Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

A Fair Trial

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Fat Man looked up at the Judge. The world seemed remote, and the Judge’s words came at him as if from a great distance.

“Sorry, can you say that again please?” the Fat Man said. He seemed to be having trouble talking, too. His mouth felt swollen. Yes, and some of his teeth were missing, too.

“You are guilty?” shouted a man next to him. The Fat Man looked around at him. Ah ha! His Defence Lawyer. Strange that he could remember who that was, but not why he was dressed in an orange suit in a court room. Had he been drugged? Still, better try to focus.

“No, not guilty” replied the Fat Man.

The Defence Lawyer turned to the Judge. “The guilty prisoner does not admit his crimes” he said in a loud voice.

At that, another man across the room – probably the Prosecutor, thought the Fat Man – stood up. “Do you say you are not a spy? Do you say you are not in China illegally? You have no passport or other documents, so you must be a spy!”.

The Fat Man hesitated for a moment, collecting his thoughts. A memory was stirring, something important. Yes! Of course!

“I am not a spy” said the Fat Man, “and the reason I am in China is that my aircraft collided with a Chinese fighter over international waters. I had no choice but to land at the nearest airfield”.

“So, you admit trying to kill our great and patriotic pilot. You admit coming to our China illegally and with malice. You must be Western spy!” cried the Prosecutor. “We have inspected your aircraft – it was loaded with consumer products. Smuggling consumer goods into China is a crime, and you are guilty of that as well!”

“No, you don’t understand” answered the Fat Man. Things were coming back to him now. The drug was probably wearing off, he thought. “I wasn’t smuggling anything into China. Those goods were destined for customers in other countries. Many of them were purchased in China. You see, what happens is…”

“No Lies!” shouted the Judge. “Silence from the prisoner! Answer only the questions put to you!”

“So, you say you not smuggling into China. So you must be smuggling out of China. You admit stealing from the great People of China!” The Prosecutor again.

“Not at all” replied the Fat Man. Things were getting out of hand, he thought. “I was over international waters, I never intended coming here at all.”

His Defence Lawyer cleared his throat. Turning to face the Judge, he said “The prisoner wishes to say that the South China Sea and the Nansha Islands are not part of China since ancient times. The prisoner makes separatist claims which all know are mistaken.”

The Fat Man tried to speak, but as he opened his mouth to protest someone hit him from behind and he fell to his knees, gasping.

The Judge spoke: “The prisoner has been given a fair trial according to the relevant Laws and is found guilty on all counts. Sentence is death by firing squad.”

As he was being dragged out of the room, the Fat Man tried to say something, tried to make himself heard, tried to protest, but every time he opened his mouth, one of the guards kicked him in the head, the body, anywhere within reach. The last words he heard before he passed out came from the Defence Lawyer:

“Santa Claus not coming to town!”

7 Responses to “A Fair Trial”

  1. […] A Fair Trial, according to the Relevant Laws By justrecently If you are looking for a seasonal piece of prose you can read to your loved ones on one of these comfy winter evenings in the northern hemisphere, why not choosing A Fair Trial. That stuff is of course an entirely biased, unfair, and inaccurate account of what really happened, because the fat bad boys and girls, in reality, came from a country which bought too much and had too big a navy to allow for a really fair trial as described by MyLaowai. But if the lad on trial there had been a Chinese national with not-too-much guanxi, he might have gotten a fair trial according to the relevant laws. […]

  2. Magnus said

    Great post. When I see that you posted a new post I am a little wary… but this one was good. FUNNY! I love the image of Santa, dirty, dissheveled, beaten up, a couple shiners… brought before a Chinese judge… then his defense lawyer seals his fate… HA HA HA

    Very creative.

  3. Slap2tickle said

    He’s lucky he didn’t get caught for the trading of state secrets.

  4. LOL, cool post mate!

  5. RecoveredSinoholic said

    LMAO. Great post!

    Speaking of state secrets, a friend told me how he got hassled by the Chinese fuzz a few years back for viewing state secrets. His crime? Going to the Beijing U Library and looking through old newspapers for a research project on the history of the PLA. He ended up doing his research in Tokyo. What a bunch of old bluenosed fusspot wankers the Chinese are!

  6. Someone thinks this story is fantastic…

    This story was submitted to Hao Hao Report – a collection of China’s best stories and blog posts. If you like this story, be sure to go vote for it….

  7. Neddy said

    Very good, but it looks like the PLA are not the only ones to track Santa. Yesterday I found this on CNET: “Behind the scenes: NORAD’s Santa tracker”

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