Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Spring Into Spring!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, February 5, 2009

I’ve written before about the Chinese sense of humour, and you may have formed the impression that in fact the Chinese have no sense of humour at all. Not so. They do have a sense of humour, it’s just that their ‘jokes’ aren’t very funny – finding it amusing when bad things happen to other people is a typical example. Yet their sense of humour invariably fails when those same bad things happen to them.

Example: for decades it’s been a good joke for China to boycott the Olympic Games every four years, yet when there was talk by other people of doing precisely that last year, there was an overwhelming outpouring of nationalist vitriol.

Example: when an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a tsunami that killed nearly a quarter of a million people on December 26, 2004, people in China were laughing in the streets about it (“oh how they deserve it hahahaha“), yet when an earthquake last year caused a few of their own buildings to fall down, they immediately started criticising other nations for not doing enough to help.

Example: most Chinese found it hilarious when the President of the United States of America had a shoe thrown at him by a television reporter last year, yet the reaction to their own ‘Butcher Wen’ having a shoe lobbed at him recently has been one of national uproar.

So when, earlier this week, I detected an increased level of hostility towards foreigners in the streets of the land, I naturally put it down to the fact that the shoe, as it were, was simply on the other foot again. I actually conducted a survey to confirm my suspicions, and it went like this: I will walk in the street for fifteen minutes, and count the number of disparaging remarks about foreigners that are made in my presence. The result? 212 offensive xenophobic comments.

But then it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn’t being fair. Quite possibly there was another, non-humour related explanation… And, as it turned out, there was:

It’s Spring.

Yes folks, that’s right. Spring is upon us, and the People of China are once again finding that their sap is rising, so to speak. It’s only natural, therefore, for them to exhibit a certain exuberance in their dealings with the barbarian outsiders who have dared to tread upon the hallowed soil of ZhongGuo. Spring has come, and with it all manner of changes are in evidence right across the length and breadth of this magnificent country. Oh Spring, harbinger of new life, the People salute you!

Top Ten Signs That Spring Has Sprung:

1. The small, grey, cancerous-looking growths on the branches of the trees are in fact buds, from which will soon burst forth beautiful grey leaves. The wondrous cycle of Nature has begun anew.

2. Puppies and other cute baby animals are now being sold out of cardboard boxes on footpaths everywhere. That’s right: cat is off the menu, but look what’s on again!

3. People have begun dusting off their Jiang Zemin suits and Mao Zedong jackets, in preparation for the coming summer. Clotheslines everywhere are straining under the weight of them all.

4. The number of knee-length boots in evidence has begun to fall. On the other hand, sales of Kleenex and Wonderbra (the breast enlargement technologies of choice amongst the urban chic) have begun to increase again.

5. Housewives are now giving their homes a spring cleaning. This is done by boiling vinegar in every room for several hours, and leaves every home smelling wonderfully refreshing. And don’t worry if you haven’t any vinegar – the aroma penetrates even concrete walls, so that you too can share in your neighbour’s cleanliness.

6. The annual transition from pickled rotting cabbage to boiled rotting cabbage with pickles has begun.

7. Now that the weather is warmer and there is less need for antifreeze, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and in fact all public transportation workers everywhere are waiting until after breakfast to get drunk on Baijiu.

8. With some forty percent of the population having lost their money gambling over Chinese New Year, the usual number of beggars, police officers, and other members of the thieving classes are back to work with a vengeance (the remaining sixty percent never stopped thieving in the first place).

9. With the warmer temperatures comes a need to close windows and prevent air from circulating.

10. The higher temperatures also bring with them that familiar aroma of rotting faecal matter in the streets, all but forgotten since the beginning of Winter. As an added bonus, it’s now warm enough for people to move their toilet activities outdoors.

Spring! When Indoor Activities Move Outdoors!

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42 Responses to “Spring Into Spring!”

  1. Meursault said

    In what much surely be an act of Spring madness, The Times has allowed “Flew Man Shoe” AKA Grandpa Wen to write out his empty propaganda words on the pages of a British newspaper:

    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article5663142.ece

    Interestingly, comments seem to have been disabled for this worthy work of prose.

    I love how the lying cunt writes in the first paragraph: “The argument that a big power is bound to seek hegemony does not apply to China. China’s development harms no one and threatens no one” and then concludes with “You will get to know the true China”. Well, Grandpa Wen, at least you speak half the truth, you shit-faced fucking murdering twat.

  2. MyLaowai said

    “…a peace-loving country, a country that is eager to learn from and cooperate with others.”

    There’s a word for that. Hmmm… Oh yes, it’s “Bullshit”.

    Or possibly “Ahahahahahahahahah!”

    Well now Butcher Wen, some of us apparently already know the true China, and we don’t like what we see. Now fuck off and torture a Tibetan or something. You’re obviously better at that than you are at writing English.

  3. C.A. Yeung said

    It’s just another piece of crap generated by a pirated copy of the Ivan Borisovich Yeltsin javascript. Shame on the Times for publishing it.

    I know I shouldn’t expect much from the likes of Butcher Wen. But I admit I did crack up after reading this line. I hereby quote and annotate (annotation in brackets):

    The key element of China’s reform and opening-up is to free people’s mind, (that’s why Hu Jia is where he is right now, and the guys and girls at Bullog International have all learned how to climb the Great Wall) the most fundamental and significant component is institutional innovation, (that’s why computer hackers are mostly state sponsored and entrepreneurs can build a business empire pirating DVDs and computer software) and its core value is to put people first (the parents of the poison milk victims can attest to that).

    Peew! That stings. I need to open the window for some fresh air.

  4. s said

    Just the other day on busy HuaiHai Lu, I walked past a 300 pound white guerrilla holding a placard saying “Wo Shi Lao Wai, Wo Pa Shui” .

    I said, ” Chao, yet another annoying Bai Gui, what the fuck is his problem now”.

    15 minutes later, he was gone.

    Was that you Mr Mylaowai?

    Did you counted me in your record of 212 ?

  5. MyLaowai said

    Liulichang Cultural Street, not HuaiHai Lu. But I’m sure the result would have been the same no matter where in China the survey had taken place.

    Incidentally, how is it the Police allow guerilla’s to freely roam the streets of China? Anti-Government forces have been banned ever since the last armed gang seized power from the legally elected Government back in 1949.

  6. s said

    beats me Mr Mylaowai.

    May be the guerrilla was in a gorilla suit or was it a gorilla in guerrilla style disguise?

    Whatever it was, you did rub people up the wrong way.

    Suggest you try a koala suit next time.
    http://www.friendsofthekoala.org/fok/koala_suit

  7. MyLaowai said

    “Whatever it was, you did rub people up the wrong way.”

    Not as much as I’d have liked to, Stoogie my lad.

    Anyway, given how easy it is to upset Chinese people (being non-Han will do it every time, as will speaking the truth about anything at all), I’m surprised the number wasn’t higher.

    Now get back to work, peasant, or I’ll have you subjected to water dripping on you.

  8. s said

    touchy … look who is been upset now.

    My suggestion of koala suit was all well intended. You also need a red bucket so the poor charitable peasants can hand you a kuai each. You can take the money back home to your compatriots to help them fend off the evils of capitalism.

    If you have a sign saying “kick me”, the poor peasant may actually offer you 10 kuai just for sack of it.

    As for water dripping and your threat to torture… what can I say? I had exposed you as a poof, you like to wear a gorilla suit in public so you can subject yourself to abuse …

    Mr Mylaowai, do you wear pig masks as well ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtHEZpA9g2A&NR=1

  9. justrecently said

    You are a good faithful man, stoogie. A poor peasant who offers ten kuai for cheap amusement instead of using all his means for food, clothing and shelter must really be reasonably well off. Yes, the nation is already benefitting from Our stimulus package. Thanks for your trust in our wise macro-economical leadership.
    Your Grandpa Wen.

  10. Neddy said

    EXTRA! EXTRA! EXTRA! Breaking news!
    Stoogie caught on camera while commenting on MyLaowai’s blog:

    humping dog usb

    (H/t & and all credit to ISpyShanghai)

  11. justrecently said

    That laptop is finished. Let’s hope that S can replace it. I’d miss his comments.

  12. s said

    JR,

    the ferocity and speed in which you suck up to Mr Mylaowai never cease to amaze.

    Mr Mylaowai is fully capable of telling us whether he wears a pig mask.

    Which comes to a question for you, has Mr Mylaowai ever offered you his infamous Martini? There are rumours that there is a long time yankee expat in SH inviting unsuspecting white expats to his place and offered them colourful drinks for which purpose one can only imagine….

    Are you actually a willing victim ?

  13. s said

    … unsuspecting white male expats ….

  14. justrecently said

    Take it easy, S. I’m just a reader who likes this blog and comes back regularly. Just as you do. No need to get touchy.

  15. justrecently said

    P.S.: Congratulations on your new laptop.

  16. MyLaowai said

    Philistine! A dry martini has no colour – what kind of butcher are you?

    BTW JR, next time you’re passing by, stop in for a martini, yes?

    One martini,
    Two martini,
    Three martini,
    Floor…

  17. Neddy said

    Or as in that T-shirt message I have seen the other day:

    I don’t have a drinking problem
    I drink
    I get drunk
    I fall under the table
    No problem…

  18. justrecently said

    I sure will. Here’s a drinking song for your inspiration folks.

  19. s said

    A dry martini has no colour until you spiked it.

    You are just one dodgy poof in a gorilla suit … see, you don’t even have to try hard because there are ample willing victims like JR.

  20. justrecently said

    S is trying too hard. That’s what makes him boring at the moment. I’m sure he’ll do better again soon.

  21. MyLaowai said

    Perhaps he could try wit, irony, or satire?

  22. s said

    yeah … one has to try extra hard to beat a German on being a bore.

    next time would you feed Mr JR some wit-juice as well ?

    in the meantime, more sour kraut for Mr JR …

  23. Neddy said

    S, Either you are a dimwit, or you are in denial: The bore here, on this little stage, is you, and no one else So go away, and practice your wit some more. You need to do better if you want to amuse us; we have standards, and a reputation to think of, you know!

    And if you can’t cut it, well… I’ll tell you what: Take a VERY long jump.

    BTW, you are an ignoramus, too. It’s called “sauerkraut”, but it’s not German. It’s European, where it was invented 5001 years ago in the BR (Before Refrigerator) era. It helps to digest all that delicious fat pork, and it’s a whole lot tastier than the rotten pickled cabbage I found in China.

    Go back to school, you boor.

  24. justrecently said

    Ned, the way you are disregarding stoogie’s honest feelings is cold-hearted, mean, and totally and utterly wrong. You can’t deny that he’s doing his best. And demanding “wit, irony and satire” from the poor bloke is mean, too, Mylaowai. That’s like asking Shrek to play Hornpipe on a springroll.
    Get a bit more realistic and compassionate, will you.

  25. TaiTai said

    The important point here is that you nicked number 6 from me without giving any credit. My agent will be in touch regarding royalty payments.

    For the record, I have personally sampled Mylaowai’s martinis, and I can atest that it was a most stimulating experience.

  26. s said

    good one … this is what you get when you cross a dumb arse with Wikipedia — Neddy the smart arse.

    May be the ever erudite Mr Mylaowai should enlighten the intellect from the arse end of the world.

  27. s said

    re 25

    My sincere apologies, that was unintentional.

    Amazing to see so many people coming out … what will this post lead to ….

    For the record, I have nothing personal against willing or unwilling victims of Mr Mylaowai’s indiscretions. I will leave the moral judgement to people who really cares.

  28. Neddy said

    S.
    Oh my, you do have a fixation about arseholes, don’t you? Or is it a hankering? I suggest you visit your favourite gay bar.

    As for your wit (if I may abuse the word), it is doing what I thought was impossible: Getting worse. But I understand. And as I see you are so desperate for anyone’s attention, I advise you go take your medications first, then try again.

    And “what will this post lead to …”? I’ll tell you where it will lead: Somebody will do the decent thing, and flush you down like a turd you are. Just to put you out of your misery, dipshit!

  29. justrecently said

    I’m not really sure what you are reading into this thread, stoogie. But what I can say is that for someone who doesn’t really care, you are spending a lot of time here. And I hope you’ll keep at it, so that we can see what your comments will lead to.

  30. MyLaowai said

    I wish to state for the record that item number six originated deep in the dark mind of TaiTai.

    Cheers mate! Or, given the direction things seem to be taking in recent comments, perhaps I should say ‘bottoms up’?

  31. s said

    So much huffing and puffing from the back orifice of the dumb arse … take a chill pill or admit yourself to an anger management clinic.

    JR, what are you suggesting, spending time here imply one should place moral judgements on Mr Mylaiwai’s not-so-secret hobbies?

    ok .. time for more sour krauts ( or sauerkraut as one smart intellect insisted) to help you digest all that delicious Eisbein

  32. justrecently said

    It is you who started it, S. I suggest that you come out yourself either as a decent homophobe or as a decent man who doesn’t care about other peoples’ sex habits. But your huffing and puffing comes across as immature, bigoted, weak-spirited, and wannabe-judgmental. Why do Martinis spell sex and victimization for you? Are you sure it would be wise to share that online? If not, allusions are a bad policy.
    Re-read your comments 12 and 13, listen to your authorities, and grow up.
    Your Grandpa Wen.

  33. s said

    “immature, bigoted, weak-spirited, and wannabe-judgmental” … isn’t this what Mr Mylaowai and his cronies all about ?

    So you can’t take it as well as you give?

    Oh my …cry baby.

    PS. I suggest you take a leaf out of Mylaowai’s book, he is miles ahead of you and the huffing and puffing intellect from downunder … actually, on second thought, may be he is gettig his lap dogs to do all the barking .. still that is very smart of him

  34. My arse said

    This is fantastic. I havent had this much fun in weeks. Keep it up.

  35. justrecently said

    Oh, stoogie, that’s not good enough!

  36. s said

    JR my son, it’s Uncle Adolf again. It is bloody stinking hot down here, but what the hack. Looking at it positively , it is like one fcken endless summer holiday, and I’m like sun bathing in a beach without Sun, water or shade.

    I heard you got a bit upset lately because someone called you a kraut. Next time they do that, you should tell them this :
    “you are such an ignoramus. It’s called “sauerkraut”, but it’s not German. It’s European, where it was invented 5001 years ago in the BR (Before Refrigerator) era. It helps to digest all that delicious Eisbein, and it’s a whole lot tastier than the rotten pickled cabbage rotten Uncle Adolf is having in his endless fcken summer holiday. ”

    If this still doesn’t cut with them. Think of this my boy, we slaughered millions not so long ago,it will take a lot of name calling for them to even up with us.

    My spirit is always with you and I know you lot always have me in your hearts.

    Yours loving and caring

    Uncle Adolf

  37. MyLaowai said

    Interesting China Fact #243:

    Mao Zedong murdered more people than Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin combined.

    I just though you’d all like to know…

  38. justrecently said

    That’s much better, stoogie! I’m sure you’ll learn very fast. Awaiting your further comments:
    Uncle Wen

  39. s said

    guess if you want to be bad, you want to be the badest… no half arse shit like Gorge W. Bush, Anthony C. L. Blair, John W. Howard. … and they are still in denial .. bloody losers !!!

    JR my son, hope i didn’t put you off your krauts and delicious Eisbein, that taste shit loads better than any of the crap the yanks have to offer.
    Having said that, Your performance of late has been nothing but atrocious.
    you need to lift your game as the official side-kick of Mr Mylaowai.
    You got the potentials, you got the hope, Come on !!!

  40. justrecently said

    blah, blah… that again was disappointing, stoogie. You used to do better.

  41. S said

    JR my son, you have smarten up .. not taking the bait anymore..

    no more fun … ade …

    PS. you should thank Uncle Adolf for the good spanking that brighten you up.

  42. justrecently said

    Shock! Stoogie is no longer here. Not until he’s back under a new alias to learn more, anyway.
    You better make sure that your blog won’t run out of trolls, Mylaowai.

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