Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for January, 2014

Sootilocks and the 1 Child Family

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Guest Post
A Classic Fairytale with Harmonious Chinese Characteristics.

by DaBizzare

Once upon a time, about 10 days ago, lived a little girl called Sootilocks. She was a very good little girl and did her homework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Every 3 years her school would give her a day off, and this year she decided she would be the filial granddaughter and visit her grandma. On the way, she got lost, and being tired and hungry, she went into a nearby apartment. There was no-one home, but there was some delicious food on the table: excrement-stuffed cardboard buns called baozi, and to her, they were delicious.

There were three plates. She tried the first one, it was too hot. She tried the second one, it was too cold. She tried the third one, it tasted like crap, but she ate all three anyway because she was a filial confuscian.

Her legs were tired, so she wanted to sit down, and she saw three chairs. The first one was too big. The second one was too small. The third one had nails sticking into her bottom, but she hardly noticed as she was used to the local quality standards.

Then she wanted to have a sleep, so she went looking for beds. The first one was too hard. The second one was even harder. The third one was even harder again, but she went to sleep like a good little girl because that was what was always expected of her, and she was, if nothing else, the filial student.

While she was asleep, the occupants of the 60 square meter apartment returned: Daddy Monkey, Mommy Monkey and Baby Monkey. Daddy Monkey said “Someone has been eaten my baozi and spat on the table.” Mommy Monkey said “Someone was eaten my baozi, and sneezed on the table.” Baby Monkey said “Someone ated my baozi, and they ated it all up.” Grammar was not a strong point in this household.

Then Daddy saw his chair. “Someone has been sat in my chair.”. Mommy said “Someone was sat in my chair.” Baby said “Someone was satted in my chair, and blooded all over it!”

Then the three monkeys went to go to bed. “Someone has been slept in my bed” said Daddy Monkey. “Someone sleepered in my bed too” said Mommy Monkey. “Someone slepted in my bed, AND THEY ARE YET THERE!!!” cried Baby Monkey.

The three Monkeys cooked Sootilocks and made delicious baozi from her that they sold to their neighbours for many weeks.

THE END

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