I read recently about how some Chinese airlines don’t offer a suitable vegetarian meal on international flights, and that this is a violation of IATA rules. Apparently, “Vegetarians in India are not allowed to eat vegetables that grow under the soil and never see the light of day [and that] the only choice is often eating one biscuit, one cake, and drinking one cup of tea”.
Now, I’m the first one to admit that the food on Chinese flights is an appalling, disgusting abomination, but for once I’m on their side. Vegetarians? What the fuck is wrong with these people? ‘Vegetarian‘ is merely shorthand for ‘the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or ride‘.
These vegetarian types really piss me off. Why do they get special treatment? I’m a strict meatatarian, but you don’t see me whining about the piece of soggy spinach that lies there ruining my piece of delicious chicken or beef, do you? Sure, maybe you don’t like all the added clenbuterol in Chinese pork, and that’s fair enough. But that’s no excuse to go around eating a bunch of potherbs and pretending that you are somehow better than everyone else.
Fuck you, vegetarians. Now you’ve got IATA drawing up a list of 54 special meals and their specific ingredients for you and your skeletal buddies. Check out these, for example:
AVML (Vegetarian Hindu / Asiatic Meal)
– Spicy vegetarian combinations with limited use of dairy products.
BBML (Baby Meal)
– Two types (with fruit and vegetable) of glass jar baby food available on request.
BLML (Bland Meal)
– For those with digestive tract, gut disorders or chewing problems.
CHML (Child Meal)
– Contains a combination of appropriate and nicely decorated foods which appeal to children.
DBML (Diabetic Meal)
– For those who need to manage their blood sugar levels.
FPML (Fruit Platter Meal)
– Contains seasonal fresh fruits.
GFML (Gluten Intolerant Meal)
– Supplied for those who are allergic to grain flour.
HNML (Hindu Meal)
– Vegetarian food prepared in an Indian style which does not contain beef and egg.
KSML (Kosher Meal)
– These meals are prepared to comply with Jewish dietary laws.
LCML (Low Calorie Meal)
– A low calorie diet should not contain excessive protein portions and should be low in fat and sugar.
LFML (Low Fat Meal)
– High fibre meal with reduced amounts of fat. Does not contain egg, fried products or fat.
LSML (Low Salt Meal)
– Low sodium meal; prepared with ingredients that are low in salt and sodium content.
MOML (Muslim Meal)
– Does not contain pork, and/or pork products. Alcohol is not used in production process.
NLML (Low Lactose Meal)
– Does not contain dairy products or their derivatives.
RVML (Vegetarian Raw Meal)
– Contains only raw vegetables or fruits.
SFML (Sea Food Meal)
– Contains a selection of seafood.
VGML (Strict Vegetarian Meal)
– Strict vegetarian meal (No milk products)
VJML (Jain Meal)
– Hindu Vegetarian food prepared in Indian style, based on Jain customs.
VLML (Vegetarian Lacto Ovo Meal)
– Does not contain meat, fish or seafood. May contain dairy products such as milk, butter, cheese etc.
VOML (Vegetarian Oriental Meal)
– Prepared with vegetables and fruits.
SPML (Special Meal (Celebration Cake))
– Cake for greetings like birthday and honeymoon.
Jew-onna-stick, that’s fucked up! If I asked for a special meal that contained only proper, manly, life-giving meat, I’d be told to simply ignore the vegetables, so why can’t you horrible whiny brats just ignore the meat, if you don’t like it?
And if you thought vegetarians were bad (and they are), then the religious types are even worse! Religious and vegetarian? That’s two completely unrelated types of clinical insanity inside one head – if this is you, then eating special meals is the least of your problems, sunshine. You shouldn’t be allowed to fly – you shouldn’t even be allowed outside the confines of your padded room without a burly, white-coated escort.
Remember back in the good old days? When you could have a smoke and a drink and shag the stewardess in the aft galley (pun intended)? Then the airlines banned smoking because not having to clean the air led to fuel savings, and they started hiring homosexual men and ugly, middle-aged broads with attitudes as big as their ankles, and made it illegal to have sex onboard, so that even if you still wanted to join the Mile High Club, you couldn’t. Then those no-good Yanks made even getting on to a plane an experience so awful that you no longer wanted to fly. And all those cut-rate, penny-pinching airlines in America and Australia started making you pay extra for your drinks, as if fares weren’t expensive enough already. And now you can’t even order a meal without some IATA vegetarian wanker demanding that it be gluten lacto diabetic sodium free!
It’s no fucking wonder people fly their planes into buildings from time to time. It’s probably the only thing left to do.
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