Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

…and now this extract from the Olympic Website Since Ancient Times:

Olympic FAQ for Foreign Friends

1. I’ve been hearing a lot about these pollution levels, but there are so many different ways the experts use to describe it all, and so much fancy jargon, that I’m a bit confused. Can you please tell me what is the standard that Beijing must meet to determine whether it is a “blue sky day”?

Certainly. It is a “Blue Sky Day” if the sky is Pantone 444M or better.

2. Is there an official Olympic song?

Indeed yes! There is an official song, and it will be sung at every event before athletic activities commence, before and after every medal presentation, in the taxi on your way home to your hotel, during the night in your hotel room, from loudspeakers along every street, and from the micro-radio that will be implanted in your teeth at the airport during customs inspection. It’s a lovely little ditty, too. Here it is:

Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Yi Wei Xiao Jie.
Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou
Na bian Zou he Zhe Bian Zou
Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou?

3. What’s the deal with the mascots? Why so many, and what are they called anyway?

Actually, there is some confusion regarding both the name and number of Olympic mascots at the 2008 Genocide Olympic Games. Originally, there were five mascots, however one defected from the team. Sadly, therefore, Yingsel will not be present. As for their names, the mascots have been variously referred to as Funtwo, Fuzbol, and even Futzpah. Most foreign media have now settled on the term Fuwa, which is unfortunate, as the term has the same sound in Chinese as scrotum.

4. What’s the best way to support the athletes from my own country, without hurting the feelings of all the Chinese People?

You must take extreme care at all times to avoid hurting the feelings of all the Chinese People. This includes such things are not arguing over prices (which suggests that you think the honest merchant you are dealing with might not be 100% honest), not pushing in front of Chinese People in queues, or bringing up the subject of your incorrect understanding of history. In an effort to help you out, the Chinese Communist Party has hired people to cheer for your athletes on your behalf, in order that you will not run the risk of hurting anyone’s feelings. These ‘Cheerers’ are expected to be so diligent, that you in fact will not be required to attend any of the actual events in person, which is why your Visa application has been denied.

5. Will the foreign media be allowed to cover my favourite events?

Of course they will. You will be able to freely watch Ping Pong, Badminton, and Air-Pellet Shooting, as well as any other event in which China wins a medal. In case you miss it the first time, regular repeats will be scheduled.

6. What is the IOC doing to stop drug cheats?

The IOC has full confidence in the Chinese Communist Party’s ability to closely monitor any relevant situation, according to certain relevant Laws. The Chinese Team has already said that they are clean, and so obviously the job of catching cheats will now be confined to catching the foreign cheats who manage to win any medals. Some foreigner cheats have already been caught, when the company in Guangdong that produces their food confirmed that it was laced with anabolic steroids.

7. Where can I buy tickets?

You can purchase tickets from scalpers outside any Olympic Venue. The tickets will not help you to actually get in, but then as a laowai that should hardly come as a surprise. A better bet, would be to have parents who are members of the Chinese Communist Party.

8. Where is a good place to stay during the Olympics?

Home.

9. Where can I go to Party party in Beijing?

That will depend very much on whether you look like you might have come from a certain continent whose resources are being plundered by a certain Asian nation. If so, you will have a wonderful chance to party at Zhengding Detainment Center. If you are instead from Western, then the bars will be closed anyway, in order to show stable and calmly. No dancing, prease.

10. What can I do to show my support for One World, One Han Dream?

Simply this: Do not display Evil Motives against the peaceful People’s Liberation Army and 5,000 years civilisation of China.

Welcome to China, wish you happy happy everyday!