Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for May, 2010

The Axe Wound Trophy

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 27, 2010

There’s a lot of hand-wringing being done in the press over the fact that a few useless and emotionally crippled losers topped themselves down in Shenzhen recently. It seems that it’s becoming a bit of a fashion statement for Foxconn employees to leap off tall buildings in a single bound, and the usual bleeding hearts and pinko muppets have all taken to bleating about the inherent unfairness of society, whatever the hell that means.

MyLaowai has another take on the whole situation, and it goes something like this: Harden the fuck up.

Tsinghua University social science professor Guo Yuhua and eight sociologists criticised Foxconn in an open letter last week, saying a lack of basic human rights was the reason behind the suicides.

Really? Is that a fact, Mister Smarty-Arse Professor? Well if a lack of basic human rights leads to suicide, then why haven’t 1.4 billion other fucktards not taken long-overdue walks off short fucking piers this week? Huh? I’ll tell you why, genius: it’s because you’re talking out of your arse. The reason these blokes took the quick route to the ground floor was because they were mentally weak and probably insane.

“[Manufacturers] use the term `migrant workers’ as an excuse and pay them monthly salaries much lower than the average of underdeveloped countries, forcing them to leave their hometowns and families behind, and live a struggling life without family care and dignity,” the letter said.

Do me a favour, Sparky, shut up. Just shut up. All of us grown-ups here in China (by which I am referring to the expatriate community, naturally) have left our home towns and families behind. We all live a struggling life without family care and what’s worse, we are surrounded on all sides by a stinking barbarian horde. And as for the low salaries, well here’s another newsflash – these lily-livered jellyfish-spined misfits probably aren’t worth what they got, regardless of how low it is. Holy Crybaby Batman! If it’s that tough, nothing and nobody is stopping them from leaving their poorly paid jobs and going back to their precious home town and families.

The real problem here, is that China is filled with the emotionally weak and crippled dregs of a 2,300-year selective breeding programme designed to weed out anyone with balls, backbones, or brains. The result is what we see around us all day, every day. If a few of these rejects decide to stop wasting our oxygen, then that’s just fine with me. There’s no soul-searching required. They’ve done us all a favour by removing their defective genes from the local gene puddle.

So, please, stop with the whining already. If these guys want to push up daisies, let them. Hell, I’ll even come down there and push the ones who are a bit undecided. I’d be happy to lob their families over the parapet, too. Line ’em all up, I say.

These weaklings don’t leave empty-handed, however, because they take with them into the afterlife the coveted Axe Wound Trophy, awarded to the useless wastrels who have done most in the service of mediocrity.

On the other hand, at least now they won’t be making as many stupid iPhones. Which is encouraging.

Posted in Axe Wound Trophy | 45 Comments »

Migrant Workers

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Posted in Motivational! | 1 Comment »

You Dirty Rat

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, May 18, 2010

They fought the dogs and killed the cats,
And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of the vats,
And licked the soup from the cooks’ own ladles,
Split open the kegs of salted sprats,
Made nests inside men’s Sunday hats,
And even spoiled the women’s chats,
By drowning their speaking
With shrieking and squeaking
In fifty different sharps and flats.

It seems that China is experiencing a Plague of Rats. Again. And this is of course a matter of some concern for us all, though I must confess that it doesn’t concern me nearly as much as the stories of a Plague of, well, Plague that is sweeping across the nation. And I’m half convinced the stories must have some truth to them, else why would the Government be denying them so strenuously?

What is it with China and Plagues, anyway? It’s all here, you know, from SARS and bird flu and swine flu, to Hand Foot & Mouth disease and half-a-dozen things labelled as being H-number-N-number. The CDC are currently talking about an outbreak of measles and go on to warn travellers to China of the risks of encephalitis, malaria, dengue, filariasis, tickbourne encephalitis, leishmaniasis, schistosomiasis and leptospirosis. They also warn that taking Chinese medicines is as likely to kill you as it is to kill the disease, but what do they know, really?

The BBC has been reporting on a mysterious HIV-like disease that is spreading like wildfire, with victims saying things like: “Twenty-four hours [after having sex with a prostitute] I had a strong desire to vomit. I had headaches, I was dizzy, I could feel my internal organs were swelling up. I was in intense pain. This lasted months.” The Pasteur Institute is taking this very seriously, and so far has confirmed that whatever it is, it isn’t HIV. Of course, on the other hand, the Government has made it perfectly clear that “their illness could be the result of a mental rather than a physical condition.” Okay, fine. If you say so. I reckon it’s just as likely to be the result of eating the disgustingly vile muck that passes for ‘food’ in this hellhole. I’ve heard rumours that pneumonic plague has escaped the quarantine zone around the north-western town of Ziketan, but for the record I’d like to state that these rumours are certainly malicious and untrue. Also, for the record, spreading or listening to rumours can get you shot, or so it’s rumoured.

China gave the world the Black Death, and that’s no rumour – it’s an historical fact (though not perhaps a fact one can find in a Chinese history book). A doctor friend of mine says it’s also a fact that China has the world’s highest rate of appendicitis, caused when poorly cooked rice is not digested and goes septic in the intestines. Mind you, removing internal organs is at least something that most hospitals in China have a vast amount of experience at doing. There is an incredibly high incidence of rabies, Hepatitis A and B (and probably C, D, E and F as well), AIDS, and quite literally dozens of unidentified influenza-type diseases besides.

There is, as we speak, a Plague of Boils, judging by what I see every time I take a countryside bus. And a Plague of Lice. I feel confident in saying that there is no Plague of the Death of the First-Born, however there is certainly a Plague of the Death of the Second- and even Third-Born, and sometimes of the Parents Who Didn’t Follow The One-Child Policy as well. It’s entirely possible that there is a Plague of Frogs, but really how would you know in a country where frogs get themselves eaten the moment they stick their heads above the parapet? Which brings us nicely back to the current Plague of Rats.

The Government, to be fair, is doing the best it can under the circumstances, spreading hundreds of tons of poison across the vast areas of land, and with some effect. That effect has been the death by poisoning of all the cats and dogs, though it must be said that the rats are still doing fine, thank you. And perhaps this is just as well, given how popular rat meat is in this country. Wet markets are reporting an enormous increase in the supply of rat meat, which is often used to make a spicy rat stew, and though in Beijing and Shanghai restaurants frequently mix rat meat with lamb fat to disguise the taste, the experienced gourmand can tell the difference (the difference being the small size of the meat lumps, the stringy gristle, and the pieces of lamb fat amongst the meat). But at least the snakes are doing well, what with all the rats to eat, and that means that snake is also on the menu at just about every sit-down meal in the land.

What the hell is wrong with you, Chinese People? If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves. I mean, honestly, Bird’s Nest Soup? What the fuck is that all about? It’s the nest of a cave-dwelling bird and it’s made from bird spit! Shark Fin Soup? I’ve had it, and I’m relieved to be able to say that the best one can say for it is that it is slimy and tasteless, a bit like the population of the country as a whole. Seriously, if you want slimy and tasteless, why not just use way too much MSG, the same as you do for every single other thing you cook. And don’t start on me with your tales of China World Famous Cuisines, because that’s bullshit and you know it. I know for a fact that I’m not the first to observe that your ‘Famous Cuisines’ consist of cabbage dumplings, cabbage and pickle dumplings, pickle dumplings, and shit (possibly in a dumpling). It’s no wonder you are all so weedy, weak, and pathetic, with your protruding teeth and sunken chests and titless women. In the name of all that is holy, just eat a fucking steak, and I don’t mean a thin strip of hormone-injected schnitzel with a few macaroni curls on top. That isn’t steak, not even close. If you don’t know that, you probably don’t even know what a purplised grumbler is. What’s a purplised grumbler? Exactly my fucking point. Get a grip.

Here’s some advice: take your ‘delicious food’ and your ‘very healthy’ medicines and your disease and dirt and disgusting culture and stick it up your arse, or at least keep it to yourselves. Because we don’t want any of it.

This post has been brought to you by the letters of the fucking Alphabet and numbers that don’t look like childish pictographs. I dedicate this post to Charlie_Sierra, who gave me the motivation I needed.


Posted in China, Environment, Food | 29 Comments »


Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Damn. Two hours of properly good ranting lost. Thanks, Chinese Government.

I’m going out now to meet some Chinese People in the street. If that doesn’t inspire me to have another go, nothing will.

Oh, and Chinese People? Fuck you.

Posted in China | 1 Comment »

An Audience With H.M.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hu Jintao is in Britain, having been summoned to a conference. Whilst there, he begs an audience with Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth the Second.

When given permission to speak, he says: “China is a great country, and I think it would be helpful if you named China an Empire, as it would be good for trade.”

The Queen looks at Hu thoughtfully before replying: “My dear wee chap, to have an Empire, one must first have an Emperor, and you my little man are certainly not that”.

Hu looks downcast, but then perks up. “As we all know,” he says, “China has 5,000 years history. If you name China a Kingdom, it would be good for trade.”

The Queen, God bless ‘er, replies: “My dear little man, to have a Kingdom, one must first have a King, and you, my entertaining laundryman, are certainly not that!”.

Poor Hu is distraught for a moment, but then recovers. “All the world knows China invented everything. It would be good for trade if you named China a Duchy.”

The Queen laughs politely. “My dear chap, to have a Duchy, one needs a Duke, and you do not come close to qualifying!”

The Queen sits back upon her throne and considers Hu carefully. “No,” she says after a moments contemplation, “Upon reflection, we are quite satisfied that China is, indeed, a country.”

Posted in You're Joking? | 11 Comments »

Haibao and the Sinking of Shanghai

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 5, 2010

So, Shanghai is sinking. Perhaps it is hubris, with a name that literally means “Above the Sea”, maybe it will have to be renamed soon. They have staved off trouble temporarily by building dykes (isn’t the Bund so picturesque?) and for the long term they are busy making up for the depletion of ground water by pumping in large quantities of effluent chemical sludge water from the Huangpu river.

Shanghai used to be swampland. Noxious gases, a complete lack of civilized life, unfit for human habitation and dangerous wildlife. Then they started reclaiming the land, nothing much changed other than they actually sited people on it.

Of course, it doesn’t take a lot of genius to realise that pumping the water out to make firmer mud, then piling on towering buildings on the top, doesn’t make for a stable long term seaside city. Unfortunately, even that small amount of brainpower is completely absent in any of the municipal authorities.

Enter Haibao – the proposed new name for Shanghai. Designed to represent people, based on the Chinese character ‘ren‘, and his name meaning “Treasure of the Ocean”, Haibao is the mystic embodiment of the people driving Shanghai into the sea.

After the Expo the myriad of Haibao’s will finally be put to use. Those of flimsy construction will be ceremonially burnt, as symbolic human effigies. Hopefully this will counter the curse. Those of more solid construction will be used as underground structural supports, to try and keep the subsidence to a minimum. Yes, hidden in that simplistic design is a nice load-bearing arch.

So, will Shanghai become Haibao in the near future? Only time will tell, but by all means go visit the basements of the skyscrapers, and check the water level for yourself.

– DaBizarre

Posted in Festivals et al, Guest Post, Propaganda | 2 Comments »