands use these food sources for jobs of work, but doesn’t that seem wasteful?
* Sheep – Moody, indecisive, over-passive, worrier, pessimistic, over-sensitive, complainer. Those no-good separatists in East Turkestan Xinjiang eat this all the time, so naturally it’s pumped full of Depo-Provera for their own good.
* Monkey – Egotistical, vain, selfish, reckless, snobbish, deceptive, manipulative, cunning, jealous, suspicious. But wonderful when served correctly, i.e. tied down with the skull cut away and the still-living monkey able to enjoy the experience of you scooping its’ brains out with a porcelain spoon.
* Chicken – Critical, puritanical, egotistical, abrasive, opinionated. The feet and spine are considered the best parts, but the gizzard is a firm favourite at funeral celebrations.
* Dog – Cynical, lazy, cold, judgemental, pessimistic, worrier, stubborn, quarrelsome. The meat is best when it is filled with adrenaline. This is produced by the animal just before death, by the careful application of electric shocks and/or burning of the skin and paws.
* Pig – Naive, over-reliant, self-indulgent, gullible, fatalistic, materialistic. An animal that is nearly the perfect food source, and as such is therefore forced upon the Muslim populations of the occupied country of East Turkestan and throughout China.

Of course, this is the simplified version for stupid laowai who couldn’t possibly understand True Culture. The actual, accurate, true version works something like this:
While a person might appear to be a dragon because they were born in the Year of the Dragon, they might also be a snake internally and an ox secretively. In total, this makes for 8,640 possible combinations (five elements x 12 animals in the 60 year cycle (12 x 5 = 60) , 12 months, 12 times of day) that a person might be. These are all considered critical (as critical as the system of keeping track of what hour of the day it is – there are twelve in total, beginning at 11 p.m. of the previous day and ending at 1 a.m.).

So, just to get it all in perspective, most of 2009 and a part of 2010 is to be known as the Year of the Sirloin Steak, or Ji Chou (which means Stinky Chicken – I don’t know why). It will be a Sirloin Steak tasting of Earth (meaning it will have been cut up in the dirt). Expect visits by Yellow Dragons from Saturn, and if you are a Wood Person, bad luck (Earth is afraid of Wood. Wood needs to fight very hard to win over Strong Earth).

Year of the Sirloin Steak, is it? More like Year of the Falling Cow.

Year Of The Falling Cow

Posted in Falling Cow Zone, Festivals et al | 7 Comments »

It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 19, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

mendacious

Definition:
1. telling lies, esp. habitually; dishonest; lying; untruthful: a mendacious person.
2. false or untrue: a mendacious report.

Pronunciation: men-dey-shuhs

Origin: 1616, from M.Fr. mendacieux, from L. mendacium “a lie,” from mendax (gen. mendacis) “lying, deceitful,” related to menda “fault, defect, carelessness in writing” (cf. amend, mendicant), from PIE base *mend- “physical defect, fault.” The sense evolution of mendax influenced by mentiri “to speak falsely, lie, deceive.” Mendacity is attested from 1646.

Example: “Another fanciful expenses claim? Damn the eyes of those bloody mendacious employees of mine!”

Posted in Adjective Monday | 7 Comments »

A Chinalyst Interview with MyLaowai

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, January 14, 2009

With the Best China Blog Awards 2008 behind us and the New Year in, Chinalyst asked the bloggers behind the blogs who won in the Best China Blog Awards 2008 to tell us a little bit about themselves and their blogs, and they started off with the somewhat controversial blog that won the most votes ( 508 ) and overall best China blog title – MyLaowai.

Read the full interview here.

Posted in China | 4 Comments »

Written in Realtime…

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, January 11, 2009

I’m sitting here, at my custom built computer and sipping my fifth properly dry martini, considering the implications of the current Global Economic Recession. It’s hard for many of us: hardly a day goes by that a major bank doesn’t require a government bailout (China has bailed out each of its’ state-owned banks more than a dozen times each over the last five years, so I know what I’m talking about), companies are dying by the score, and people are seeing their savings evaporate at an alarming rate. I myself have had to actually resort to cooking my own fois gras, and the usual French Sauternes has had to be replaced by an ordinary late harvest white, so I’m quite certain that you understand my own personal pain.

Why, just the other day, I made the tough decision to put off my order for an Aston Martin V8 Vantage Coupe until things eased. It was especially tough because I’d already made the difficult decisions regarding the text on the sill plaques, whether to have fine or coarse stitching on the interior leather-work, and whether or not to have the optional smoker’s pack (well, that one was easy for a man who only smokes Havana’s).

Everywhere I look, I see people in pain. My friends at the club, according to a discrete survey I performed the other night, have reduced the average amount they are prepared to lose to a meager $306 an hour, and a maximum of just $1100 per evening.

Demand for trinkets has plummeted worldwide, and the effect on the entire supply chain has been devastating. I’m not joking when I say that sales in my company have declined nearly seven percent since October!

So, believe me when I say that I am truly heartened by the fact that it is now, in this most troubled of times, that the Chinese Communist Party has bucked the trend… And gone extravagant. Some of you may think I’ve lost my marbles, but I’m serious, and here’s why: When times are tough, as they are now, and both money and resources are in short supply, most people tighten the belt and go back to the basics. They make do with what they have and with what has been proven to work. They generally don’t choose a time like this to invest in pure invention.

Now, I know some of you are reading this and thinking “Hey, I get it, this is where MyLaowai surprises us in an ironical yet humorous way by suggesting that the current ChinaDaily lead story is about how China ‘invented’ all kinds of train technology and didn’t steal it from Alstom, as claimed by everyone else in the world“, or “Hey, I wouldn’t be surprised if MyLaowai brought about a chuckle by mentioning that the Chinese government have made the laughable claim that H5N1 isn’t currently rampaging across Beijing and have even invented a ‘survey’ to prove it.

If so, you would be quite wrong.

Because it’s all quite serious in this currently depressed climate. The CCP is working hard, and investing a lot of time, money, volts and bullets, to totally invent an entirely new history for the recently occupied country of Tibet, which it has every confidence will be bought lock, stock, and several thousand smoking barrels, by ‘The People’. And here’s why:

Tibet is expected to set a date for the commemoration of emancipation of millions of serfs and slaves 50 years ago after the central government foiled an attempted armed rebellion led by the Dalai Lama and his aristocratic supporters.

The bill set forth by the Standing Committee of the regional people’s congress is aimed at “reminding all the Chinese people, including Tibetans, of the landmark democratic reform initiated 50 years ago”

On March 10, 1959, the Dalai Lama and his supporters in the upper ruling class staged an armed rebellion against the central government with assistance from some western powers.

The People’s Liberation Army swiftly quelled the rebellion and later introduced a democratic reform to overthrew the feudal serfdom and abolished its hierarchic social system characterized by theocracy.

Talk about large ones! And you know what? I reckon they’ll get away with it, too.

Time for another martini.

Posted in China | 6 Comments »

Are you a Man?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 8, 2009

1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent way too much of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and other equally suspicious ‘exercises’. And you’re probably on the Oprah diet, or whatever it’s called. Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog: “Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat: “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any other such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, cigarettes, pipes, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public toilet or a piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out ‘chartreuse’ or you know what a ‘fressier’ is, you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel and you aren’t actually in a race, forget it: you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you hesitate to tell everyone on your email list that MyLaowai.com is your preferred blog, because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

Posted in China | 13 Comments »