Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Sootilocks and the 1 Child Family

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Guest Post
A Classic Fairytale with Harmonious Chinese Characteristics.

by DaBizzare

Once upon a time, about 10 days ago, lived a little girl called Sootilocks. She was a very good little girl and did her homework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Every 3 years her school would give her a day off, and this year she decided she would be the filial granddaughter and visit her grandma. On the way, she got lost, and being tired and hungry, she went into a nearby apartment. There was no-one home, but there was some delicious food on the table: excrement-stuffed cardboard buns called baozi, and to her, they were delicious.

There were three plates. She tried the first one, it was too hot. She tried the second one, it was too cold. She tried the third one, it tasted like crap, but she ate all three anyway because she was a filial confuscian.

Her legs were tired, so she wanted to sit down, and she saw three chairs. The first one was too big. The second one was too small. The third one had nails sticking into her bottom, but she hardly noticed as she was used to the local quality standards.

Then she wanted to have a sleep, so she went looking for beds. The first one was too hard. The second one was even harder. The third one was even harder again, but she went to sleep like a good little girl because that was what was always expected of her, and she was, if nothing else, the filial student.

While she was asleep, the occupants of the 60 square meter apartment returned: Daddy Monkey, Mommy Monkey and Baby Monkey. Daddy Monkey said “Someone has been eaten my baozi and spat on the table.” Mommy Monkey said “Someone was eaten my baozi, and sneezed on the table.” Baby Monkey said “Someone ated my baozi, and they ated it all up.” Grammar was not a strong point in this household.

Then Daddy saw his chair. “Someone has been sat in my chair.”. Mommy said “Someone was sat in my chair.” Baby said “Someone was satted in my chair, and blooded all over it!”

Then the three monkeys went to go to bed. “Someone has been slept in my bed” said Daddy Monkey. “Someone sleepered in my bed too” said Mommy Monkey. “Someone slepted in my bed, AND THEY ARE YET THERE!!!” cried Baby Monkey.

The three Monkeys cooked Sootilocks and made delicious baozi from her that they sold to their neighbours for many weeks.


30 Responses to “Sootilocks and the 1 Child Family”

  1. Nipsaregreat said

    Dear Mr. Mylaowai and Friends,

    I hardly visit this site anymore.

    It’s not that I’ve grown disinterested in it. It’s just that I’ve moved out of Commiechinkistan. Yes, now I’m living among civilized people in the country which I was born. I know you’ll be happy for me.

    Well… I just wanted to write that I really enjoyed DaBizzare’s little fairytale.

    • MyLaowai said

      Congratulations mate, you made it!

      And yes, I think DaBizzare has finally found his niche.

    • penguincadi said

      Congrats. Be careful not get fucked by your politicians.

      • MyLaowai said

        Okay, so, yes, it’s painfully clear that you are Chinese. And you must obviously be getting paid too much for whatever job you are doing, because the amount of time you have to post gibberish here indicates that you are not doing your job at all.

        I fire ten people like you every week. And sometimes also I fire people just because they are Chinese and I can, but that’s another story.

        Anyway, retardedgenes, have fun. Get your angst on. And meanwhile Japan will continue to be a better place with better people, and own better islands. So screw you.

  2. penguincadi said


    你牛哥急吧啊?有能耐别再在中国啊 fire?what a big deal! you will get fired by the China market, if you poke your face through your and identify with whoever you are. 我当然是中国人,咋的?我有很多时间,我隔段时间就来骂你。i will make it a point of online life. ok?


  3. penguincadi said


    另外,我真搞不懂你为啥这么喜欢japs。你作为高加索的白人,不管你是澳大利亚的还是北美的还是大英帝国的人,你的先辈被日本在战俘营做人体试验,虐待。你忘了吗?你的历史老师是教体育的吗?Japan’s camps fsor slaughtering whites http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Japanese-run_internment_camps_during_World_War_II the pics: https://www.google.com.hk/search?safe=strict&es_sm=122&q=%E6%97%A5%E6%9C%AC%E6%88%98%E4%BF%98%E8%90%A5%20%E7%BE%8E%E5%9B%BD%E6%88%98%E4%BF%98&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=zh-CN&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=YECDU5TUN4vg8AWj4IDoBw

  4. penguincadi said

    One day, you will perhaps be treated this way by your loved Japs: http://www.google.com.hk/imgres?imgurl=http://img3.ph.126.net/DYTEgjeWZOw_4F40e2mA0Q%253D%253D/2786039319499231843.jpg&imgrefurl=http://lxc66188.blog.163.com/blog/static/9176498620116402222324/&h=343&w=500&tbnid=3RjG_qI4SPrwJM:&zoom=1&docid=dHG-eMFqx73N3M&hl=zh-CN&ei=fkCDU-PvAs7h8AWmrIDYBg&tbm=isch Their emperor is still there.

  5. penguincadi said

    For your information, Japan is no longer as better as you seem to think. It has long lost its undue appeal to us here in China. Next time try using some bigger example to make me feel cheap.

  6. penguincadi said

    关于开人那段,你也就是吹吹牛逼。你敢开人,员工就敢告你信不信?让你赔钱你信不信?你给的点jb钱,人家乐意给你干吗?as an ungrateful biz guy to the host country, you do not deserve the best employees. 怪不得你的东西总是被偷,你丫的活该。

  7. penguincadi said


    你会读中文吗,lingual lightweight?Yes, I was patronizing you, linguistically.

  8. penguincadi said


    One more question for today: do your employees or business associates read your blog?

    • MyLaowai said

      My business associates, and overseas customers – most of them do read this blog. I make a point of showing it to them before they visit my factories here, so that they will have some idea of what China is like before they arrive. I am very proud of my honesty and openness. I am also very proud of the fact that I have discouraged investment in this cuntry to the tune of several tens of millions of dollars.

      My employees – who the hell cares? Being Chinaren, they probably can’t read anyway, and they certainly will have had their sense of humour surgically removed at birth, so what would be the point of them reading a muti-award-winning blog such as this one? I don’t even permit them to bring newspapres to work, because they are filled with foul communist propaganda. I certainly won’t let them read blogs during work hours. I pay them them to sweat, damnit.

      As for you, sparky, go back and do some work yourself. Those shirts won’t sew themselves. Or whatever it is you are being overpaid to do.

      Message for the Day: “Manilla – Keeping the West Philippine Sea Pig Free”

      • penguincadi said

        Don’t worry about my work. I’ve got plenty of time to do it. And I don’t sew shirts though I’m now sewing ungrateful pigs like you a shirt of shame. Your factories. It’s easy to see that you are having a hard time finding the right employees who don’t cheat you and steal from you. That is easily explained away with your ungratefulness to the host country and the people working for you. Perhaps you will have to move your factories (you make shirts? Clearly, you are just an owner of sweat shops and the Chinese you deal with clearly show this) westward to Xinjiang for example to get bombed up by Uighur martyrs or southward to Vietnam to get robbed or set fired on by Vietnamese monkeys. We do not want or need your investment or that of the aspiring low-tech plant owners you’ve dissuaded. They can of course choose instead ASEAN countries or INDIAN states though they will have import all the raw materials and processed parts from China and will find nowhere else to sell their products, whatever they produce. All in all, you can be even prouder if you persuade yourself to quit China and its markets and its products and move to Southeast or South Asia or even Africa. Why not? You deserve them better.

        Ah, the Philippines! The country which even cannot elect a President who at least is not a joke? His government recently kowtowed to the Hong Kong Government and apologized for his Manila’s not trained police officers who botched up rescue efforts so much publicized. This American-style Democracy is stunning in the sense that they get nothing done at all. Together with VN, two joke countries. You deserve them. Go there.

      • penguincadi said

        As for your sense of humor, I don’t understand it at all and can in no way find it “humorous” or sophisticated in the slightest. This goes also for the morons who awarded you prizes for hate blogging.

        But I hope you can at least understand mine since your gray matter is so simply and unsatisfactorily made, for which mine is designed.

      • penguincadi said

        By the way, who’s Alan Smithee?

      • penguincadi said

        Sorry I’ve been so sparky.

        As for the Filipinos again, I hope Manila can keep its people free of the lousy government which never tries to do things and does not botch them up.

  9. penguincadi said

    D(ea)r. S(tupid). MyLaowai,

    You seem to choose to keep silent.

    And you’ve seemed to still believe that China is a shirt-sewing country. You are quite mistaken there. The country you imagined is actually somewhere else. FYI, the oil rig 981 China placed near VN is worth USD 1 billion and is designed, created and manufactured at and by a Chinese company located in Shanghai – 上海外高桥造船厂.

    China has been the world’s largest manufacturer for quite a few years. And there is reasons for this, here is a list of some of the world’s best companies:


    What does your country have? Is it Great Britain, America or India?

    • MyLaowai said

      Here’s a quick fact for you: Not one of the world’s best companies has a Chinese name. Not one.

      Shanghai Waigaoqiao Shipyard? Harbin Electric? Shenyang Machine Tool? I don’t know what you’ve been smoking son, but you have definitely earned your wu mao today.

      Now go and shine my fucking shoes.

  10. penguincadi said

    Son, I know what you’re smoking. China’s fart. Definitely.

    The companies I’ve listed are the backbone of China’s industry and manufacturing.

    You did not answer my other question. Is it Great Britain, America or India? Is it blessed with the like companies?

    • MyLaowai said

      Exactly. China’s backbone. I’ve seen squid’s with more backbone than a Chinaren.

      Here’s a better use for your so-called ‘people’:https://mylaowai.com/2009/02/12/myo-jamboy/

      • penguincadi said

        Again, Is it Great Britain, America or India?

      • penguincadi said

        It seems that you’re clearly British. It this right?

      • penguincadi said

        Why do you keep silent about your nationality, guy? Is it something you are too ashamed of or too proud of?

      • MyLaowai said

        The place which issued my passport is of no concern to a grubby squat-toileter like yourself. But here’s a clue: it isn’t a shithole like China. Otherwise I would have to kill myself with a spoon out of self-loathing.

      • penguincadi said

        Of course, it is of great concern. If you let me know(, precisely, not trash talk about which issued your passport; I know that some of you change passports like changing sluts or hold two passports and give shared allegiance) what country you are from, I can give you a better dose of medicine to cure your shit mind.

        Again, Is it Great Britain, America or India?

      • penguincadi said

        Give me your country’s name and see if you can make me feel cheap. Go on.

      • penguincadi said

        Perhaps you are a Jap?

      • penguincadi said

        So the silence continues.

        While the country that issues your passport is truly great, for example, Britain, America, Canada, and Australia, the country you actually grew up or are from is a shithole. That’s why you like to liken places to such holes. There are places and places, and people and people in China. But you mysteriously happen to be in shitholes and have to deal with the mean people, your likes. You deserve them. And that’s why you think your origins are stigma and you’d rather not reveal them.

        You should be no more than an owner of one or several sweatshops, someone who have worked to moderately rich to the rags. I see this because you say your workers even cannot read English and this means they are lowly, menial, uneducated and unskilled workers, perhaps from the remotest frontier regions in China or even illegal immigrants from Vietnam or Cambodia or Africa. Any decent job holders in China can read English. Everyone learn English in school.

        So again, which shithole are you from?

  11. penguincadi said

    Perhaps your country is a tiny but prosperous one, for example, Singapore, Ireland or Norway?

  12. American Jimbo said

    Chinaren – from 拆那人 (smash/demolish/breakup that guy) perhaps?

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