Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Introducing Captain Rad Rundown

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, February 1, 2010

Good morning, all you festering pieces of toxic waste who call yourselves Chinese drivers! Brief introduction: Captain Rad Rundown here, and I drive. And I LIKE to drive! I’ve been driving for over 5000 years, back when China first invented cars.

Well, Cap’n Rad had the wondrous misfortune this morning to have to do some banking. Bright and early, the piece of shit mobile phone’s alarm goes off at 7am. By 7:05 I was in the driver’s seat, blasting some old classic The The. That’s right, Chinese girls. Cap’n Rad did NOT brush his teeth before leaving the homestead.

I pulled out of the parking lot by 7:06 and by 7:30, I was on my way to the bank.

Funny thing, this driving in China is. In a civilized country, like the one I come from, we know how to spell “color” and “flavor” and “humor” [Note from editor: in even more civilised countries, we know how to spell “colour“, “flavour” and “humour“]. That last one is something I’m severely lacking this morning due to this universally known conundrum called, “The Red Light.”

I say universally, but I’m not entirely sure about that. As I came to this red light, I did what most people would do. I stopped.

Big mistake.

Next thing I know, there’s about 5 or 6 cars behind me flashing their lights and honking their horns. I thought to myself, “Self, what the fuck are they on about?”

Honk honk, flash flash…

MOVE!

Honk honk, flash flash…

Go! It’s red!

Honk honk, flash flash…

You don’t know China, stupid laowai!

Again, I think, what the fuck are you people on about?! This is one of the things that pisses me off about this country. Seriously!

People bitch about traffic in this city. But really, it wouldn’t be half as bad if these fucktards learned a moment… just a moment… of patience.

When the light starts flashing yellow, don’t speed up to make sure you’re blocking the other lanes when they get a green light, you stupid fucking tosser! It’s not your fucking turn anymore. Just wait!!! You are NOT that important in the grand scheme!

Anyways… I’m sitting there in my car, now blasting a bit of L7. I’m in this 90’s kick. The light turns green, so guess what I do. Take a wild guess at my next action.

.

.

.

.

WRONG!

I did NOT go. I couldn’t because there was still a stream of… what I consider the lowest, most fucktarded, idiotic bottom feeders out there… scooter drivers.

Let’s back up for a moment and look at it from the scooter guy’s point of view. What’s their mentality right now?

dum de dum de dum…
morning? mmmmmmMMMM?
Bit cloudy this morning.
mmmmmmmmmmmm.
nice ass. give me blowjob? hehe!
red light.
mmmmmmmmmmmm.
red light. car there.
mmmmmmmmmmmm.
honking at me?
flashing lights at me?
coming straight at me?
.
.
.
mmmmmmmmmmmm.
want to touch her ass.

Okay. I’ll be honest. I really don’t know what the fuck goes through their pea-sized brains. But I do know they’re not too concerned about that red light and the fact that there’s oncoming traffic. This much I do know because of all the scooters I’ve seen splashed all over the road decorated in red “paint” as they’re greeting the side of that minivan that did actually have the green light. Mmmmmmmm indeed!

Fucking seriously though. Straighten your shit out. Don’t be so fucking selfish on the road. China is doing such a great job protecting us from Twitter and Facebook. How about protecting us from your own people? Kool-ade comes to mind.

When I come to a green light, I DON’T slow down. In most civilized countries [Note: and even in parts of Australia!], you usually don’t have to. If I hit you, when you slowly step off your scooter and slowly crouch down onto the road and start screaming in that pathetic fake agony, I WILL put a size 12 boot to your head to help you be more convincing. This is China. Happy everyday! Hehe!

– Capt. Rad Rundown

Advertisements

7 Responses to “Introducing Captain Rad Rundown”

  1. Yokie Kuma said

    Chinese drivers suck. Period.

    You are soooo correct. Lack of patience. And in-considerate.

    Need to fly in 1000 or so L.A. drivers, stick them in blue-panel trucks, arm them with some baseball bats, and turn them loose in major cities here …..

    Or, ask the police to start doing their job and writing tickets! Hah!

  2. MyLaowai said

    Why assume that these people drive any differently from how they walk? Or indeed how they live their entire lives?

  3. LoveChinaLongTime said

    And therein lies the main problem: it’s not so much the drivers suck that much, but rather the sleep headed lao bai tard that wanders onto an 8 lane major avenue, hands in pocket, shuffling along without a care in the world…

  4. Slap2tickle said

    I must admit, I’m one of the bottom feeder scooter drivers, but I draw the line when I see a 17T tipper truck overladen with rock and dirt in the name of economic improvement rattling down the road at 50mph and jumping a red light, but Mr Wang, Yang or Zhang with his wife and kid doesn’t care, they can make it, so they think.

  5. Cap't Rad said

    Don’t go to the darkside, s2k. Don’t! I myself wouldn’t mind having a scooter to get around sometimes. But as you, though I don’t have first hand knowledge, I don’t think I’d come out of a head-on collision with a 17T with just a few scratches.

  6. Slap2tickle said

    Don’t worry, the scooter is up for sale, it’s worth more as cash in the hand than a twisted heap of metal on the top of my dead lifeless body!

  7. Cap't Rad said

    If it’s not a Skoda or a Citroen, then I guess you’re right. Crush a Skoda and it’s doubled in price.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: