Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Posts Tagged ‘China’

The Hong Kong Free Press

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 31, 2015

A lovely article from the Hong Kong Free Press:


Well done, Richard Scotford. You have earned the respect of this humble bloggist.

Posted in China | Tagged: , , , | 13 Comments »

The Final Countdown

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 13, 2015

From the Vault
Sinocidal Banner
The Final Countdown
By ChouChou

The Scene: The underground overground Wombling free base of an evil megalomaniac bent on world domination; complete with men in shiny suits driving golf buggies and sharks fitted with laser beam helmets. Our hero, James Surname, knocks out an underling (with scant regard for the consequences or the guard’s medical insurance package) and strides nonchalantly into the control room.

Cunty McBreasts: James! I thought you would never make it!

James: Traffic was bad.

Dr. Stereotype: So, Mr. Surname, you made it past my ingenious labyrinth of pitfalls and traps. Most impressive. But tell me, how did you know the password to the secret door in the Burmese bath house?

James: Let’s just say… the news just fell into my lap.

Dr. Stereotype: What do you mean?

James: I mean I had penetrative sex with one of your female employees and she told me the password. Duuuhhh… don’t you know anything? Are you new to this, or what?

Dr. Stereotype: As you can see from the fact that I have dyed my pubic hair white in order to have collar and cuffs match with the white pussy resting on my knee, you can see that I am not. Now! Tell me the Pentagon’s secret missile plans!

James: Do you expect me to talk?

Dr. Stereotype: No, Mr. Surname, I expect you to shave my head bald and paint it blue for only $9.95. Of course I do; especially when you see this! (Dr. Stereotype pulls his chair back to reveal…)

Dr. Stereotype: A ticking clock! Ahahahahaha!

James: ONOZ!!! TOTALLY PWNED!!!!!! :-( LOL!!!!!

Sometimes, living in China is a bit like living in a bad James Bond film. Not because all the bad guys are Communists, but because one’s life is always overshadowed by a ticking clock.

In every Chinese city and in every Chinese town, there will always be a ticking clock counting down to something or other. Normally these ticking clocks are placed on large podiums in the main square, so that everybody can gather round in unity and wait for the glorious day to arrive. Both intimate and awe-inspiring. A bit like sex with a monarch.

It doesn’t matter how many times the clock reaches its goal; there will always be another insignificant event to count down to next, touching the inner child within us all (but not in that way). In the last ten years, the countdown clock in Hangzhou’s Wulin Square has counted down to the following events with no pause at all:
The Glorious Return of Hong Kong to the Motherland.
The Glorious Return of Macao to the Motherland.
The Glorious Millennium.
The Glorious Result of Beijing’s 2008 Olympic Bid.
The Glorious Date of China’s Entry into the WTO.
The Glorious Exit of the Mitchell Brothers from BBC’s Eastenders.
The Glorious 2006 Hangzhou Leisure Expo.
The Glorious 2007 Women’s World Cup in Hangzhou.
The Glorious Fucking Olympics.

And it will never end. After the Olympics it will be the Special Olympics. After the Special Olympics it will be the 2010 Shanghai International Expo. Then the 18th Party Congress, then the reclamation of Taiwan, then the invention of Salt and Vinegar cars… On and on it will go forever and ever like a fucking rerun of all eleven seasons of MASH. The people of China will always be forced to look forward to something, and never ever be given a moment’s rest.

Thus, Sinocidal wishes to present to the people of China a very special gift. Enjoy it lads, because you will never see this ever again. Here we go…


Now go out and live your lives already.
(There are 2 days remaining until the next Sinocidal post)

Posted in Guest Post | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Merry Christmas. Again.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Right, so it’s Christmas time back in the civilised world. Lucky you. I imagine you are enjoying being with people who don’t want to steal everything you own and then expel you. Or who don’t look at your pets with recipes in mind. You may even have received gifts, or have given them away yourselves. I can only imagine how nice that must be. What’s the weather like there? Winter or summer, I bet you can at least see the far side of the street without the smog getting in the way, right? Of course, it’s not easy for everyone at Christmas time – many families will have people in the armed forces away, for example. But look on the bright side: at least they are not about to go to war with Japan / the Philippines / Taiwan / Vietnam / India / Malaysia / Australia / the United States.

In China of course, everything is wonderful. The glorious Party and the magnificent and ancient Culture of mighty China lend, as always, a certain special majesty to anything and everything, and nothing is more improved by exposure to Chinese culture than poorly Western rituals that are a mere shadow of truly important Chinese festivals. Like, um, the one about eating dumplings. Or the other one about eating other dumplings for a different reason. Oh yeah, We All Love China. There’s a special word for how much we all love China, and that word is ‘Bollocks’ [note to censors: ‘Bollocks’ means ‘masculine’, sort of].

I wish I was in Taiwan.

Merry Christmas from all of us here at MLHQ. You, our readers, we do love. We’ll try to spend more time with you all next year.

Xmas Girls

Posted in Festivals et al | Tagged: , | 11 Comments »

Ching Ching, Qingdao

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guest Post
Got a gas problem? Too many pickled eggs maybe?

One of the most dangerous places on the face of the planet has to be Qingdao, or Tsingdao, depending on which epoch you choose to come from. [Ed: It’s Tsingdao, unless you come from Peking]

Most expats in China would probably recognize the latter, not the former, due to their daily consumption of the watered-down rats-piss exported from the German settlement that passes as beer everywhere else.

For all you others: the place where the Olympic sailing races were held.

Yeah – the algae bloom landing zone.

Before this week, it was dangerous enough. China’s nuclear submarine base is but a few Km north under the mountain that drove many Chinese emperors to send their subjects to Korea in search of the mystic floating islands that can be viewed from Penglai pavilion (Mirage).

Oh yes, that place. The one that had the massive oil slick from Chinese-quality offshore oil drilling. Mmmm. One of the most unhealthiest beaches in the world. No golden sand. No waves. Plenty of pollution. But really good beer.

Whoa. Hang on. Can we derive a causative effect here? Qingdao is an ongoing cluster-fuck, and also has (locally only) some of the best beer in China.

Yes, this week, an oil pipeline blew up. Where? Under a main road. WHAT THE FUCK? Which country in their right mind places a major oil pipeline from the drilling site to the refinery UNDER A MAIN ROAD? Let alone the residences, businesses etc it also passes under.

China. land of the long yellow shortcut.

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Environment, Guest Post, Newsflash, Propaganda | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

China Dolls

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Brace yourselves, because this doesn’t happen often. I am about to defend something in China.

In recent days, a Chinese seller of Chinese sex dolls in China has been persecuted by some angst-ridden fucktards whose parents obviously never taught them to mind their own fucking business, and those dolls are no longer for sale.

The hate-mongering wanksocks who orchestrated the anti-free market and anti-consumer choice campaign against this purveyor of marital aids were, of course, American. From New Jersey, no less. Fuck, I can feel the bile rising in my throat already. The founder of the anti-freedom organisation responsible, one Kelly Master, is someone I have fortunately never had the misfortune to meet, and I’ve been bruising my knees praying to a fictitious God that I never do. That said, she is no doubt the kind of dried-up minge who thinks Emily Brontë is far too racy for young girls to be exposed to. She no doubt firmly supports a complete ban on the eating of bananas, on account of how sexually suggestive that can be. She obviously has cobwebs in her cooch, too.

I mean, seriously? It’s a sex doll. It’s not like it’s going to run about the world telling everyone else how they should live and drop bombs on some poor fucking village from a Predator drone, or force people into ‘stress positions’ until they confess to believing in the wrong imaginary God or whatever. It’s. Just. A. Sex. Doll. Get a fucking life already Kelly. It’s less real than my right hand. It’s the same real as a coffee cup. A coffee cup doesn’t make most folks turn to pedophilia, not even the ones filled with Starbucks coffee.

Here’s what the doll looks like:

As you can observe, it has the same expression that every middle-aged Chinese woman has. It has the same body shape too. Same hairstyle, same lifeless eyes, same fashion sense. Obviously, it is a recreation in plastic and latex of a middle-aged Chinese woman.

I haven’t the faintest fucking idea why anyone would want to buy one of these things. It’ll be no better to have sex with than any other Chinese woman, though to be fair it is unlikely to be any worse, either. But thanks to you, Kelly Master, you moistureless, wizened skank, thanks to you I am going to buy one of these dolls. I am going to install it permanently in the passenger seat of the Aston. And I shall put up a little sign next to it, that reads:

“At Least This Bitch Knows How To Mind Her Own Fucking Business”.

Have a nice day folks. I’ve got people to fire.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Relax. Take A Deep Breath.

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 11, 2008

According to SEPA, the State Environmental Protection Administration, Shanghai has today an Air Pollution Index (API) of 119, which makes it a “Grade 3A” day. That’s according to SEPA, of course. I wouldn’t want to bet on it being entirely accurate.

According to This report, Beijing tells little fibs about the Air Pollution Index all the time:

With the Olympics just seven months away, a US environmental expert has cast doubt on Beijing’s claims that it has significantly improved the number of its “blue sky days”.

He has accused city authorities of cheating by adopting easier targets and using monitoring stations in less polluted areas.

Steven Andrews, a Washington-based environmental consultant, said that from 1998 to 2006, Beijing’s Air Pollution Index was compiled from data from seven monitoring stations in the city centre. In 2006 the city dropped two monitoring stations from its pollution calculations — and added data from three monitoring stations in less polluted areas.

Beijing has a blue sky day when its index (on a scale of one to 500) is 100 or less. Mr Andrews recalculated Beijing’s pollution levels in 2006 and 2007 using data from the original seven monitoring stations. In Wednesday’s Wall Street Journal Asian edition, Mr Andrews said his findings contradicted Beijing’s blue sky record. He claimed authorities overestimated it by 15% in 2006 and 22% last year.

Mr Andrews also noted that a disproportionate number of borderline blue sky days were now interpreted as meeting national air quality standards, casting “grave doubt on China’s reported five straight years of continuous air quality improvement”. In 2001, about half of these borderline days were reported as blue sky days, but by 2006, 98% were deemed blue sky days. “In 2006, of the 84 major cities in China reported by the State Environmental Protection Agency, Beijing had the fewest number of days attaining the national air quality standard — and in 2007 the air quality was even worse,” Mr Andrews reported.

But even if SEPA is telling the truth today, and Shanghai has an API of 119, what does that mean?

SEPA says that an API of 119 is “slightly polluted”, and that “The symptom of the susceptible is aggravated slightly, while the healthy people will appear stimulate symptom”, whatever the hell that means. SEPA also advise that “The cardiac and respiratory system patients should reduce strength draining and outdoor activities”. Lovely.

An API of 119, SEPA notes, only narrowly misses the target for a ‘blue sky day’. Here is a photo I have just taken, looking out from a friend’s apartment in downtown Shanghai:

That murky haze is not a gentle mist. And if that is almost a ‘blue sky day’, then what the hell was it like last year on April 2nd, when even SEPA admitted to an API of 500!

Of course, it isn’t all bad news – SEPA Minister Zhou Shengxian said in a statement late last year that:

“…the first three quarters of this year witnessed the first ever “double fall” of the total discharge volume of two major pollutants nationwide… Minister Zhou noted that, starting from this year, various localities and departments have seriously implemented the deployment of the Central Committee of the CPC and the State Council and further increased the efforts in pollution reduction… Minister Zhou further pointed out that the SEPA has continuous strengthened efforts centred on the core task of pollution discharge reduction and that all the measures have gained prominent effect.”

Minister Zhou also noted that:

“…we must fully implement the scientific outlook on development, intensify our resolution, spend more efforts and take more effective measures to fully enhance the implementation of all the tasks defined in the Comprehensive Work Plan on Energy Conservation and Emission Reduction of the State Council in light of the spirit of the 17th National Congress of the CPC.”

Yes, Minister.

Posted in China | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Zheng He in the Headlines Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Zheng He Banner Under North Pole

A Chinese Xia class submarine, on an expedition below the Arctic, has found a banner, attributed to the historical Chinese fleet admiral Zheng He. A spokesman of the Chinese foreign ministry says this is proof that China has had rightful claims on the Arctic for almost 600 years. He also accused the Russian submarine expedition crew of August 2 of having stolen two further Zheng He banners from the same place where they had put the Russian flag. This had been a futile attempt to manipulate world opinion against China’s rightful claims on the Arctic, but the Russian explorers had fortunately overlooked a third Zheng He banner there, thus making their vain expedition a complete and disastrous failure.

A renowned Chinese academic explained that the banner has now been examined by his academy and found to be genuinely Zheng He-made. The banner was made of rust-proof titanium steel and has therefore remained well-preserved under the Arctic for ever since 1425. Along with it, today’s Chinese expedition found some waterproof documents written by Zheng He, saying that the Arctic was really China’s, and that the Russians and Japanese should just shut up. In one of these documents, Zheng He also called on all brave and patriotic Chinese students of later times in history to stand up to faked claims on Chinese Arctic territory, promulgated by foreign imperialist powers.

Taking questions from an extraordinarily convened press conference on this topic this afternoon, the foreign ministry spokesman pointed out that China has always known how to make rust-proof titanium banners, and that this was just another proof of the authenticity of the Zheng He flag. He also made it clear that China has known how to build submarines through all ages, and has always sailed the underworld of the Arctic.

Franz Bleeker

Who was the great ‘Chinese’ ‘Man’, Zheng He? A good question…

Zheng He was born in 1371 of the Hui ethnic group [descended from Arab and Persian Muslim traders] and the Muslim faith in modern-day Yunnan Province [now part of China], one of the last possessions of the Mongols. According to his biography in the History of Ming, he was originally named Ma Sanbao. His family name “Ma” came from Shams al-Din’s fifth son Masuh (Mansour). Both his father Mir Tekin and grandfather Charameddin had traveled on the hajj to Mecca. Their travels contributed much to the young boy’s education. In 1381, following the fall of the Yuan [Mongol] Dynasty, a Ming [Chinese] army was dispatched to Yunnan to put down the Mongol rebel Basalawarmi. Zheng He, then only a young boy of eleven years, was taken captive by that army and castrated, thus becoming a eunuch. He soon became a servant at the Imperial court. The name “Zheng He” was given by the Yongle emperor for meritorious service in the Yongle rebellion against the Jianwen Emperor. He studied at Nanjing Taixue (The Imperial Central College).

Zheng He led seven expeditions to what the Chinese called “the Western Ocean” [which we know as the Indian Ocean]. The latest ‘view’, advanced by Gavin Menzies, suggested Zheng’s fleet had travelled every part of the world. However, virtually every authority in the field denounces Menzies’ claims as baseless. According to Menzies [whose ‘researches’ are funded by the Chinese Communist Party], Zheng’s fleet explored virtually the entire globe, discovering West Africa, North and South America, Greenland, Iceland, Antarctica and Australia (except visiting Europe). Menzies also claimed that Zheng’s wooden fleet passed the Arctic Ocean. However none of the citations in his book 1421 are from Chinese sources and even scholars in China do not accept Menzies’s assertions.

At the beginning of the 1980s, his tomb was renovated in a more Islamic style, although he himself was buried at sea. The government of the People’s Republic of China uses him as a model to integrate the Muslim minority into the Chinese nation.

– Source: Wikipedia

Posted in China, Media | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Dishonest Landlords

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Further to a recent post concerning dishonest landlords in Shanghai, this is the follow-up…

As is usual, we paid a sizeable deposit when we took the place. We liked the location, and the apartment itself wasn’t too bad. The price was a bit high, but we accepted it.

Then, a few weeks ago, there was a bit of a slump in the local stockmarket. The same week, our landlady called and said that the rent was going up by 40%. Well, we have just moved out, and suffered the usual inspection before getting back our deposit.

The landlady (who brought with her a group of ‘friends’), discovered some damage – a chip was missing from an interior door. Photo below:


That wee nick, dear reader, cost me 6,000 RMB, in addition to the usual additional charges such as extra money to pay bills, etc. This, in a city where the average monthly income is just 1,400 RMB. The mind boggles.

But wait, was it really 6,000 kuai for a nick in a door? Of course not. The reason that was given, after all the ‘discussions’ had taken place? By not respecting the door, we had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

We had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

I shit ye not.

For what it’s worth, this particular landlady only rents to foreigners. So, if you’re looking for a place in Shanghai, and you’re concerned that this evil piece of shit may become your landlord, send me an email and I’ll give you all her details.


Posted in China | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Trade Fairs

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 9, 2007

China, as many of you may be aware, is home to an increasingly large number of Trade Fairs. A few of them are even worth going to. Some of them, of course, are merely put on to allow the local Party boys to claim expenses, and a large number are attended only by a handful of local companies who have been instructed to attend by the local Party bosses, in order to make them look good, but there are nevertheless a few that actually are important. Some, such as the Import and Export Fair in Canton, are quite useful.

China likes to think of Shanghai as being it’s premier business city. Never mind my personal views on that for now, let’s just go along with it. Shanghai, in turn, likes to think that the New International Expo Centre is it’s numero uno exhibition venue. And I will admit, it isn’t a bad place – apart from the obvious issues with poor access, hopeless organisation, and all the usual gripes, the place itself is large enough and modern enough to cope with most demands, and in fact there are events there almost every week.

Now, every time I go to a trade fair in China, I see the thieves at work – not the commercial thieves who are there just to steal your product ideas, but the petty thieves who steal whatever isn’t bolted down and then sell it in the street outside. Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre is a favourite haunt for these guys, and their number one target is not, as you might expect, the buyers. Oh no, it is in fact the exhibitors themselves. In particular, the notebook computers that the sales guys use.

If you are exhibiting at a trade fair in China, and your notebook computer goes missing, simply walk outside, and buy it back. It’s that easy. If you are exhibiting at the Shanghai New International Expo Centre, then you will need to walk a couple of blocks to the Long Yang Lu subway station.

Every year it is the same. Waves of petty crime and theft. Until this year. This year, the police had finally had enough of this petty crime, and took steps to bring it under control…

They took over the theft themselves.

Now, when you exhibitors lose your notebook computers, and you go outside to buy it back (Long Yang Lu subway station when at Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre), look for the nearest uniformed police officer. He is providing protection for the guy who stole your property, and he will make sure that the thief gets a fair price (how else will he be able to afford the protection fee?).

Welcome to China, enjoy your stay.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Corruption, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

He Says, They Say… (Reprise)

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, November 25, 2007

Darfur rebels spurn Chinese force

Rebels in Darfur have demanded that peacekeepers from China pull out of the Sudanese region just hours after the arrival of 135 Chinese engineers.

The army engineers arrived on Saturday to prepare for a joint UN and African Union peacekeeping force of 26,000.

The key Justice and Equality Movement (Jem) rebel group accuses China of being complicit in the Darfur conflict.

Last month the group attacked a Chinese-controlled oilfield, kidnapping several workers.

The Jem says it wants China to withdraw its support for the Sudanese government.

They say that oil sold to the Chinese is being used to fund government operations in Darfur.

Rebels would not allow the Chinese into areas controlled by their forces, Jem leader Khalil Ibrahim told the news agency Reuters following the arrival of the engineers.

“We oppose them coming because China is not interested in human rights. It is just interested in Sudan’s resources,” he said.

“We are calling on them to quit Sudan, especially the petroleum areas.”

Mr Ibrahim did not say whether he would target the Chinese engineers.

“I am not saying I will attack them. I will not say I will not attack them,” he said.

“What I am saying is that they are taking our oil for blood.”

The Chinese engineers are tasked with building roads and bridges and dig wells ahead of the deployment of the joint peacekeeping force planned for January.

The rebels have said they would not object to peacekeepers from any country other than China.

But on Friday, Sudanese President Omar Al-Bashir said his country would only accept non-African troops from Pakistan or China.

A month ago the Jem attacked Sudan’s Defra oilfield in the Kordofan region, run by a Chinese-controlled consortium, the Greater Nile Petroleum Operating Company.

Jem said at the time that the Chinese company had one week to leave Sudan.

An estimated 200,000 people have died during four-and-a-half years of fighting in Darfur, with a further two million people displaced.


But the Party mouthpiece, Xinhua, says this:

Chinese vanguards arrive in Darfur for peacekeeping

Vanguards of the Chinese engineering units arrived in the western Sudanese region of Darfur on Saturday to take part in the hybrid peacekeeping force of the United Nations and the African Union (AU).

The 135 Chinese peacekeepers, upon arrival in South Darfur State capital Niyala, were warmly welcomed by UN, AU and Sudanese officials at the Niyala International Airport.

The Chinese vanguards were also joined in the airport by five Chinese officers who had arrived in Niyala in August in order to receive the equipment of the Chinese peacekeepers, some of which have been transported there since September.

The 140 Chinese peacekeepers will dwell temporarily in a transitional camp before the camp of the Chinese unites is set up, an anonymous Chinese officer told Xinhua in a telephone contact.

The main tasks for the Chinese engineering units include building camps, roads and airports, and digging wells in addition to some other projects in preparations for the deployment of peacekeepers from other countries.

This is the first batch of the UN peacekeepers arriving in the region to implement UN Security Council Resolution 1769 adopted on July 31, which authorizes the deployment of a 26,000-strong hybrid peacekeeping force in Darfur.

The Chinese government has exerted a lot of efforts to help resolve the Darfur problem since armed conflicts erupted in the region in 2003, including appointing a special envoy for the Darfur issues and providing a large amount of relief materials to the region.

And there is also this headline:

Engineering peace, prosperity in Darfur

And another one here, in case anyone missed the point:

Chinese peacekeepers honored in Sudan

Jeez, 1984 anyone? Brazil, perhaps?

Posted in ChinaDaily, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »