Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Swine Flu Precautions

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 14, 2009

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Someone is going to die of the swine flu in Jinan soon. As with most flu cases, it will be from indirect causes – namely, the next person who rings me in a panic about this goddamn swine flu is going to be slaughtered by yours truly. My God, the only thing more contagious than the flu is the fricking panic it is causing thanks to the media hype [read: CCP propaganda – ML]. N1H1 is a SWINE flu – its is NOT the bird flu, it hasn’t originated from it, they aren’t even distant cousins. They have as much in common as Chinese food has with Italian food.

However, in light of the current panic I have compiled a helpful list of what to do if you are an expat in China.

Flu Prevention

Follow these simple steps ASAP to keep yourself safe:

1) Go to your local supermarket immediately and bring home 3 months supplies of baijiu and noodles. Avoid breathing whilst in the supermarket.

2) Go to your local KTV and pay the usual bribes to bring home your KTV girl (or boy) of choice.

3) Lock all the doors and windows, switch off your phone and don’t leave your home. Use the supplied entertainment package from step 2.

Flu Cure

If you should catch the flu, there are only a few options available to you:

* Visit your local family planning clinic and demand a retro-active abortion

* Wave a playboy centrefold at a local policeman with a butcher’s knife clenched between your teeth

* Stop breathing for the 6 weeks it takes for the flu to run its course

* Eat street barbecue and drink baijiu for 7 days straight – nothing can live through that. If you do survive, the poor little flu won’t – although there may be grounds for your associates to appeal to the Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Viruses for your utterly inhumane actions.

– DaBizzare

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3 Responses to “Swine Flu Precautions”

  1. Hunxuer said

    Actually the Chinese invented Italian food 567 years before Marco Polo set foot in the enchanted kingdom…

  2. FOARP said

    “2) Go to your local KTV and pay the usual bribes to bring home your KTV girl (or boy) of choice”

    Wait, so that 200 Yuan wasn’t to pay for medicine for her sick grandma? Jingjing you lied to me!

  3. Chinamatt said

    I’ve always said that baijiu could kill anything that’s ailing you…including you.

    Screw the tamiflu, I’m gonna stock up on baijiu.

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