Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for December, 2012

Merry Bloody Christmas. Bah, Humbug.

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas Comrades
Merry Christmas, Comrades. Have you stuck a pine tree up an angel’s arse yet? I for one had to buy new decorations for my tree this year, and the angel got the overhead pass into the fucking canal first chance I got. Well, let’s be honest: there ain’t no angels in this benighted land. As for Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of murderers), I simply dressed up a Chairman Mao statue in a red coat and placed it in the reception area at my sweatshop factory. I figured nobody would notice the difference, just another fat red cunt wasting space that could be better used for just about anything else.

But hey, it is Christmas, the time for goodwill to all men. And even though, by their own reckoning, Chinese are not members of the same species as the rest of us, I wish them well regardless. The way I see it, they need my blessings. Sure as eggs though, the concept of ‘goodwill’ is lost on them. Take the ingrate who cleans my Aston – the lazy mouthbreather didn’t even bother coming into work today. His son did though, to beg me for money for his poor, sick father. He must think I’m fucking made of money. I gave the insolent twat a clip around the ear and some good advice, namely “tell your old man if he wants to be employed on Boxing Day then he’ll be showing his face on the 25th. That is, I am sure you will agree, good advice, and an indication of my exceedingly high level of tolerance in this season of graft and corruption. And I’m sure he will be back, because he actually does seem to enjoy his job.

Anyway, I genuinely do wish a Merry Christmas to those of you who are suffering through another shitty, fucked up season of shite in the Celestial Empire. Hopefully by next Christmas the Japanese will have bombed this lot forward into the Stone Age, and we can get back to the gin & tonics, without all the gobshite from the spotty locals. Just like the good old days. I shall be raising a glass to your health, though to be perfectly honest with you, your health would be better served in a place where the PM2.5 count isn’t always in excess of 450ppm. Why not give the family a phone call, and ruin their entire Christmas by telling them how fucking miserably you are faring, because the heating has been switched off and the air temperature is twenty below and the cunts won’t fix it because they say it isn’t actually broken? And then get pissed, and superglue the neighbour’s front door lock. My kids did that last year – Oh, how we laughed! The little scamps.

Merry Christmas, one and all. My best wishes to each and every one of you.

Merry Christmas 2012

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Posted in Festivals et al | 7 Comments »

Sex Trip to China? Forewarned is Forearmed

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guest-Post-Xmas

Hi, single foreign boys and men coming to China. Some simple rules:

1) Yes, you will get lied to. Hourly.

2) Tell them you have no money, house or car. Bye-bye gold-digging whores. So many of them.

3) Tell them you never plan on leaving China. Winnowing the escape artists. So many of them.

4) Survive these, then ask them “And what do your parents think of this?

And if you make it through all of this (down to about 0.001% of available females by now)…

5) 2 out of 3 new AIDS infections in China come from heterosexual sex…

Your brother in legs…

– DaBizzare

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | 9 Comments »

Chicken Soup etc

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2012

I have a day off finally, and I’m cooking chicken soup. Unlike Chinese soups, this isn’t very famous in the world, but it is tasty and warming and probably won’t give me botulism. This isn’t a cookery blog, so I’m not going to give you a tiresome recipe, but for the benefit of my Chinese readership I will give you a few tips:

1. Soups made from scratch take longer than 8 minutes to prepare.
2. Tepid river water isn’t soup.
3. Slimy rubbish found floating in the moat or twigs from the forest floor are not actual ingredients.

I hope this proves useful in your future culinary adventures. Moving on…

Jeff, thank you for your Christmas wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks also for this helpful tip you sent in for our readers (who may wish to try this at home):
Get an absolutely clean and clear plate-glass or perspex and put a small puddle of water from your Nestle drinking fountain on it. Cover it with a dust cover and let it evaporate. Now shine a UV light on the plate-glass or perspex. Now do the same with tap water – a penny for your thoughts if you find something.

0112337 (a.k.a. Mister Fibonacci, a.k.a Annoying Twat), why are you making comments about being stalked by 70-year old gay guys in a park in Beijing? Refer perfectmatchmagazine.com if your memory lets you down. That said, thank you for being the most prolific poster on MyLaowai this year. Also, the most annoying poster on MyLaowai this year. And, possibly, the most entertaining poster on MyLaowai this year. Merry Christmas to you, even though it’s hard to know the season from inside your padded cell.

Da Bizzare, thank you for your various Guest Posts. I apologise for not posting them, and intend to remedy that starting right now (and also Merry Christmas to you):

Guest-Post-Xmas

Are you living in China? How’s your back passage feeling? Open? Stretched? Unlubricated yet well entered?

If not, you haven’t wised up yet. Every major piece of commercial software in this god-forsaken, anally retentive paranoid block of land they call a cunt-tree, even though the tree count is low – compared with the other component – will ream your computer for any viable information that may, or may not, be deemed sensitive by our hypochondriac bow-legged slant-eyed ‘friends’.

You shop on taobao? Oooh, that will probably require – software. I don’t mean the clothes that men wear here, I mean that executable stuff. No, I don’t mean the falling bong, err, failing gang, err, the radicals… I mean the shit that runs on your computer – or what passes as such here in this technologically starved land.

And said software, along with QQ and many many others of locally produced products, all have Chinese government installed green dams. Their mission: to search out new lives, to boldly execute where no-one has executed before (and here I mean the family-sponsored bullet to the head type of execution).

Live long and fester, and although its hard to keep your back passage closed, at least try and keep a spare orifice free. Err, unavailable for other’s use, not “for no charge”. There’s plenty of THOSE sort of free orifices everywhere here…

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Festivals et al, Food, Guest Post | 2 Comments »