Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for March, 2009

Somebody called for a Rant…?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 30, 2009



Students of the Noveau Riche

In the finest tradition of teasing the bee in my bonnet with a bouquet of yellow roses with their erect stamens pointing firmly towards Beijing, I offer you the poor point of view of a teacher (come on, just say it: “Oh, a fricking Laowai who speaks native English, just pucker your ass-lips into a full-mouthed vowel and you have an instant job mixture) who has to rub shoulders with the offspring of the elite and powerful clique that call themselves the upper middle class of modern enlightened China.

Without wasting a moment to apologize to the editor for the convoluted grammar I am sure he detests despite liberally employing it, allow me to introduce myself. I am a professional writer from an English speaking country, lost in a never-ending yellow haze of BaiJiu soaked days and XiaoJie soaked nights. In order to support my growing requirement for the brain-deadening effect of alcoholic stupors (as required by my witnessing of the below) I have had to resort to teaching these fantastic (in the proper sense – not real) children in return for the toilet-paper that passes as currency in this part of the world. Ok ok, so a sheet of good quality toilet paper is worth more than a RenMinBi, but you get the point. I mean, don’t let it faze you that before I came here I was teaching professional, native speakers business English writing, that would just confuse the issue by demonstrating I actually knew something worth teaching. Not that it, by any means, stops me from having quality conversations with students that go something like this:

Bella: “I finish repeating an English book. Want to improve myself. I am trying to be a wonderful.”

Me: “That’s my girl. Get great English so when we jump into bed together you can understand my requests. Ok, tonight’s vocabulary for better sex is ‘Tickle my balls with a peacock feather.'”

Bella: “Can’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what a peacock is?”

Bella: “No.”

Me: “So use your dictionary.”

Bella: “My English is rubbish though i read English everyday.”

Me: “Not at all, peacock is hardly a word I would expect to be taught. There are millions of words, just look this one up.”

Bella: “I also have no progress in it.”

Me: “Oh rubbish – we communicate just fine. So – have you found ‘peacock’ in your dic. yet?”

Bella: “I have no dic beside me.”

Me: “http://www.mandarintools.com/worddict.html” (note, I provide this link every other week to her, hoping that repetition will pay off one day)

Bella: “Change another topic until i have a good English let us talk this.”

Me: “A peacock is a beautiful bird: 孔雀. Zhe dao le ma?”

Bella: “Got it.”

Me: “Ok, so you know the long, beautiful feathers on the peacock’s tail?”

Bella: “Yes. His tail is beautiful.”

Me: “Right – well, you take one of the those feathers to tickle (胳肢) my balls (睾). Understand?”

Bella: “STOP THAT.”

For a country that has a pathological loathing of queues, it is amazing how popular QQ is. Anyway, before I get sidetracked into a long rant about the quality (or lack thereof most likely) of the teachers found in the land of the long yellow groan, let’s get into the real meat of this sandwich: their protagonists; the students.

The modern China is a far cry from the traditional China that is constantly force-fed to us by the inhabitants as the true description of this nation of deeply ingrained hypocritical xenophobes. In this day and age, we have the one-child policy, as enforced by the department of Families Using Controlled Killing Unless Planned (FUCKUP), which is simultaneously bringing about several new phenomena.

The first is the introduction of the helicopter parent (always hovering around), certainly one of the bane of teachers in China everywhere. They know FAR more about education their child than we do, and never hesitate in demanding we lowlife Laowai change our curriculum to match their requirements, usually on a weekly basis, until they have gone full circle and realize they have finally demanded that we return to our originally scheduled program. Why do they know more than us? Because we know NOTHING about China of course.

First lesson, Chinese are more highly evolved than the rest of the planet because 5000 years ago a group of yellow bastards decided that the only way to do business (after inventing the concept) was to get pissed (on their invention, alcohol), make a deal, then run off to fuck Wang XiaoJie (for pay, as invented by the Chinese – see previous). They then institutionalized this into a system of government and social (dis)order.

Second lesson, as we are evil, amoral, arrogant, uncivilized and uncultured anti-Chinese devil worshippers, how could we be expected to bring anything of value to the children in our classroom? This is obvious from the differences between western and eastern education methodologies, the latter being to introduce the exam to the children at the start of the school year, then demand they reproduce the Party-approved answers word for word at regular intervals with all classes being dedicated to the rote impressing of such. We WaiGuo just don’t understand this finely honed system of proper brain washing education. Let alone, western culture doesn’t force its children into 16 hours of daily schooling 7 days a week starting from age 3.

The third lesson, the Chinese invented schooling (although I am sure Kong FuZi would roll over in the huge compost heap they call his tomb if he was to blink a decomposed eye at the modern indoctrination education system) so we western people simply haven’t had the thousands of years of experience of state-owned propaganda education that is required to properly program educate their children.

The second phenomenon is, naturally, their charming offspring, most of whom are certainly off by any foreign standard. These children are spoiled rotten, self-centred, blinkered, parasitic recorders, but you should see their bad side. God help China in a few years when the workforce demographic consists mainly of these foul creations, and when justice finally comes around and bites them firmly in their backside. Let’s take a typical scenario with a senior college student:

LaoShi: “What do you want to do when you finish college?”

XueSheng: “Study abroad.”

LaoShi: “Oh? What subjects?”

XueSheng: “Whatever they will let me into.”

LaoShi: “But isn’t that counter productive because China has the superior cultural imperative and all the western thoughts and materials have just been stolen from the Chinese?”

XueSheng: “I need to experience the decadence of the west in order to truly appreciate the grandeur of my country, and in doing so, be able to formulate more efficient schemes for extracting money from the unsuspecting Laowai.”

LaoShi: “Uh huh, so, after you finish studying abroad, what are your plans?”

XueSheng: “I want to start my own business.”

LaoShi: “Oh, what sort of business?”

XueSheng: “Selling stuff.”

LaoShi: “What sort of stuff?”

XueSheng: “Dunno, that is why I am going abroad, to get some ideas. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, Daddy has promised me the money to start my own business.”

(Yes, this is a fictionalized account of the real conversations, as the English level displayed by our brave youngster is simply so far below even this basic standard that it renders the conversation useless for the purposes of demonstration)

Now the problem begins to display itself in all its true technicolor (invented by the Chinese of course) glory. Our intrepid young entrepreneur, having received his seed money from his father venture capitalist (with Chinese Communist characteristics of course), starts his business and begins attempting to employ staff to do the actual work. Well, of course our model student here won’t actually have DO any of the WORK themselves, they have avoided this so far in their life and they are damned if they are starting now, so they require staff.

Our first challenge raises itself, most of his staff demographic are out starting identical businesses and have no interest in working for our Fiscally Aware and Highly Trained hero. The remaining demographic are either too old for our budding young CEO’s modern dreams, or have flunked university so badly as to be suitable for nothing more than doorstops, unless gifted by a rare chance of genes that combined to make them attractive enough to be sought after as a cum-gargling fuckbucket profitable XiaoJie. I say gifted because the massive inbreeding and constant exposure to healthy combinations of high-grade pollutants as dictated by the forever ruling Han class has created a nation of buck-teethed, boggle-eyed, bow-legged, acne-pockmarked, cybrowed, stumpy, overweight, hairless fucktards who have difficulty finding their ass with their hands even with a map.

Our next challenge was already implied by the definition of the first, that whatever business our little yellow friend chooses, he has a million other similarly-minded mongoloids trying to do exactly the same thing. This is the time-honoured way to do business in China, walk down the street until you find a business that doesn’t look like too much work, then duplicate that business right next door to the original. Crikey, they don’t even have the sense to go to the other side of street, let alone town, to do their R&D (rip-off and duplicate).

So, let’s assume, against all statistical probability, that our example Shining Heavenly Light of Celestial Grandeur and Business Endowment has actually managed to start a business that isn’t duplicated too many times on the chosen street (while remembering that seeing as the Chinese invented streets, they have evolved far past the requirement for such and that footpaths and road surfaces alike are merely vacant shop space for less financially capable but equally avaricious competitors) and has even managed to attract some staff, what then?

If they are PRODUCING product, we have the (in)famous Chinese Quality standards to meet, also known as the second set of bribes (the first bribes were to register, locate and power the business), in order to ensure that the product is capable of reinforcing the Holy Party requirement of population reduction by all means necessary through minimum requirements of embodied toxins. These toxins don’t come cheap, and sometimes even requiring shipping from a long distance, usually because the local supplies of such have long been consumed by the other local businesses.

Then, regardless of whether they are actually MAKING anything or not, we have the next round of grafts (institutionalized by Chairman Mao who was a great believer that agriculture should lead the way, because it is mainly powered by bullshit) – keeping the power on, taxation, protection money for the local extortionists policing fees and so on. About this time our young friend has realized that his naive profit projections are about as useful for forecasting the business climate as his penis is useful for propagation, which – given the enormous fertility problem of our civilized, cultured, inbred walking toxin farms – is to say, a non-existent capability. So, he has to raise prices in order to satisfy the demands of his newly extended family: the tax man; local Mafia boss police chief; the Minister for Industrial Systems, Farming, Institutions and Training (MISFIT); the manager of the power distribution and so on. Unfortunately for him, the latest wave of ‘graduates’ is out on the streets, blissfully unaware of the full requirements of these social responsibilities every Chinese has to his family – the mother country – and have projected their profit margins and realized that they can do what he does, better and cheaper.

It is a seething sea of sharks and blood, and our wannabe baleen whale has just been harpooned by the cloning of his avarice, stupidity, duplicity and complete lack of anything resembling creativity. So, how does he stay afloat? He goes to his local, friendly bank of course, and with daddy’s guanxi (a Chinese word that is somewhat akin to relationships, only you will get fucked harder than any XiaoJie will ever be capable of) and some creative accounting, manages to get himself a business loan to ensure his diet of KTV girls, BaiJiu and deep-fried effluent keeps flowing freely. This merely extends the strain on the entire Chinese financial system, now completely dedicated to supporting the newly adopted American system of consumerism at all cost to ensure Communist produce is actually purchased by someone, seeing as the rest of the world prefers products that last longer than a week or two before beginning to decompose into their native constituent toxic materials.

But that’s OK, he has been in business long enough now to know that all he needs for a loan is a bit more guanxi; pay for a few dinners with the local bank manager with the obligatory BaiJiu, KTV girls and foreign devil imported drinks; and a bit more creative accounting to show his sustained profitability. He can now get a new loan to buy a cramped, substandard, short-lived, mis-wired, pollutant-laden apartment to raise a single child with his KTV girl of choice.

A few years down the track and he starts to realize his market is shrinking, the successful effects of the party-mandated Youth In Asia and Daddy’s business is also facing similar problems. Rampant, sustained inflation has further reduced his purchasing power, but this was A Good Thing because it reduced the requirement of his Elder Brothers In The Government With Chinese Characteristics for purchasing large amounts of foreign currency in order to artificially deflate the value of a fairly worthless monetary system to keep it in line with other equally worthless systems. With the reduction of the population around him he begins to worry about a decline in his property’s value, when, one day, with a short, sharp crack, his property begins to biodegrade on schedule and thereby ensures that the supply of housing meets the new, lower demand.

Watching his business and house crumble are too much for our ex-KTV girl, so she now runs off to whore it up with the local Friendly Communist Party Leaders, who in turn give her the bloated contract for removing the rubbish that used to be known as Housing For The Glorious And Well Loved Citizens of The Kingdom at the Centre of the Universe. Then this fraud gets exposed, because insufficient funds are flowing upwards into the coffers of the Treasury of the Heavenly Inspired Kingdom of Freedom for All Hard Working Comrades and our now divorced ex-KTV girl’s fleeting moment of Financial And Social Independence has passed, leaving her sitting in the internet cafe sending out bulk emails to any Laowai stupid enough to reply to her, stating her immediate availability for marriage and romance, provided he has enough financial assets to make it worth her while to strip him raw.

The Children Are Our Future, and verily shall it come to pass wind for us.

– DaBizarre


Posted in Guest Post | 4 Comments »

It ISN’T [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 30, 2009

Today is, in fact, March 30th – a great day in history, I’m sure you’ll agree. For it is on this day in history – this one, special, day – that China cannot claim to have invented anything at all. Not only did China completely and utterly fail to invent anything, no matter how small, they even managed to have nobody of note born on this day in history (claims that ‘singer’ Hebe Tian is Chinese can be dismissed on the grounds that it’s a lie, as she is Taiwanese, and claims that Nanjing was made capital of the country on this day in history are refuted on the grounds that Japanese tourists were simply pulling everyone’s leg). Nope, nothing interesting has ever happened on March 30th.

Because MyLaowai favours balanced reporting, we should also note that nothing of any worth or significance happened anywhere else, either. Just ask anyone who has listened to a Celine Dion ‘song’, or anyone who either voted Reagan, lives in Florida, was born in Alaska, or happened to be the Archbishop of Canterbury once. The Heinkel He100 was boring, as was UNIVAC. The Treaty of Paris and the Treaty of Fez are just more examples of ‘unfair treaties’, and the only thing interesting about Hymen Lipman is his suggestive name. World War Two was only the side show to what was happening in China, and nobody cares what the Soviet Union did in Austria. Vincent van Gogh is practically unheard of.

Mind you, the first recorded perihelion passage of Halley’s Comet is something worth remembering, and today we celebrate it’s 2,249th Anniversary. It was discovered, naturally, by Chinese astronomers, according to documents recently uncovered in a demolished hutong in Beijing.

Happy Anniversary, Mister Comet.

Posted in Adjective Monday, Festivals et al | Leave a Comment »

A Proper Breakfast

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 28, 2009

It’s Saturday morning, you’ve gotten up early to get things done, and you’re now at the point where breakfast is on the cards. You don’t normally have time for anything more than a cup of joe and a cigarette, so you’re really looking forward to this.

Let’s start with the bacon, shall we? Four rashers of smoked Danish back bacon, slightly crispy. Mmmmm… Scrambled eggs, with a hint of black pepper, straight from the mill. Toast, naturally, made from fresh wholegrain bread and slathered in real Irish salted butter (not that nasty margarine shite that’s made from plastic).

Then the coffee: a pint of steaming brain juice, made from freshly ground beans imported from Brazil, and laced with a generous splash of dark rum (it makes the cigarette taste even better, trust me).

And what, you might ask, does this have to do with China? Nothing at all, and that is precisely the point.

No tasteless buns filled with rat innards or softened cardboard, no salted duck eggs with rotten pickles, and no watery reheated rice, thank you Mr Wang. And while we’re at it, no bloody muesli either, so all the lesbians and filmstars can go and get knotted.

Just a healthy, nutritious, delicious breakfast.

A proper breakfast.

Posted in Food | 1 Comment »

A Children’s Rhyme

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 28, 2009

This is the peasant whose son ran off,

Who had the SARS that killed with a cough,

Who knew the official with snout in the trough,

All he knows is greed and sloth,

Who once was a student who only could scoff

At the landlord who’s ears he’d cut off,

On the orders of the Party Boss,

Who always seemed cross,

And went on to starve the poor,

And start some wars,

And kick laowai out,

Then blamed the drought,

Murdered the monks,

Smelled like a skunk…

This is the State that Mao built.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 27, 2009

Today’s fact[s] is are:

Fact! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another Fact! No money = no honey.


China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 15 Comments »

It’s [Adverb] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 23, 2009

Today’s adverb is:


– adverb: In a free manner; without restraint or compulsion
From FREE:
1. Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.
2. Not controlled by obligation or the will of another; free to go.
3. Having political independence
4. Governed by consent and possessing or granting civil liberties: a free citizenry.
5. Not subject to arbitrary interference by a government; a free press.
6. Not affected or restricted by a given condition or circumstance; a man free from worry.
7. Not occupied.

Pronunciation: free.lee

Origin: bef. 900; ME freliche, OE frēolīce.

Example: There is a herd of Grass-Mud Horses who live freely in the MaLe Desert, they are courageous, tenacious, and overcome the difficult environment.

Posted in Adverb Monday | 6 Comments »

Song of the Grass-Mud Horse

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 21, 2009

This song is a clever protest of China’s censorship of free speech and profanity on the internet.
The major characters in the song have names that sound similar to Chinese curse words.

There is a herd of Grass-Mud Horses (fuck your mother)
Who live in the MaLe Desert (your mother’s cunt)
They are lively and intelligent
They are fun loving and nimble
They live freely in the MaLe Desert (your mother’s cunt)
They are courageous, tenacious, and overcome the difficult environment

Oh, lying down Grass-Mud Horse (Oh, fuck your mother!)
Oh, running wild Grass-Mud Horse (Oh, fuck your mother, hard!)

They defeated the River Crabs (censorship)
In order to protect their grassland (free speech)
River Crabs (censorship) dissappeared from the MaLe Desert forever!

Posted in Censorship, China, Human Rights, Media | 1 Comment »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 20, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! China invented toilet paper.

It’s a well-established fact that toilet paper was invented for the use of the Chinese Imperial Court. The sheets measured two by three feet each, and by the fourteenth century in Zhejiang province alone, production exceeded ten million packages each containing 1,000 to 10,000 sheets. All this goes to show that to be a Chinese Official, you really had to be full of shit. Times, of course, change, and today consumption of toilet paper for the entire nation is less than 100 sheets per year. The officials are still, however, just as full of shit.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 12 Comments »

Protected: MyLaowai Exclusive: Zhang Ziyi Naked Sex Pics!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 18, 2009

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Bog Leaping Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I hope you’re all enjoying St. Patrick’s Day. Please note that sobriety isn’t a substitute for happiness. I’m planning on inventing a new drink shortly, and I’ll let you know how I get on if I can remember the details tomorrow.

That Patrick, he was an interesting fellow. He rid Ireland of snakes, don’tcherknow? Mind you, the Chinese (who invented Ireland) have a few Saints of their own, and none so awe-inspiring as Saint Mao Zedong.

That Irish chap, he may have rid a small, cold, island of snakes, but Mao Zedong managed to rid an entire empire of foreigners! The old bog leaper increased the number of converts to Christianity, but Saint Mao doubled the size of his empire by including most of his neighbours in his Map of New China (and then sent in the Army to make sure everyone was okay with the general idea). And finally, although Paddy’s followers eventually came up with a ‘Two Patrick’s Theory‘, Mao’s disciples came up with a ‘Three Represents Theory‘, which is not only one better, but also way harder to understand.

Mind you, pretty much everyone in the world thinks becoming Irish for a day (this day, in fact) is pretty good. I can’t think of very many people who’d want to be Chinese for any period of time, and that includes a lot of Chinese.

So here’s a toast to you, my loyal readership. Here’s also to Saint Patrick, who rid Ireland of serpents. And here’s to Saint Mao Zedong, the greatest butcher of all time, who not only went to war with every one of his neighbours, but who also managed to kill well over a hundred million of his own people (for which he is officially ‘thirty percent wrong’). Cheers!

xxx Vixen, the MyLaowai copy editor.

St Patrick's Day


Update the Next Day: We here at MLHQ did manage a new alcoholic invention that will shake the very foundations of Christendom. At least, we thought last night that this would be the case, but now none of us are sure of the precise ingredients or exact method. It included Guinness, and London Gin. And some other stuff. And now I’m going to have a cup of tea and think quiet thoughts. -Vixen.

Posted in Festivals et al | 3 Comments »