Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Newsflash’ Category

R.I.P. Liu Xiaobo

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 14, 2017

Liu Xiaobo  28 December 1955 – 13 July 2017

Posted in Censorship, China, Democracy, History, Human Rights, Newsflash | 158 Comments »

An Book Review – Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 13, 2016

Party Members, the new book by Arthur Meursault, is finally out. And the eagerly-awaited review of this book, by MyLaowai, is also out.

I probably should start out with a few trigger warnings. But I won’t, because trigger warnings are for people who are so intellectually weak and emotionally inadequate that they might as well be vegetarianists or poofs or Trump supporters*.

*For anyone who wants to be offended by that statement, but who doesn’t feel quite entitled, please feel free to consider yourself a cunt in a very general sense.

There are many reasons to buy this book, and one of them is that I know the author is struggling under the crushing weight of unforgiven student debt and is forced to give blowjobs in exchange for bowls of noodles on the streets of Anyuan*.

*This is a lie. The author does not live in Anyuan.

But the real question is, is this book right for you? Here’s a handy Q and A to help you decide:

Q. Is this book right for me?

A. I don’t know. Are you an American?

Q. Yes, I am as it happens. How did you guess? Was it the perfect teeth? It was, wasn’t it?

A. No, it was the smart suit and matching power-tie that looked so stylish. Bad news chum, this book probably isn’t for you.

Q. Oh? Why not?

A. You will be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of romantic notions about China and how it would be lovely if only the Communist Party would let the humble and very ordinary people get on with their lives, but things are no doubt improving and anyway people are basically the same everywhere and it isn’t their fault they are poor and besides…

Q. Um, no. I intend voting Trump.

A. You will still be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of notions about China stealing all your jobs and coming over here and buying all our real estate and obviously they want to start WW3 because Alex Jones said so, just like the Chinese killed millions of Americans during 9/11 and they are jealous because we beat them in the last war and besides…

Q. Um. Sorry. I lied, I’m actually English.

A. Really? Fascinating. Which part of Blighty doest thou hail from?

Q. Newcastle.

A. This book might not be for you. I checked on the results of the last referendum and it’s clear that you are 49.3% likely to be unable to read. Although, that said, the pages are nice and soft so you will at least be able to make some use of them. I’m a Daily Express man myself, when it comes to these sorts of things. Your call.

Q. Is this book really as offensive as everybody says?

A. Is your screen-name Robert Black, by any chance? Because if it is, you’ll hate it. It’s well written, descriptive, and essentially accurate. Though, there are rather a lot of references to sexual assault, so maybe you’ll be turned on by it after all.

Q. No, my name is Mike Hunt.

A. Righto. Thanks. Well, as a work of literature it’s definitely on the rough side. Not for persons of a delicate disposition, certainly. Not easy to read if you are sensitive or a delicate snowflake. But fairly factual.

Q. Factual?

A. Certainly. Not in the sense of being about a real person or being set in a real place, but more in the sense of being about facts in a general sense of the word. Sort of thing.

Q. So, what do you reckon? Is it for me? Should I buy it?

A. Honestly, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been very patient but I’m incredibly busy getting these Christmas decorations made and these coolies don’t work all that hard without a good beating from time to time, so why not just buy it and then let me know what you think, hmmm? Tell you what, if you buy it and don’t like it, I promise on my first-born’s grave that I’ll totally reimburse you*, alright? Get it on Amazon here: Party Members

*This is a lie.

And for what it’s worth, this reviewer has a copy, liked it a lot, and is now going to pour a gin and tonic and try to think of a creative yet unfair way to be cruel to his workers. Again.

Have a nice day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash, Propaganda, Zhang Ziyi | 1 Comment »


Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 13, 2016

#Chexit: China out of the South China Sea

I guess you can’t just pick and choose which international agreements you have to honour, eh?

Posted in China, History, Media, Newsflash | Leave a Comment »

Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 25, 2016

160625 Party Members

Party Members: A Book by Arthur Meursault


Got so much money you don’t know how to spend it? Yeah, I know. It’s tough. I mean to say, there are only so many times you can have your Aston detailed before the shine blinds you. And frankly, I’m a bit over bathing in champagne. Which is why I was so delighted to be introduced to a new book, priced at a level that ensures you can afford it, and your coolies cannot. Read about it here:


I’ve read this, and it’s my considered and very important opinion that you should, too. At the very least, it’ll give you something to do while you’re waiting for the champagne bath to fill. Again.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash | 7 Comments »

Ching Ching, Qingdao

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guest Post
Got a gas problem? Too many pickled eggs maybe?

One of the most dangerous places on the face of the planet has to be Qingdao, or Tsingdao, depending on which epoch you choose to come from. [Ed: It’s Tsingdao, unless you come from Peking]

Most expats in China would probably recognize the latter, not the former, due to their daily consumption of the watered-down rats-piss exported from the German settlement that passes as beer everywhere else.

For all you others: the place where the Olympic sailing races were held.

Yeah – the algae bloom landing zone.

Before this week, it was dangerous enough. China’s nuclear submarine base is but a few Km north under the mountain that drove many Chinese emperors to send their subjects to Korea in search of the mystic floating islands that can be viewed from Penglai pavilion (Mirage).

Oh yes, that place. The one that had the massive oil slick from Chinese-quality offshore oil drilling. Mmmm. One of the most unhealthiest beaches in the world. No golden sand. No waves. Plenty of pollution. But really good beer.

Whoa. Hang on. Can we derive a causative effect here? Qingdao is an ongoing cluster-fuck, and also has (locally only) some of the best beer in China.

Yes, this week, an oil pipeline blew up. Where? Under a main road. WHAT THE FUCK? Which country in their right mind places a major oil pipeline from the drilling site to the refinery UNDER A MAIN ROAD? Let alone the residences, businesses etc it also passes under.

China. land of the long yellow shortcut.

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Environment, Guest Post, Newsflash, Propaganda | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

And another bloody thing…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 15, 2012

I’m listening to the sound of air-raid sirens. China is conducting nationwide air-raid drills today. Why a country that purports to be peaceful and not interested in war should feel the need to conduct air-raid drills is a bit of a mystery, but I leave you to draw your own conclusions on that subject.

On a subject that may be related, I received the following email from a friend who works at a large company in China. He would prefer to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons. The email was sent to him by the Party Office in his company.

I can’t be bothered to translate it all, but Google translate is close enough to get the point across:

All employees:

The Japanese government, regardless of China’s repeated solemn representations, has announced the “purchase” of the Diaoyu Islands, the implementation of the so-called “nationalization”, and signed today with the so-called “land owners” a purchase contract for the Senkaku islands “(i.e. Chinese Diaoyu Islands). This is a serious infringement of China’s territorial sovereignty, and the serious injury of the 1.3 billion Chinese people’s feelings is a serious violation of the historical facts and international jurisprudence. The Chinese government and people expressed resolute opposition and strong protests.

The solemn statement of the Chinese government, is that the Japanese government’s so-called “purchase of islands” is completely illegal, invalid, does not change the historical fact of the Japanese occupation of Chinese territory, and does not change China’s territorial sovereignty of the Diaoyu Islands. The Chinese government will not sit back and watch it’s territorial sovereignty to be violated. China strongly urges the Japanese side to immediately stop all acts to undermine China’s territorial sovereignty. If the Japanese side insists, all the serious consequences resulting therefrom can only be borne by the Japanese side and Japan’s “purchase of islands” behaviour, and China will implement a series of counter-measures.


All the company party members and cadres should effectively improve their sense of responsibility, to take up the responsibility of the maintenance of stability work, should take the lead to stick to their own posts, guide the masses of workers rational expression of patriotic fervour in accordance with the law, to unite and move forward together. To work together with all Chinese united, will move forward together, patriotic passion into power in action, take concrete actions to promote the cause […], to promote the harmonious development of the motherland prosperous and strong!

– Party Committee Office

And the air-raid sirens continue…

Posted in History, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 11 Comments »

Pigs in Spaaace!

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 1, 2012

Yesterday, an unidentified falling object (UFO) crashed fell to Earth in Inner Mongolia, a part of Mongolia that is currently under the control of the Chinese Red Army. Observers witnessed three androgynous, identical space-clones emerge from the battered wreck of their ship, and wander unsteadily towards a group of Red Army soldiers nearby.

China’s space agency, the National Astronautics Department, have subsequently confirmed that the three drone-like space-beings originated from the Handromeda galaxy, and were forced to land on Earth when their ship ‘got broken engine because no maintenance’.

Lt. Gen. Susan J. Helms, the U.S. officer charged with Space Security, immediately announced that her entire force had gone to stage one battle readiness, and would remain in that condition until the intentions of the sexless alien clones were made clear. “We don’t at this time know for certain what their intentions are,” she stated to anxious news crews, “for instance, are they planning to set up some sort of space-noodle shop using us as the dog-meat, or are they going to go ahead and turn the planet into a giant laundry? We just don’t know yet.”

Liberal scientists, on the other hand, were seeing wonderful possibilities in the serendipitous event: “This could mean great things to the entire human race if they share their advanced technology with us!”, exclaimed one excited young scientist, who looked a bit like a hippy despite his white coat, “These visitors could really advance our understanding of how to cook noodles that are safe to eat, or show us how to make dry-cleaning fluid that doesn’t smell suspiciously of diesel!”

NASA scientists, on the third hand, were not really very impressed: “We knew where these neuter-clones came from the minute we saw them walking unsteadily and requiring help even to stand erect.” yawned NASA boss Charlie Bolden, “Handromeda galaxy? You can keep it, nothing to see there but a super-strain of the clap if you ask me. Big whoops. Go ahead, get all excited, but don’t blame me when your todger starts to sting. Hell, when we found out that this was all there was out there in space, we just went ahead and cancelled our Star Gate project – Really, what the hell’s the point of exploring the universe if it’s filled with sexless mannequins anyway? I mean, we got totally lied to by Gene Roddenberry. Good luck getting some with one of those, Captain Kirk!”.

Chinese state media sources are claiming that China discovered the Handromeda galaxy five thousand years ago. Or possibly the other way round.

One of the androgynous space-clones, being helped with the apparently really difficult task of walking in a straight line, or possibly even standing erect.

Posted in Newsflash | 64 Comments »

Liu Lin: Twat

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This one is darned good. Global Times, that paragon of Communisticalness, is reporting on a “foreign video game that vilifies China”. Go and read all about it here [http://www.globaltimes.cn/NEWS/tabid/99/ID/708499/Foreign-video-game-vilifies-China.aspx].

Well hey, it’s been about a week since all the Chinese people were offended by something or someone foreign. The wanker who is bleating the loudest, is some ugly little gobshite named Liu Lin. Seriously, is there anyone at all in China who doesn’t have a name that sounds like a bucket being kicked down a flight of stairs? Anyway, Liu ‘tiny penis’ Lin says the game that has offended him so much presents a China in ruins and negatively portrays its people. “I can’t bear it, especially the vicious vilifying of our people. They must be taught a lesson”, he whined.

The game is set in Shanghai, and depicts the city as a slum with shabby and sordid streets. Chinese people in the game are characterized as cowardly and timid, and a player’s objective is to kill them.

I wish I had invented this game. Educational and morally correct in every way, and entertaining as well – what’s not to like? You can download the demo for free here [www.kaneandlynch.com]. I’m downloading it as I write this, in between throwing pieces of trash at the coolies on the factory floor.

Posted in Media, Newsflash | 9 Comments »

Bang Out Of Order

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, February 27, 2012

News Headlines for China last week:

Following the recent riots in Guangdong, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all Chinese people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

Wang Xiansheng now has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food and 10 miles every day for medicine for he and his family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the local convenience store, KFC and Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Dongguan for his breakfast.

Riots in Henan last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

The MyLaowai Foundation just fostered a Chinese kid.
All three cans hit him right on the back of the head.

They’ve had to change the script for the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Hefei, Bejing, Chengdu, Shanghai, Changsha, and Shenzhen. Apparently, the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen, only Chinese peasants.

Finally, it has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the yellows running.

Posted in Newsflash, Wang Xiansheng, You're Joking? | 1 Comment »

Breaking News

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 25, 2011

Agencies, Hainan Island

Reports are coming in that Santa, together with all his reindeer, has been involved in a mid-air collision with Chinese fighter aircraft over international waters, and forced to land on Hainan Island.

The slow, reindeer-driven sleigh was forced to land on Hainan after being damaged when it was intercepted by two Chinese F-8 jets in international air space over the South China Sea.

One of the F-8s (roughly equivalent to a MIG-21) collided with the slow fat man and his sleigh, severely damaging four reindeer, before crashing with the apparent loss of the pilot. The Chinese claim that the damage was done when the sleigh veered towards the jet and damaged it.

This story seems implausible given that the F-8s were doing the intercepting, and are in any case much faster aircraft.

As the US Commander-in-Chief Pacific (CINCPAC), Admiral Robert F. Willard, was quick to point out, the onus lies on faster aircraft to stay out of the way of a slower one when an interception is taking place.

But what actually happened in the aerial incident remains a mystery since China continues to hold Santa and the reindeer incommunicado on Hainan. Finnish military attaches flew to Hainan today from the embassy in Beijing but have so far been denied access to the much-loved fat man and his faithful team.

Significantly, this is not an isolated incident, but the logical culmination of a trend, as Chinese jets have adopted ever more aggressive tactics when intercepting internationally-recognised anthropomorphic personifications such as the Tooth Fairy and the Gingerbread Man in international airspace off the Chinese coast. The Americans have complained about but not publicised these incidents.

“The intercepts by Chinese fighters over the last couple of months have become more aggressive, to the point that we felt that they were endangering the safety of our dearest fictitious creations,” Admiral Willard said in Hawaii.

Chinese Air Force Uber-General-Marshall Red-Banner Lucky-Colonel, Wang Xiangsheng, said in a statement today that “Chinese insist that all the air space above the South China Sea belong to China, in line with it’s repeated insistence that the whole of the South China Sea is Chinese territorial waters. Also we keep all presents we find in sleigh. All children now rejoice that Western Capitalist Plot is foiled!”

Posted in Newsflash, Wang Xiansheng | 4 Comments »